blessed4x

Coyote commented on our proposed custody arrangement in hmbld's thread, and in an effort to not hijack it I thought I'd start a new one here.

We are discussing having a family home (our current residence where they have lived since birth) where each of us move in and out of on scheduled visitation times. Not very conventional I know, but with 4 kids and such a wide age range it seems the most practical. Of course, we will have to have very defined boundaries, and I think they need to be in writing. STBXAH is not drinking at this time, but should that change in the future it will have an impact on my desire to leave him in the home with the kids.

I've thought about what will happen should either of us enter into a new relationship and bringing that person into the home.....that might cause issues. Is there anything else anyone can think of? The first reaction of EVERYONE we have told is "Do you really want him/her snooping through your stuff". Well, I have to tell you I don't have any "secret" stuff. Should I decide I do have things I'd rather him not look into, I guess I'd have to come up with a plan such as a locked room, or cabinet, but in 22 years of marriage I didn't find anything to hide. Now he did have issues with hiding stuff, but once divorced I don't think he'll care if I find evidence of another woman....nor am I interested in looking! His business is his business.

So, are we crazy? I look at it like nothings forever, and if it doesn't work, so be it. If someone's going to have to live out of a suitcase every other weekend, I'd prefer it be me and not my children, know what I mean?

Seren

Hey, if you can both maintain 1.5 households each, and leave the "nest" as the permanent residence for the children....might not be a bad idea. It might require a serious, written set of house rules.

Good luck! Hugs, HG

blessed4x

Actually I'd be staying at his place every other weekend.....it allowed him to rent a smaller place and save money on rent, plus I'm willing to negotiate some on the child support to make it happen. I make close to twice as much as he does.

nowwhat

The bird's nest thing might be okay, but think seriously about staying at his place. Maybe you could find a part time roommate type thing instead?

I would find it really difficult to feel truly divorced if I was sharing space with my X, even if he wasn't in it at the time.

Also, sounds risky to try this with a volatile A. JMHO

FunnyOne

In my state we call this "nesting". I have two girlfriends that did this. Honestly, it only was temporary for both. For one girlfriend, the AH was originally happy with the money settlement, but then decided he was shortchanged...rather than go back to court he just "helped himself" to valuables. The other friend found that her new BF was too wierded out by the whole deal. But I suppose it all depends on your relationship and your respect for each other. Good Luck, it's admirable that you are trying to make it seamless for the kids!

coyote21

No, and yes exactly!

I think this is the most selfless, noble and loving thing for kids of divorce that I've ever heard of.

After my initial post on this it occurred to me that TWO adults shuffling back and forth might actually be far easier, logistically speaking, than FOUR kids.

As far as secrets, I'm with you. If you don't have anything to be ashamed of, you have nothing to hide.

Also, the every other week thing isn't etched in stone either. As long as everybody is playing nice, why not every month with regular visitation in between?

I like your attitude of "try it and see if it works", if not, at least you guys gave it a shot. My hat's off to you.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

coyote21

I've thought about what will happen should either of us enter into a new relationship and bringing that person into the home.....that might cause issues.


Simple, don't bring anyone to the kids home. If I should ever feel like dating again, I'm not gonna involve my DD in any of that stuff. I think I've made enough poor choices that have impacted her little life, thank you very much!

I don't know how old you guys are, but any prospective dating material should have their own place by now.

Also, this living arrangement might actually work in your best interest. Might be a real "turd weeder-outer", ya know?

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Thank you HP for moving MY ex 4 hours away. thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

naive

blessed-

i love the idea except for the you staying at his apartment part of it. if he was a healthy person, it would still be difficult as when do you get your own space? i think you need some space for yourself.

i wonder if there is an alternative...a girlfriend who you could share her space with and contribute a nominal fee for the two weekends a month you stay with her? a bed and breakfast you could stay at?

the other thing that comes to mind is will you return to the house and the basic chores undone? he is an A afterall. will you be walking back into the kids house and all the laundry will need to be done? the floors washed? the bathtub cleaned?

i understand about not bothered about hiding your life as you have nothing to hide...that wouldn't bother me either...but i'm not interested in pulling his share of the work anymore...has you xAH proven that he can be a teamworker?

are you sure you are not yet once again pulling his weight? bending over backwards to accomodate him? i understand your main thoughts are the children but i can't help but remember that when all 5 of you went off to support an activity that one of your children was doing, he was at your home, having an affair.

why wouldn't he do that again? what's changed? are you sure you want this continued drama in your own home?

just brainstorming. take what you want, discard the rest.
naive

Learning how

Blessed, Sounds like it would be nicer for the kids if they have a home base.

And my first thought was if I had that arrangement I would be walking into dirty house after his weekend.

As long has you have a good set of house rules and he is willing to follow them regarding things like that.

I'm not sure there is a fool proof way of working out the child visitation thing, but your plan does put the kids first.

hadenoughnow

I would only attempt this with very clearly written rules on a trial basis. Your STBX is very early in his "recovery" and there is lots of potential for abuse from his end in this scenario.

Ceridwen

it sounds to me like the sort of thing that two very adult parents with firm boundaries and good communication could make work if they respected each other and liked each other a lot.

I know that doesn't describe me, only you know if it describes you and your ex.

I'm sure you are very aware of the positives, if you both have the same standards of organisation, cleanliness, openess, understanding of privacy, honesty etc, kindness and respect for each other then it would work well.

I know that *I* would feel resentful about chores undone, I would be tempted to blame him for any mislaid items (unfairly I'm sure), have resentments about bills run up whilst I am not there (phone, etc).

I'm not adult enough for it, all power to you if you both are.