I do not understand this man?
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I do not understand this man?
It is Father's Day. He spent yesterday working. Then today was up early to work picking up trash due to his DUI. Got home and I went to get groceries. Came back and I could tell he had been drinking. His pupils get big. He was mean and tired and all he wanted to do was go to sleep.
I'm mad. I'm sad for our kids. I need to remember this post for when I feel like I am staying for the kids. He actually took a nap. I know I shouldn't be mad and I am supposed to be working on me, but I am mad.
He is picking up trash on the side of the road. Has no driver's license for 1 year. He will be going to jail for the second DUI. Yet, he still comes home and drinks. This man must have no bottom. The kicker was he told me that he called his sponsor this morning...at his break to work on Step 4. But hours later he buys beer.
I didn't start a fight or even confront him about it. I told him that it wasn't the kids fault he got a DUI and that he shouldn't take it out on them if he was tired (I know he was tired too b/c of drinking, but didn't say that). He didn't get it. Still took a nap.
Sigh. I know I'm not getting this. I guess I'm trying to make sense of it all.
I'm mad. I'm sad for our kids. I need to remember this post for when I feel like I am staying for the kids. He actually took a nap. I know I shouldn't be mad and I am supposed to be working on me, but I am mad.
He is picking up trash on the side of the road. Has no driver's license for 1 year. He will be going to jail for the second DUI. Yet, he still comes home and drinks. This man must have no bottom. The kicker was he told me that he called his sponsor this morning...at his break to work on Step 4. But hours later he buys beer.
I didn't start a fight or even confront him about it. I told him that it wasn't the kids fault he got a DUI and that he shouldn't take it out on them if he was tired (I know he was tired too b/c of drinking, but didn't say that). He didn't get it. Still took a nap.
Sigh. I know I'm not getting this. I guess I'm trying to make sense of it all.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
It just keeps on coming, doesn't it? Trying to make sense of it will tie you in knots and drive you crazy. Honestly, what are you getting out of this relationship? Why are you staying?
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
It just keeps on coming, doesn't it? Trying to make sense of it will tie you in knots and drive you crazy. Honestly, what are you getting out of this relationship? Why are you staying?
What am I getting out of this relationship, not much. Why am I staying, money and kids.
I was thinking today of what would really make me happy. I would happy if I could spend every dime he spent on attys, duis, and rehab on myself. That's at least $17,000. But then a voice pops up that says that is irresponsible. But sadly, what would make me happy is if we were even and I had my money back. I can't really get past that. I suppose I should let that go too.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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Originally Posted by whyamistaying
What am I getting out of this relationship, not much. Why am I staying, money and kids.
I was thinking today of what would really make me happy.
I would happy if I could spend every dime he spent on attys, duis, and rehab on myself.
That's at least $17,000.
what would make me happy is if we were even and I had my money back.
Ouch!!!
You say you are staying for "money and kids"?
these aren't good reasons to stay in a relationship, he will never pay you the money he borrowed, and alcoholic relationships are harmful to children.
So you are waiting for him to pay you back the 17 G's of your money he spent and staying for the sake of the children? As long as you keep giving him your money, he will keep taking it, that's not just alcoholic nature, it's human nature.
I mean why earn $$$ or even try when someone else is footing all the bills?
Can you think about spending some of your money on yourself and go to a therapist? or al-anon? (free-ish)
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
His bottom may be jail or it may even be the grave. He will have a bottom. I hope you can come to a peace with yourself about how long you will ________________. ( the blank is yours to fill.)
love tammy
Philippians 4:6-8 (New International Version)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
love tammy
Philippians 4:6-8 (New International Version)
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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Yes, he spent that much on himself. And sadly, that is a big part of my anger. I work PT and he works FT, but it is still our money as we are married and it is a community property state. So yes, he spent our money on those things. He told me he needed to go to rehab and 2 weeks wasn't enough he said.
Because he is still drinking, who knows how much or when, but he is still hiding beer, then I feel like he might have well lit a match to that money because it is gone and where are my results?
I wish I knew what I know now and I wouldn't have agreed to rehab. I wouldn't have agreed to hiring an atty for the 2nd DUI. He did all the "leg work" but in the end I did agree to use our money. I would have said, if he wanted to quit drinking so bad, he should have done the 2 day detox to show me he was serious instead of a 30 day rehab.
But I am learning. I stuck to my word and told him I wasn't going into debt to pay anymore and he can pick up trash to work off his court fees.
I even told him he could have pis*ed on the money, after I found him ditching an AA meeting, and why did he waste our money? He told me he didn't have any answers.
One of those I wish I knew what I knew now. I was under the belief/maybe denial that alcoholism was a disease and here my spouse was asking to go and wouldn't I send someone who had cancer to a place? That kind of thinking.
To answer your question, this is horrible, but yes, I do want to be paid back. I want him to sell his motorcycle and his tools and start paying the family back. It is not "fair" that his kids and wife have had to live on a budget and he can spend all this money on himself to no avail.
Because he is still drinking, who knows how much or when, but he is still hiding beer, then I feel like he might have well lit a match to that money because it is gone and where are my results?
I wish I knew what I know now and I wouldn't have agreed to rehab. I wouldn't have agreed to hiring an atty for the 2nd DUI. He did all the "leg work" but in the end I did agree to use our money. I would have said, if he wanted to quit drinking so bad, he should have done the 2 day detox to show me he was serious instead of a 30 day rehab.
But I am learning. I stuck to my word and told him I wasn't going into debt to pay anymore and he can pick up trash to work off his court fees.
I even told him he could have pis*ed on the money, after I found him ditching an AA meeting, and why did he waste our money? He told me he didn't have any answers.
One of those I wish I knew what I knew now. I was under the belief/maybe denial that alcoholism was a disease and here my spouse was asking to go and wouldn't I send someone who had cancer to a place? That kind of thinking.
To answer your question, this is horrible, but yes, I do want to be paid back. I want him to sell his motorcycle and his tools and start paying the family back. It is not "fair" that his kids and wife have had to live on a budget and he can spend all this money on himself to no avail.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
I wasted an enormous amount of time trying to understand. It was the hardest thing I sturuggled with. I thought for certain my head was going to explode with the effort I put into understanding it all.
It's 3 years later and 2 months since I left and I still don't understand. However, the need to understand is now gone.
Sometimes there are just no answers. Most likely, your husband doesn't have them either.
My XABF was a stockbroker. He is very intelligent, well educated, kind and has a great sense of humor. He could have the world by the tail.
So let's see -he had money, a great family, great home, a woman who truly loved him and he still threw it all away.
There is just no understanding it.
But you are learning and you are understanding about recovery for yourself. That is the most important thing. You can't force recovery on him but you can help yourself.
I appauld you for sticking to your guns and not allowing him to use the family money to pay off the court fees. You are setting boundaries about what you feel is acceptable and best for yourself and your family. That is no small feat.
It's 3 years later and 2 months since I left and I still don't understand. However, the need to understand is now gone.
Sometimes there are just no answers. Most likely, your husband doesn't have them either.
My XABF was a stockbroker. He is very intelligent, well educated, kind and has a great sense of humor. He could have the world by the tail.
So let's see -he had money, a great family, great home, a woman who truly loved him and he still threw it all away.
There is just no understanding it.
But you are learning and you are understanding about recovery for yourself. That is the most important thing. You can't force recovery on him but you can help yourself.
I appauld you for sticking to your guns and not allowing him to use the family money to pay off the court fees. You are setting boundaries about what you feel is acceptable and best for yourself and your family. That is no small feat.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
It really bothers me when people compare alcoholism to cancer. It is NOT a comparison, AT ALL. The cancer patient has no choice, and the cancer patient doesn't become beligerant and mean to his/her family, ruin family occasions because they are selfish and want to take a nap instead. A cancer patient can show love and kindness to his/her family in spite of their disease. An alcoholic, on the other hand, becomes all of those things BECAUSE of their choice to drink. Sorry, I am not a believer in the "alcoholism is a disease" mantra. I believe it is a choice and a person CAN stop if they really, really want to. That means that living a sober life is the most important thing to them. More important than their family, their job, their church...etc. Is it easy? NO!!! Will they get it right the first time? Probably not! It's HARD work and that is why THEY have to want it for themselves.
This is all my opinion, to which I am entitled. Everyone may not agree and that's fine.
This is all my opinion, to which I am entitled. Everyone may not agree and that's fine.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
Yes, he spent that much on himself. And sadly, that is a big part of my anger. I work PT and he works FT, but it is still our money as we are married and it is a community property state. So yes, he spent our money on those things. He told me he needed to go to rehab and 2 weeks wasn't enough he said.
Because he is still drinking, who knows how much or when, but he is still hiding beer, then I feel like he might have well lit a match to that money because it is gone and where are my results?
I wish I knew what I know now and I wouldn't have agreed to rehab. I wouldn't have agreed to hiring an atty for the 2nd DUI. He did all the "leg work" but in the end I did agree to use our money. I would have said, if he wanted to quit drinking so bad, he should have done the 2 day detox to show me he was serious instead of a 30 day rehab.
But I am learning. I stuck to my word and told him I wasn't going into debt to pay anymore and he can pick up trash to work off his court fees.
I even told him he could have pis*ed on the money, after I found him ditching an AA meeting, and why did he waste our money? He told me he didn't have any answers.
One of those I wish I knew what I knew now. I was under the belief/maybe denial that alcoholism was a disease and here my spouse was asking to go and wouldn't I send someone who had cancer to a place? That kind of thinking.
To answer your question, this is horrible, but yes, I do want to be paid back. I want him to sell his motorcycle and his tools and start paying the family back. It is not "fair" that his kids and wife have had to live on a budget and he can spend all this money on himself to no avail.
Because he is still drinking, who knows how much or when, but he is still hiding beer, then I feel like he might have well lit a match to that money because it is gone and where are my results?
I wish I knew what I know now and I wouldn't have agreed to rehab. I wouldn't have agreed to hiring an atty for the 2nd DUI. He did all the "leg work" but in the end I did agree to use our money. I would have said, if he wanted to quit drinking so bad, he should have done the 2 day detox to show me he was serious instead of a 30 day rehab.
But I am learning. I stuck to my word and told him I wasn't going into debt to pay anymore and he can pick up trash to work off his court fees.
I even told him he could have pis*ed on the money, after I found him ditching an AA meeting, and why did he waste our money? He told me he didn't have any answers.
One of those I wish I knew what I knew now. I was under the belief/maybe denial that alcoholism was a disease and here my spouse was asking to go and wouldn't I send someone who had cancer to a place? That kind of thinking.
To answer your question, this is horrible, but yes, I do want to be paid back. I want him to sell his motorcycle and his tools and start paying the family back. It is not "fair" that his kids and wife have had to live on a budget and he can spend all this money on himself to no avail.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
Yes, he spent that much on himself. And sadly, that is a big part of my anger. I work PT and he works FT, but it is still our money as we are married and it is a community property state. So yes, he spent our money on those things. He told me he needed to go to rehab and 2 weeks wasn't enough he said.
Because he is still drinking, who knows how much or when, but he is still hiding beer, then I feel like he might have well lit a match to that money because it is gone and where are my results?
I wish I knew what I know now and I wouldn't have agreed to rehab. I wouldn't have agreed to hiring an atty for the 2nd DUI. He did all the "leg work" but in the end I did agree to use our money. I would have said, if he wanted to quit drinking so bad, he should have done the 2 day detox to show me he was serious instead of a 30 day rehab.
But I am learning. I stuck to my word and told him I wasn't going into debt to pay anymore and he can pick up trash to work off his court fees.
I even told him he could have pis*ed on the money, after I found him ditching an AA meeting, and why did he waste our money? He told me he didn't have any answers.
One of those I wish I knew what I knew now. I was under the belief/maybe denial that alcoholism was a disease and here my spouse was asking to go and wouldn't I send someone who had cancer to a place? That kind of thinking.
To answer your question, this is horrible, but yes, I do want to be paid back. I want him to sell his motorcycle and his tools and start paying the family back. It is not "fair" that his kids and wife have had to live on a budget and he can spend all this money on himself to no avail.
Because he is still drinking, who knows how much or when, but he is still hiding beer, then I feel like he might have well lit a match to that money because it is gone and where are my results?
I wish I knew what I know now and I wouldn't have agreed to rehab. I wouldn't have agreed to hiring an atty for the 2nd DUI. He did all the "leg work" but in the end I did agree to use our money. I would have said, if he wanted to quit drinking so bad, he should have done the 2 day detox to show me he was serious instead of a 30 day rehab.
But I am learning. I stuck to my word and told him I wasn't going into debt to pay anymore and he can pick up trash to work off his court fees.
I even told him he could have pis*ed on the money, after I found him ditching an AA meeting, and why did he waste our money? He told me he didn't have any answers.
One of those I wish I knew what I knew now. I was under the belief/maybe denial that alcoholism was a disease and here my spouse was asking to go and wouldn't I send someone who had cancer to a place? That kind of thinking.
To answer your question, this is horrible, but yes, I do want to be paid back. I want him to sell his motorcycle and his tools and start paying the family back. It is not "fair" that his kids and wife have had to live on a budget and he can spend all this money on himself to no avail.
I'm sorry, I misunderstood, I thought he was spending your money, it SHOULD be the families money, but it isn't because of the choices he makes because of his untreated alcoholism.
He was spending HIS money, the money HE earned, but the thing about adults is they get to spend the money they earn however they see fit, it doesn't matter how stupid and useless it is EXCEPT if you were to get a divorce and get child support payments. That is a court enforced amount of money he will have to pay.
I am not saying it's "right" but it's "how it is" and I find if I move away from how it should be, and what somebody else SHOULD be doing and start focusing on how it actually IS, I can make much better reality based decisions.
However, if you stay with him, you are tacitly agreeing and ALLOWING him to spend his money however he deems. You are enabling him.
The thing about alcoholism is it moves into a place where drinking causes consequences for the alcoholic. The thing about staying with an alcoholic that "drinks with consequences" is those consequences become yours.
He drinks and has consequences. His consequences harm him and his income, and what he can spend on his family. You stay with him. His consequences impact you and your children.
You agree to those consequences by staying with him, and nothing you say or do will change that.
You stated that you are staying with him because of "money and children" I state that is "fuzzy thinking" because those are the two of the things his drinking adversely impacts the most.
I know I am coming across as a hardpoopybutt, but the point I am trying to make is you CAN make decisions that will enable you to actually protect yourself, relying on him to "do the right thing" will only cause you emotional duress.
In order for me to start making the correct decisions to start protecting myself from the damage caused by active alcoholism in family members I had to change my focus from "this is what they are doing TO me, this is how they are harming me" to "What can I do to protect myself from the results of their drinking based on the overwhelming evidence I possess about how harmful their actions are on those around them"
By changing my focus from "what they have done" to "what can I do" I make much better decisions
I hope my post makes sense, and you realize I am "on your side", I just needed to try and get past what I view as some "fuzzy logic" and I don't always know how to do that in a gentle and loving way. I am working on it though.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
It is not "fair" that his kids and wife have had to live on a budget and he can spend all this money on himself to no avail.
It is not 'fair' to your children that they continue to be subjected to 'active alcoholism.'
Staying for the money? What money? He has showed you and continues to show you that he will 'keep himself first' and y'all get leftovers if there are any.
Staying for the children? Why, so they too can some day treat their SO the way you and they are being treated? That this type of behavior is normal?
May I suggest that instead of 'trying' to understand him, which will only get you locked up in a padded cell and labeled CRAZY, that you focus on what YOU can do to CHANGE the current living circumstances.
No I am not necessarily say the evil D Word, 'divorce.' But an undetermined length of SEPARATION in separate living accomadations would allow some peace and serenity to enter you and your children's life and allow you to work on you and WATCH his ACTIONS from a distance to see if there is a change, if he does seek sobriety, and then you can make a new decision with a MUCH CLEARER head and heart as to the next step.
Or
You can stay on the current ROLLER COASTER.
You do have choices.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
"What am I getting out of this relationship, not much. Why am I staying, money and kids."
I stayed way too long because of money and the kids, and for me it was the right choice...because my husband was so functional, no dui's, no passing out...the most selfish person in the world, who also had a few drinks every night, I knew that since he held a full time job, yada yada, he would get joint custody. And my thinking was, if I am living under the same roof at least I can protect the kids from his sorry self....instead of worrying half the time about their mental health (really cranky guy, very critical) and safety.
You have to make your own decisions, but, I would caution you that this may be your window of opportunity and you might need to decide that a divorce would mean you
could still get his money (provided he doesn't lose his job while in jail) and given the fact that he is still drinking (save receipts for proof) and/or so early in recovery that you can't trust him with joint custody, you can protect your kids.
Think of how angry you are now, but how really horridly angry you will feel when you lose EVERYTHING if/when he hurts or kills somebody while driving under the influence again. BTW, I would think he would have lost his license by now, how is he GETTING the beer?
(((hug)))
I stayed way too long because of money and the kids, and for me it was the right choice...because my husband was so functional, no dui's, no passing out...the most selfish person in the world, who also had a few drinks every night, I knew that since he held a full time job, yada yada, he would get joint custody. And my thinking was, if I am living under the same roof at least I can protect the kids from his sorry self....instead of worrying half the time about their mental health (really cranky guy, very critical) and safety.
You have to make your own decisions, but, I would caution you that this may be your window of opportunity and you might need to decide that a divorce would mean you
could still get his money (provided he doesn't lose his job while in jail) and given the fact that he is still drinking (save receipts for proof) and/or so early in recovery that you can't trust him with joint custody, you can protect your kids.
Think of how angry you are now, but how really horridly angry you will feel when you lose EVERYTHING if/when he hurts or kills somebody while driving under the influence again. BTW, I would think he would have lost his license by now, how is he GETTING the beer?
(((hug)))
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by whyamistaying
It is Father's Day. He spent yesterday working. Then today was up early to work picking up trash due to his DUI. Got home and I went to get groceries. Came back and I could tell he had been drinking. His pupils get big. He was mean and tired and all he wanted to do was go to sleep.
I'm mad. I'm sad for our kids. I need to remember this post for when I feel like I am staying for the kids. He actually took a nap. I know I shouldn't be mad and I am supposed to be working on me, but I am mad.
He is picking up trash on the side of the road. Has no driver's license for 1 year. He will be going to jail for the second DUI. Yet, he still comes home and drinks. This man must have no bottom. The kicker was he told me that he called his sponsor this morning...at his break to work on Step 4. But hours later he buys beer.
I didn't start a fight or even confront him about it. I told him that it wasn't the kids fault he got a DUI and that he shouldn't take it out on them if he was tired (I know he was tired too b/c of drinking, but didn't say that). He didn't get it. Still took a nap.
Sigh. I know I'm not getting this. I guess I'm trying to make sense of it all.
I'm mad. I'm sad for our kids. I need to remember this post for when I feel like I am staying for the kids. He actually took a nap. I know I shouldn't be mad and I am supposed to be working on me, but I am mad.
He is picking up trash on the side of the road. Has no driver's license for 1 year. He will be going to jail for the second DUI. Yet, he still comes home and drinks. This man must have no bottom. The kicker was he told me that he called his sponsor this morning...at his break to work on Step 4. But hours later he buys beer.
I didn't start a fight or even confront him about it. I told him that it wasn't the kids fault he got a DUI and that he shouldn't take it out on them if he was tired (I know he was tired too b/c of drinking, but didn't say that). He didn't get it. Still took a nap.
Sigh. I know I'm not getting this. I guess I'm trying to make sense of it all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
From Ago
What can I do to protect myself from the results of their drinking based on the overwhelming evidence I possess about how harmful their actions are on those around them?
What can I do to protect myself from the results of their drinking based on the overwhelming evidence I possess about how harmful their actions are on those around them?
By changing my focus from "what they have done" to "what can I do" I make much better decisions
We know he hurt you, we know he harmed you
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks for the clarification! Yes, I get it... I just read that question and thought for putting it that way. It makes ALL the difference...
I will re read everything back at home when I can continue with the soul search, thanks
Sometimes I wonder why I was hesitant to shift focus, if I feel so GOOD now that I am getting my "power" back I will never give it away, I missed it. I suffered too much without it, no one deserves to suffer for another's struggles and pain.
Thanks for today's great support... it is a rather strange day in SR but I am getting a lot out of the discussions...
whyamistaying: I have learned you can leave physically, but its more difficult to actually "leave" emotionally... eventhough I broke up months ago, my heart and mind are still "engaged" but I am starting to realize my life is precious, I am no one against the monster called addiction, and I need to protect myself and the ones that truly love me and I love at all costs
That's all what really matters.. hope you find your way... we'll be here all along!
for putting it that way. It makes ALL the difference... I will re read everything back at home when I can continue with the soul search, thanks
Sometimes I wonder why I was hesitant to shift focus, if I feel so GOOD now that I am getting my "power" back
I will never give it away, I missed it. I suffered too much without it, no one deserves to suffer for another's struggles and pain. Thanks for today's great support... it is a rather strange day in SR but I am getting a lot out of the discussions...
whyamistaying: I have learned you can leave physically, but its more difficult to actually "leave" emotionally... eventhough I broke up months ago, my heart and mind are still "engaged" but I am starting to realize my life is precious, I am no one against the monster called addiction, and I need to protect myself and the ones that truly love me and I love at all costs
That's all what really matters.. hope you find your way... we'll be here all along!
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by Ago
Gotta take both sentences kiddo
with the second statement it changes from "I was wronged" and "I was helpless" to "what can I do", it gives you much "more power" and takes you away from being a victim and gives you responsibility for your own actions.
We know he hurt you, we know he harmed you
with the second statement it changes from "I was wronged" and "I was helpless" to "what can I do", it gives you much "more power" and takes you away from being a victim and gives you responsibility for your own actions.
We know he hurt you, we know he harmed you
Sometimes the partner is so co-dependant that they victimize those around them as much or more then an AP might victimize them. This is the exception because
most often pattern co-dependant behaviors result under the stress of living with an AP. Sometimes it becomes a pattern under traumatic stress adding to the entire dysfunction , but sometimes such behaviors are the normal imperfections we all show under stress, self centeredness, reacting in our anger, etc. Not a pattern, and not destructive to your family , this is normal imperfect human behavior. Just because one has stay married to an A doesn't assume a position of co-dependance. They could have other sensitivities. And being a vicim does not mean that as a vicim you saw yourself as "helpless." ( However, this is of great concern for abused children, being helpless.)
Whether a pattern of our normal moments of character defect, of abuse to self or someone else in co-dependant behavior( I call it sin), we need to take responsibility for our own actions. However, if co-dependacy is a behavior that has resulted under abuse from living in an environment where you for example were often blamed, accused and your imperfections were used to attack you and you have focused on you being co-dependant or your imperfect behaviors instead of recognizing,admitting and healing first from being a victim, then you don't have as much power to have a healthy perspective of " taking responsibility for your own action" and moving forward with healthy behavior towards self and others. For some when the AP is out of their life they don't need to work on themselves for co-dependance as that was not an issue for them. They are a vicim and they need to heal from that. For others however, their healing may happen best as they look to take responsibility for their shortcomings and because of this they thereby are able to heal because they more clearly recognize victimization as they start to change their behavior towards others. *** Realistically, it is the partner that suffers the alcoholic behaviors and abuses and needs to recognize they hold a victim posture in order to leave the burden behind that they carry because of abuse,(that they might not have recognized in its passive forms),the abuse that blamed and pointed the finger and made crazy look like normal and thinking becomes that somehow if the AP would have did something different "it" wouldn't have been so bad. You see, taking on a co-dependant stance for some is putting the cart before the horse.
This forum is "Family and Friends of Alcoholic." It does not assume that one is co-dependant or that one is abused. It does not assume that we who are on here might be neither, one or both. It means we bring all of our accumulated experiences together. And sometimes we assume our perspective into someone elses experience. Sometimes it works out for the best and at other times it may mislead someone. But with our accumulated knowledge and experience it will all work out.:-) The wonderful tool of the "Thread" of multiple voices.:-)
So in my own accumulated knowledge and from personal experience TakingCharge999, I would ask you a question first : Have you recognized what at the present is the highest priority to your spirit , in what order and which need one may need more consentraton,if either, at present? Healing from being a victim from another or healing from being a victim of self ?
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
From Ago
What can I do to protect myself from the results of their drinking based on the overwhelming evidence I possess about how harmful their actions are on those around them?
What can I do to protect myself from the results of their drinking based on the overwhelming evidence I possess about how harmful their actions are on those around them?
love tammy
Jesus said, "28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
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