kitkat

Ok - This past week I have started to detach myself from the situation and focus on me and my recovery.

Now - my question is do I stop from giving him affection? I'm afraid if I do, I will start back into my codependent ways. But he is not drinking now, and I'm afraid that I may be being unreasonable and showing him no affection will just prove to him that I don't care about him anymore.

Any suggestions?

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Kitkat.

You don't have to detach from the whole alcoholic... just the alcohol part of him. And the whole point of detachment is to not let what YOU do be about what HE does. If you're not affectionate with him because you don't feel affection... that's one thing. If you're not affectionate with him because you're trying to affect his alcoholism by acting a certain way, that's something else. You won't control him with what you do, so do what you feel.

Affection doesn't have to compromise your boundaries. Example: "Your socks? Why they're right on the floor dirty, just where you left them... sweetie pie. I'm going to the movies with Sheilah. Laundry soap's in the white cupboard. Kiss, kiss!"

Hugs!
Smoke

jessieandme2003

Oh, man, I so loved this response!

I am consdiering letting my AH move back in eventually if he stays with his sobriety and I plan to be just this way!!

Man I hate picking up those socks

EmotionalMeg

Hi Kitkat,
I remember at one point, shortly after he began his recovery, I was TRYING to detach. And for me it meant exactly what you implied: cutting off all emotional contact with him, and just pretending like he and his disease didn't exist in my life. So, of course it meant that I wasn't about to show any affection towards him, because it would be like I was allowing him and his disease back into my life. And I certainly couldn't show him that I was "weak" in any way.
But, What it did eventually was alienate me and make me feel extremely lonely. I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong either; I mean I was sure that detachment meant taking him and his disease out of my life even if I was still living with him. But, nope... I was wrong. Smoke is right... It means that we detach from the disease, not the person.
I learned that it is OK to still love him and SHOW him ways in which I do... I am NOT setting myself up to be hurt, because I am the one in charge of those feelings, NOT him. If he does relapse, he is hurting himself. So, it takes a bit of practice and a lot of patience - it won't happen over night. Just remember that you are not failing yourself by still having feelings for him; you deserve to be loved, and so does he.

Take care
Meg

ariesgirl

This is sort of where I am at, too, KitKat. I often feel like if I am affectionate towards my AH, he takes that as a sign that ALL of his behavior is okay with me. I don't want to send ANY message to him...I really do just want to do what I feel, but it's so confusing. Most of the time, I just don't know what I feel. He drinks so often now that I am finding it hard to separate the man from the disease. It's also hard not to see the connection between my behavior and his behavior (and yes, I know that my focus on that connection is what makes me co-dependant). But when he's not drinking, that is when I feel affection, so I show affection and then he acts like "great! I'm out of the doghouse and I can party again!" And when he is drunk, I feel no affection and show no affection, and he acts like a punished boy. I'm not punishing or rewarding, not consciously anyway, but he seems to take it that way.

As you can see, I have not mastered the skill of focusing on myself yet. But I'm getting better at it!

1_day@_a_time

have you told him just how you feel? Just like you said it here?

Might be a good thing to consider.........give the old communication thang a try, it may work, it may not, but it is probably worth a try..............dance a new dance.

If it does not work, stop.

kitkat

Well, I've given some real good thought to all of this and asked my HP last night to help me see why I am having problems with this.

I think it is because almost our whole relationship is based on me trying to make him happy. It wasn't quite like that in the beginning, but as I got to know him whenever he would become angry at something, I would work to make him happy again. It slowly worked into a pattern where I would stop doing what I would do and everything I did was based on what I thought he would like.

For example: if I really just wanted to be alone and read, but he asked me to lay with him on the couch, I would. I would do this so as not to roughen the waters.

I soon found myself getting angry and resentful if when I did try, he just rebuffed me (because obviously as I have learned, there really is nothing I could do to take away whatever pain he is feeling). Soon I didn't go and do everything he wanted - because I didn't want to be hurt anymore, but now he feels resentful and thinks I don't love him and his expectation are already set to how I used to act towards him.

Therefore - I am really struggling with the affection thing. I don't want to do something just because I feel he wants me to and it seems that whatever affection I do show is because of that.

I'm not sure how I will deal with, maybe time will tell. I think I really need a lot of time and patience from him plus I need to see action on his part that he will work towards his own recovery. Otherwise, I'm afraid we won't be able stay together, because I will never feel like I can trust him or give him affection without the fear that I will fall back into my old ways.

I am going to try to talk with him this weekend. I'm not going to blame him, but try to explain my sickness and what I am doing to try to recover. And we start going to marriage counseling next week. I'm also going to use that as a way to get across how I feel and we'll see what the counselor says to him.

Thanks for the advise!
Kitkat

journeygal

Hi Kitkat,

I'm going through something similar with my husband. Trying to be less needy and focus on me, which has turned into me not being affectionate. Hubby's pretty upset and keeps complaining about me being distant. I think you're doing the right thing by focusing on doing what you want to do and not always what he wants to do, but that shouldn't mean you stop showing affection at all.

But changing is hard. Last night I needed to study, but hubby wanted me to play video games with him, so I did. And he's used to me dropping whatever I do to accomodate him. Now, I should have said no, but I've been so distant lately that I felt the need to try to reconnect with him. So I did and it was nice and we had fun. But I don't want to constantly be in that trap of always doing what he wants whenever he wants.

So, I have nothing useful to offer , but just wanted you to know you're not alone. It's all about balance and if we keep at it, I think we'll eventually get to a healthy point where it's not always about them or always about us.

Take care and hugs,
JG

kitkat

Thanks journeygal! That does help!

Hopefully I can communicate to him what I am going thru right now and he will agree to be patient. I'll try what you said and give in at certain times - just not all the time.

This definitely is some kind of a balancing act!! I hope I"ll get it down here soon.