ICant

AH has been sober now since early Jan - 5 months. The first 3 months were very difficult (I can see why AA make a big deal about the first 90 days) and I couldn't see a long term future. For various reasons I stuck it out. He has attended some AA meetings and is obviously doing some sort of self improvement work because these last 2 months, he is displaying maturity that I didn't think he was capable of. I am truly grateful for the program because my husband and I are treating each other with respect. I am shocked at how easy a marriage can be without alcohol present. I thought that every marriage required hard work.

I still go to Al-Anon which has been a life saver. A lot of my anxieties and fears were a part of me before my AH was ever in my life and with Steps 2 and 3 especially, they are melting away. My control issues are a work in progress. I have to reign that in but on the whole I am vastly improved.

I struggle with post traumatic stress. The marriage was verbally and emotionally abusive mostly but at a certain point degenerated into physical abuse. It is a mind spin because I have left an abusive marriage but I'm still waking up next to the same person. I cry every day processing the feelings and resentments I bottled up for years.

Early on in his recovery, my biggest fear was that he will go back to drinking but my HP has shown me that sometimes, something worse than the worst case scenario can happen and it isn't a tragedy. I will get through and it will be ok. However, I no longer wish to have a third child with him. I know in the future I could be a single mother. I don't fear it but I don't want to make my life harder.

It has been 4 years since it dawned on me that my husband was an alcoholic. 10 months since finding SR, 7 months since Al-Anon. There is no point to the post except to offer some hope to people whose partners have found recovery. Things I have learnt:
The only thing you can do is focus on your own recovery.
There are no right or wrong decisions. There are decisions and consequences that arise from them.
My attitude is the key to happiness.
My serenity (peace of mind) is worth more to me than my career, marriage, possessions.
I can't live with addiction.
My children were affected by the behaviour of BOTH parents. I wasn't the one 'keeping it all together'.

tallulah

Hi Icant. I'm glad to hear that you are working and getting benefit from your programme and that things are a little easier at home.

You may have some PTSD and that coupled still living with someone who was abusive has to be difficult. I'm not with the abuser anymore and I'm having therapy .. I couldn't imagine being able to work through that stuff and cope with the feelings without professional guidance... more so if I was still sharing my life with the abuser.

It is good that he is seeking help and is no longer abusing you... but what are you doing for ICant?

LaTeeDa

This is such a powerful statement. I had to quote it just to emphasize it.

I thought for years I was doing the right thing for my kids by staying, by picking up the pieces, by 'keeping it all together.' I was so wrong.

L

Chrysalis123

This has been true for me. I faced and lived through my worst fear. It wasn't easy, it wasn't pretty, and it was the hardest thing I ever did....but I didn't die. In fact, dare I say, I am beginning to thrive. I can now look back and say I am thankful for what happened.

Thank you for your post!

bluejay6

Thank you, ICan't (which now i think is short for "I can't live with addiction"?) Me either.

I'm so sorry for your PTSD and your tears every day. I'm so sorry he hurt you so much, body and soul. I worry for you. You have so much healing to do. I echo the above: have you found a counselor? I, too, could not get well without one.

God, addiction is ravaging, isn't it?

ICant

Yes the ICant was not about I can't leave but more to do with I can't live as I had been living. The physical abuse was what got me into counselling all those years ago. The emotional abuse continued because he was still drinking up until January this year. I agree that I need to debrief with a professional. I'm not upset about the crying (it isn't non stop) because I think I need to feel sad after being numb for so long.
Thank you to all.