Had to call 911 tonight. And he was arrested in January!
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Thank you.
I wanted to address all of your comments, although I stared a new thread so you'd see I haven't disappeared. Thank you very much for your comments and thoughts. Thank you for the words of support. I need them, and needed them tonight.
You are so right, Designer. I've thought about not wasting another minute on him, another bit of energy on him effective the moment he walks out the door. Actually, right after I tell my family and friends what b.s. final statements he made as he walked out the door. I'm sure I'll cry after. Then again, probably not! You are right about wanting something positive to come out of this - all of this time and energy I have invested. But something has - I am a better person, I will never let a man cross my boundaries and I won't give up my convictions, my needs, myself for a man. And I will listen to my inner voice. I don't need to put the pieces of the puzzle together to get proof that the guy is crooked. Just one piece that doesn't seem right must be enough.
Thank you, BlueJay. That's a good point. And I think watching the video would make him drink more - he's a "woe is me" kind of guy. I think he's beyond the "THAT IS NOT ME, I'll never do that to myself again!" point. I'm not babying him anymore. Well, 10 more days. I can just keep quiet and stay away, like I am now.
He has experienced it, isn't that him in the video?
Are you giving him this video "gift" to make yourself feel better? Or because you think it will be the thing to get him to stop drinking? When the alcoholics in my life have expressed astonishment or denial when confronted with their antics I know it is just the massive bulwark of defense that the disease constructs to keep them drinking. Putting effort towards getting them to see themselves the way I do, or interpret events the way I do is a dead ender for me and them!
It seems cruel to put all this footage together as a "gift" for him...I don't know why but it makes me uneasy because for me, if I were doing that, it would be because some part of me hasn't accepted that the alcoholic will not seek help until they are ready. It would mean that I have not completely accepted that it is not that the alcoholic's problem is not believeing the sad picture of themselves, it is that they are suffering from alcoholism, plain and simple.
I guess I would only give this video to someone if I was still clinging to the idea that if I could just get the alkie to see how bad they are they would change....and that way of thinking has brought me NOTHING but misery...that's just the reaction I had when I read your post....
I'm glad you've got a plan for May 31st and I hope you can stay safe and sane until then!!
peace,
b Thank you, Bernadette. I agree with you, actually. I think letting him see himself is cruel. I also think that kicking him into the street is cruel. But people who have been there think it's the only way he'll hit rock bottom, so go for it if I can. I've come to the conclusion that I can't think the way I normally do when dealing with an A. I played the audio of my ABF crying and coughing. He thought he'd laugh at him, and I asked him not to, and he said he'd try not to laugh. Well, he was shocked and couldn't laugh, he had a serious look and heard the agony and pain in my ABF's cries; then asked me to turn it off, and asked me how I was able to handle it. I think it's more of a slap in the face with a heavy brick called reality, rather than cruelty. But - assuming he might not be able to handle the truth about his own self, I may not want to do it. Now, is that "babying"?? I think it's protecting him from the truth, though.
BUT, I think you're right - the underlying, subconscious reason may be to get him to stop drinking. At least if I saw myself, I'd die of embarassment and swear off all alcohol forever. But he doesn't think like me. Hmmmm. BTW, the only thing that would make me feel better is if he left and stopped drinking. I am not vendictive or looking for payback. He's lucky. I would have been very mean during the last 2 years because he put me down so much that I could have hurt him terribly with just facts. But I kept quiet because the truth would have hurt worse than his put downs.
Originally Posted by DESIGNER 
They know the hurt that they have done to us and to themselves and alcohol is the only way to get rid of those feelings. If you let him see that video it may only want to make him drink more!!
The best way to show him that he is screwing up is by you walking away and getting on with your life!!
It is hard...you want something positive to come out of all the pain and hurt that you have been through. I totally get that...believe me. I deal with this every single day still but the reality of it is is that NOTHING that I do is going to change him. I am so proud of myself for finally realizing this and it took forever and a whole lot of convincing from people on here but I have seen the light. It is not easy and sometimes that light is not always comforting but I have given this problem to my higher power and have surrenderd!!!
Don't waste any more precious time on his problem. Get out there and live your life!!!
The best way to show him that he is screwing up is by you walking away and getting on with your life!!
It is hard...you want something positive to come out of all the pain and hurt that you have been through. I totally get that...believe me. I deal with this every single day still but the reality of it is is that NOTHING that I do is going to change him. I am so proud of myself for finally realizing this and it took forever and a whole lot of convincing from people on here but I have seen the light. It is not easy and sometimes that light is not always comforting but I have given this problem to my higher power and have surrenderd!!!
Don't waste any more precious time on his problem. Get out there and live your life!!!
Originally Posted by bluejay6
I agree with Bernadette. I would not make the video....and do you REALLY think he will WATCH it?
We don't need to prove an addict's miserable life to him.....he wakes up and feels it every day.....and reaches for the drug to get rid of the memories and the shame.
All we need to do is stop babying him, say what we mean and mean what we say, and don't make excuses for him. Hands off the addict.
We don't need to prove an addict's miserable life to him.....he wakes up and feels it every day.....and reaches for the drug to get rid of the memories and the shame.
All we need to do is stop babying him, say what we mean and mean what we say, and don't make excuses for him. Hands off the addict.
Originally Posted by Bernadette
He has experienced it, isn't that him in the video?
Are you giving him this video "gift" to make yourself feel better? Or because you think it will be the thing to get him to stop drinking? When the alcoholics in my life have expressed astonishment or denial when confronted with their antics I know it is just the massive bulwark of defense that the disease constructs to keep them drinking. Putting effort towards getting them to see themselves the way I do, or interpret events the way I do is a dead ender for me and them!
It seems cruel to put all this footage together as a "gift" for him...I don't know why but it makes me uneasy because for me, if I were doing that, it would be because some part of me hasn't accepted that the alcoholic will not seek help until they are ready. It would mean that I have not completely accepted that it is not that the alcoholic's problem is not believeing the sad picture of themselves, it is that they are suffering from alcoholism, plain and simple.
I guess I would only give this video to someone if I was still clinging to the idea that if I could just get the alkie to see how bad they are they would change....and that way of thinking has brought me NOTHING but misery...that's just the reaction I had when I read your post....
I'm glad you've got a plan for May 31st and I hope you can stay safe and sane until then!!
peace,
b
BUT, I think you're right - the underlying, subconscious reason may be to get him to stop drinking. At least if I saw myself, I'd die of embarassment and swear off all alcohol forever. But he doesn't think like me. Hmmmm. BTW, the only thing that would make me feel better is if he left and stopped drinking. I am not vendictive or looking for payback. He's lucky. I would have been very mean during the last 2 years because he put me down so much that I could have hurt him terribly with just facts. But I kept quiet because the truth would have hurt worse than his put downs.
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Originally Posted by Pelican
Thanks for checking in.
10 more days!! How will you celebrate your freedom?
10 more days!! How will you celebrate your freedom?
I'm buying a new computer (this one is slow and about 10 years old) and a new bed. New super soft towels and shower curtain, bathroom stuff, nice soft sheets for the bed, a new comforter. And over the next few months I'm buying organization stuff to organize my closet and my life; plus REAL paintings, nice lamps. Make this place a home. MY home. Not just a "place where I sleep".
Thank you for asking!! What a great question. Thank you!
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Readytohelp,
Some of us don't hit a rock bottom. We just continue to go sideways I until we die.
My bottom, is different from the next person and so on.
Sorry to here all that you have gone through, but congratulations on your decision to take care of your life tonight.
Some of us don't hit a rock bottom. We just continue to go sideways I until we die.
My bottom, is different from the next person and so on.
Sorry to here all that you have gone through, but congratulations on your decision to take care of your life tonight.
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