Thank goodness for Alanon!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Thank goodness for Alanon!
Well, I went to my first Alanon meeting last night and I am really glad I went!!! I should have done this after my first marriage to my first A - maybe I wouldn't be where I am now.
It felt good to talk to others face to face that know and understand what I am going thru. To talk to them about how I need to fix myself and that I can't fix my A.
I came to a revelation yesterday. I finally realized that even during the periods of when he was sober, there wasn't anything I could have done that would have been right. He keeps telling me I didn't change - and he's right. But even if I did notice my codependent ways and sought to change, it still wouldn't have filled that void he is feeling and is the reason why he drinks.
I know he is searching for something to take away the pain and my guess is the pain is from his father dieing when he was 8 and his mother taking him into an abusive household with a horrible step father and then kicking him out when he was 15.
But I can't fix that and I can't take away that pain. I know the alcohol numbs it, which is why he drinks. But there is nothing I can do - no matter how hard I try.
So I am going to keep going back to Alanon and I am going to keep focusing on my own recovery. I know he won't like it. He will want me back the way I was when I hugged him all the time and said "that's ok" the next day when he drank too much the night before and was apologizing. But I can deal with that, because I won't let his words hurt me anymore. I know what I need to do and I am arming myself with the tools I need to do it.
For those that have not gone to an Alanon meeting - please do! They really can help give you the power and knowledge that you are not alone and you can recover from your codependent ways.
Hugs,
Kitkat
It felt good to talk to others face to face that know and understand what I am going thru. To talk to them about how I need to fix myself and that I can't fix my A.
I came to a revelation yesterday. I finally realized that even during the periods of when he was sober, there wasn't anything I could have done that would have been right. He keeps telling me I didn't change - and he's right. But even if I did notice my codependent ways and sought to change, it still wouldn't have filled that void he is feeling and is the reason why he drinks.
I know he is searching for something to take away the pain and my guess is the pain is from his father dieing when he was 8 and his mother taking him into an abusive household with a horrible step father and then kicking him out when he was 15.
But I can't fix that and I can't take away that pain. I know the alcohol numbs it, which is why he drinks. But there is nothing I can do - no matter how hard I try.
So I am going to keep going back to Alanon and I am going to keep focusing on my own recovery. I know he won't like it. He will want me back the way I was when I hugged him all the time and said "that's ok" the next day when he drank too much the night before and was apologizing. But I can deal with that, because I won't let his words hurt me anymore. I know what I need to do and I am arming myself with the tools I need to do it.
For those that have not gone to an Alanon meeting - please do! They really can help give you the power and knowledge that you are not alone and you can recover from your codependent ways.
Hugs,
Kitkat
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Kitkat,
It's so wonderful when we have our revelations and light bulb moments! Everything you said was 100% correct and you are on the right path. Keep focusing on yourself and your recovery.
Way to go!
Hugs,
JG
It's so wonderful when we have our revelations and light bulb moments! Everything you said was 100% correct and you are on the right path. Keep focusing on yourself and your recovery.
Way to go!
Hugs,
JG
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi kitkat,
This is wonderful news!
I remember MY awakening(s) in Alanon as well - they keep coming too, so watch out!
So happy for you, keep us updated,
:thumb
take care
Meg
This is wonderful news!
I remember MY awakening(s) in Alanon as well - they keep coming too, so watch out!
So happy for you, keep us updated,
:thumb
take care
Meg
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Kitkat,
Sorry I missed giving you the big thumbs up yesterday, but it is here now!!
Glad to hear that you enjoyed the meeting and that it was productive for you! It is always great to hear the good news.
Blessings, Constant
Sorry I missed giving you the big thumbs up yesterday, but it is here now!!
Glad to hear that you enjoyed the meeting and that it was productive for you! It is always great to hear the good news.
Blessings, Constant
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Thank you ml22!! You probably wouldn't have said this a week ago. I understand your husband just started drinking after many years of sobriety. My husband, too was sober for 8 years, although none of those years were with me. But I am understanding now that he never really recovered. He just found a way to live with the pain for a while until something happened where he felt he just couldn't take it anymore and turned to the booze.
He is under the impression now that he can control it by just drinking beer and periodically cutting down on how much he drinks, but it never lasts long. He hasn't come to understand that he is hurt and that he can get help to deal with that hurt. He thinks it's just his life and there is nothing he can do.
In finally understanding that I know there is nothing I can do either, I am learning to focus just on me. You can get there too. I know it's painful and there is a lot of hurt and resentment. Believe me - I was there just last week. But now I feel a kind of peace in my life and I'm moving forward. He can join me if he wants, but it's totally his decision.
Try to go to an Alanon meeting if you can and keep coming back here. I use this as part of my daily recovery to keep me focused. I've also ordered some books from the Alanon sight that I know will help me as well.
Like they say at the meetings - just keep coming back.
Hugs,
Kitkat
He is under the impression now that he can control it by just drinking beer and periodically cutting down on how much he drinks, but it never lasts long. He hasn't come to understand that he is hurt and that he can get help to deal with that hurt. He thinks it's just his life and there is nothing he can do.
In finally understanding that I know there is nothing I can do either, I am learning to focus just on me. You can get there too. I know it's painful and there is a lot of hurt and resentment. Believe me - I was there just last week. But now I feel a kind of peace in my life and I'm moving forward. He can join me if he wants, but it's totally his decision.
Try to go to an Alanon meeting if you can and keep coming back here. I use this as part of my daily recovery to keep me focused. I've also ordered some books from the Alanon sight that I know will help me as well.
Like they say at the meetings - just keep coming back.
Hugs,
Kitkat
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