where is the alcohol hidden?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Obsession
Ronin,
I used to look everywhere. It was part of my daily routine. I envisioned the little "nips", as he called them, hiding in a corner of any part of the apartment. So, I wanted to prove myself correct about the locations. Only - I never found anything! In 2 years, for the first time, last Thursday, I found an almost empty vodka bottle in his knapsack along with small bottles of some other liquor. I check his knapsack daily and suddenly, there it was.
The thing is - he could drink in the stairway in our apartment building. This is not a casual drinker who nurses his drink. He can get the bottle, keep it, drink it in the stairs, then throw it out in the incinerator before even getting into the apartment. Poof. No reason to hide anything.
He can drink at work, at lunch and, my ABF works at a restaurant, so the bartender can just slip some vodka into his club soda. No one would know. Most of his coworkers swear he doesn't drink, not that I'd believe them anyway. But an A tends to want to keep his problem a secret anyway.
My question to you is this: What are you going to do when you find the bottles?
Scream: Aha! GOTCHA!!
And then what? It won't stop his need to feed his addiction.
IMHO, knowing where the bottles are, and how much is in them will only tell you how much he's consuming if you check them periodically. He will find new hiding places and you'll be on a new Easter egg hunt all over again.
I bought a book called "Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity". It was pretty interesting, especially when I got to the part about playing spy is very addictive and when you get the info you need, you need to stop doing it. I don't rememeber the specifics, but I do know that looking through his stuff, looking up his cell phone calls online, looking at his text messages when he's in the shower became very addictive to me.
A coworker once told me that I was consumed with my ABF. I was consumed with catching him in the act, finding some kind of evidence, looking at his text messages, searching through his bags, looking at his email messages. He said that it was unhealthy for ME because I was the one making myself crazy looking for the stuff. "Look at how much time you've spent talking about it, and you found nothing. You don't need any proof, you know he is doing it. What are you going to do when you find it? He's still going to drink anyway."
That woke me up.
Anyway, you can keep looking and keep mental notes of where and when and how much and what kind and every day go through your mental check list of where you looked last, what his pattern is, oh, now he's drinking something different, oh, is this stronger? now he drank a whole bottle, is he getting worse? Or, you can read a self help book on how to detach your brain and your heart and decide what you want to do with your life and time.
Good luck. I still get excited and nervous when I want to check his cell phone for text messages and the calls he made online. It's anticlimatic when I don't recognize any of the phone numbers and have no idea how to find out who they belong to. All that excitement for nothing.
I have better things to spend my time on, like reading a book, or even exercising.
Good luck!!
I used to look everywhere. It was part of my daily routine. I envisioned the little "nips", as he called them, hiding in a corner of any part of the apartment. So, I wanted to prove myself correct about the locations. Only - I never found anything! In 2 years, for the first time, last Thursday, I found an almost empty vodka bottle in his knapsack along with small bottles of some other liquor. I check his knapsack daily and suddenly, there it was.
The thing is - he could drink in the stairway in our apartment building. This is not a casual drinker who nurses his drink. He can get the bottle, keep it, drink it in the stairs, then throw it out in the incinerator before even getting into the apartment. Poof. No reason to hide anything.
He can drink at work, at lunch and, my ABF works at a restaurant, so the bartender can just slip some vodka into his club soda. No one would know. Most of his coworkers swear he doesn't drink, not that I'd believe them anyway. But an A tends to want to keep his problem a secret anyway.
My question to you is this: What are you going to do when you find the bottles?
Scream: Aha! GOTCHA!!
And then what? It won't stop his need to feed his addiction.
IMHO, knowing where the bottles are, and how much is in them will only tell you how much he's consuming if you check them periodically. He will find new hiding places and you'll be on a new Easter egg hunt all over again.
I bought a book called "Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity". It was pretty interesting, especially when I got to the part about playing spy is very addictive and when you get the info you need, you need to stop doing it. I don't rememeber the specifics, but I do know that looking through his stuff, looking up his cell phone calls online, looking at his text messages when he's in the shower became very addictive to me.
A coworker once told me that I was consumed with my ABF. I was consumed with catching him in the act, finding some kind of evidence, looking at his text messages, searching through his bags, looking at his email messages. He said that it was unhealthy for ME because I was the one making myself crazy looking for the stuff. "Look at how much time you've spent talking about it, and you found nothing. You don't need any proof, you know he is doing it. What are you going to do when you find it? He's still going to drink anyway."
That woke me up.
Anyway, you can keep looking and keep mental notes of where and when and how much and what kind and every day go through your mental check list of where you looked last, what his pattern is, oh, now he's drinking something different, oh, is this stronger? now he drank a whole bottle, is he getting worse? Or, you can read a self help book on how to detach your brain and your heart and decide what you want to do with your life and time.
Good luck. I still get excited and nervous when I want to check his cell phone for text messages and the calls he made online. It's anticlimatic when I don't recognize any of the phone numbers and have no idea how to find out who they belong to. All that excitement for nothing.
I have better things to spend my time on, like reading a book, or even exercising.
Good luck!!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
When my partner was in her dry drunk relapse, I spent a couple months (before finding Al Anon) logging into her cell phone account and keeping careful track of who she was talking to, when, and how often. It was a painful behavior because I never liked what I found...although I did get a certain perverse pleasure of out being right and being able "to prove that she was cheating and lying. I also got kind of addicted to the rush of doing it, and I got a good excuse to focus on her rather than on doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. How friggin' sick and pathetic is that!
Looking back on that behavior now, it makes me feel nauseous to think about it. I mean, really, what did I think I was doing? My partner is (and was) an adult with the right to make her own choices and behave the way she chooses to behave....however healthy or unhealthy that behavior or those choices may be and regardless of whether or not I approve of them or not. By sneaking around and spying on her, I was disrespecting her and myself and allowing her poor behavior and my feelings around it to draw me into behavior of my own that was equally disrespectful, hurtful, and just all-around insane and poorer-than-poor.
I know now that who my partner was talking to and when and how often was none of my business. What was my business and what I knew perfectly well without spying on her was that she was no longer "emotionally present" in our relationship and she was not treating me well. I also knew that attempts to communicate with her about any of this were always met with crazy lies and diversions (hallmarks of alcoholic behavior I now know) on her part. What more did I really need to know to figure out that I needed out of that relationship??? Nothing.
I knew everything I needed to know without sinking to her level in terms of my behavior........but it was, in some sick sense, easier to do that than to accept the painful fact that the person I loved was possessed by alcoholism, that I was powerless to help her, and that it was time for that relationsihp to end.
Looking back, what a painful and humiliating waste of time that all was!
freya
Looking back on that behavior now, it makes me feel nauseous to think about it. I mean, really, what did I think I was doing? My partner is (and was) an adult with the right to make her own choices and behave the way she chooses to behave....however healthy or unhealthy that behavior or those choices may be and regardless of whether or not I approve of them or not. By sneaking around and spying on her, I was disrespecting her and myself and allowing her poor behavior and my feelings around it to draw me into behavior of my own that was equally disrespectful, hurtful, and just all-around insane and poorer-than-poor.
I know now that who my partner was talking to and when and how often was none of my business. What was my business and what I knew perfectly well without spying on her was that she was no longer "emotionally present" in our relationship and she was not treating me well. I also knew that attempts to communicate with her about any of this were always met with crazy lies and diversions (hallmarks of alcoholic behavior I now know) on her part. What more did I really need to know to figure out that I needed out of that relationship??? Nothing.
I knew everything I needed to know without sinking to her level in terms of my behavior........but it was, in some sick sense, easier to do that than to accept the painful fact that the person I loved was possessed by alcoholism, that I was powerless to help her, and that it was time for that relationsihp to end.
Looking back, what a painful and humiliating waste of time that all was!
freya
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am going out with a new guy. The first issue we had: a girl knows he has a girlfriend (ME!), and keeps sending him SMS messages asking him when "she is going to have the pleasure of going out with him". I got angry and jealous. I said I wanted to answer her message!!
Red flag!!
I did nothing. A few hours later I asked him not to show me any of those messages anymore, that I trust he will handle them the best way possible, and if he ever wants to go out or do anything with someone else, just to notify me first. No lies between us. And I will tell him the same.
How refreshing! I am glad we get to see our own changes in our interactions with people. This road is very lonely but some days, some moments, show me how much I've changed... just sad it had to be that painful, but well. In some aspects WE are also victims of alcoholism, aren't we? Just like AHs in recovery... alcohol is just so damn powerful, its a daily struggle, you've got to want YOUR recovery more than anything else in this world just like Ago says.
I asked you if you went to a therapist, because when I start thinking about MYSELF I got so much work to do that anyone can inject watermelons if they wish, and either way I'd be really busy handling my own issues!!
Red flag!!
I did nothing. A few hours later I asked him not to show me any of those messages anymore, that I trust he will handle them the best way possible, and if he ever wants to go out or do anything with someone else, just to notify me first. No lies between us. And I will tell him the same.
How refreshing! I am glad we get to see our own changes in our interactions with people. This road is very lonely but some days, some moments, show me how much I've changed... just sad it had to be that painful, but well. In some aspects WE are also victims of alcoholism, aren't we? Just like AHs in recovery... alcohol is just so damn powerful, its a daily struggle, you've got to want YOUR recovery more than anything else in this world just like Ago says.
I asked you if you went to a therapist, because when I start thinking about MYSELF I got so much work to do that anyone can inject watermelons if they wish, and either way I'd be really busy handling my own issues!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Dreamer,
Reading his texts is pretty co-dependent. If he is reading them to you, then he has got a weird way of dealing with things. I noticed that when people did that to me in the past, it was to make me interested and it actually did the opposite.
Just thinking of you taking care of you.
Miss
Reading his texts is pretty co-dependent. If he is reading them to you, then he has got a weird way of dealing with things. I noticed that when people did that to me in the past, it was to make me interested and it actually did the opposite.
Just thinking of you taking care of you.
Miss
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks MissFixIt!
He showed the message to me. Not sure why. Mmm you made me think, seems immature... I recall we were talking about people we were going out with "informally" before we met...
He showed me one he sent her stating to no longer look for him as he had a gf, then the next two, one saying "what a lucky girl" and the other one sent the next day, asking him out....
:wtf2
I wouldn't read the messages he receives or emails.
Granted, because I used to read the ex's stuff, and freak out about the calls. I agree with the above poster it seems rather pathetic now. I had another ex that did that to me, and I was really angry! And there I am doing the same thing and worse.
Will be cautious from now on!
If he shows me something similar or tries to make me "jealous" somehow.. I will bring the subject up. I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt this time.
Thank God for SR and my therapist, no more codie dances for me!!
Sorry ronin
I hope you are doing well..... I read about other's red flags, and know I notice I have to keep my own red flags in check too!!
He showed the message to me. Not sure why. Mmm you made me think, seems immature... I recall we were talking about people we were going out with "informally" before we met...
He showed me one he sent her stating to no longer look for him as he had a gf, then the next two, one saying "what a lucky girl" and the other one sent the next day, asking him out....
:wtf2
I wouldn't read the messages he receives or emails.
Granted, because I used to read the ex's stuff, and freak out about the calls. I agree with the above poster it seems rather pathetic now. I had another ex that did that to me, and I was really angry! And there I am doing the same thing and worse.
Will be cautious from now on!
If he shows me something similar or tries to make me "jealous" somehow.. I will bring the subject up. I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt this time.
Thank God for SR and my therapist, no more codie dances for me!!
Sorry ronin
I hope you are doing well..... I read about other's red flags, and know I notice I have to keep my own red flags in check too!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
I would say "injecting oranges" is extreme enough to guess he indeed has alcoholism. Perhaps even paranoia since he just doesn't conceal vodka in water bottles.
Getting the booze in oranges may be what is called "maintenance drinking" = avoiding withdrawal symptoms but not getting plastered.
His saying the oranges are a way to control his drinking is either a rationalization or a lie that he may or may not believe.
How many "normal social drinkers" that you have known or heard of inject oranges?
Getting the booze in oranges may be what is called "maintenance drinking" = avoiding withdrawal symptoms but not getting plastered.
His saying the oranges are a way to control his drinking is either a rationalization or a lie that he may or may not believe.
How many "normal social drinkers" that you have known or heard of inject oranges?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
... and as I have learned here.... it does not matter if he thinks he has an issue or not 
(I personally think he does, and is deep in denial, 
but that's just my opinion)... the fact he does it is an issue for you, so it IS an issue!!
as far as we fall on the traps the AHs create for themselves to cover their addictive behaviours, we are caged and doomed, too...
(I personally think he does, and is deep in denial, but that's just my opinion)... the fact he does it is an issue for you, so it IS an issue!!as far as we fall on the traps the AHs create for themselves to cover their addictive behaviours, we are caged and doomed, too...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
My AH was a master at keeping his excessive drinking a secret ... for decades!! He never left any evidence, not even a receipt or hidden empty can or bottle .. the energy he put into his illusion of sobriety of amazing. At this point, to my knowledge, he had never lied to me and always insisted he had only had just a couple of beers. Living with his daily unexplained irrational behavior was exhausting.
One day weary of years of his endless mood swings ... I made one last determined effort to find the source of his strange behavior that seemed to center around endless trips out to the garage. I stared at a large file cabinet in our garage that I could always hear him opening for no reason, yet the cabinet never had anything useful in it when I had checked it. Finally I noticed this old file cabinet had about 5 inches below the bottom drawer of empty space ... I opened the bottom drawer up all the way and reached clear into the back - behind and BELOW the drawer .... AND FINALLY FOUND THE ANSWER ... he had put cans of beer UNDER the bottom drawer ... the drawer that I had heard him opening for years while always claiming he wasn't hiding any alcohol in the garage.
Once I found his carefully hidden stash of alcohol, I was able to immediately set new boundaries and face the reality of what I was dealing with for the first time.
This one discovery led to these changes in my life ...
- First, for the first time I knew I was married to someone capable of lying and deception - this was totally unacceptable to me.
- Second, I knew he was an alcoholic instead of the social drinker he always manipulated everyone into believing.
- Third, I finally felt validated that all my suspicions that his offensive behavior was due to alcohol abuse - and I finally stopped second guessing myself as I had for years.
- Fourth, I now had the right to refuse to let him drive our children around when he appeared to be drinking since I now had proof he was deceitful about his alcohol consumption.
- Fifth, this discovery finally empowered my to invoke a no drinking policy in our home. I now knew he had been abusing alcohol for years resulting in a chaotic unhappy home life for our family. If he chose to live with his family, he could no longer drink.
Finding the hidden alcohol provided the proof necessary for me to face the reality of what I was dealing with ... and I finally understood what I was facing, the destructive behaviors of alcoholism ... and at last could stand my ground on keeping our home free of alcohol abuse. I faced many challenges ahead, but at least I no longer felt trapped by his illusions of sobriety ... and accepted that I was married to an alcoholic.
One day weary of years of his endless mood swings ... I made one last determined effort to find the source of his strange behavior that seemed to center around endless trips out to the garage. I stared at a large file cabinet in our garage that I could always hear him opening for no reason, yet the cabinet never had anything useful in it when I had checked it. Finally I noticed this old file cabinet had about 5 inches below the bottom drawer of empty space ... I opened the bottom drawer up all the way and reached clear into the back - behind and BELOW the drawer .... AND FINALLY FOUND THE ANSWER ... he had put cans of beer UNDER the bottom drawer ... the drawer that I had heard him opening for years while always claiming he wasn't hiding any alcohol in the garage.
Once I found his carefully hidden stash of alcohol, I was able to immediately set new boundaries and face the reality of what I was dealing with for the first time.
This one discovery led to these changes in my life ...
- First, for the first time I knew I was married to someone capable of lying and deception - this was totally unacceptable to me.
- Second, I knew he was an alcoholic instead of the social drinker he always manipulated everyone into believing.
- Third, I finally felt validated that all my suspicions that his offensive behavior was due to alcohol abuse - and I finally stopped second guessing myself as I had for years.
- Fourth, I now had the right to refuse to let him drive our children around when he appeared to be drinking since I now had proof he was deceitful about his alcohol consumption.
- Fifth, this discovery finally empowered my to invoke a no drinking policy in our home. I now knew he had been abusing alcohol for years resulting in a chaotic unhappy home life for our family. If he chose to live with his family, he could no longer drink.
Finding the hidden alcohol provided the proof necessary for me to face the reality of what I was dealing with ... and I finally understood what I was facing, the destructive behaviors of alcoholism ... and at last could stand my ground on keeping our home free of alcohol abuse. I faced many challenges ahead, but at least I no longer felt trapped by his illusions of sobriety ... and accepted that I was married to an alcoholic.
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