suchAsucker

Ya know, just when I think I've got my codie issues under some kind of control, I take two steps backwards... I need to vent.

:codiepolice

I am white-hot mad at how foolish my ex-afiance's behavior is today. I let it get to me, although it has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I have not acted upon my urge to "save him from himself", which is why I think I'm just in a rage (pent up anger).

I totally fell off the Codie Wagon and checked up on him... found out that the rehab he said he was going to enter this Monday has no record of him, or his application. When we talked on the phone lately, he's been feeding me B.S. about it. And this Tuesday he will be evicted from his skid-row motel room.

I'm pissed at him for lying to me, at myself for believing it, at myself for checking up on him, at myself for not going "no-contact". And, I'm angry that he's such a big baby, a man-child, who cannot take care of his medical (addiction) problems and help himself mentally and physically.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I let myself be sucked back into the BS after I've worked so hard to pull away... I will get myself back on track. It's just hard sometimes to visualize the one whom I loved doing this to himself. Sometimes it's just impossible to pretend like I don't care. I just want to grab him and shake him really hard and yell at him to "Help Himself!"... I know it wouldn't work, but it would be very cathartic for me (not really though when i reconsider it).

I am initiating "no contact today" because I cannot stand witness to the trainwreck that is happening. It's just too painful for me to know about it. I think I'm going to take myself on a roadtrip and get away from parents, telephones, and everyone this weekend. Quiet down the voices in my head.

Thanks for the vent...
:codiepolice

whyamistaying

But at least you are realizing it now and going "no contact".

ItsmeAlice

So you checked up on him...it happens. You are back aboard the wagon.

Congrats on pulling yourself on your own and making a plan to get yourself back on track.

Proud of you!!!!

Alice

blessed4x

My counselor tells me we can't change our habits/ways of reacting until we are first aware of them. "Be an observer in your own life", she tells me. This stuff we do goes deep. It's engrained in us.....you ain't gonna change it overnight. Good job seeing it and putting a system in place to protect yourself!

Wascally Wabbit

Believe me, the further you distance yourself, the more peace you're going to find.
We can't think straight when we are constantly in the middle of chaos and turmoil.

Daisy30

Sounds like you did great. You figured out what works for you and what doesn't

happyguy

the best thing for you to do is to separate yourself from him. This is what I susally say to people grappling with alcohol. Determine the cause and do the rigth thing.

luciddreamrgrl

I feel you. I frequently have the urge to text or email my exabf. I understand what you were going through. Sometimes, its hard to let go of the hope that they will realize what an idiot they are, and get help and come running back to you so you can have the happy life you once thought you would.

But you realized it and are now moving on. Good luck with your "no contact". Hang in there and if you get the need to do something like that again, find and alternative. Come to this site or go to a family members house or make a phone call. I have found that if I have an alternative to texting him, then I don't do it.