tallulah

It has been 12 weeks since I left (you could add another 4/5 weeks to that as 'technical' break up time but I suppose essentially 12 weeks is how long we have been broken up).

I have met a lovely man. He knows about the situation that led to me leaving the ex (I met him at the Hospital). He is very slow and gentle with me, very sweet and open and not at all pushy. I think he wants to embark on a relationship with me.

Then there is another guy. This guy I already knew but was not allowed to have any contact with (the A and his insecurity). He likes me in a 'romantic' sense. I know this because he said so when I met him in 2006 and it doesn't seem to have changed. I liked him back when I met him.. which was around the early months of my relationship with the A. But nothing came of it nor would have because I was with and I 'chose' the A.. (oh for a time machine).

And then there is another guy. He thinks I'm beautiful (or at least that is what he said lol), he's funny, sweet and kind. He doesn't know what happened but again he isn't pushy.

So what is keeping me from just allowing someone in... just opening my drawbridge a crack. Well I'm thinking I'm ready to start dating but there is a gnawing fear of out of the frying pan into the fire. None of them have addictions and they all appear pretty healthy emotionally but I'm scared my picker is damaged and I don't want to go through anymore of the same. I talked to my therapist about it yesterday and of course she gave me no answers.. but she did say that there was no way of knowing, in the early days with my ex, just what was hooks and what was real. I suppose in a round about way she's saying my picker may not have been damaged per se but my red flag o'meter wasn't honed.

So here I am wondering if I'm ever going to be able to be with someone again. I'm not scared of being alone but I would like to share my life. And then I'm thinking, what if Mr Right happens in my life and I'm too blinkered by what happened with the A to even notice.

Uggghhhhh.. I'm a mess. Any ESH would be so gratefully received.

suki44883

I can so understand what you are feeling. If you feel you are ready to be social again, might I suggest that you see each of them casually for dinners or movies and just see what develops. After some time, you should have a better perspective as to which (if any) of them you feel comfortable pursuing a more in serious relationship. Sounds like you're taking things slowly, which is a good thing.

laurie6781

You may not be ready YET.

When I divorced my 2nd husband, a sober A who decided to switch addictions to gambling, my AA sponsor and my Al-Anon sponsor both STRONGLY SUGGESTED that I take a year, yeah a whole year to live alone with me, to be in a relationship only with me, to work on me. Well for me that one year turned into almost 3 years, but it was so WORTH IT!!!!

I was able to do a lot of growing and changing and slowly not only did my 'picker' get much better, lol but my red flag meter too.

Oh it was nice right after the divorce to meet some what I though were pretty nice fellows who complimented me, who treated me nice, who seemed to be fun loving, etc .................................... but it turned out that was not what I really needed. Oh it made me feel good momentarily, but there was still so much work for me to do on me, to figure out how the 'superficial' of these fellows could 'blind' me to the real them.

So I took my sponsors' advice, reluctantly at first, but found that it worked real well for me.

You just might need some more time yet to work on you. Maybe that was what your therapist was helping you to see.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

tallulah

Thanks Suki. That's as much as I give at the moment. I'm not ready for an exclusive loved up thing just yet.. but I'm open to the possibility if that makes sense. I was chatting with a friend of mine recently who was asking about my progress in general and talk turned to the first guy.. she said, why not throw yourself in and date him. My answer to that is that I really don't have the inclination right now to 'connect' with someone on anything deeper than a 'you're fun, lets have fun' level.

I suppose my biggest fear is the fear.. fear that I'm going to have love pass me by because of my experience with the A.. and fear that because of that experience I'm doomed to be screwed up in my next relationship. I think there is also an element of he has caused damage and I'll be damned if him being in my life is going to ruin the rest of it.

nowwhat

Why not spend time with people who treat you well? If you are honest with them and keep it casual, it could be a really nice part of the healing process.

I'm waaaaay not there yet, but I don't intend to stay in some kind of emotional limbo forever. Staying conscious of who you are, what is important to you, and listening to your gut can only help you become a more emotionally available woman--when the right guy comes along. The book I'm reading is really helpful, I'll link you to the website:

Getting Past Your Past

One of the things the author talks about is that by setting boundaries, putting yourself first, and paying attention to any discomfort actually makes you more emotionally available and leads to real love and commitment. I found the part about setting boundaries really interesting. Basically she says that when you KNOW you will be okay whatever the outcome, and when you KNOW you will protect yourself, it actually makes you the kind of person that can engage on a healthy and truly intimate level.

Let us know what you decide to do! You sound so good these days. Whatever it is you are doing, keep it up!

tallulah

Thanks Laurie.

It is funny but before I met the A I had about a year of singledom. The first sustained singledom period in my whole life. A conscious choice on my part... I'd ended a relationship with a guy who had started to be controlling and 'difficult' and I wanted to take time from that whole relationship thing and work on me.. get to know me and what I wanted from life, love everything. I think I was in a place where I accepted that I wanted (finally) to settle down and I didn't want to just settle... if that makes any sense.

During that time I dated guys and while it was nice to be wooed my little voice was heard and acted on. I remember one guy in particular who was ticking boxes but something just didn't feel right.. little voice saying he is not the one for me.. so I ended it.. we'd had a few dates but it hadn't gotten serious. Turned out it was a wise move.

Makes the last 2+years seem quite odd really considering I was in a very secure and centred place.. listening to my little voice and unafraid to act on it. I met the A.. told him upfront where I was in my life.. and he said he was in the same place. Of course he wasn't...

I hear you on the year thing.. although I'm a little cynical about it because been there, done that and picked up the A after it. But how that happened is being worked on and I know that it was not my fault.. it doesn't mean I was screwed up because I fell in love with a charming, manipulative screw up.

I do need more time.. I can't rush this. I have the caution, the observing, the listening to my little voice, the knowledge of alcoholism and DV, the boundary setting and enforcing.. I'm concious of them and work them every day.. more importantly I'm listening to myself. What I'm lacking is the courage to be me again. I miss that loving woman.. I want her back.

tallulah

Thanks nowwhat.. you're right.. time with people who treat me well, that is what I need.

When all of the stuff that lead the A to be out of my life happened I truly thought well that's it.. this is too difficult to come back from. And yeah, it's difficult, but I'm a stubborn devil and while all is not perfect in my world I'm trucking along and there are some real positives. Physically I'm healing.. emotionally I'm healing.. mentally I'm healing. Not once have I sat and felt sorry for myself.. I've seen the obstacles and gone through them or around them. All that practical stuff.. I'm proud of my progress.

Boundaries in my relationship with the A were the problem. The crux of all my discomfort. I gave them and my security in a neatly tied package to a man who was not equipped to take care of them. This is my nemesis. In life I have no problem expressing them and where necessary enforcing them.. in that relationship I may as well have not had any. I'm working out with my therapist what set of circumstances with this man led me to that point.. so far I've got to 'I loved him and I wanted to believe he loved me' LOL. Out of that, however has come my own realisation that with him I felt less than and unworthy of that... lots of manipulation and chipping away at my self esteem to work on with that one. Looking back now though.. I'm not perfect but he lucked out when he got me, too bad he didn't appreciate it.

I'll check out that site.. thank you. :ghug Boundaries and self worth/self esteem.. two things that are the foundation and two things that should never be taken away or given away.

ToughChoices

I try to pay really close attention to my fears.

Today, when I start to wander down the "will love pass me by forever?" road or, my personal favorite, "does a healthy, emotionally available man even exist?" road, I take some time to remember that those outcomes are out of my control. I am afraid because I am trying to predict and control the future, trying to force MY will on my life instead of having faith in my HP and myself to meet my own needs, whatever the circumstances.

That hasn't worked out for me in the past.

I can't guarantee that the people I care about will treat me well and respect my boundaries.
I can't conjure up a healthy partner and a balanced, caring relationship.
I can't ensure that my loving husband of 5 years won't begin to drink alcoholically and becoming emotionally abusive.

Those things are all outside of my power, and that can lead me to feel full-on, freak-out, terrified.
Or.......
I can take a deep breath and remember that my past experiences have taught me a great deal about treating myself well. I can KNOW that I am worthy of love, and I am fully capable of aggressively defending my right to peace in a relationship.

For me, the fear resolves when I focus on my own power. I've got a bunch of it, and so do you!

Big hugs!
-TC

MissFixit

Hi Tallulah,

Sounds nice to have attention from sweet folks. No harm in spending time with them if that is what you want.

My therapist told me last winter that I needed to take time off from relationships and work on me (like Laurie said). He said why not just take this year (beginning from when we broke up) and just work on you. That is what I have been doing. Some days its okay others it sucks. I am lonely but I have reconnected with old friends that I missed and forgot about. I in no way feel ready to enter another romantic relationship right now. In the future, I hope so, but now, no way. I am too fluid (not exactly lost, but not found if you know what I mean). Too vulnerable and whomever I would date now would be a rebound or a transitional person or some sort of emotional support for me. I am not ready to give back 100%, nor do I trust another to give to me. I have had a couple of friends ask me out and I say thank you and then tell them I am not ready to date.

You have a totally different relationship history and I cannot remember how long you were together. Whatever you do, I hope you take it slow and put yourself first!

Miss

tallulah

Oh TC.. you’re hitting all kinds of nails on the head and opening up all kinds of doors for me to look in to.

I know that if I don’t want to be single I don’t have to be. I can’t vouch for the quality of the partner I may end up with if I just dive in so soon, but if simply filling some imaginary void were all I needed to do then I could do it tomorrow.

I think the ‘does a healthy, emotionally available man even exist’ is what is playing in my head. Which is patently unfair to most of the men in this world. I know that they exist because I’ve seen them, had friendships with them, had relationships with them. Even now I have access to such mythical creatures. And yet still that little gnawing fear and doubt. Take the first guy.. a seriously lovely human being… compassionate, considerate and gentle yet not boring! Tick tick tick. And I’m thinking.. hmmmm, too good to be true… the A could be like this in the early stages… oh no I can’t do a re-run of that.. abort abort!

It has taken a few sessions with my therapist drumming it into me, but I accept I can’t control whether someone turns out to be the best thing since sliced bread or a complete banana-head. I’ve put a lot of blame on myself for the way my ex was and it simply isn’t mine to shoulder: that forgiveness of myself has taken a little while to happen and more importantly mean something. I intellectualised the whole forgiving myself and not being in control of another human being’s treatment of me (save the control to not accept it and protect myself) and one day I just had to cut the crap and feel it. Now I’m in a place where, ironically, I’m going to be a better partner for it, for what happened.. the bad stuff has forced some kind of forest fire in me and now I’m hoping for good weather so that the green shoots of recovery grow into something stronger and more beautiful.

On paper my life is pretty ****** at the moment. And by that I mean that I’m starting from scratch in some really important areas of life. But.. to me they are exciting. The world is my oyster. It only becomes scary and overwhelming if I let it.. and I’m not going to lie, sometimes I do and I have a damned good cry and let it out. But then I trust that I will be ok… and that life is not going to give me anything I can’t handle and maybe some things are difficult but they are impetus to move. I put it out to the universe as it were. The ex mocked me on that… but when I just throw it out there and have some faith it kind of works out. I’ve had an example of that recently. I work by contract… I became a freelancer when I moved in with the ex. I have been off work for a while because of my injury and I was off work for a while before it because, well, I was lost. Money is running out and I needed to get back into work asap. So as soon as I was able (splint off and hand able to pass for ‘normal’) I got myself back out there. In my head I just asked for help.. nothing major just something so that I could start off on the road. Well.. within a week I’m contacted about several jobs… two of which are my dream jobs and will be permanent positions in prominent firms. I’ll be earning more than my ex and will be in a position to buy a really nice home.

I kind of know I’m worthy.. or at least I’m re-writing the conditioning form the ex that I wasn’t worthy. I’m going to take a deep breath.. and instead of focus on making mistakes I’ll shift my focus onto me.. appreciating me, what I’m doing right and my worth. The rest will surely fall into place when it is time.

Thank you TC :ghug

tallulah

Hey Miss.. :ghug

We were together for 2 years and 8 months (give or take). Moved in with him after a year.

I think at the moment I’m in the same place. I have no capacity to give 100% to another human being.. not just romantically. I can give so much and then I hit a wall. I think it may be my sub-conscious keeping me safe while I mend. And then I don’t want to do the rebound thing.. it would not be fair on me or the guy… and I’m quite cool with being single for however long it takes and forever if that is what keeps me sane and out of trouble lol.

The first guy knows this.. as does the second. Both have get outs and both are sticking around. Both are putting no pressure on me. I suppose that is as good as I could wish for. The more I type the more I think.. hell girl, what’s your problem.

My therapist hasn’t given me any guidance on what she thinks is best re. dating. She is being encouraging about getting my life back to order as quickly and as much as I am able.. all aspects of it.. but she hasn’t flat out said you need to hold off dating for 1 year or any time frames. I told her a couple of weeks ago that guy no1 and I had been out for coffee and a movie and she asked how it had been and how I felt. I did admit to being hyper vigilant and looking for red flags.. and I did admit to being hella surprised that I couldn’t spot one.. which of course started me wondering if my radar was still broken or if he just didn’t have any lol.

Meh.. it’s just nice to be spending time with someone who is sweet and hasn’t dehumanised me. I should just take it at face value and stop over thinking. As long as I’m learning the lessons I’m not doomed to repeat the class.. right..

Freedom1990

I knew when I was ready because I didn't have all those swirling thoughts/doubts. Both guys turned out to be not what I was looking for in a companion, and it was no big deal at all. I certainly didn't give it my all in the beginning with either because I've learned to be cautious in a healthy way!

I'm perfectly content sans a man in my life.

Sweets79

Hi,

I just wanted to say I really love what you just said. It sounds so much like me, especially the parts I highlighted. Really made me think. I always try to predict and control outcomes, or I atleast drive myself crazy trying to, and then get even more disappointed when the results are not what I wanted.

I realize now, how unhealthy that is, and the importance of realizing what's in your control and what isn't. As more time is passing, I am starting to get a grip on this idea. It will take awhile, but eventually with enough learning and patience I can start to accept the fact that I can't control other situations and the outcome won't always be what I want. It's a waste of energy trying to figure things out and ask "Why?" all the time. God knows how many hours and days, weeks, and months I have wasted doing just that.

Thanks again for this, I really got alot out of it

Sweets79

Hey Freedom,

I like what you had to say also I am learning to not give my all anymore in the beginning now also. I think you always have to be cautious to a certain degree, because any relationship is a gamble. Even if you're with someone a long time, you never know how things can go. I realized now how important it is to be emotionally strong before you get involved with someone. I wasn't that cautious some time ago, and wound up getting really hurt. What you said speaks volumes.

Freedom1990

Believe me, I wasn't cautious for years and years!

I was always leaping before I even looked, and what disastrous results there were in the end.

My insecurities drove me to give my all and then some, because I wanted them to like me!

I'm grateful I don't have to live that way anymore. I've learned to be my own best friend.

Sweets79

"I was always leaping before I looked" lol, story of my life.
Love what ya just said about being your own best friend by the way, definitelty something I need to work on.

TakingCharge999

Hi tallulah! always great to read your posts, do you realize how far you have come? I am so proud of you.

I say go out with whoever you wish but keep it friendly, fun and casual, in short, live the present moment... enjoy getting to know them as friends...

I agree, if you are becoming stronger and know YOU will always be there to be your own best friend, and protect yourself, you have nothing to fear!

If you are going to find a great love, your HP will make sure you do not miss it, whatever has to be will be.

When my new boyfriend made a really bad mistake I was all anxious about him being EX AH in disguise, but you cannot compare people, these new guys are not your EX's, do not pre judge them. Not all people fake stuff from the start to become someone else later. There are some of us that are authentic from the very start, and these guys could be like that too. Trust your gut also, you can go out with them, their friends and your girl friends, perhaps that would take some of the anxiety off? with the added bonus that your girlfriends can comment on them later

Enjoy your new life, you deserve it !!

ToughChoices

I still have these same fears and doubts from time to time. I still hear the tick, tick, tick....I still look up cautiously, half-expecting a shoe to come crashing down on top of me.

And it might.

Sometimes nice, sweet, caring people begin behaving badly. Sometimes they stop calling you their "angel" and start calling you a "b#%ch". Sometimes they stop holding you all night and start staying out all night drinking.

The question is not: "How can I make sure that doesn't happen?"
It's: "What will I do if that does happen?"

I know that now, I'd say "So long, Sucker!" instead of hanging around trying to figure out WHY he said something or did something. I'd run far and fast instead of delving into his past and his unresolved childhood issues. Today I know that that stuff is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I'm not interested in being someone's long-suffering, ever-patient confidante and confessor.

When it comes to new relationships, the way I figure it, time is my friend. I can't KNOW what the future will hold, but as time passes, more information comes to light. I can make a good bet on someone's future behavior based on their past behavior.

It's smart to go slow, but the fact that my XAH's alcoholism did not manifest until we had been married for several years tells me that there simply isn't a way to guarantee that everything will work out the way that I have it planned. I would have loved and married my X even if we had waited for years and years to make a commitment.

Today I trust myself to leave a relationship if my subconscious "tick, tick, tick" actually leads to an emotional explosion. I think that eventually the volume on the ticking timebomb in my mind will get turned down, but I know that I will never again explain away or ignore an actual explosion.

GiveLove

Ouch!! This was my "badge of honor" for so long, TC. I couldnt' think of anything I wanted to be more than that, the girl about which a man would say to his friends, "she's the only one who really understands my pain." It was, I came to realize, what I aspired to.

To reach that aspiration, I sought out and resonated with people who were just as damaged as I was. Only someone who had suffered as I had "could truly understand me". Never mind that this kind of support was rarely reciprocated. Never mind that two damaged people not in recovery is a recipe for disaster. I was living on a houseboat in a sea of denial.

Now -- after SR, counseling, Al-Anon, inner work, coaching, you name it -- I aspire only to be an equal partner in a relationship between two strong, compassionate people who are EACH taking steps to handle their own woundings.

Take it slow, tallulah, and keep telling yourself the absolute truth about how you feel as you move into dating relationships. If you'd like the SR folks to pre-screen them for you, I'm sure you'd have lots of volunteers.........

naive

tallulah-

it is natural after what you have been through to want to feel like a woman again...to feel beautiful.

i feel somewhat uneasy that you met guy #1 at the hospital. he would have then seen you in a very vulnerable point in your life. can you be sure he is not a rescuer? that he wants to fix everything for you, take your pain away, heal the damage caused by your xABF? it makes me wonder a bit....

i'm in a bit of the same situation, having men asking me out now that they know i'm clear of mine. some of these men have been clear in their intentions a few years ago and have waited. since i've now moved out and am single, they begin to approach.

for myself, i feel i have so much going on within myself that i need time and space to address. you are a bit further along the road with 3 months separation but that's still not very long.

sure, it's nice to have men's interest but are you sure you're ready?

i think you don't need this added pressure right now. you've got enough on your plate, in my opinion.

naive