Dry Drunk Syndrome

Old 06-07-2009, 04:39 PM
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Dry Drunk Syndrome

I am having some serious issues with my husband who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. Although he is technically sober, he exhibits the symptoms of his addictions. He does have food addictions. Does anyone have experience with this and can you offer any advice. It has become so difficult and I am not sure how to cope with this any longer. He has outbursts of anger over small issues and blames me for most everything...even things that I have nothing to do with. Please help. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
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Old 06-07-2009, 04:50 PM
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tooblue,
I am dealing with the same issues. If you follow my posts you will see alot of answers from wise souls. IMHO there are two issues going on with my recovering husband. First is PAWS or post alcohol withdrawal symptoms, which unfortunately can last for a long time. Second, is that it's been pointed out to me that he is in recovery but not DOING recovery. The really hard get in your soul kind of step work.
My alanon group says that you will know how his recovery is going when you see changes in his BEHAVIOR.
Even on that note, there will be a time when he addresses issues with such clarity and I think "Oh, he is getting it!" An hour later he is a skunk. It's like a roller coaster. Makes me glad he moved out so as not to be around the very social neighborhood we live in...and ME of course, since this is all MY fault.
I feel for you, let's stick together. If you can't find my PAWS post, just google it, and/or I think it's a sticky on the alcoholism or new to recovery forums.
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Old 06-07-2009, 04:59 PM
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Hi Tooblue, and welcome.

I'm glad you found us. There's a ton of useful information and a mountain of support here. It's a little quiet on the weekends so please hang in there.

In the meantime, I would invite you to read through some of the threads on the board, and learn all you can about the many ugly faces of alcoholism, especially the recovery period. In particular, be sure to read through the Sticky posts on the very top of the forum; there is a great deal of supportive material up there.

Have you ever considered trying Al-Anon meetings, or seeking personal counseling to help sort out the confusing tangle of emotions you're having to deal with? Al-Anon is for friends & family like us, to share experiences, strength, and hope; and counseling/therapy was really priceless to me when I was in a similar situation and had to really clarify what I was willing to put up with. Clarity on what you want & need, and on what your boundaries are, will really help you.

Take care of yourself, and I hope you stick around. Lots of terrific folks here.


GL
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Old 06-07-2009, 06:05 PM
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Tooblue,
Many have found it easier to live apart during recovery, I didn't have a choice, but sometimes I am really glad about that. He sounds so Poopie on the phone at times, good God I wouldn't want him hanging around. I wonder if this is an option for you?

Here is my personal fear. I never knew my husband when he wasn't drinking, so this might just be his real personality....yikes! For a long while, until the big progression started, he was nicer when he drank. Or zoned out enough to not notice what there was to get irritated at!
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Old 06-07-2009, 06:28 PM
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Hi blue, It's not unusual for some to substitute one addiction for another when getting dry and sober. I ate a lot of ice cream, for example, as my body craved the sugar which in an end product of alcohol digestion. I wonder if he has a supporet group such as AA or NA? These can be a big help for him. But until he calms down, you may want to consider moving out - with family, a friend, or on your own. There's no need to be the target of abuse. And just as an aside, he's not exhibiting the symptoms of a dry drunk, He's exhibiting the symptoms of someone going through a very difficult situation where he's still attracted to drugs and alcohol and is having a very hard time fighting it. There's no need for you to suffer from it, though.
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Old 06-07-2009, 07:44 PM
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thank you everyone for your kind advice. I really appreciate the support. I do go to personal counseling. We used to go together, but he stopped. I am going to look for an Al Anon meeting as well. I never know what mood he might be in. Anything may set him off. He voices his complaint - I try to fix the issue, but the anger persists and a new issue arises. He sometimes tries to be nice...never apologizes for his behavior..but it is brief and if I don't respond immediately to the small gesture he becomes angry and cold again. Can anyone recommend any books on this subject? Again, thank you. It has been tough.
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Old 06-08-2009, 05:46 AM
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I've found out that being in a programme of recovery does not mean the A is in recovery. I was completely unprepared for that fact. I wasn't in Al-anon at that time nor individual counselling and in my naivety I thought that if someone wasn't drinking and was going to regular meetings and got themselves a sponsor that it meant they were 'doing' recovery. That kept me in an unhealthy situation for a lot longer than I should have been.. the naive idea that the way the ex was was par for the course and eventually he and it would be better. Patience in these instances is not virtuous.

I know now that being sober and emotionally healthy is much more than not picking up a drink. Al-anons have told me this, Alcoholics have told me this.. it's pretty much universal thinking.

But that's not for you to take on board.. you haven't caused this, you can't change him and you certainly can't cure him. I would recommend attending Al-anon and maybe getting some individual therapy. Time to put the focus back on you. :ghug
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Old 06-08-2009, 05:51 AM
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Originally Posted by joedris View Post
Hi blue, It's not unusual for some to substitute one addiction for another when getting dry and sober. I ate a lot of ice cream, for example, as my body craved the sugar which in an end product of alcohol digestion. I wonder if he has a supporet group such as AA or NA? These can be a big help for him. But until he calms down, you may want to consider moving out - with family, a friend, or on your own. There's no need to be the target of abuse. And just as an aside, he's not exhibiting the symptoms of a dry drunk, He's exhibiting the symptoms of someone going through a very difficult situation where he's still attracted to drugs and alcohol and is having a very hard time fighting it. There's no need for you to suffer from it, though.
You say he's not exhibiting symptoms of a dry drunk. When does it become a dry drunk? In a year? Two? As I understand it, a dry drunk is when an alcoholic is not drinking, yet also not growing in recovery. They got rid of the symptom of their problem (drinking) but have not addressed the reasons behind it. In my opinion, someone in recovery and working the steps would not be blaming others for every little thing.

For instance, when my AH accused me of sabotaging his recovery I knew he was a dry drunk, with no active recovery at all.

Blue - there are recovery houses available for him, should you feel the need for some space while he's sorting himself out. Do a search for Oxford Houses.
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Old 06-08-2009, 06:10 AM
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I thought that my ex, who had allegedly done the steps before and was over 2 years without a drink.. going to two meetings a week.. and got himself a sponsor, was in recovery. Then little things started to creep back in.. slowly and surely. I wondered whether he was really committed to not only not drinking but even more importantly doing his moral inventory, admitting the exact nature of his wrongs, being ready to let the defects of character go and humbly asking his HP to remove his shortcomings. I wondered whether this would ever change.. was right now really it.

I knew he hadn't even truly got on the first rung of the ladder when he constantly took my inventory, pointed out my defects of character and yet seemingly had none of his own.. and the lightbulb.. when he mocked that I had come to accept and believe that there was a power greater than mine and that I had turned my will and my life over to it/the HP/Universe/whatever you would call it and its care. He laughed at me and mocked me. By doing so he laughed at and mocked the very foundations of the programme he was supposed to be working.

I remember once suggesting my ex explore therapy as a way of looking at way lay beneath. He did go for three sessions and then said he didn't need it and he only needed AA. I probably knew then it was doomed. It's not going to get better until he wants to get better and takes steps to make it better.. until he reaches out and says I don't want to do this anymore I need help. Meanwhile it is going to chip away at you.

Sorry... I just read your latest post where you say you are getting support/help. Good for you for getting support through counselling and Al-anon.. keep going back.
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Old 06-08-2009, 09:16 AM
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I just want to thank all the contributors to this thread. Today my head feels like it's about to explode off my body with frustration at my situation. I am so very angry with my abf -who i feel that i no longer want in my life and have told him that but he won't accept it-

He asked me why I wanted to finish it and i told him honestly that it was becuase of his dry drunk behaviour but he just wouldnt accept it and blames me for making him behave like that. I am so angry because Ihave lost out to a condition i have no way of apealing to or saying my bit to. In many ways it would be easier if he had left me for another woman, then at least i would have a damn good reason and a physical object to vent my anger at but a condition? how do you vent at a condition? And I am angry becaus i feel he has chosen this condition over me, it feels like betrayal.

It's been wonderful to hear your thoughts about your partners and ex's attitudes towards recovery ( or non recovery ) I think when my BF said last week that he didn't mind going to AA and listening, he found it quite interesting, but that he didn't really like the 'little rituals' they did, i think i realised then that he just wasn't commited to recovery and in fact even though he was telling me that he was definatly getting recovered, his behaviour and attitute showed me that he wasn't although i expect that in his mind, he really and genuinly believes that he is..it's just another form of denial.

I just feel that there is no hope.. there is nothing i can do or should try to do. I have to chuck in the towel as i can't deal with the dry drunk behaviour any more, it's destroying my own recovery from so dependancy -the condition is the winner and that hurts more than i can bare today. I feel so awful.
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Old 06-08-2009, 09:34 AM
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A couple things come to mind Bella, reading your last comment:

The addiction IS the other woman. He might be as committed to recovery as he's capable of being right now, at this point in his life...my AH says he's "fixed", yet the crazy behavior is still there. So, I have to respect his decisions. If he's fixed then he's fixed, but his actions aren't anything I can live with.

I feel sometimes, that in a way I left for both of us. I too was being blamed for his behavior - so, it should be healthier for him without me there right? This was the last thing I could do for him, in my mind...get out of his way and let him get on with it.

Also, just because you can't deal with his behavior now, doesn't mean that he won't "get it" later. Just remember to watch his actions, not listen to his words.
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Old 06-08-2009, 10:02 AM
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Your right of course still waters.. and funnily enough when he told me today that he had sacrificed so much for me and that i'd done nothing but treat him badly for it and that it was about time i made a few sacrifices of my own. I told him i was going to be making the biggest sacrifice of all becuase it was obvious to me, him and everyone that i was bad for him that i couldn't possibly help him to recover whilst with him, so my sacrifice to him was by graciously bowing out of his life and letting him get on with the act of recovery in peace. At the time i meant it in a sarcastic way but now, i'm thinking that it wasn't being sarcastic at all, it was just being extreemly truthful.
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Old 06-08-2009, 12:28 PM
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Thank you everyone for your wisdom and great advice. I have been reading as much as I can about this topic. I too, thought because he was not drinking or using drugs that he was in recovery. I now know this not to be true. I have to try and remember that I cannot control his choices, only my own. I try to do things to empower myself and the children.

He does not go to meetings and has not worked the program. I just think he learned not to drink and drug. He rarely takes responsibility for any wrong doing, never apologizes, has a lot of anger and has no barometer for his anger. Everything is a 9 or 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. (If I purchased too many groceries, I am wasteful, not enough groceries...nothing to eat; He most recently accused me of taking up too much space in the closet, but he was irate about the situation.) He was angry because I was became really sick with the flu and had to be admitted to the hospital. I asked him to bring a bag for me and he said it was not convenient. After he gets angry he will be very cold and distant and then not speak to me for a couple of days, or be hostile. I am really exhausted. Some days, I just wake up shaking because I wonder what type of day it will be today. It is so ironic, because I am a really strong and disciplined person. I think that is what initially attracted my husband to me. However now he resents those traits. I am athletic and I run. He used to run as well, but no longer. He does not support me in my running. I am giving details, because I just want those reading to perhaps recognize their own situation and not feel alone, or perhaps give me some additional advice on how to deal with these issues. Any thoughts are welcome. Thank you to all of you. You have been blessings to me. I am forever grateful not to feel alone in this situation.
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Old 06-08-2009, 12:51 PM
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There's abstinence and there's addiction treatment (recovery). Abstinence changes one thing addiction treatment changes everything.
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:21 PM
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Tooblue, what if this is just who he is? What if this is the person he's become, unfortunately, and is the person he's going to be for the rest of his life?

Thinking deeply about what I wanted out of life, and about whether the person I was with HELPED with those plans or HURT those plans, was vital to regaining my happiness.

I do it still, and it still serves me.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:24 PM
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Tooblue, i'd like to give you a hug.. what you have described is my life, my thoughts and my feelings only more eloquently than i have done. XX
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:49 PM
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Bella

Hugs back to you Bella. Your words and message touched me as well. I hope you have some peace today. You are not alone. XO
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Old 06-08-2009, 04:39 PM
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My mother has been sober for over 30 years. She's sponsored too many people to number.
She is still the same paranoid, harshly judgmental, chronic complainer she has always been. She is the same person whether or not she's drunk or sober. Alcoholic just made it all that much worse.

The personality she hid in alcohol and drugs is now in the spotlight. We can all see it quite clearly even if she can't.
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Old 06-08-2009, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post

my AH says he's "fixed", yet the crazy behavior is still there. So, I have to respect his decisions. If he's fixed then he's fixed, but his actions aren't anything I can live with.
This is exactly what my soon-to-be-X AH just said to me. I told him that I am doing my own recovery, my own moral inventory, etc. Then he makes a snide remark and says "what? and I'm not changing?", followed by "I'm good".

So, there. I had my answer. He thinks he's "good". But I can no longer live with his behavior.

Originally Posted by Wascally Wabbit View Post

The personality she hid in alcohol and drugs is now in the spotlight. We can all see it quite clearly even if she can't.
This is so helpful to remember


Originally Posted by tallulah View Post

I knew he hadn't even truly got on the first rung of the ladder when he constantly took my inventory, pointed out my defects of character and yet seemingly had none of his own.. and the lightbulb.. when he mocked that I had come to accept and believe that there was a power greater than mine and that I had turned my will and my life over to it/the HP/Universe/whatever you would call it and its care. He laughed at me and mocked me. By doing so he laughed at and mocked the very foundations of the programme he was supposed to be working.
Holy smokes, this is happening here. I'm getting mocked. I'm getting the snide remarks about MY recovery. I'm getting the dirty looks.

But my XAH is not working a program. He has only seen a counselor who knows nothing about addictions. And, he's "all good".

brother....
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