dueindecember

Hi All,
I am still new here but that you to everyone for your kind words and support on my post yesterday. I would like to say I have good news, but things have gotten much worse since my post yesterday. AH calls me after his AA meeting last night and says he is on his way to lowe's to get light bulbs and that he needs me to climb a 12 ft. ladder in our garage to measure the current light bulbs. Surely a person that even remotely cares about the well being of their pregnant wife would not make such a request as it cant be safe, but he does. I refused and told him my best estimate and that would have to do. That angered him, but he seemed to accept it. I kept my distance last night, had my daughter in the bed before he got home and slept in another room. This morning I left for work while he was still asleep and got home from work to find him drunk- can't walk, can't talk, can't stand up straight drunk. I didnt argue with him, I went inside and checked his usual hiding spots. Found an empty bottle of vodka (that definitely wasn't their before- I cleaned everything out while he was in detox) I confronted him with it, he denied it and made it clear that he was definitely not willing to come clean- I then told him that maybe it would be best if he stayed with his parents for now and we could still work on our therapy and his recovery, but hopefully without quite so much stress- He agreed to leave, but only after saying that he wants a divorce (he already called a friend of his who is an attorney) he never wants to see our baby, dumping out my prenatal vitamins & half the food in my fridge and informing me that AA had told him that he should put himself #1 and me #2 and that he had already made all of his amends with people as per the steps in AA.

I think its safe to say that he is most definitely just a really rotten person. I feel so relieved that I dont have to deal with him tonight and while I know there are a lot of hard times ahead of me, I feel like this is the right thing for me and my kids...

suki44883

Good for you! You are well rid of that piece of garbage.

Oops...pardon my french.

keithj

I cringe when hearing this crap. It's typical of the take what you want and leave the rest version of AA. What AA really requires is:
"Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs."
-AA Big Book, Chapter 2

We won't even get in to what amends are really about. That guy is clueless about the AA program of recovery.

prodigal

True, but you are dealing with an ADDICT who is active in his addiction.

What were you hoping to accomplish by doing this? He was already drunk, so why stir the pot and get things more ugly? Drunks who are having their sober moments do not like being confronted, let alone one who is trashed. Quit looking for bottles. If you were to give him every shred of evidence you could find, he'd still deny. I've heard the most outrageous, downright laughable, stories/denials/lies from an active A. I quit dancing to that old song because it got me nowhere but crazy.

If I had to guess, I'd bet the farm that all his noise about getting a divorce is just that - noise. Let him say he's going to get a divorce and wait to see if he actually does anything that indicates he's going to follow through on his threat.

Yeah, I'd say you've got a real horse's a$$ on your hands. Dumping your vitamins and food is childish and mean-spirirted. This guy is full of b.s. And as for making amends, this is just more noise. I'd suggest if he doesn't instigate legal action, you may want to have an initial consultation with an attorney yourself. For your sake and the sake of your children. This guy sounds like bad news.

dueindecember

I should add that my AH just attended his 2nd meeting AA since leaving detox this past week. Hardly enough time to move through any steps or make any amends...

prodigal

Well, it sounds as if detox and AA aren't working, are they? He's already drunk. And the stuff he's shoveling stinks and has nothing whatsoever to do with recovery.

So what are you planning to do now? Perhaps get a free legal consultation, go to an Al-Anon meeting, find a good therapist. You've got a lot on your plate, but nothing changes if nothing changes ....

dueindecember

I have already enlisted the help of an attorney. Unfortunately I can't meet with him until next week. I will also be attending our next therapy session alone and continuing to go each week to work on these issues. The hardest part about this is not being able to see my step son and knowing how upset my daughter is going to be about that...
Something I will adress with the therapist on Tuesday.

freya

Sounds like you're doing remarkably well, given the situation you are in. Keep up the good work, you will be so much better off if you keep focusing on taking care of yourself and your kids!....and you are setting a good, healthier example for them, too!

freya

isurvived

Listen. This sounds like how my AH was. He'd get insane with nastiness when he was drinking. And scary. Just a downright JERK. He's playing on your condition, and this stuff is considered emotional abuse.

Pack yourself a suitcase and store it where you can easily access it. Contact your local domestic violence shelter and get some help. They can help you get him out of there. You can get a restraining order and keep him out. You need to think of your safety and that of your children FIRST.

GiveLove

So......did he leave? Hoping so.

You'll get through this, dueindecember. It's tough, but then again there are few things in life worth having that AREN'T a little tough to obtain. Your freedom and mental health, and that of your kids, are certainly worth it.

dueindecember

Yes GiveLove, He's gone. I've already explained to my daughter that he won't be staying here for now and that we will be trying to work through some things. She seems oddly at peace with the whole thing, but I may set up a time for her to meet with my therapist as well.

LaTeeDa

I commend you for considering therapy for your daughter. You didn't say how old she is, but unless she's too young to talk, I think it's a good idea.

My children were very conflicted when I separated from my husband. I understand the oddly at peace thing--what a relief to get the chaos out of their lives. But, at the same time, they felt guilty for being relieved he was gone. They love their dad, but don't want to live with him. That was a hard thing for them to get through. Therapy helped a lot.

My best wishes to you and your child(ren).

L

Hammerhead

Hey dueindecember... good for you for NOT climbing the stairway to heaven... geez... this literallly sounds like a Hitchcock movie. As for "making him leave" well it sounds to me like you suggested it and he agreed... so maybe he's been looking for an out anyway...

Bless you for claiming and standing your ground... indeed a good boundry you've set. Only a real *$#@, idiot, pathological Jerk, a$$hole would throw your prenatal vitamins and food away...sounds like a 3 year old temper tantrum to me... perhaps now that you've cleared the BIG baby out... you'll have a safe room for the littleone

Freedom1990

I'm glad you're going to see the therapist alone. There's nothing to work on as long as he's drinking, and it doesn't sound like things would improve if he wasn't drinking.

I'm so sorry about the scene and dumping out your vitamins and food. Things like that just make my blood boil!

Please continue to take care of yourself and your daughter, hon. You did the right thing by getting him out of the house!

:ghug :ghug

bluejay6

Oh, I felt a pain in my heart as I read your description of what he did to you, what he said.

Please please please do not let him back into your home.

Still Waters

Sounds like the actions of a drunken child. One who is wanting the focus to be on him, and not on you and the baby. Certainly not that of a sane mature adult.

Alcoholic manipulation. He hears what he wants and uses it to his advantage when he can.

None of these things are the actions of a man who is going to be able to be a supportive and loving partner in your life, nor a loving and decent father. Sadly.

Take care of you and the kids, his life is his to deal with - let him.