Rainbowsend

The Gift of Fear is worth reading, it deals with stalking and harassment.

I was exactly where you are now 12 months ago but with the addition of two children that I needed to protect. He'd be waiting when I got off the train, waiting on my doorstep drunk if I got home late. I had threats to kill amongst others. The only thing that worked was no contact, if I spoke to him things only escalated with him redoubling his efforts to establish a dialogue. It takes a whole lot of patience though, his arrest did make him more wary, no more turning up just email messages and calls to my landline after that. I changed my mobile number but not my landline (just pulled the plug on it for 3 months)

I too live in a small community but it played to my advantage, the police would telephone to see if I was ok and look in on me if they were passing in the evening. I can't speak for other woman living where you do but domestic violence is a complicated issue. The police were very supportive to me as they knew I was serious about what was going on. I made it quite clear that if I needed to go to court and give evidence I would if that's what it took to get him off my back.

The other thing I would say is you are potentialy far safer if you bump into him when out with others. My ex was less likely to be violent if there were witnesses but it would appear from previous posts that your A doesn't necerssarily have this boundary (better for you in court if you have witnesses to his behaviour though)

It's been a long road but think it's now been two months since he has made any attempt to reach me by phone but not 100% sure as I no longer bother picking up my messages as I'm contactable other ways if people are desperate.

naive

takingcharge-

yes, the thought that if i take a new man, that xABF will hunt that guy down certainly has crossed my mind. i don't plan on doing that. i plan on working on my own recovery for a period of time.

if he finally comes and kills me, then so be it. i'm not going to live my life in fear and intimdation.

and yes, it is me with the mum in usa. i have not told her about the physical assault because i don't want to upset her. she knows he is a volatile drunk and has supported my decision in getting my own place.

no contact is proving somewhat impossible in this small town.

we'll see how things unfold. if something else happens, then i might have to take some other action. for now, i'm going to wait it out and get on with healing myself. there are no children involved and my decisions don't ripple down to impact anyone else except myself. i am really glad that i never had children with my xABF! at leat that was one good decision and a deliberate one.

naive

naive

rainbowsend-

your situation sounds quite similar. yes, he is pretty much waiting for me when i go places now. i don't know how long that will last for. the police here have been very accomodating to me also. it's me that's not cooperating fully really.

i'm glad that you are out of the woods now, rainbowsend. i hear you when you say that the only thing that worked was no contact. there is no contact from my end of things, but he keeps insisting on meeting up with me on the street. it's still all quite new, us not being together and i hope this will all blow over once he gets used to the idea.

naive

Rainbowsend

Another thing I did that might be worth considering is that I told my neighbours what was going on so they would call the police if there was any disturbance

TakingCharge999

Hello naive!

Just sending good wishes. I really hope all this turns out as you expect.

(((not-so-naive-now)))

Live

I am scared of this man......I was with a similar version of him.
A restraining order was a red flag challenge.

I wound up moving in a bad-a$$ friend as a bodyguard for 4 months!
And that still didn't stop him from harassing...but he couldn't go further than that or he would have.....cause I went nowhere without my bodyguard and had security escorts at work (and would still discover he had rifled thro' my car and would arrange to drive by and honk and wave as I was pulling into the drive at work)

We put up motion detector lights to cover all approaches to my home.

We booby trapped the yard with crushed aluminum cans covered by leaves to make noise to alert us.

He still managed to sneak up outside and stand right behind where I was sitting on the couch....listened for awhile and threw a punch aimed directly at my head. (mobile home)

I still miss home....where my daughter and grandsons are and my little place right on a lovely lake.....but I was never safe and he was never going to tire of messing with me.

I moved 1000 miles away.

I can't tell you what to do.....but odds are pretty strong that he is not going to just stop this crap......
and they can do their dirty work and be gone long before the police get there...even a block away...I know that from experience too.

Do you have someone you can stay with for awhile?????
Or someone scary enough to stay with you??????

I would still get the restraining order, even knowing what I know.

There is no such thing as being too careful at a time like this.

naive

hi rainbowsend-

alerted my new downstairs neighbor to the situation.

ta.

naive

naive

hi liveweyard-

thanks for sharing your story. i do put on the outside light to my new flat, as a precaution. so sorry you went thru all that...

naive