rightonac

I have been struggling with my relationship with and abuse of alcohol for a while, and with my relationship with my wife for as long. It is a long story and I will not tell it all, but hope to relate the fundamentals well enough to solicit good response.

I am a binge drinker. I love drinking and wrapped my alcohol use and abuse into my self-image long ago. I have never been a daily abuser. I have long appreciated a daily drink or drinks shared with friends; but have also appreciated drinking for the purpose of getting drunk on occasion. My relationship-destroying behavior has been my proclivity to hide my bingeing from my wife, fearing her disapproval.

I have long considered my wife to be my best friend. When she began tightening the screw on my drinking behavior, I freaked out. Since then, I have proved that I can’t have the social drinking part alone. If I allow myself this, then I will inevitably allow myself a binge sometime. So I have earnestly been attempting sobriety, but it continues to be difficult. Last week (the day before our 15 year anniversary) I broke 3 months of abstinence. I began the 3 months with a new more intensive program after breaking a previous 3 months of abstinence.

Mine becomes a problem of motivation. I usually feel that I value my relationship with my wife, and providing a good family life for our 4-year-old daughter, more than anything; and that I should be ashamed to allow my relationship with alcohol to effect it negatively. But, there are times when I examine my hierarchy of values that “self-respect” creeps to the top, and I begin to feel that I am subjugating “who I really am/want to be”; while she meanwhile continues to enjoy drinking at precisely the moments the “who I really am” wants to enjoy drinking.

I just haven’t been able to convince myself that my life has “become unmanageable” and that I need to be “restored to sanity.” But I also understand that only a person with a real problem would have to struggle with this. And while I so fear losing my friend, I also don’t know if that consequence is adequate motivation.

Sheesh. I feel self-indulgent writing this, and apologize for bothering your forum with it, as I really don’t know what I’m hoping for by doing so. I have strengthened motivation by reading your stories of how trying it is to live with a drunk. I guess I’m hoping you can beat me up and make it all so clear; but I will also understand if you consider it not worth the effort.

Pelican

Sheesh. I feel self-indulgent writing this, and apologize for bothering your forum with it, as I really don’t know what I’m hoping for by doing so. I have strengthened motivation by reading your stories of how trying it is to live with a drunk. I guess I’m hoping you can beat me up and make it all so clear; but I will also understand if you consider it not worth the effort.

Perfect! guilt, victim and then martyr. You've got a case of manipulation via alcoholism.

Hi, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Welcome to the SR family. I spent a lot of time in the Newcomer's forum and the Alcoholism forum as well. I'm here in F&F and Al anon trying to continue my personal and spiritual growth and recovery from co-dependency.

Have you tried an AA meeting yet? Look in your area for an open meeting. You won't have to say a word if you don't want to. At an open meeting, you get to hear someone share their story of addiction and recovery. That right there is motivating. You also find a lot of friends, people who know what you are going through.

I hope for your personal well being, peace and serenity that you find the strength to not pick up ever again. Sobriety rocks!

Still Waters

Who you really want to be is a drinker? And you resent that your wife drinks?

Bernadette

Hi rightonac

You have a 4 year old daughter?

My father was an active alcoholic for the first 15 years of my life (22, 20, 18, and 9 years for my other sibs).

It really sucked for all of us. It did lasting damage to all of us. All 3 of my bros are alcoholics in varying stages of the disease from one earnestly attempting recovery to one teetotaler addicted to pot, to my youngest who is a mess.

My sister is a depressed and baffled codie and so was I until I got my a** into Alanon and therapy & got serious about changing my life.

It was a living hell having an alcoholic father - I adored my dad, and he never got a DUI or lost his job or anything like that - from the outside ours was a typical family and my mother invested 100% of her energy in pretending that everything was OK. This led to some pretty warped crap going down in my childhood.

I wish someone, any adult, had been straight with me and told me:
It's alcoholism.
It's not your fault.
You can't do anything to get your dad to stop drinking or your mom to stop raging and controlling and pretending.

I have memories as far back as first grade (so like 6 or 7 yrs old) of stuff being really wrong in our family...I was very very aware of alcohol and the smell of it and the effect of it on my father and my family. I knew what a binge was before I even knew the word existed.

When my father finally found AA and sobriety it was a great thing. He became such an enlightened and changed and marvelous person. He became fully conscious & responsible for all the pain he had caused and he made serious amends to me, and all my sibs. I could discuss his alcoholism and the subject of alcoholism freely with him. Finally in sobriety he had the guts to get real with me.

But those years really ruined some of my mom's very best qualities and she is still a codie and an enabler to this day. And two of my brothers have followed my dad's pattern almost exactly...very sad, they idealized him and his drinking.

Anyway- I feel really bad for your daughter.
Let her know she didn't Cause it.
Can't Control it
Can't Cure it.

If you're going to continue drinking don't go to her weeping and apologetic as she gets older, telling her you know you shouldn't be drinking so much, that you're sorry, that you love her more than anything, etc.

Cuz until you ACTUALLY change in REALITY it is just too painful for a little girl to bear hearing her Dad lie to her. Too too too painful. Trust me on that one.

It's really extreme to be a little girl getting her hopes up and heart broken over and over by the first and most important man in her life. Kinda sets a gal up for some bad choices in relationships when that is the relationship dynamic she learns as a wee one.

peace -- good luck -- The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
B.

rightonac

Thanks Pelican.
Thanks Bernadette.

Thank you Still Waters. I think my instinct for adding the quotations was to indicate that: I don't....but the "alcoholic" does. I have to understand the distinction.

GiveLove

What is your program, rightonac? What are you doing to help yourself stay sober? AA? Counseling?

TakingCharge999

Hi rightonac,

Welcome to SR, thanks for trusting us.

Have you gone to an alcoholic's funeral? It is not like any other funeral - where most of people agree on the great life the deceased person lived, and how much he or she cared about them.

In a normal funeral, people agree there were mistakes, but for the most part is a celebration of a life well lived and affection comes from family, friends and even strangers, or otherwise peripheral people, come to pay respects. And there is a sense of peace and finality. And the person is still alive in the hearts and good memories of every attendant...

In an alcoholic's funeral, the closest people usually do not even show up. And its not because they were not informed. They are in their homes trying to forget the alcoholic. Or giving thanks that God, in all His Mercy finally gave THEM peace.

People that have come a long way in recovery may show up, MAY remember a few of the good traits, but for the most part... its a relief the person is dead. And the family thinks "at least we will stop worrying and picking up the pieces". And friends are actually more relaxed as the ordeal and alcoholic's suffering ended, because there was a point where EVERYBODY agreed death offered more mercy than the hell the alcoholic created for himself and everybody he or she was supposed to care about the most. It IS hell.

My stepmother did not even knew when her dad died - only when a lawyer contacted her about a home he had left. His wife? in an insanity ward. My stepmother is angry she did not protected her from his dad - and to this day she does not know how she is doing. If she is OK, if she is suffering, if she is dead - my stepmother goes about her life as if she did not exist. That is how addiction ends like.

I think it all comes down as how you want to be remembered (or if you want to be remembered at all).

Please remember your wife can and will drink any amount any time she wishes. How much she drinks, or how often should not be used as a distraction for the way YOU drink.

Your daughter did not ask to be on this planet, yet you brought here just to abandon her. I agree this cloudy vision can only seem logical if you are diseased enough to prefer a drink over than your daughter.

If you keep on this track, she will be able to cope, she will be able to forgive you (after therapy and much grief, perhaps at 60 years old?), she may just forget you existed at all OR.. she can turn to alcohol just like yourself... is any of these options what you would want for your daughter?

You have an important role to fulfill and a life is dependent on you, yet you are walking away.

Ultimately you will do what you want, but I wanted to remind you you are given the option to become healthier, and the disease is treatable. You are not doomed, you have options any given day, any given second.

I hope God/HP gives you courage to change.
Sandra

PS. I agree with Bernadette. If you are going to drink, apologize, say it won't happen again, then start drinking again - better if you leave the house and leave your daughter alone. No one deserves to be lied to in that way. It is horrible, and I am almost 30, so I can just imagine how painful that would be for a child.

If you are going to embody destruction, please be humane and at least take your shadow away from an innocent girl.

LucyA

Hi rightonac, welcome, you obviously think you have a problem or you wouldn't have been trawling the net and found us.

No matter what anyone says, about the effects of your drinking on you your wife or your child, theres only one person who can decide it's a problem enough to be dealt with and that is you. No one else can make you do anything about it, just you. We're not that powerful, we have no control over what you do or dont do, only you have that.
What we'd like, or what I'd like (I only speak for myself) is for you to chose the right path for you, if that's sobriety then great, I'm sure you will benefit from that, health wise, family wise and any other wise. If sobriety isn't the path for you then thats ok to,it's your choice, but remember other people have choices too and they may not choose to stick around you. My nephew chose not to live with his dad when he didn't choose sobriety, he was only 11 at the time, 7 years older than your daughter. He visits his Dads memorial now instead of visiting his dad.

Romey4

thats a really intereseting point of view Lucy! Drink if you want to drink, but know that your drinking problem directly impacts those around you. Don't be surprised when the ones you love run in order to keep their sanity. Remember that the old excuse "Im not hurting anyone" couldn't be farther from the truth.

TakingCharge999

That excuse is one of the most frustrating one for family and friends of AHs. At least the AH in my life could see me crying my heart out as a direct result of his drinking, yet he would say later he was just hurting himself.

MeHandle

HI,

I am not going to beat you up and i am glad to see you here. However i will get to a questioning and confrontation part .:-) I want to encourage you as it is obvious you have not progressed beyond such a point as your post still has the 'ability of reason' and an exceptance of being 'wrong.' You care enough to be honest and put yourself out here because you care about not only you but what effects it might have on your family. This is "reasonable" for a father and husband. Would you be willing to show this post to your wife so see knows how far you have "progressed" in your thinking about alcohol or would you be afraid of this for some reason ?( Not assuming, really asking, not a rhetorical question)

My first encouragement: thanks for asking us here what we think. And it is a great idea to read what the partners go through and the damage that results. You're on a right track with that as conviction makes for a good thing and prepares you when you need to make an amends. It can shake the foundation of your present perspective into reality if you allow reason to guide you. It is better to receive help now , then it is at your "bottom." From the stries you will see what often happens when you wait for the bottom. As i have read of the AA threads, ¥ou can pick your bottom. You don't have to wait until the pit of despair. The climb is harder and longer when you wait to fall into the pit. But wait, you may not be relating to any of this....yet.... so keep reading......



It will also show you this when you read our stories: Yours isn't much different. Just a guess: You most likely will fall into the abandoning husband and father type , as you will isolate away from your family in order to drink and hide it.

If you haven't come to the point of "become unmanageable" or "restore to sanity" then you shouldn't have any problem stopping, correct? You see the road ahead and you have made a choice, right? You quit and you had no struggle to binge again because it was manageble for you all by yourself, correct? ( 3 months worth) You know it will come to a point of being unmanageable and insane if ¥ou don't keep mqwnqging as ¥ou have been, right? You know the problem if you keep the same mind set, but you have changed it, right? So you are sane on this issue and managing it, right? <--- See the problem?

Hmmm.... is binge drinking a form of sane drinking behavior? Please explain to me how that is? Everything i know about binge drinking shows a pattern of insane behavior. The risks can bare results at a higher level in a shorter amount of time. Yøu may make it as far down the line of progression as the daily drinker if you don't die of alcohol posioning during "the" binge of a sane drinker like you.

Now that you have read the partners and/or family members I would advice you post on the AA threads and ask for help in finding a good sponsor.:-) Not that i wouldn't love to chat but i think they will be of the most help too you. One of my favorites is jimhere http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...s/jimhere.html

My husband did more binging related drinking when he was younger. But then da wife catches on and youth is no longer an excuse for his "partying" all weekend, so he started to hide and instead of drinking more, he started drinking harder alcohol.

However you sound like a true binger, so that progresses into longer binges , not less. And you probably are already drinking the hard stuff, right?

I truly hope this helps.

love a soon to be divorced wife-22 years married- 4 kids,
tammy

Mark75

I am the AH, married to an awesome non alcoholic for 25 years. She's my best friend, lover, spouse, working partner....4 Kids, house, car, and by the grace of God, a career. An intervention in the workplace brought me to sobriety, a rather cataclysmic intervention, especially since I work with my wife. If I want a career, the one I've had for 30 years, I will get recovered. I am 9 months clean and sober...

Yea, I enjoyed drinking. Daily drinker, lots of binges. Your quote sort of scares me, because I sort of get it... My wife has a glass of wine every evening... and, yea, I used to enjoy having my fourth or fifth (sixth or seventh) with her. And she with me, unless I was slurring and stinking of alcohol, then she wanted to be alone....

You have virtually no willingness evident in your post, really... not trying to be mean, but just honest. Willingness to not drink is only a first small step in your journey of recovery, if you want to take it. Willingness to change who you are, Willingness to be happy joyous and free without drinking. Willingness to have your wife's enjoyment of an alcoholic beverage have absolutely no impact on your own sobriety, for it to be a non issue. Willingness to work a program of recovery that will involve humility, spirituality and the loss of being the center of your own universe...

"Who you really are..." A future divorcee? A future DUI convict, or worse? Who?

A non alcoholic wouldn't think that way... You should reread what I just quoted from your post... Bottle, wife and daughter, bottle, wife and daughter, hmmmm which will it be??? If I start thinking that way, and I don't, not anymore... I know something is very wrong in my recovery program... Because, really, I mean, well..... What if the choice is taken away, would you still think that way?

Hope I wasn't too strident and in your face. I came to this section a lot after I was out of rehab... I was further along than you, 2 months at the time.... But my world almost came crashing down, it didn't, thank God... But how to work through things with my wife??? Lots of good people here, they helped me a lot.

My wife and I still have a ways to go, but we will survive. She is worth more than anything to me, except my sobriety. Certainly more than a weekend binge.

Post over in the 12 step support group also, lots of great recovery... Start yours....

Mark

rightonac

Thank you all for the replies and discussion. I feel much better having read them.

Cubile75:
I appreciate your post very much. I appreciate your stridence. Thank you for the effort. I agree my post demonstrates a lack of willingness. The post was an attempt to articulate my stumbling block, hoping to gain ammunition to flatten it; so I feel I have at least found the willingness to do that. I also believe I have found many of the other willingnesses you describe.

I recognize that “a nonalcoholic wouldn’t think that way.” There is a thread describing “the excuses alcoholics make.” I recognize the excuses. I am trying to recover; trying to identify and replace the traces of insane thinking with which I am infected.

And I hope this post is not coming across as defensive, because I truly recognize that I have work to do and humility to accept. I had almost 3 months of feeling very comfortable with my course of sobriety, and believing that I was drastically improving my life. Obviously, all the necessary parts were not in place, and that is my fault. I believe I am willing to identify and put in place more parts. I want to recognize wrong thinking and get beyond it.


Again, thank you all for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and stories.

TakingCharge999

Hello rightonac!

I wanted to apologize if my post above sounded too harsh. IT is very thin ice you are skating on, and I always get angry when children are involved. I am sorry.

I am glad you keep posting. And I wish you luck in your soul searching. Looking at oneself is tough, and we think as we do it, everybody else does.

But no. Its just us! It takes someone special to actually take a hard good look to the mirror. Most of the people are out there looking for escapes.

I am glad you are waking up to your reality and taking steps towards sanity, NOW when you still have so much to look forward to.

Mark75

Rightonac... Thanx for posting your follow up. Believe me, your post will resonate with many here...

Alcoholics can choose their bottom. Since...

It can be harder for those of us who haven't lost everything, or for some fortunate people, who've hardly lost anything, to work a program of recovery. Like TakingCharge999 said above...True recovery is hard. The program (I use AA) is basically simple, but it requires a sustained effort. One that I am working hard on everyday and I am still not where I want to be, I am definitely not always "happy, joyous and free", but I'm working on it, one day at a time....

If you are so inclined... come over to the Newcomers or Alcoholism section and really introduce yourself, like you did here... I can think offhand with no effort at all, really, of at least 2-3 guys with very similar stories, and that have had some real success so far.

I am pullin' for you... I know, it ain't easy.

Mark

Fubarcdn

My story is similar to yours and Cubile suggested I may have something that may be of use to you so here goes.
I basically quit drinking about 6 months ago when my wife gave me an ultimatum to quit or get out.
Like you I think my family is more important so I just quit.
I was also a binge drinker and responded pretty much the same way as you have in quitting for a while until things blew over and then slowly test the waters to see what I could get away with. This was my method of operation for some 20 years. My kids are now grown and this time I feel she is serious so I quit.
I know that you feel some resentment towards her and that is why you slipped but believe me she is not trying to control you but she just wants what is best for YOU and your family. She is acting out of love.
I had to apologize to my grown children for some of the things I said and did and some of the missed time with them during my drinking career and this is one of the biggest regrets I have. Your child is only 4 so do what you know is the right thing and quit now so you won't have to endure the same regret.
You went three months and life was good so you know it isn't that difficult to not drink.
If you take anything from my post it is that your wife is doing this out of love for you, herself and your family and not to be mean and to spoil your fun or to control you. She wants you to be able to be in control of yourself and not to be controlled by your drinking and for that you should love her and thank her.
I am doing the quitting thing on my own but if that doesn't work I will do whatever is necessary to succeed.
Good luck and be kind to your family.

rightonac

Thank you very much Cubile75 and Fubarcdn, your words have been moving and heartening. I will look for you in other sections of the forum.

jehnifer

maybe i missed it in one of the earlier posts and if so forgive me... but rightonac have you looked into AA meetings? I am trying to imagine what you did in those 3 months of of abstinence. Would you be willing to go to AA and just listen? thanks.

PS Its what I recommend to you. strongly. suggestion only.