hopeless??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: southern bc
Posts: 2
hopeless??
Hello, everyone...
Tonight I tried to celebrate my one-year anniversary with my alcoholic boyfriend...I spent the afternoon with two of his daughters & my own two kids. We had great fun, till we returned to his house at supper time. Within 15 minutes, he became tense and agitated, and I'd noticed he was drunk as soon as I walked in the door. You should see the look on his face when he pours himself a beer and takes a huge drink of it while staring into my eyes, with all the hatred in the world, it seems to me. Like I'm his worst enemy??
I've been reading about detaching from the alcoholic's behavior, but can someone please explain to me how to do this? I can't take any more of his insults, the way he makes fun of me yet pretends that he doesn't...He always says "that's your perception & it's wrong", always, always, always!
It was only 4 days ago when he "vowed" to give serious consideration to his 'alcohol' issues--he says he doesn't have an actual problem with it & that he is not going to AA. He says he can deal with it & quit whenever he really wants to...but when people mention it to him, he says that just makes him drink more. He apologized for insulting me, he says he doesn't want to lose me, especially because of alcohol.
I found myself apologizing for getting angry with him when he's drinking...He can be so sincere, so very intensely wonderful that I just hope against hope that he means it all "this time"...
Yet there's always another awful scene--it seems like for every 3 good days we may have, there's bound to be an awful one for the 4th day. And lately I've been avoiding him for days afterwards, as I seem to be losing so much more respect for him week by week. I feel terrible most of the time, except for those "good" days when we seem to be so happy together...
He says a lot of things that I honestly don't understand. When I ask him what he means he either ignores me totally, or gets mad and wonders why I must analyze everything that he says?!! I get so upset & frustrated, trying to think of just the "right" things to say to him on these horrible days.
I feel really stupid. I'm starting University next week and while my man encourages me & acts like he's proud of me, he also says he's envious & it seems like he hates me for it. Some days he makes these comments about how people who go for degrees are all doing it to "impress" other people, or he'll just say other derogatory things about students in general.
He also likes to tell me how I always have to be right or think that I'm right...I honestly don't think I act like this, yet he goes on about how I am so "perfect". He says that I should be open to all sides of him, as he accepts me as I am!! But I'm not mean, I don't treat him like a disposable diaper!! I love this guy, I don't want to argue with him over & over again. I want us to be happy. I just feel like I'm being drained, slowly poisoned or something. It's just awful yet he can bring me such joy that I just think I'm going crazy!!
Please help me--I don't know what to do about this...Thanks so much for listening,
SanDee
Tonight I tried to celebrate my one-year anniversary with my alcoholic boyfriend...I spent the afternoon with two of his daughters & my own two kids. We had great fun, till we returned to his house at supper time. Within 15 minutes, he became tense and agitated, and I'd noticed he was drunk as soon as I walked in the door. You should see the look on his face when he pours himself a beer and takes a huge drink of it while staring into my eyes, with all the hatred in the world, it seems to me. Like I'm his worst enemy??
I've been reading about detaching from the alcoholic's behavior, but can someone please explain to me how to do this? I can't take any more of his insults, the way he makes fun of me yet pretends that he doesn't...He always says "that's your perception & it's wrong", always, always, always!
It was only 4 days ago when he "vowed" to give serious consideration to his 'alcohol' issues--he says he doesn't have an actual problem with it & that he is not going to AA. He says he can deal with it & quit whenever he really wants to...but when people mention it to him, he says that just makes him drink more. He apologized for insulting me, he says he doesn't want to lose me, especially because of alcohol.
I found myself apologizing for getting angry with him when he's drinking...He can be so sincere, so very intensely wonderful that I just hope against hope that he means it all "this time"...
Yet there's always another awful scene--it seems like for every 3 good days we may have, there's bound to be an awful one for the 4th day. And lately I've been avoiding him for days afterwards, as I seem to be losing so much more respect for him week by week. I feel terrible most of the time, except for those "good" days when we seem to be so happy together...
He says a lot of things that I honestly don't understand. When I ask him what he means he either ignores me totally, or gets mad and wonders why I must analyze everything that he says?!! I get so upset & frustrated, trying to think of just the "right" things to say to him on these horrible days.
I feel really stupid. I'm starting University next week and while my man encourages me & acts like he's proud of me, he also says he's envious & it seems like he hates me for it. Some days he makes these comments about how people who go for degrees are all doing it to "impress" other people, or he'll just say other derogatory things about students in general.
He also likes to tell me how I always have to be right or think that I'm right...I honestly don't think I act like this, yet he goes on about how I am so "perfect". He says that I should be open to all sides of him, as he accepts me as I am!! But I'm not mean, I don't treat him like a disposable diaper!! I love this guy, I don't want to argue with him over & over again. I want us to be happy. I just feel like I'm being drained, slowly poisoned or something. It's just awful yet he can bring me such joy that I just think I'm going crazy!!
Please help me--I don't know what to do about this...Thanks so much for listening,
SanDee
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: California
Posts: 329
Hello SanDee and welcome!!
NO it is not hopeless! You have come to a great place where there is alot of support! You are not going crazy even though it seems that way. And never feel stupid! People with drinking problems are real good at making us feel the way you are descibing. But the key is that they can't make you feel that way if you don't let them! There is so much to learn about this disease. The daily posts from barbiedeb are awsome!! Just remember that you are not alone. One day at a time we are all healing.
Take care and keep coming back!
matters
NO it is not hopeless! You have come to a great place where there is alot of support! You are not going crazy even though it seems that way. And never feel stupid! People with drinking problems are real good at making us feel the way you are descibing. But the key is that they can't make you feel that way if you don't let them! There is so much to learn about this disease. The daily posts from barbiedeb are awsome!! Just remember that you are not alone. One day at a time we are all healing.
Take care and keep coming back!
matters
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: here & there
Posts: 4
Go to Alanon, read Under the Influence and the Getting them Sober books ( Toby Rice Drews). I am in the middle of very much this same scenario..... saved my sanity!!! Am still praying for my BF's recovery, but am most assuredly pursuing my own.
Keep coming back!!!
Keep coming back!!!
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi SanDee and welcome!
You're not crazy, it's not your fault, and you aren't to blame for any of his behavior. Your b/f is in denial about the seriousness of his addiction, and he doesn't want anyone telling him he has a problem. Unfortunately, until he sees for himself that he does have a problem, there's nothing you or anyone can do to convince him otherwise.
He is envious of you b/c you're doing something positive with your life by going to school. It just reminds him of all the things that are wrong with his life, yet he's still not ready to admit that alcohol has anything to do with his problems. And as long as someone is in active addiction, they won't be able to carry on a healthy relationship.
Have you gone to any al-anon meetings? Also, check out the power posts at the top of this and the nar-anon forum. They're full of a lot of valuable info. The best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and taking care of you. His drinking problem doesn't have to be your problem too.
Take care and keep coming back.
Hugs,
JG
You're not crazy, it's not your fault, and you aren't to blame for any of his behavior. Your b/f is in denial about the seriousness of his addiction, and he doesn't want anyone telling him he has a problem. Unfortunately, until he sees for himself that he does have a problem, there's nothing you or anyone can do to convince him otherwise.
He is envious of you b/c you're doing something positive with your life by going to school. It just reminds him of all the things that are wrong with his life, yet he's still not ready to admit that alcohol has anything to do with his problems. And as long as someone is in active addiction, they won't be able to carry on a healthy relationship.
Have you gone to any al-anon meetings? Also, check out the power posts at the top of this and the nar-anon forum. They're full of a lot of valuable info. The best thing for you to do is focus on yourself and taking care of you. His drinking problem doesn't have to be your problem too.
Take care and keep coming back.
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
welcome Sandee
Please, give youself the gift of Al Anon. I can completely relate with your story and Al Anon has been just the thing I needed to help me 'understand' what I was dealing with.
You are going to University, so I know you must like to read and understand things. That is how I am. Read this forum. Read the 'power posts' at the top. If you can, read the books mentioned. I read 'Codependent No More' and it opened my eyes so much.
If you can, try a face-to-face Al Anon meeting. I went to soem in my area and it really helped me. Now I mostly participate in this forum, but I know the group is there is I need to go again.
Right now you only have what your BF tells you. You need the perspective you will get from reading this information to better understnad where he is coming from. It will really open your eyes and help you in your relationship with him. And to also better understand what you can do for yourself.
So many people do not really know about alcoholism and you may get a lot of advice that isn't quite what you need. Here in Al Anon you get the blessing of those who have been where you are, may still be there, and can truly help.
Good luck and I hope to continue to see you here.
You are going to University, so I know you must like to read and understand things. That is how I am. Read this forum. Read the 'power posts' at the top. If you can, read the books mentioned. I read 'Codependent No More' and it opened my eyes so much.
If you can, try a face-to-face Al Anon meeting. I went to soem in my area and it really helped me. Now I mostly participate in this forum, but I know the group is there is I need to go again.
Right now you only have what your BF tells you. You need the perspective you will get from reading this information to better understnad where he is coming from. It will really open your eyes and help you in your relationship with him. And to also better understand what you can do for yourself.
So many people do not really know about alcoholism and you may get a lot of advice that isn't quite what you need. Here in Al Anon you get the blessing of those who have been where you are, may still be there, and can truly help.
Good luck and I hope to continue to see you here.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Hi SanDee!
Well, I can honestly say I am in the same position as you with my husband. I am also going to school. I just graduated with my bachelors last January and am now working on my masters. My husband (like your BF) says he is supportive of me, but then makes nasty comments. Now he's telling me that it's all fine and dandy for me to leave now, because I have my degree and what does he have?
Don't listen to what he is saying!! He just getting down on himself, and is jealous of you. What you need to do is exactly what everyone mentioned above. Go get into some Alanon meetings, keeping coming here and read, read, read. Right now I am putting all of my focus into me and understanding my problem as well as educating myself on alcoholism. In doing this, I have been able to ignore his rantings and quite often I just don't go around where he is.
The good days can be confusing, but as long as he is still drinking, he will still have these behavior patterns. He is afraid of losing you, but he also can't stop his addiction no matter how hard he tries without getting some help.
Hang tough - keep posting!
Hugs,
Kitkat
Well, I can honestly say I am in the same position as you with my husband. I am also going to school. I just graduated with my bachelors last January and am now working on my masters. My husband (like your BF) says he is supportive of me, but then makes nasty comments. Now he's telling me that it's all fine and dandy for me to leave now, because I have my degree and what does he have?
Don't listen to what he is saying!! He just getting down on himself, and is jealous of you. What you need to do is exactly what everyone mentioned above. Go get into some Alanon meetings, keeping coming here and read, read, read. Right now I am putting all of my focus into me and understanding my problem as well as educating myself on alcoholism. In doing this, I have been able to ignore his rantings and quite often I just don't go around where he is.
The good days can be confusing, but as long as he is still drinking, he will still have these behavior patterns. He is afraid of losing you, but he also can't stop his addiction no matter how hard he tries without getting some help.
Hang tough - keep posting!
Hugs,
Kitkat
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: southern bc
Posts: 2
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words...It's amazing how good support can feel!!
I looked in the phone book today & found a number to Al-Anon, I just haven't quite called it yet.
Today I totally avoided my boyfriend, but I'll be seeing him tomorrow as he wants us to come over & say goodbye to his 2 younger daughters who are leaving for their home far from here. I can only imagine the mood he will be in at that point. I want to be supportive, but I doubt my capabilities if he's totally drunk. That makes me feel lousy, but as you've all mentioned, it's his problem, not mine, and I need to look after myself (and figure out my own problems/reasons for being with him).
Well, I hear my mini-cherry strudels calling me--I'm tired of ice cream sandwiches and creamsicles!! Can't wait till I have too much homework to do so I stop trying to eat my emptiness away.
Thanks again, take care everyone!
SanDee
I looked in the phone book today & found a number to Al-Anon, I just haven't quite called it yet.
Today I totally avoided my boyfriend, but I'll be seeing him tomorrow as he wants us to come over & say goodbye to his 2 younger daughters who are leaving for their home far from here. I can only imagine the mood he will be in at that point. I want to be supportive, but I doubt my capabilities if he's totally drunk. That makes me feel lousy, but as you've all mentioned, it's his problem, not mine, and I need to look after myself (and figure out my own problems/reasons for being with him).
Well, I hear my mini-cherry strudels calling me--I'm tired of ice cream sandwiches and creamsicles!! Can't wait till I have too much homework to do so I stop trying to eat my emptiness away.
Thanks again, take care everyone!
SanDee
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