well, you were right...he attacked me again
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Naive, sorry for what you are going through. There is a book called Getting them Sober and a website gettingthemsober.com I am not pointing this out because that's what I want you to do for him. Its full of info on what alcohol does to the brain, the central nervous system, the thinking patterns. The newsletter this month is particularly on spot for your situation.
So maybe getting him off the sauce for 6 months might actually HELP him.
Also, you are still imprisoned by him....locking yourself up from a life and not having the freedom to go where you want when you want means YOU are in prison...not him, he should be, but he's not. Why are you willing to sacrifice your live that way for this man?
My final question.....what about the next woman? If he ends up mangling or killing HER, would you feel that maybe you should have done something to save the next victim?
Evil flourishes when good men (women) do NOTHING.
So maybe getting him off the sauce for 6 months might actually HELP him.
Also, you are still imprisoned by him....locking yourself up from a life and not having the freedom to go where you want when you want means YOU are in prison...not him, he should be, but he's not. Why are you willing to sacrifice your live that way for this man?
My final question.....what about the next woman? If he ends up mangling or killing HER, would you feel that maybe you should have done something to save the next victim?
Evil flourishes when good men (women) do NOTHING.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by naive 
it must be a misnunderstanding, tallulah. of course he's been violent! perhaps i said that he hadn't hurt me yet? i've been thrown about before but this hurt arm is my first actual injury.
i do want a change, tallulah! i researched. i went to america. i moved out of my home. i changed my phone number. i went to the doctor's to request a therapist. i'm here everyday. there is no contact from my end.
i'm just not willing (at this time) to put him in jail. if things continue to escalate, i will be left with no choice but to do so. i'm hoping that things will calm down. it's a risk, i understand that.
i do want a change, tallulah! i researched. i went to america. i moved out of my home. i changed my phone number. i went to the doctor's to request a therapist. i'm here everyday. there is no contact from my end.
i'm just not willing (at this time) to put him in jail. if things continue to escalate, i will be left with no choice but to do so. i'm hoping that things will calm down. it's a risk, i understand that.
You did these things and yet nothing changes. I had to come to accept that I had to change things... and from within, because until things changed deep in the core of me I could continue to sabotage myself.. and that is an inside job.
I am in no way condoning or accepting what he did.. there is no excuse for him laying a hand on you none whatsoever.. but look at this way.. you did all that and still he contacts you and sometimes you respond and last night you were in the heart of his territory.. at his brother's home. That is not to say as an adult you can't be where you want to be and talk to whomsoever you wish.. but take yourself out of the situation for a moment and imagine you were a friend or a colleague... what would you say. Would it be similar things to what people are saying here?
The honesty of this situation is.. as you said he never hurt you before.. you got hurt last night. What next...
I know that you will be done when you are done. You are not done yet.. I'm not getting on your back for that or judging you.. but.. I and I imagine anyone else who cares enough to post are still going to be here, calmly posting the truth of the situation, ESH, advice, even if you get defensive or frustrated until you are.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Originally Posted by naive
i don't feel scared. i know i am precious. i know i am beautiful inside and out. none of this makes me feel worthless. i'm not scared to be alone. i came to this country alone. i would be thrilled if he just ignored me for the rest of my life.
Naive I really feel for you I really do. Been there done that type of thing. You SHOULD be scared. He tracked you down and assualted you. THAT IS SCARY. To me he is a very dangerous man.
I really hope that you read what you said about YOURSELF and take it to heart. Its been my experience that when I started to feel good about myself I no longer cared what my abuser thought or did or if he was "safe". So really examine those things you said. Not trying to be harsh here but if you really feel that way then you wouldnt been putting yourself in a position to be abused.
there is part of me that wants to still "keep him safe".
Naive I really feel for you I really do. Been there done that type of thing. You SHOULD be scared. He tracked you down and assualted you. THAT IS SCARY. To me he is a very dangerous man.
I really hope that you read what you said about YOURSELF and take it to heart. Its been my experience that when I started to feel good about myself I no longer cared what my abuser thought or did or if he was "safe". So really examine those things you said. Not trying to be harsh here but if you really feel that way then you wouldnt been putting yourself in a position to be abused.
there is part of me that wants to still "keep him safe".
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by naive
i suppose i am still trying to control the situation. really, i am just trying to get clear of him
so, it's three days later and i still cannot lift my arm at all. i cannot do simple things like put my hair up in a rubberband or hang out my washing or put on a coat without flinching.
xABF still will not leave me alone. he says he loves me, he's sorry, he realizes that it was wrong, blah blah blah, quack quack quack. he says he did it because he felt i was drunk and going to have sex. this is so not my style and i have never engaged in casual sex in my life. plus, i don't even get drunk. plus, i wasn't even drinking. etc. etc.
he says that he will quit drinking and go to counseling. i said, great, i hope you do. he said he can only go if i go with him. i explained to him that he must go for himself, not to please me, otherwise he will probably fail.
at this stage, i just want to get on with my life and for him to leave me alone.
naive
so, it's three days later and i still cannot lift my arm at all. i cannot do simple things like put my hair up in a rubberband or hang out my washing or put on a coat without flinching.
xABF still will not leave me alone. he says he loves me, he's sorry, he realizes that it was wrong, blah blah blah, quack quack quack. he says he did it because he felt i was drunk and going to have sex. this is so not my style and i have never engaged in casual sex in my life. plus, i don't even get drunk. plus, i wasn't even drinking. etc. etc.
he says that he will quit drinking and go to counseling. i said, great, i hope you do. he said he can only go if i go with him. i explained to him that he must go for himself, not to please me, otherwise he will probably fail.
at this stage, i just want to get on with my life and for him to leave me alone.
naive
Why are you in contact with him?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Naive --
I hope your arm heals 100% from this serious injury.
I hear you making a lot of excuses -
I do love myself.
I went to America.
I moved apartments.
I don't want to be the one putting him in jail.
Etc, etc.
What I understand you're saying with all that is: Oh well. I've done everything I could but still this guy tries to control me. I just wish he would leave me alone! But instead he came over and beat me up, even though I have done all I can to get away from him. There just seems to be nothing I can do.
It just cannot be true.
What I see from an objective standpoint is:
You aren't doing whatever it takes to protect yourself.
From the simplest thing: report him to the police, he broke the law...
to the harder changes like: why are you maintaining contact w/ his bro and people he hangs out with where you KNOW you will end up in contact w/ him?
Why don't you move, get as far away from this person who wants to kill you as you can?
From all your excuses I get the feeling that living free from fear isn't worth the HARD changes and choices you will have to make to secure a new life. Your choice!
You still have many many choices and chances to ACTUALLY protect yourself in REALITY. In REALITY you haven't done enough yet to free yourself from this guy. Hoping HE'LL get help and stop boozing etc is not a plan and it has NOTHING to do with YOU!!!! Also there are plenty of non-drinking batterers - being an alcoholic is not equivalent w/ being a batterer - separate issues.
Does it suck that you have to work so hard to be free?
Does it suck that you probably need to move and start a new life?
Is it hard to be mature enough to press charges against a criminal who you once thought loved you and who still may have 1 or 2 decent qualities?
Does it suck to believe that if this one person would just knock it off or fall off the face of the earth or simply leave me alone my life would be great?
Yes,yes,yes, and yes.
But it's that hand you've been dealt,
How are you gonna play it?
Remember hope is not a plan.
And maybe there are other seaside villages in England where true friends are waiting to be met...but you'll never find out unless you try!!!
peace & good luck & strength!!!!!
b
I hope your arm heals 100% from this serious injury.
I hear you making a lot of excuses -
I do love myself.
I went to America.
I moved apartments.
I don't want to be the one putting him in jail.
Etc, etc.
What I understand you're saying with all that is: Oh well. I've done everything I could but still this guy tries to control me. I just wish he would leave me alone! But instead he came over and beat me up, even though I have done all I can to get away from him. There just seems to be nothing I can do.
It just cannot be true.
What I see from an objective standpoint is:
You aren't doing whatever it takes to protect yourself.
From the simplest thing: report him to the police, he broke the law...
to the harder changes like: why are you maintaining contact w/ his bro and people he hangs out with where you KNOW you will end up in contact w/ him?
Why don't you move, get as far away from this person who wants to kill you as you can?
From all your excuses I get the feeling that living free from fear isn't worth the HARD changes and choices you will have to make to secure a new life. Your choice!
You still have many many choices and chances to ACTUALLY protect yourself in REALITY. In REALITY you haven't done enough yet to free yourself from this guy. Hoping HE'LL get help and stop boozing etc is not a plan and it has NOTHING to do with YOU!!!! Also there are plenty of non-drinking batterers - being an alcoholic is not equivalent w/ being a batterer - separate issues.
Does it suck that you have to work so hard to be free?
Does it suck that you probably need to move and start a new life?
Is it hard to be mature enough to press charges against a criminal who you once thought loved you and who still may have 1 or 2 decent qualities?
Does it suck to believe that if this one person would just knock it off or fall off the face of the earth or simply leave me alone my life would be great?
Yes,yes,yes, and yes.
But it's that hand you've been dealt,
How are you gonna play it?
Remember hope is not a plan.
And maybe there are other seaside villages in England where true friends are waiting to be met...but you'll never find out unless you try!!!
peace & good luck & strength!!!!!
b
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
i just feel sad for him. he is the child of an alcoholic, the youngest in a family of 12 children. his previous relationships were with woman like him (i.e. liars, cheaters and drinkers). he assumes i will do something to hurt him, like they all did and is trying to prevent that. i feel no need for revenge but he is so used to it. it's all he knows.
I can relate to the emotions you have. I have a son who is an alcoholic and I know the cause of all his troubles. It makes me very, very sad. I also know that the progression of his alcoholism made it impossible for him to make choices to help himself. He was in a daily walking blackout and didn't even remember anything he did during that time.
I try to put all my emotions aside and logically think of what is going to help all involved in my son's life. My number one priority is protecting women and children no matter what it will do to my son, but I always try to juggle it so it will help him too.
If I were the mother of your xbf I would be begging you to put him in jail. I know that feeling sad for my son and letting him continue with his drinking and violent behavior will only kill him. Jail is my best friend. Jail has saved my son's life a few times. Jail is the one thing that has kept my son's behavior in check. Jail is the reason he is sober today. I am pretty sure he would be dead today if his girlfriends hadn't put him in jail. I jump at the chance to put my son in a hospital or jail when he is in a daily alcohol induced blackout. If I don't he is going to drink himself to death or harm someone else.
I remember posting something years ago and the reply to my post was that my choice would be easiest way to go, but it wouldn't be kind. Keeping your xbf out of jail right now might be the easiest choice for you, but it is not the kindest choice to make for you or your xbf. Continuing on the path you are on is risking your life and also risking your xbf's life. There are better options. Jail is the best option I can think of right now for both of you. I can say that from my own experience.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Bernadette is right on the money here Naive.
A plan you need a plan. Like Bernadette said hope is not a plan.
I remember making a plan to get away from my abuser. It was SOOOOO hard. I knew that I would have to provoke him enough to beat me so that I could call the cops and have him arrested. I knew that the beating would have to be severe enough to get him to STAY in jail so that I could escape.
I remember being so scared. I remember how hard it was to tell one of my coworkers what my plan was (in case it backfired and I ended up dead).
It was at that time that I really realized how much danger me and my kids were really in. Its scary now when I think back to it. People would tell me that I was in danger and that I should get out but I was scared. Scared to make the changes necessary for that to happen.
When a man abuses you it only gets worse. Just like addiction it progresses. My ex started out choking me. The worst was when he punched me in the head while I was holding my infant daughter. I ended up with stitches in my eyebrow.
This is no joke. You are in danger. Dont discount what has been said here. You really need to protect yourself. He can and will try to do this again and again and again until YOU SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
A plan you need a plan. Like Bernadette said hope is not a plan.
I remember making a plan to get away from my abuser. It was SOOOOO hard. I knew that I would have to provoke him enough to beat me so that I could call the cops and have him arrested. I knew that the beating would have to be severe enough to get him to STAY in jail so that I could escape.
I remember being so scared. I remember how hard it was to tell one of my coworkers what my plan was (in case it backfired and I ended up dead).
It was at that time that I really realized how much danger me and my kids were really in. Its scary now when I think back to it. People would tell me that I was in danger and that I should get out but I was scared. Scared to make the changes necessary for that to happen.
When a man abuses you it only gets worse. Just like addiction it progresses. My ex started out choking me. The worst was when he punched me in the head while I was holding my infant daughter. I ended up with stitches in my eyebrow.
This is no joke. You are in danger. Dont discount what has been said here. You really need to protect yourself. He can and will try to do this again and again and again until YOU SAY ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
naive,
I hope your arm heals soon.
The following 4 thoughts disturb me a great deal:
1 the possibility of logging in SR as usual and no longer seeing your posts.
2 the image of your Mom in America hanging up the phone in shock as UK police inform her you are no longer with us. Her impotence. Her crying endless nights in guilt believing you were safe and feeling she is the worst mom on Earth as you could not trust her when your life was at stake. The pain of a Mom losing her dear child - not because of illness or fate - in the hands of an ABUSER SHE HERSELF PROTECTED. The irony.
3 how you think you deserve all this and he can stalk you and intimidate you and push you and hurt you and YOU ARE NOT ANGRY. I do not believe you when you say you know you are precious. I have been trained to recognize quacking and my dear naive you are quacking yourself. Your actions (and lack of them) tell me you do not care at all what happens to you
4the fact I cannot do anything for you but keep you in my thoughts
naive... please wake up
I hope your arm heals soon.
The following 4 thoughts disturb me a great deal:
1 the possibility of logging in SR as usual and no longer seeing your posts.
2 the image of your Mom in America hanging up the phone in shock as UK police inform her you are no longer with us. Her impotence. Her crying endless nights in guilt believing you were safe and feeling she is the worst mom on Earth as you could not trust her when your life was at stake. The pain of a Mom losing her dear child - not because of illness or fate - in the hands of an ABUSER SHE HERSELF PROTECTED. The irony.
3 how you think you deserve all this and he can stalk you and intimidate you and push you and hurt you and YOU ARE NOT ANGRY. I do not believe you when you say you know you are precious. I have been trained to recognize quacking and my dear naive you are quacking yourself. Your actions (and lack of them) tell me you do not care at all what happens to you
4the fact I cannot do anything for you but keep you in my thoughts
naive... please wake up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi everyone-
well, you all appear to be in agreement, a fact i take seriously.
it's not stopping. i went to the grocery store and he was there, walking next to me. a friend shouted me up to a flat, he said he was going too. i asked him to leave me alone, he said no. finally, he left me alone. i went to a friend's house, when i came out, he was on the street.
i appreciate all the input. i'll read it again tomorrow. for now, i'm tired.
anvil, you made me laugh with the two hands over the head. you're right. i can't.
givelove, his life is just as important to me as my own. as yours is. or his childrens.
gee, i'm disgusted with this disease of alcoholism.
naive
well, you all appear to be in agreement, a fact i take seriously.
it's not stopping. i went to the grocery store and he was there, walking next to me. a friend shouted me up to a flat, he said he was going too. i asked him to leave me alone, he said no. finally, he left me alone. i went to a friend's house, when i came out, he was on the street.
i appreciate all the input. i'll read it again tomorrow. for now, i'm tired.
anvil, you made me laugh with the two hands over the head. you're right. i can't.
givelove, his life is just as important to me as my own. as yours is. or his childrens.
gee, i'm disgusted with this disease of alcoholism.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there cassandra, and pleased to "meet" you 
If I'm not being too prying, can I ask if that plan worked? Did you actually provoke him? Or did you find a sane way to protect yourself?
thanx
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
Originally Posted by cassandra2
... I knew that I would have to provoke him enough to beat me so that I could call the cops and have him arrested. I knew that the beating would have to be severe enough to get him to STAY in jail so that I could escape.....
thanx
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
If I'm not being too prying, can I ask if that plan worked? Did you actually provoke him? Or did you find a sane way to protect yourself?
thanx
Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery
I had been through years of this abuse. He wasnt the type of person you could give the "get out" speech to and he would get out. I knew the only way I would be rid of him for good was to do that.
He would be in jail. We would be safe. For good. I feel it was well worth the price of freedom.
I will add it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Sad as that is to say.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by cassandra2
The plan worked well (as well as it could in this situation). I did provoke him and he responded the way I knew he would. ...I will add it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. Sad as that is to say.
Considering the awful statistics for women in abusive situations, do you think it's a good idea for anybody else to "play russian roulette" the way you mentioned? Or would you recommend that women use the existing system of shelters, half way homes and domestic violence services that exist for their protection?
My experience matches the suggestions given at all DV centers. Use the DV centers and resources to get out alive, rather than take a gamble on surviving the next attack.
Mike
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I saw an interesting marquee out in front of a local church. It said:
The truth is still the truth even if it makes you mad.
I've been thinking about that a lot today. To me it speaks of acceptance.
"It is what it is" whether I like it or not.
The truth of the matter is that the person who does the abuse puts himself in jail by his actions. No one makes him go to jail. He goes to jail because he committed a crime. Where I live, the state files the charges against the abuser, not the victim. Once the police are involved, the victim is no longer part of the legal equation.
I spent some time in counseling for domestic violence. None of my friends knew, nor would they have believed it if they found out. I was very good at keeping the secret.
I hope you are able to find the help you need. I found help, and I am grateful for what I learned. There are days when i realize I'm lucky to be alive.
The truth is still the truth even if it makes you mad.
I've been thinking about that a lot today. To me it speaks of acceptance.
"It is what it is" whether I like it or not.
The truth of the matter is that the person who does the abuse puts himself in jail by his actions. No one makes him go to jail. He goes to jail because he committed a crime. Where I live, the state files the charges against the abuser, not the victim. Once the police are involved, the victim is no longer part of the legal equation.
I spent some time in counseling for domestic violence. None of my friends knew, nor would they have believed it if they found out. I was very good at keeping the secret.
I hope you are able to find the help you need. I found help, and I am grateful for what I learned. There are days when i realize I'm lucky to be alive.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I was just thinking, He may not even go to jail, but at least you would have it documented if you report it. Reporting the stalking would be helpful too. That way if anything ever happened to you the police would have a trail.
I like what Cat'sPJ said. It reminded me of when I was teaching and a student would tell me, You gave me a "bad grade" and I would reply, "No, you earned that grade".
(((()))) I know this isn't easy and we have to take these things one step at a time. You have done a great job by breaking things off with him. Remember to keep moving forward ((())))
I like what Cat'sPJ said. It reminded me of when I was teaching and a student would tell me, You gave me a "bad grade" and I would reply, "No, you earned that grade".
(((()))) I know this isn't easy and we have to take these things one step at a time. You have done a great job by breaking things off with him. Remember to keep moving forward ((())))
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
I am one week out from having given the "get out" speech--and he got out. No more broken doors, kicked in walls, or getting my arm slammed in the car door when I tried to keep him from driving completely drunk.
Yesterday morning came the first "I think I'm very close to killing myself" text message. I no longer leave my phone on because I don't want my heart to jump when I hear a message come in. I told my best friend and she said "Great. It's like he's left a rat on your doorstep for you to find in the morning. I'm sure he was drunk when he sent the text." Thirty six hours later another text "Are you OK?" with no apology or mention of his previous threat of suicide. Three hours ago a voice mail "I'm just calling to ask if you're OK," and I haven't replied to any of them.
Is there nothing I can say or do to encourage him to get out of denial and get into treatment? He spent the month of May drunk every day except one day. I walk the dog for ten miles and I keep telling myself "Stop trying to have a conversation with him in your head where you tell him he needs help. He doesn't think he needs help. There is nothing more you can do. Let it go . . "
I would try to tell his friends, but they all drink like mad, and do not think he has a problem either.
I need to be strong and not try to be his friend. I need to be strong and start living my own life, and to let him live his.
Yesterday morning came the first "I think I'm very close to killing myself" text message. I no longer leave my phone on because I don't want my heart to jump when I hear a message come in. I told my best friend and she said "Great. It's like he's left a rat on your doorstep for you to find in the morning. I'm sure he was drunk when he sent the text." Thirty six hours later another text "Are you OK?" with no apology or mention of his previous threat of suicide. Three hours ago a voice mail "I'm just calling to ask if you're OK," and I haven't replied to any of them.
Is there nothing I can say or do to encourage him to get out of denial and get into treatment? He spent the month of May drunk every day except one day. I walk the dog for ten miles and I keep telling myself "Stop trying to have a conversation with him in your head where you tell him he needs help. He doesn't think he needs help. There is nothing more you can do. Let it go . . "
I would try to tell his friends, but they all drink like mad, and do not think he has a problem either.
I need to be strong and not try to be his friend. I need to be strong and start living my own life, and to let him live his.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
naive, today I was ironing one shirt and remembered another comment you made before (yup I think about you during my chores), about "if you had to die because of him, so be it" and I wanted to tell you I got really sad and I am really hoping you let him face the law while you can continue healing
and I am really hoping you let him face the law while you can continue healing
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