princesspilot75

My SO (significant other) is 90 days sober and miserable, angry, defensive, very judgemental and (from what I have read), playing the "blame game". Recently, he has decided to not call me for a week. After several helpful posts and much research, I have learned that this is very common behavior for him and a very common reaction for me. When he does contact me, I am making it clear that he needs to focus on himself, as do I; therefore, we should not be in contact for some time.

I found several posts that were very helpful explaning our exact situation in terms of how he was acting, my feelings and reactions (as a result) and his inappropriate judgment on my character.

Should I send this to him, so he can have food for thought through the separation?
Have others found it helpful to show similar stories to their recovering/addict SO?
Did it make them aware of their behavior?

MissFixit

Having walked in your shoes, my experience is that I used to send info and email links, etc...It was NEVER helpful, made him angry and backfired.

If I had to do it again, I would have totally left his recovery up to him.

TakingCharge999

No princess, he does not need any info. He can find it just as you find all the information you need for your own recovery.

If he seeks recovery, and wants it more than anything else in life, he will make it. You cannot cure him. Use that energy to seek more information for YOU to feel better!

Hugs!!

freya

I think you have answered your own question in the above line. If he wants to become aware and change his behavior, then he'll do it.....If he doesn't, he won't. And even if he decides he does, you are probably the last person in the world to be helpful to him in that regard -- not because you might not have useful info, but because of your history with him. When it comes to his recovery -- or lack thereof -- you truly are not the best person to be helping him, and your trying to do so only gives him a good excuse to develop more resentment toward you and to not be looking for help from the people who are best suited to give it to him.

freya

sailorjohn

Ditto that, I always felt worse, and she always got more defensive. I think we codies are attempting to effect that moment for them-when the denial lifts-I've never actually heard of it happening that way. A simple "I don't think this is going to work, I wish you well" should be more than adequate.

Startingover2

I left him articles, links, book, pamphlets, sticky notes, cd's about his addiction thinking if he was educated it would be a no brainer to get himself some help. Guess what? All he did was get defensive and angry.

I am not the only one who has done this to him. His mom bought him the big AA book and wrote inside the front cover how he will soon lose everything if he doesn't get help and alcoholism is a progressive disease. He just put the book in a drawer and when I finally kicked him out I gave it to him, but he still left it.

He knows how to get the help. Help yourself.

bluejay6

Princess,
His "food for thought" during the separation should be about how he is going to STAY CLEAN and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE.

It DOES NOT MATTER if his relationship with you goes down the tubes. It DOES NOT MATTER if you never hear from him again.

For an addict seeking recovery, SURVIVAL is the only thing that matters--or should--and the distraction of working on a relationship should be delayed for months, and preferably at minimum one year.

I have been in your shoes and i know that your focus and anxiety is about your relationship.....but my hope for HIM is that he steps away from you and focuses on saving his life from addiction because if he doesn't, the man is going to live a miserable life and die a miserable death.

Your information, your contact, your attempts to communicate muddy the waters.

If you really want to help him, wish him the very best in his first year of recovery and step away.

If you are meant to be together, God will see to it LATER that you are.

I'm so sorry for your heartache. I have known it, too. But we forget that addiction is not about a relationship. It is about death.

Ago

I agree wholly with this

stepping away from "his recovery" means just that, stepping away, sending him "helpful links" in my experience is anything but helpful, it's just another way I'm trying to get my SO to see things "my way". It's a bit controlling actually if you think about it.

Personally, I've never met anyone in recovery that wasn't a mess at 90 days, that includes me, that's one of the reasons they suggest no new relationships the first year. He's barely detoxed and hasn't even truly begun to step into the "getting better" part of the recovery process yet. He's still in the "emotional withdrawal" portion of recovery IMO.

The "wisdom" around the rooms is if someone starts drinking when they are 13 years old, they are, emotionally speaking, a 13 yo when they stop drinking and start truly "getting sober". My experience and observation with this phenomenon is abundant. The truth of the matter is you are probably dealing with someone who is, in all likelihood, at the developmental stage of maybe a 15 year old. His behavior certainly seems to bear this theory out.

There are of course exceptions to this rule, the "miracles of mental health 90 day wonders", you see them pop into this forum frequently to explain how we are all doing it wrong here. They are funner then a bag of hammers in their own special way.

Give him some time to maybe grow up a bit before you try to have a relationship with him.

Maybe you can use that time to work on yourself?