My (tentative) rules
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My (tentative) rules
Yesterday I learned that my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I've known him for six years, been his girlfriend for seven months, and I had no idea. He had me totally snowed, mainly because he had himself totally snowed. It turns out he drank heavily throughout his teens, then spent around ten years sober and in AA until 1992, when he decided he didn't need AA anymore. Eventually he convinced himself that he could be a social drinker, and that's all I've ever seen.
Then Tuesday he went out on a bender. Wednesday morning he woke up and wanted a drink, and said to himself, "Normal people don't think that." So he talked to a friend of ours who's in AA about getting into meetings, and he told me everything that had happened and his true backstory at his earliest opportunity. He says he'll go to a meeting Friday (his earliest opportunity given his work schedule).
So far I've listened to him, thought a lot, cried some, and come up with some rules:
1. I will put my health, safety and well-being ahead of him and our relationship. I will tolerate some pain, as all relationships inevitably cause some pain, but I will not allow him to destroy me.
2. I will not watch if he starts to destroy himself. If he chooses to drink, I'm going to consider it him leaving me, even if I'm the one packing.
3. I will give him the time and space he needs for recovery. I will not however allow his needs to overwhelm mine in our relationship.
I thought I knew what I was signing up for when we got together, since I had known him for so long. But I didn't sign up for alcoholism.
So do my rules make any sense at all? Am I insane if I don't just run for the hills now, while our lives are not yet so intertwined?
Then Tuesday he went out on a bender. Wednesday morning he woke up and wanted a drink, and said to himself, "Normal people don't think that." So he talked to a friend of ours who's in AA about getting into meetings, and he told me everything that had happened and his true backstory at his earliest opportunity. He says he'll go to a meeting Friday (his earliest opportunity given his work schedule).
So far I've listened to him, thought a lot, cried some, and come up with some rules:
1. I will put my health, safety and well-being ahead of him and our relationship. I will tolerate some pain, as all relationships inevitably cause some pain, but I will not allow him to destroy me.
2. I will not watch if he starts to destroy himself. If he chooses to drink, I'm going to consider it him leaving me, even if I'm the one packing.
3. I will give him the time and space he needs for recovery. I will not however allow his needs to overwhelm mine in our relationship.
I thought I knew what I was signing up for when we got together, since I had known him for so long. But I didn't sign up for alcoholism.
So do my rules make any sense at all? Am I insane if I don't just run for the hills now, while our lives are not yet so intertwined?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Amiga, I'm so glad you found this site.
Have you had much of a chance to read around, read other posts, read the Sticky posts at the top of the forum? They can be a very valuable source of ideas and support for setting boundaries.
I'm sorry this has happened. But whether you "signed up" for alcoholism or not, alcoholism is what you've got.....even if it's just him in recovery, it'll be that way for the rest of his life. A constant element of your relationship, almost like a third partner. So be sure that's what you want before you proceed any further.
"Rules" are good, but boundaries are even better. Do a search for "boundaries" on this forum - there are a couple of very good threads that talk about them, like this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
I'll quote from that one:
So rather than rules, which can be bent and twisted, think about concrete boundaries. What specific actions will trigger self-protective actions on your own behalf? And what - specifically - will you do?
It's very important to think about this. Some of us had boundaries like "If you disrespect me, I will not tolerate it." Without defining specific actions and specific responses, it can become VERY easy to just waffle and waffle, hoping things will get better, growing more despairing with every kick.
By the way: Pain doesn't HAVE to be part of ANY relationship if you don't want it to be. And pain inflicted without concern for your feelings should never be tolerated -- it's not a necessary part of any relationship unless you decide you're willing to put up with it.
I'm glad you're thinking about these things -- about how to take care of yourself. You are already moving in the right direction.
Please pull up a chair and stick around. There's a lot to learn here, and a lot of very nice, smart people who are happy to help.
GL
Have you had much of a chance to read around, read other posts, read the Sticky posts at the top of the forum? They can be a very valuable source of ideas and support for setting boundaries.
I'm sorry this has happened. But whether you "signed up" for alcoholism or not, alcoholism is what you've got.....even if it's just him in recovery, it'll be that way for the rest of his life. A constant element of your relationship, almost like a third partner. So be sure that's what you want before you proceed any further.
"Rules" are good, but boundaries are even better. Do a search for "boundaries" on this forum - there are a couple of very good threads that talk about them, like this one:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
I'll quote from that one:
There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary - the third is what we will do to defend that boundary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what specific steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be: If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)
I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.
If you continue this behavior - a description of what specific steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
One very drastic example (in the case of someone who is just learning about boundaries and has been physically abused in the past) would be: If you ever hit me, I will call the police and press charges - and I will leave this relationship. If you continue to threaten me, I will get a restraining order and prepare to defend myself in whatever manner is necessary.
It's very important to think about this. Some of us had boundaries like "If you disrespect me, I will not tolerate it." Without defining specific actions and specific responses, it can become VERY easy to just waffle and waffle, hoping things will get better, growing more despairing with every kick.
By the way: Pain doesn't HAVE to be part of ANY relationship if you don't want it to be. And pain inflicted without concern for your feelings should never be tolerated -- it's not a necessary part of any relationship unless you decide you're willing to put up with it.
I'm glad you're thinking about these things -- about how to take care of yourself. You are already moving in the right direction.
Please pull up a chair and stick around. There's a lot to learn here, and a lot of very nice, smart people who are happy to help.
GL
Last edited by GiveLove; 06-25-2009 at 04:32 PM.
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Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Have you had much of a chance to read around, read other posts, read the Sticky posts at the top of the forum?
Thanks very much for the advice, especially about boundaries. I think that's what I'm trying to grope toward with my rules. I'm pretty scared and I feel like I need to protect myself.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Alcoholism can be a very scary thing to suddenly find yourself next to -- you are dead right to put time and energy into protecting your future self.
Stop in any time you could use a little community. Yeah, some of the stories are not great in terms of leaving us with a warm fuzzy feeling, but even those often show just how strong we can be when we put our foot down and pursue the life we really want. In other words, even some of the stories where the Relationship-with-a-capital-R didn't survive ended up ultimately bringing great peace and happiness to one of our members.
Try to keep the focus on you -- your life is the only one you can truly control.
Stop in any time you could use a little community. Yeah, some of the stories are not great in terms of leaving us with a warm fuzzy feeling, but even those often show just how strong we can be when we put our foot down and pursue the life we really want. In other words, even some of the stories where the Relationship-with-a-capital-R didn't survive ended up ultimately bringing great peace and happiness to one of our members.
Try to keep the focus on you -- your life is the only one you can truly control.
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