bookwyrm

I thought I was doing really well at putting STBXAH out of my mind and out of my life. Huh. Got the signed separation agreement and everything!

I've been feeling a little down lately - slipping into a bit of depression again but have caught myself doing it and decided to take some action to stop myself getting too down. I feel like I'm living in limbo - this house isn't really mine, I'm just looking after it for the person who buys it. Its been on the market for 6 months.

We're having to switch estate agents to sell the house (the 6 month contract was up with our old one) so I had to start communicating with him again. It seems to have opened the floodgates of venom and bile. My counsellor warned me this might happen yesterday afternoon and boy has it ever last night and this morning! He just won't answer the questions needed to get the house back on the market.

He's balking at spending money on an estate agent and selling fees etc, even though its written in the agreement that we would share the cost of selling. He's going ballistic at the new value of the house gotten through the survey done for the home report. He is throwing up ancient history - according to him I owe him since he earned more money than me for most of our relationship. He's saying that I'm ripping him off (huh???) by getting half of our joint assets - I should only get 30% by his calculations, oh and he wants me to pay half his rent even though he's the one who left to be near the 'someone else he's in love with'! According to him, I have things cushy.

And, to put the icing on the cake, he is now claiming that since no one witnessed his signature on the separation agreement, it is null and void.

I know this is quacking, I do. I just can't get over the sheer venom and viciousness from someone I spent 18 years - just under half of my life - with. I certainly don't deserve this. I'm so sick of his victimhood. I wouldn't be in touch except that he needs to sign the release to sell the house and he needs to contribute to the costs - I've already paid over £600 to remarket it. Its not too much to ask him to pay some of the bills. The estate agent will even defer the payment for 9 months - but STBXAH knew this was coming up and knew the costs associated with switching to another estate agent.

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. I'm not at work today, thankfully, cos I'm just sitting here crying from sheer frustration. I took a day of annual leave to work on the garden and get the outside of the house sorted for photographs. I've painted, decorated, cleaned, paid for a roof repair, sourced a new estate agent all on my own (well, with a bit of help from my family) and he steps in and messes it up - accusing me of not being serious about selling it so far!

Aaaaaaaaaargh.

Yeah, I know, back to step one two and three for me. I just wish this was done. I'm tired of being the root cause of all the evil in the world in his eyes. I still let him hurt me when I remember how sweet he could be. I don't deserve this! My inner child is throwing a temper tantrum screaming ITS NOT FAIR!

I'm really trying not to give him any more ammunition by retaliating - though it is sooo tempting. Its scary, reading his emails, just how far from logical his thinking has become. I really wanna poke holes in it!

I've suggested he goes back to his solicitor and asked him, for the third time, to answer the questions about the house that need to be answered so I can move on. I have a feeling he will dump all the costs of selling onto me. Fine. Its only money. I just want him out of my life.

Thanks for listening to me whine. I know it could be worse. We don't have children to further complicate things. I don't know how those who still live with their active A's can do it - you have my admiration. I just need to get 'back with the program' and get some serious detachment under my belt.

naive

hi bookwyrm-

gee, he sounds quite unreasonable and uncooperative.

if your house is paid for, why not simply do nothing and just live there? i imagine that sooner or later, he'll have to do something, like interview real estate agents.

i don't know what your financial situation is, but you could also do nothing and move out. i imagine it wouldn't be long until he sees the light and begins to cooperate.

it sounds as if you've done all the work and all he's doing is bitching.

laurie6781

Awww (((((Bookwyrm)))))

I am so sorry he is giving you more QUACKING. I know it will cost money, but maybe now would it might be best to go back to your solicitor and have the lawyer do all the 'contacting' of your STBXAH. That way, you won't have to listen to the QUACKING and you can continue to move forward.

Good thoughts and prayers, winging their way to you 'across the pond' from New Mexico.

Love and hugs,

bookwyrm

Thanks for the support!

I think I really have come a long way. I recognise it as quacking. I'm not taking the blame to heart. I'm not trying to bend over backwards to accomodate him and I'm not stooping to his level and getting mean and dirty and fighting back (despite the temptation!). I'm not believing what he says.

I'm feeling much better this afternoon after a few hours yanking weeds out in the garden. I can highly recommend it - very therapeutic! Still a bit scunnered by him but its passing. I'm not going to obsess over the what and why's etc - what's the point? He just wants to scramble my brains. I'm going to try and just let it go again.

TakingCharge999

Great to hear you are doing better!!!

I find solace knowing everything will be a part of the past one day... and I will be able to see it, fully healed and from a great distance.

Hope you enjoy your weekend!