luciddreamrgrl

I hope this letter inspires you. I sent this to him about three days ago. I have shown it to my family and some friends of mine who have dealt with alcoholics in the past. They were very inspired by it and told me I was strong to write it. I have it saved in my inbox and I read it whenever I start doubting myself for what I decided to do. It's very personal, but if it helps another looking to leave their abf's or agf's, then I will be very happy. This whole situation has helped me to realize that while I have a long way to go, I am stronger than I thought.

Here goes,

Don't worry, This will be my last time writing or texting.

I am writing this before I actually send it. I'm not sure that I ever will send it. But when I'm ready, I will.

I have woken up today, and realized that I was right to leave. At first I wasn't sure. I cried every day. I'm crying right now. I miss you. I love you. I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life. I wanted to have babies with you. You were my dream come true. I think about you every day. It's always on my mind that you will get the help that you need and come back to me and realize that you've made a mistake. I'm constantly checking my phone and waiting for a text that never comes. I see you in my dreams. I look for your car everywhere I go. I hope that you will come to my work and embrace me in your arms. I wait for you while I'm at home alone. I think about having sex with you constantly.

Now for the however.

You obviously don't feel the same. If you did, you would be doing all of the above. You have not. Therefore, you were not worth it. I will cherish our memories and the THOUGHT of all of the above. A life with a sober you would have been fulfilling and lasted a lifetime. But somewhere, there is a man that appreciates me. That loves me and treats me with respect. One day I will put all of the effort I gave you, into a man who will show it back. One day I will not have to work so hard to fight for the place of number 1. I will not have to worry that a man loves my child unconditionally. One day the tears will stop falling. They will fall only for a man that appreciates that my love for him is unconditional. He will ask me to marry him. and I will say yes.

This man will not be you.

I have forgiven you for choosing alcohol over my child and I. I hope only for the best for you. It is in my nature to NEVER give up on love. I will not let you be the man that makes me forget that love is the most important thing. And one day you will look back and say, I had a woman in my life once that loved me enough to leave me. She loved me enough to not enable me and try and get me to get help. And I let her slip through my fingers only because I shut down during the week that she left. If I had just admitted that I loved her as much as she loved me, I might have gotten to keep that special love.

Or maybe not. Maybe you are saying to yourself, I'm glad she's gone. Maybe one day you will find another woman who will not get fed up with your poor choices due to alcohol. Maybe she will enable you and allow you to drink forever. Then you will be happy, and she may or may not be. But it won't matter. Because all that matters is that YOUR happy.

You gave up on love, not me. I am happier for it. I will hold a special place for you in my heart forever because you made me realize exactly what I do not want. Another life lesson learned. And one day my child will thank me for making the best decision I could. He will realize that I love him always. And maybe even one day I will thank myself. Even through all of the pain and loneliness.

kv816

Thank you.

Coulda wrote the same thing many, many times.

Jadmack25

Very similar to the last letter I emailed and also printed out and sent to ABF some months back, when I had come to the end of my tether. I also went away for a week, kept no contact with him and left him to stew in his own juice while I bawled my eyes out, prayed for hours, walked in the bush and came to my senses.
On my return I found a reply saying he understood my feelings and why I had finally just given up on him, said he loved me and hated who and what he was that caused so much trouble. I replied with 2 words "thank you", and stayed out of his way for another 2 weeks.
He decided to stop drinking, to seek real help and I played no part in that at all. We did resume friendly contact, and when I was in need, he was a rock for me (for the first time ever). I now live in the same retirement units he does, and we spend a lot of time together having meals at each other's unit, watching shows on tv and generally hanging out. He still goes to D and A counselor, reads his old AA book and keeps busy gardening and SOBER. I keep interested in ME, family, computer and use SR as my program.

I was worried about sending my letter originally, but decided that I was feeling the things I wrote about and he needed to know why I was jumping ship after 18 years. I was NOT expecting what followed, in fact I got out of the way because I anticipated a load of quacking, blame, and unpleasant behavior from him and for him to have gone on the Grandmother of all Benders. None of that happened, thank God.

I don't know what the future holds for either of us, but one thing I do know is that at 65 I want peace and pleasure to be the mainstay of my life, and no more fear or dread of a drunk in it.

Right now I have what I often dreamt of, and it is so very nice.

TakingCharge999

Hi luciddream, I totally know those feelings...

I sent that letter and I got an angry response that "I shouldn't have sent him it" (yeah, keep abusing, we women are there to be your emotional punching bags never to "make waves")

Then he proceeded to say he planned on drinking the rest of his life and got another alcoholic on his life.

I just wanted to tell you all these writing are there to help YOU... he may die an alcoholic like my x plans to do, he may find recovery, whatever... you do not control it... you can just do what is best for you even if it hurts so much. For many of us around here is leaving and staying away.

All the best for you.

luciddreamrgrl

Thanks guys.

I think the letter got to him. It has made him think at least. Today is day 15 that we have been seperated. Last night he told me that he was going to get sober. Of course that is all I know at this point because I have been backing off. He hasn't begged me back and even told me that he is hesitant of getting back with me because he is afraid of me leaving him again if his sobriety doesn't work. This is a huge about face!

Hopefully it will be true. But for now I'm maintaining my distance. I will let him come to me this time. I bought him a book though. I'm going to drop it off while he is at work. It's about recognizing your alcoholic tendencies and how to help yourself with the disease.

How do you know when an alcoholic is serious about sobriety?

twopznapod

i don't know if you ever really do...every time my husband promised sobriety i ALWAYS believed him, because i loved him and i wanted to be with him...it was one of those situations that my head was screaming no no no and my heart was screaming yes yes yes...i knew better than to believe him the thousands of times he made the promise of sobriety but i did (one of the many reasons why i have trust issues only this one was self inflicted)...for me it's one step at a time, one day at a time, some days one minute at a time...if he is serious you'll know, he'll show you...probably without meaning to

Jadmack25

((How do you know when an alcoholic is serious about sobriety? ))

When the drinking, sneaking, lying, cheating, quacking and manipulation stops, they get into some sort of recovery and work their butts off REALLY working the program, and staying with it for more than a token amount of time.

laurie6781

When they die, sober, after a long continuous sober way of life.

You don't.

There are no guarantees, unfortunately.

J M H O

I have been sober and clean many many years now. I certainly have no 'intention' of picking up a drink, however, I have no idea what might 'trigger' me to do so. There are just no set in stone guarantees.

Love and hugs,

gerryP

I can see you are in a painful situation, however i do see that you refer to him as XABF.

Getting sober is a process and for many alcoholics there are many false starts. Alcoholics can not EVER get sober for anyone but themselves, nor can they stay sober for anyone else. Just my opinion, but when I was in my first year of sobriety I concentrated on my sobriety and only that. Trying to work out a relationship and trying to get sober don't mix well. You might want to consider having no contact period, if your relationship is in fact over and let your XABF get on with his life whichever way and move forward creating a new beginning for yourself and your son.

Best wishes to you.