Just need to vent i guess and find my head
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 3
Just need to vent i guess and find my head
Hello All
I am unsure if I am even worthy of posting here or not after reading a lot of the stories here. My problem is only a few months old.
But here it is. I am so confused with all of this It really makes no sense to me. A little background first, this may clear up some of my confusion. We have been in this relationship for almost 1 year now. When we first meet she drank a lot as did most of the people I hung out with and really did not think anything of it as our relationship progressed in the coming weeks I seen complete disregard of friends, aggression, depression. But i continued the relationship after a few unreal outbursts.
I think I cared more for her well being then anything. I am sort of the fixer type of person.
Now for the interesting part we are a few years apart in age and I have been there and done that. In my 20's I did more sh** then one can imagine, then one day I said enough is enough I was left with basically nothing no friends no nothing and 200 miles away from my family. I moved away from the problem and have not touched a single drug again. So you see my confusion on recover. But that’s me and I have been really trying to understand.
Now the Problem......
Finally after 6 months of being drunk 3 or 4 times a week losing her job (laid Off), Leaving and coming back the next day. I finally had it on June 14th she had 2 choices leave or rehab. I think after she decided i was serious her choice was rehab. I paid for 3 day in detox after the 3 days she was done with that and decided after talking to her counselor there that Outpatient would not be a bad idea. I think she made that decision not her counselor. Stupid me. Ok but we had to talk about what was going to happen and how it was going to work or she would have to leave or go back... She went to 5 classes then the following Friday while I was at work started drinking and vanished again came back the next day with the crocodile tears and telling me she screwed up and she should have stayed in rehab. My heart is turning cold now as I am over the lies.
On Sunday I go pick up my daughter (16) to spend the week. I make arrangements to work from home 3 days. Plan things yadda yadda. On Monday she misses Outpatient Tuesday misses again. Don't worry babe I am going to go on Thursday. My daughter leaving on Friday. So she calls me at work on Wednesday complaining her back is hurting and that she is going to the doctors. I say ok good idea.
Lets back up a few days the last time she left I heard from her once that evening she was to the point that I could not even understand her and she had the car. I told her i had no idea where she was and could not pick her up but to get into a cab and come home and we will deal with it. Nope never happened. Told me she went to the other end of town to a friend that she meet in rehab and whet to a meeting at 11pm and again in the morning. Why do I not believe this? So while I am looking at my computer she actually searched where to buy heroin in XXXX city. ( big city in PA ) and got directions to some street there. Very very bad part of town. So my eyes perk up to the use of heroin now. I ask myself how the hell can you go from drinking to heron in a matter of weeks? But there is no prior evidence of this abuse. Did rehab turn her on to this life? I asked her about it and got a lie response was oh my dad seen something on the bad lands and I googled it for him. Wow I must have fallen out of the xmas tree yesterday.. So i explain to her that i will not with that nasty crap at all. I like my life and do not want to end up with some kind of disgusting disease. Oh babe i am not doing heroin I would never do such a thing. FYI she loses her IPhone that weekend as well had to suspend it because someone was using it.
So back to Wednesday she uses my daughters cell phone to supposedly call a doctor and make an appointment. Prints out directions, Calls me back to ask if I can put money in our joint account incase she has to pay the doctor for something. I say OK and I put $100 in there. So I assume about 3pm she goes to dr. I get home at 6pm she is not here tells my daughter to tell me to call her if she is not home yet. She took my daughters cell phone with her. So I call several times (we had dinner plans) no answer. Around 7 pm I hear from her. Drunk and sitting at some bookstore she tells me. So I ask trying to get her to tell me she was drinking how was the dr. and where else did you go. She finally tells me she was drinking and the dr. set up a MRI for her next week. And that she will be home shortly. At 9pm her dad calls me asking me to put money into our joint account because she called him telling him that she was at the mri place because they called her and there was a opening. But her insurance would only pay 75% of it. I told him no because there really was no doctor or no hospital. But he was worried and said what if she really is. So I put $300 in the account (he will fed ex me a check) . She calls me about 10 telling me she just got done with all the paper work and waiting for the MRI i do not believe her and tell her this She replies well do you want me to just come home and forget about the mri.... I duunno what to do or say at this point and said get your mri and come home. Reply well where else would I go. I go to bed wake up at 3am yesterday not here big surprise. I hear from her dad around noon that she called him and told him she is going back into rehab on Friday (come on now) and she needs cash for detox. He puts money in her account (DUMB) and calls me to tell me this. Well I had to leave to drop my daughter off about 2 hours away because i could not have her witness anymore of this. I tell him i am changing the locks he challenges with you cannot legally lock her out.
So i reply with do not challenge me on this i will throw her sh** out the door now. He says OK. I ask for the number that she called from because the cell phone is now dead. He gives it to me I call some dude says wrong number and hangs up on me. I call again explaining i know she is there or at least called from this number he stutters a few times say something and hangs up. I am done with that now.
So locks are changed but she can still get in by just calling for lock out service. I try to remove her from the lease I cannot do this unless she signs a paper. WTF she vanished impossible. Only way I am told to do this is get a restraining order.
Now the great thing about cell phones (ATT) is that all the calls and texts are placed on website in about real time. So I look through it no calls to any dr. no incoming calls from any hospital or anything. I tell her dad all this and he is beside himself with now the knowledge that he just gave her more money for heroin.
I dig through computer again and find out that she printed directions again to a wawa store in this bad section of town not directions to the dr. I love the Internet now we have online banking I look at her account and discover she has been withdrawing money from atms in this area well she is now in the negative and has checked her balance costing 1.50 about 20 times yesterday in the hole now about $400 No charges to hospital or dr. money spent already for the detox. Unreal is all I have to say. Its Friday morning now not a single phone call nothing. And all I can think of is that she is now spreading her legs for **** and that is down right disgusting to me.
I will file a missing person report at 5pm today as maybe they will find her arrest her and give her a wake up call in a cell or something. I am more worried about her killing someone while driving under the influence more then anything.
Thanks for listening to my rant but I really do not know what to do.... A lot of my friends are just tired my stories and I hate to bring it up anymore....
If this also seems all over the place I apologize in advance
--Brian
I am unsure if I am even worthy of posting here or not after reading a lot of the stories here. My problem is only a few months old.
But here it is. I am so confused with all of this It really makes no sense to me. A little background first, this may clear up some of my confusion. We have been in this relationship for almost 1 year now. When we first meet she drank a lot as did most of the people I hung out with and really did not think anything of it as our relationship progressed in the coming weeks I seen complete disregard of friends, aggression, depression. But i continued the relationship after a few unreal outbursts.
I think I cared more for her well being then anything. I am sort of the fixer type of person.
Now for the interesting part we are a few years apart in age and I have been there and done that. In my 20's I did more sh** then one can imagine, then one day I said enough is enough I was left with basically nothing no friends no nothing and 200 miles away from my family. I moved away from the problem and have not touched a single drug again. So you see my confusion on recover. But that’s me and I have been really trying to understand.
Now the Problem......
Finally after 6 months of being drunk 3 or 4 times a week losing her job (laid Off), Leaving and coming back the next day. I finally had it on June 14th she had 2 choices leave or rehab. I think after she decided i was serious her choice was rehab. I paid for 3 day in detox after the 3 days she was done with that and decided after talking to her counselor there that Outpatient would not be a bad idea. I think she made that decision not her counselor. Stupid me. Ok but we had to talk about what was going to happen and how it was going to work or she would have to leave or go back... She went to 5 classes then the following Friday while I was at work started drinking and vanished again came back the next day with the crocodile tears and telling me she screwed up and she should have stayed in rehab. My heart is turning cold now as I am over the lies.
On Sunday I go pick up my daughter (16) to spend the week. I make arrangements to work from home 3 days. Plan things yadda yadda. On Monday she misses Outpatient Tuesday misses again. Don't worry babe I am going to go on Thursday. My daughter leaving on Friday. So she calls me at work on Wednesday complaining her back is hurting and that she is going to the doctors. I say ok good idea.
Lets back up a few days the last time she left I heard from her once that evening she was to the point that I could not even understand her and she had the car. I told her i had no idea where she was and could not pick her up but to get into a cab and come home and we will deal with it. Nope never happened. Told me she went to the other end of town to a friend that she meet in rehab and whet to a meeting at 11pm and again in the morning. Why do I not believe this? So while I am looking at my computer she actually searched where to buy heroin in XXXX city. ( big city in PA ) and got directions to some street there. Very very bad part of town. So my eyes perk up to the use of heroin now. I ask myself how the hell can you go from drinking to heron in a matter of weeks? But there is no prior evidence of this abuse. Did rehab turn her on to this life? I asked her about it and got a lie response was oh my dad seen something on the bad lands and I googled it for him. Wow I must have fallen out of the xmas tree yesterday.. So i explain to her that i will not with that nasty crap at all. I like my life and do not want to end up with some kind of disgusting disease. Oh babe i am not doing heroin I would never do such a thing. FYI she loses her IPhone that weekend as well had to suspend it because someone was using it.
So back to Wednesday she uses my daughters cell phone to supposedly call a doctor and make an appointment. Prints out directions, Calls me back to ask if I can put money in our joint account incase she has to pay the doctor for something. I say OK and I put $100 in there. So I assume about 3pm she goes to dr. I get home at 6pm she is not here tells my daughter to tell me to call her if she is not home yet. She took my daughters cell phone with her. So I call several times (we had dinner plans) no answer. Around 7 pm I hear from her. Drunk and sitting at some bookstore she tells me. So I ask trying to get her to tell me she was drinking how was the dr. and where else did you go. She finally tells me she was drinking and the dr. set up a MRI for her next week. And that she will be home shortly. At 9pm her dad calls me asking me to put money into our joint account because she called him telling him that she was at the mri place because they called her and there was a opening. But her insurance would only pay 75% of it. I told him no because there really was no doctor or no hospital. But he was worried and said what if she really is. So I put $300 in the account (he will fed ex me a check) . She calls me about 10 telling me she just got done with all the paper work and waiting for the MRI i do not believe her and tell her this She replies well do you want me to just come home and forget about the mri.... I duunno what to do or say at this point and said get your mri and come home. Reply well where else would I go. I go to bed wake up at 3am yesterday not here big surprise. I hear from her dad around noon that she called him and told him she is going back into rehab on Friday (come on now) and she needs cash for detox. He puts money in her account (DUMB) and calls me to tell me this. Well I had to leave to drop my daughter off about 2 hours away because i could not have her witness anymore of this. I tell him i am changing the locks he challenges with you cannot legally lock her out.
So i reply with do not challenge me on this i will throw her sh** out the door now. He says OK. I ask for the number that she called from because the cell phone is now dead. He gives it to me I call some dude says wrong number and hangs up on me. I call again explaining i know she is there or at least called from this number he stutters a few times say something and hangs up. I am done with that now.
So locks are changed but she can still get in by just calling for lock out service. I try to remove her from the lease I cannot do this unless she signs a paper. WTF she vanished impossible. Only way I am told to do this is get a restraining order.
Now the great thing about cell phones (ATT) is that all the calls and texts are placed on website in about real time. So I look through it no calls to any dr. no incoming calls from any hospital or anything. I tell her dad all this and he is beside himself with now the knowledge that he just gave her more money for heroin.
I dig through computer again and find out that she printed directions again to a wawa store in this bad section of town not directions to the dr. I love the Internet now we have online banking I look at her account and discover she has been withdrawing money from atms in this area well she is now in the negative and has checked her balance costing 1.50 about 20 times yesterday in the hole now about $400 No charges to hospital or dr. money spent already for the detox. Unreal is all I have to say. Its Friday morning now not a single phone call nothing. And all I can think of is that she is now spreading her legs for **** and that is down right disgusting to me.
I will file a missing person report at 5pm today as maybe they will find her arrest her and give her a wake up call in a cell or something. I am more worried about her killing someone while driving under the influence more then anything.
Thanks for listening to my rant but I really do not know what to do.... A lot of my friends are just tired my stories and I hate to bring it up anymore....
If this also seems all over the place I apologize in advance
--Brian
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Welcome Brian! I'm so glad you found this site, though not so glad about the situation you've found yourself in.
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? They have a wealth of information in them that I found really useful when I first found the site. I really should re-read them now.
I'd also recommend getting a hold of Melody Beattie's 'Co-dependant No More' - it really helped me get my head on straight(ish). For now, your focus needs to be on you. You didn't cause her addiction, you can't control it for her and you certainly aren't able to cure it.
There will be a lot more people along soon to offer their support and experience to you. Take care
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? They have a wealth of information in them that I found really useful when I first found the site. I really should re-read them now.
I'd also recommend getting a hold of Melody Beattie's 'Co-dependant No More' - it really helped me get my head on straight(ish). For now, your focus needs to be on you. You didn't cause her addiction, you can't control it for her and you certainly aren't able to cure it.
There will be a lot more people along soon to offer their support and experience to you. Take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi brian-
sorry you're going thru all this. addicts are fantastic manipulators and liars. mine pulled the cell phone lost thing but really he had sold it.
i think that you need to make a few moves to protect yourself. i certainly wouldn't give her any more money.
can you change your phone number?
can you close the joint account?
any credit cards, insurance, etc. in both names?
change passwords on any email accounts.
i find myself wondering if she has a history of heroin use and maybe you're just finding out about it now...
then, get yourself educated about addicts and get some help for yourself (alanon, therapist, posting here)
good luck!
naive
sorry you're going thru all this. addicts are fantastic manipulators and liars. mine pulled the cell phone lost thing but really he had sold it.
i think that you need to make a few moves to protect yourself. i certainly wouldn't give her any more money.
can you change your phone number?
can you close the joint account?
any credit cards, insurance, etc. in both names?
change passwords on any email accounts.
i find myself wondering if she has a history of heroin use and maybe you're just finding out about it now...
then, get yourself educated about addicts and get some help for yourself (alanon, therapist, posting here)
good luck!
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 3
First let me say holy crap.... How can one write a note like that being all pissed off and come to the conclusion that I should not give a F anymore to a complete 180 to sitting here reading these and being an emotional wreck. I am not an emotional person well i thought i wasn't But jesus........
<bookwyrm> Thanks for the kind words...........
Well to answer your questions :
No I can't really change my number had it for 6 years now and my work revolves around my cell.
Can not close the joint account she again needs to sign a paper. But i will not put money in it as the bank will take from there to cover the negative balance in her account.
No other shared or mutual accounts
She does not have my passwords to anything....
As far as history of it that i can not answer as I have not seen it... I thought i knew enough about drugs and considered myself pretty street smart as I was there and did that.... But if she was hiding it she did a great job of it
--Brian
<bookwyrm> Thanks for the kind words...........
Well to answer your questions :
No I can't really change my number had it for 6 years now and my work revolves around my cell.
Can not close the joint account she again needs to sign a paper. But i will not put money in it as the bank will take from there to cover the negative balance in her account.
No other shared or mutual accounts
She does not have my passwords to anything....
As far as history of it that i can not answer as I have not seen it... I thought i knew enough about drugs and considered myself pretty street smart as I was there and did that.... But if she was hiding it she did a great job of it
--Brian
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by NitroBuild 
Can not close the joint account she again needs to sign a paper. But i will not put money in it as the bank will take from there to cover the negative balance in her account.
I learned (oh the information you learn by going through a divorce) that most regular joint bank accounts can absolutely be closed by just one person. You can just walk into a local branch and say "hi, I'd like to close the account."
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
You might check on the bank account again, my AH closed our joint accounts when I left him - and I didn't have any say in it.
I don't have much advice. Know that you cannot reason with her, and that anything she tells you will have to be suspect since she's under the influence of her addiction. I would go as close to no contact as you can....for your well being. There isn't a darned thing you can do to help her, she has to choose to help herself, and she may never do that.
I don't have much advice. Know that you cannot reason with her, and that anything she tells you will have to be suspect since she's under the influence of her addiction. I would go as close to no contact as you can....for your well being. There isn't a darned thing you can do to help her, she has to choose to help herself, and she may never do that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Originally Posted by gowest
Are you SURE about this fact?!!
I learned (oh the information you learn by going through a divorce) that most regular joint bank accounts can absolutely be closed by just one person. You can just walk into a local branch and say "hi, I'd like to close the account."
I learned (oh the information you learn by going through a divorce) that most regular joint bank accounts can absolutely be closed by just one person. You can just walk into a local branch and say "hi, I'd like to close the account."
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi brian-
i'll second what stillwaters says... anything an active addict says should be suspect...if you choose to believe her than you'll have to assume the consequences of that...
i thought i was street smart too but reading here for a few months really opened my eyes to how naive i was...
brian, if you go no contact she might come back all repentant and crying and begging you for forgiveness. this is typical behavior. just remember pay attention to what they DO, not what they SAY...
they will say anything to rope you back in so that they can get back to their addiction.
don't fall for it!
naive
i'll second what stillwaters says... anything an active addict says should be suspect...if you choose to believe her than you'll have to assume the consequences of that...
i thought i was street smart too but reading here for a few months really opened my eyes to how naive i was...
brian, if you go no contact she might come back all repentant and crying and begging you for forgiveness. this is typical behavior. just remember pay attention to what they DO, not what they SAY...
they will say anything to rope you back in so that they can get back to their addiction.
don't fall for it!
naive
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Do whatever you can do with no hesitation to protect yourself.
She's in the self-destruct mode, and your protective actions for yourself perhaps will also benefit her in finding the bottom.
I feel for you. I've been there. It's miserable.
She's in the self-destruct mode, and your protective actions for yourself perhaps will also benefit her in finding the bottom.
I feel for you. I've been there. It's miserable.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Quote:
No I can't really change my number had it for 6 years now and my work revolves around my cell.
You can start using a new one and giving people the new number, and carry both while everybody gets used to your new number. I know its a drag... just an idea to consider.
I am sorry you are going through this. The good news is you can take steps to protect yourself from now on. As someone else said here "I just do not expect anything from addicts". Nothing will ever make sense to a non-addict. Or to someone that abused a substance but recovered, like you. Lies and manipulations are endless - that is what active addicts do. They use people. Its not personal. They live in an underworld.
It hurts a lot to wake up to a reality.. but on the long run its for the best. Life is truly beautiful when its shared with healthier people, and when you are around a toxic person the only thing you can do is remove yourself from their sick world, find out why you were there in the first place (so you do not repeat the same mistakes) and then give yourself another chance to be happy and healthy. (Man if only it was that easy... but its possible)
Keep posting, we care very much! :ghug2
No I can't really change my number had it for 6 years now and my work revolves around my cell.
You can start using a new one and giving people the new number, and carry both while everybody gets used to your new number. I know its a drag... just an idea to consider.
I am sorry you are going through this. The good news is you can take steps to protect yourself from now on. As someone else said here "I just do not expect anything from addicts". Nothing will ever make sense to a non-addict. Or to someone that abused a substance but recovered, like you. Lies and manipulations are endless - that is what active addicts do. They use people. Its not personal. They live in an underworld.
It hurts a lot to wake up to a reality.. but on the long run its for the best. Life is truly beautiful when its shared with healthier people, and when you are around a toxic person the only thing you can do is remove yourself from their sick world, find out why you were there in the first place (so you do not repeat the same mistakes) and then give yourself another chance to be happy and healthy. (Man if only it was that easy... but its possible)
Keep posting, we care very much! :ghug2
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome friend.
I empathize with the chaos that her addiction has brought and how quickly these situations can spin beyond reason.
When it comes to finances and extracating yourself from someone else's liabilities, it's always a good idea to get some legal advice. Check out some free legal aid in your area or sit down for a free consult with an attorney. You may be able to negotiate a quick flat rate for a court filing to put the bank and your landlord on notice that her liability is not your own.
I agree with protecting yourself financially and legally. Emotionally protecting yourself is entirely another story and a much more painstaking journey.
Wishing you the best.
Alice
I empathize with the chaos that her addiction has brought and how quickly these situations can spin beyond reason.
When it comes to finances and extracating yourself from someone else's liabilities, it's always a good idea to get some legal advice. Check out some free legal aid in your area or sit down for a free consult with an attorney. You may be able to negotiate a quick flat rate for a court filing to put the bank and your landlord on notice that her liability is not your own.
I agree with protecting yourself financially and legally. Emotionally protecting yourself is entirely another story and a much more painstaking journey.
Wishing you the best.
Alice
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