jehnifer

Here I go again... I know that when I feel this way I can come here and dump, and you friends can offer some encouragement and understanding and support. But I am so frustrated with myself right now!

I am at work with a lump in my throat on the verge of tears, again. I am so tired of having to on a daily basis focus SO MUCH on ways to keep myself feeling OK.

Taking care of just myself feels lonely and scary.

Detaching from my RAH's moodiness, irritability, depression (or whatever) feels somehow disloyal. Yet, moving toward him with compassion is so hard..and makes me feel anxious. I really don't like him when he gets that way.

What am I doing wrong? I make a list daily and have routines for maintaining recovery...reading, contacting others, praying, exercise, attending meetings, even counseling. The things I have not done yet are: go get my annual physcial, and meet with my sponsor and work the steps. So those I will make a point to do.

I am just so tired of having to try to feel good. And the trigger for me almost every time this happens is when my husband turns sour. It really just sends me down that treacherous road, and leaves me near panic (sorry for the drama, but its the way I feel at the moment).

Thank you sooo much for this place to share my struggles. I really appreciate you all!

Jehnifer

silkspin

I think we all have our ups and downs; today is a down day for me too. AH didn't really do anything to precipitate it - yet I almost feel like blaming him because his drinking brought us to this place to begin with. I know that's not healthy but sometimes it's tough to shake the stinking thinking that creeps up on us. One al anon friend had advice. Name the feeling you're feeling, then look it up in the index of one of your readers. Read the one or more passages related to that feeling. I'm going to do that today. It has helped me get out of my funk before, because it lets me work through the feeling instead of wallowing in it.

Freedom1990

My personal opinion? It shouldn't be that much work to feel okay.

If it is that much work, I need to take a serious look at the situation, and ask myself, is this something I can continue to live with?

If I remember correctly, the last time you posted, your RAH was having a hissy fit over your daughter having company over, and was an emotional bully to you.

Is this what you want the rest of your life, to have to work like hell to just feel 'okay', when in actuality, it brings you to the point of tears and is draining you?

What do you owe this man, honestly?

My life has changed indescribably since I made the decision to not have toxic people in my life.

Learning how

Me too. I had to hold may hand up and say "Stop" to my husband this morning. He had started in telling me what I needed to do today and started to complain about DS before I had even gotten out of bed this morning. In my case he does usually respond to "Stop".

Its not a long term fix, but it does get me though the moment.
I think that there is a big picture we must face at some point. And that is answering the question "Do I want to live like this?"
You are not alone.

blessed4x

I agree with Freedom. I am still in counseling, alanon, exercising, praying....all of the things you mentioned. It was not until I began asking for my HP to show me the truth of my situation that I was able to REALLY turn it over to God and accept what I was shown.....and WOW was I shown. Within a 2 week time period I caught my STBXAH cheating, filed for a divorce, and found absolute peace.

Do I still have MOMENTS of anxiety? You bet! Do I have those gut-wrenching days of worry about what I'm going to do and what he's going to do? Never. I think when I moved out of trying to control him and everything surrounding his drinking, and into "changing the things I can" I found a peace and contentment I have never previously known. May God grant you that same serenity!!

TakingCharge999

Sadly, until the pain is big enough, most of us are not willing to make any changes. Until a situation forces you, or something really REALLY bad happens - exactly like the AHs.

Ask your HP for guidance and clarity jehnifer, ask for all you need and it will be given. You may not like it, but its much better to live in reality (although it sucks many times) than to live in a fantasy world. You think you are happy there, but no... its a lonely place to be.

BlueMoon

I know how much it sucks when it takes a constant second-by-second effort to "be ok" --- I know how much it just wears you down --- but it's also the best thing or the only thing right now -- pay attention and take care of YOU and know that these feelings are NOT forever - be good to yourself ok?


hugs
Blue


(screaming into a pillow has helped me sometimes)

jehnifer

THANK YOU ALL sooo much for your insights and support! You've helped a great deal.

My dilemma/confusion right now is this: The spiritual axiom (from the 12 and 12) is that any time I am disturbed there's something wrong with me... SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME. What in the heck is wrong with me? Now do you see why I am sick of me?

I have two options 1) Do nothing; or 2) Do something

home should be a haven; husband a refuge... hmmmm what a concept.

Have a great day everyone. Thanks again!!

TakingCharge999

LOL anvilhead
partner as a refuge, thanks for this concept...

ok it seems i missed the Partnership 101 class... where did we learn so many lies about relationships?????? I want my money back!!

nowwhat

I get really sick of myself too! My therapist mentioned that it's the things I'm saying about myself, more than what the ABF does, that are the root of the unhappiness.

The constant questioning of "what's wrong with me that I put up with this?" is very exhausting.

Thinking of you today.

Barbara52

So ask a different question of yourself. Perhaps things along the lines of "what can I do today to make my life better, even in a small way?"

Freedom1990

I can't do balloons. I was terrified of them popping as a kid, never outgrew that, so I guess a balloon factory is out for me!

Still Waters

I can't stand balloons, and hate being held down and tickled....


Freud moment

catlady61

This is what happened to me, I was going along day after day not talking to my partner out of anger b/c he got us to this point with the constant drinking & neglecting our relationship.

Last week when he told me he was seeing another woman (oh sorry "girl"....18 years younger than me) for some stupid reason THATS what motivated me to start trying to talk to him & find some reassurances that he will stay with me....God its sad that I would rather have this alcoholic man who has lied so much than to attempt to get out.

ItsmeAlice

Cat -
I still think about smoking cigarettes, and I quit over two years ago. I can keep telling myself they are bad for me, they will kill me, I'll stink, yadda yadda, but I still want them.

Ya know what, it doesn't make me a sad person. In fact, I feel better about myself that I own up to it. When people ask me about it I say, no I haven't smoked in a while, but I want to. They often ask me why. All I can reply is that I just do. Some folks will rattle off all the reasons I should quit (I didn't say I was smoking, just that I wanted to). I have to tell them that it doesn't matter, I got used to it when I did it, and I still want to.

So here you are wanting something that is wrong for you on many levels. It's not sad that you would rather have this man rather than attempt to get out. It just is. You've been in it for so long you know how all the buttons work. You've been feeling heartache for so long that you're accustomed to it. Even after years of separation, you may still want to be back here. It just is.

Doesn't make you a sad person either.

Alice