Lisacris

Hi, I'm new here...but not new to the life of alcoholism and drug addiction. My story like many others is pretty much text book. Well, almost. I met my abf believe it or not when we were 5yrs. old, in kindergarten! He was the one that pulled my ponytails, chased me and made me fall down and scrap my knee, pulled my dress up...you get the story...we hung out all thru grammer school and part of high school, we did the whole teenage party thing. Living at the shore in the summer time there were many parties on the beach, on the boat, at someone's summer home. He got kicked out of high school and sent to an alternative school in 10th grade. We pretty much lost touch after that. I graduated, grew up, stopped partying, moved away, got married, had babies, had a career, moved out of state, and moved back to NJ in 2005. He didn't graduate, didn't stop partying, got married, had two children, stayed in this small town and drank everyday for 20yrs. until his wife left him in 2006. He went to jail for violation of a restraining order, two dwi's, and back child support. He got out and went straight to treatment in Nov. 2006, got out of treatment in feb. 07, went and stayed with his parents, stayed clean until June 06 when he was served with divorce papers. He promptly threw them in the trash and walked down the street to the same bar he had always gone to and drank himself into a stupor. He continued drinking and we ran into each other at a bar that my daughter bartends at. He came in with another guy that we had gone to high school with. I had not seen either of them in 20 years. We talked, he pretty much told me where he would be and when. I was in the process of seperating from my husband. Once the seperation was done, husband moved out, divorce filed for, that chapter of my life mostly completed, I went into the bar that he said he would be at and sure enough he was there. We sat and talked for a long time. He told me everything I've just told you. And all I could see was this little boy who pulled my pony tails and chased me in the playground when we were 5yrs. old. I knew after that first conversation that alcohol and drugs were a major part of his life. I knew I couldn't fix him, and I didn't want to try. I didn't want to not see him either. So for the next couple weeks I would "happen to be driving by the bar" before he went in and we would go somewhere else, to the beach, to the park, to the boat docks. Yup, he would stop and get a 6pack to go, but my thoughts were it was better then sitting in that bar drinking and doing shots until he was obliviated. The more we saw each other the more I knew where this was going. I wasn't stupid and I wasn't blind and I certainly wasn't living in a fantasy world. He moved in with me shortly after that. The drinking continued, we started off arguing about it, then fighting about it, then me doing nothing about it, until it escalated to one night of him blowing his entire paycheck on booze and coke to me packing everything he owned, taking it to the bar and dumping it in his truck. I was done. (this all occured within a 10 month period). The next day he called me from work (he has had the same job for 19 yrs) telling me that he was sorry (as usual) things would change, he wouldn't go to the bar anymore, he would stop using coke, he would be a better person. I kept hanging up on him. He came to the house after work begging me to talk to him. I let him in. He moved back in. He kept his promises right up till the next payday...I felt defeated. He continued to do this on payday for four or five weeks straight. Until once again I packed all his stuff and took it to his mothers house. Same story the next day almost exactly. This time it's been two months. I'm not saying that he hasn't had a beer here and there, he has. THere have been no drugs, no bar, no liquor, no drunken nights, no fighting, no arguing. He's had a few beers and I've seen this when he starts to go thru withdraw, he will have a couple to stop the shaking. I'm not saying by any means that that is ok, but it certainly a HUGE step for him.
Gosh, this post is soooooo long...if you've read the whole thing, thank you. I've left out lots of stuff, the broken items when he's drunk, the driving home when he's drunk, the pissing himself, the bed, the floor, the couch when he's drunk, the screaming, yelling, cussing me when he's drunk, all the horrible things that happen when he's drunk. I will say the last two months without all those things have really been nice. He has just now started talking about going to AA or NA. I had to let him bring it up and it be his decision not mine. I've been going to meetings for myself and seeing a psyciatrist just to learn how to best deal with this entire situation. Everyone in his life has given up on him, I don't want to be one of them.
Again, thanks for reading....
Lisa

Ago

Welcome to SR

I am going to be a bit blunt here.

Yes you were. You mention the pigtailed thing a few times. You described all of the behaviors then "went in" anyway. DUI's, arrested for violating restraining orders, etc al

There is no way anyone in their right mind would start dating someone with these qualifications without engaging in some pretty serious "magical thinking" much less stay with him through all of the behaviors that you describe.

staying with him while he's still drinking after these are how he behaves while he's drinking thinking it's going to be different this time

The one who breaks "items when he's drunk, the driving home when he's drunk, the pissing himself, the bed, the floor, the couch when he's drunk, the screaming, yelling, cussing me when he's drunk, all the horrible things that happen when he's drunk"

Thinking he is going to change even though he has continued drinking.

If that's not living in a fantasy world, I don't know what is.

As I saw again recently, "Hope is not a plan". It's just not reality.

Can you accept him for exactly who he is and how he is today?

the one who gets tossed in the can for DUI's and violating restraining orders? and thinks about AA and NA as he gets loaded? The one who wets himself, drives drunk, smashes things up, etc ad nauseum

Because that is who you are with, Neither of you are 5 years old any more, it's no longer cute when he pulls someones pigtails, as evidenced by the restraining order.

Can you attend alanon meeting? any interest in getting face to face support?

It's not a matter of "giving up on him" it's a matter of facing reality dealing with "what is" and not "what you wish was happening" and not giving up on yourself.

Freedom1990

First of all, welcome to SR!

I learned the hard way that it's not my job to fix an alcoholic, nor to hang in there till there's virtually nothing left of me.

My 31 year old AD is quite a clever girl and has managed to survive quite nicely on her own for many years now.

She's no longer that 8 year old girl with two teeth missing in the front, swinging at the park. She's a full-blown alcoholic/addict who lies, manipulates, and wreaks havoc everywhere she goes. I will no longer enable her or participate in her insanity.

A couple of books I'd recommend for you are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood.

Those were real eye-openers for me and helped me to understand why I kept choosing 'project' men, and finally broke that cycle.

Lisacris

Thanks ago for being so blunt...bluntness is what I need sometimes...
I think what I was trying to say about not living in a fantasy world was that I knew exactly what I was getting into, that none of this came as a surprise. And maybe I wasn't in my right mind...but when we started seeing each other I saw someone who I knew when he wasn't drinking and knew that he had the potential to be that person again. I do accept him for who he is today. Who he is was no secret when we got together.

I am attending alanon and seeing a psyciatrist, as mentioned in my first post. Both of these coupled together have really helped me to deal with "who he is today" and what my role is in all of this. Even though I am still clueless most of the time, and I do love him and am blinded by that sometimes.

Freedom, I have read both the books you recommended. They were the first ones my psych recommended. And I agree, both were eye openers. I guess what I see is that when he and I first started talking I saw him as an old friend. As we began seeing each other and I learned of the problems he had he was someone I had always cared about more now then before, who had issues and problems.

I don't know if any of that makes sense. I don't think I make sense sometimes....

FreeBird09

Lisacris, your story is similar to mine. When I looked at him, the only thing I saw was that 16 yr old boy I fell in love with 28 years ago (25 at the time we got back together), overlooking (although I knew he was a alcoholic) the reality of the situation. Reality has a way of knocking you down over and over again as life between the last time (we) I saw him and the time we reunited, many things happened. I too am a woman who has a bleeding heart for a 'lost soul' but in the mean time it has sucked the life out of me, left me feeling drained, and emotionally suffocated by the incidents that has happened in our relationship. We have been apart for 9 months, and against all advice I seen him last week. He put his best foot forward, didn't drink, and treated me like a princess. 3 days later I left,(although the plan was a week together) but not before telling him that it wasn't working for me having contact with him. I said he don't have what I need (albeit my feelings towards him are the same, 'in love' feelings) that I need a man who is committed to God, to himself to be as happy and healthy as can be, and to me, to be there when I need him. He is in no position to be any of these things as when he gets upset he don't run to God, he runs to the bottle, although he is in counseling and is 'trying' to quit drinking he has called me over the last 4 days over 10 times drunk, this last time he puts his drunk friend on the phone to tell me how much I am loved, and beautiful, and all of these words that don't mean anything, especially coming from yet another drunk. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT in my life, and I hang up. I think after seeing him I seen what I don't want in my life. YES, he was fantastic to me, but that only lasts in between binges and I am worth so much more then a fleeting feeling of belonging, of stability. I seen it is a dead end road of broken promises, a dead end road of feeling more for him then I did for myself, a dead end road being intimately involved with an alcoholic who uses God as a crutch and excuse to not make any lasting changes in his life.

Part of me is sad, because I do fill my head full of that fantasy of that boy I fell in love with so long ago, but another part of me is relieved that I have grown over the last 9 months and have been able to realize that he is NOT that boy, but a man with many issues and I can't help him, and may be actually making it worse for both of us by staying in contact.

I looked at it this way, he is camping in my heart for free. He has no responsibility to the relationship, to himself to get sober, or to life as long as I give him a free ride in my heart and stay co-dependent by always trying to pick up the shattered pieces, which is usually my heart after it is stomped on with all the blame and guilt placed on me.

I am reading yet another self-help book called How Did I Get Here? by Barbara De Angelis, pick it up, read it.

Good luck, God bless, and try to look at your man as the man he is and not the boy he use to be. (hard, hard, hard!!)

Castles built on mounds of sand, are destined to crumble.

ToughChoices

First off..... Welcome to SR, Lisacris! I'm so glad that you found us!

I certainly had this thought about my XAH.
When I examined my motives behind this line of thinking, I found that I was making myself VERY IMPORTANT. It stroked my ego to think that I was good, patient, kind, loving, and wise enough to "stick it out" with him. The others just didn't have my skills. They couldn't love like I could. It's weird, but being with my X made me feel better about myself. Not only was I a kind of saintly martyr, I was also absolutely necessary to him - no way that he could make it without me. Talk about an unhealthy dynamic!

Today I know that those other people - the ones who gave up on him? They loved him, too. They tried, too. They got plumb wore out, just like me. I am not bigger, stronger, smarter, or better than them. I just had a bigger tolerance for alcoholic B.S.

As my tolerance for alcoholic B.S. went down, my life improved dramatically. I quit trying to improve someone else's life (by talking about the "problem", listening to the stories of regret and shame, calling treatment centers, trying to convince my husband he should COME HOME at night, researching medical options for the management of addiction disorders, etc...) and started working on my own life. You can do the same.

Take care.
-TC

Rainbowsend

Bingo, there's that word again, potential.
potential is but a dream, the man he is today is the reality.

LaTeeDa

I don't think it's weird at all. These are exactly the same reasons I stayed. Although at the time, I would have said it was because "I love him." While it's true that I do love him, it was my ego that kept me there.

L

Lisacris

thank you all for sharing with me. It's 1:15am, I sit here listening to him snoring in the other room, passed out after drinking a bottle of vodka, because "that's better then drinking Blackhouse and beer at the bar right?" ughhhhh. His friend died saturday 58yrs. old...drinking and drugging had very much to do with his death, we all took it hard, like most alcoholics when he was sober he was a nice guy...
Sadending...you are sooooo right...he isn't that little boy who I adore and loved and he is the man he has grown into...an alcoholic...who I still very much love.
Touchchoices....I think you said everything I couldn't put into words...I don't think any of the people in his life didn't try, they just got tired. And I won't say I don't get tired (hell it's 1:30am and I'm up making sure he doesn't puke or **** the bed or make a wreck out of the kitchen!!!) but I'm here...and I do love him...and I do want him to get better...and I do want to be there when he does, (wishful thinking??).
I'm glad I found my way here...I need to be here...thanks for such a warm welcome

prodigal

Perhaps "magical thinking" would be a more appropriate word for it. You are sitting up while he's passed out. You are going to make sure he doesn't mess himself or choke on his own vomit or trash the house. Why?

I would change a baby's diapers if he messed himself. I would hold a baby and pat him on the back until he belched or vomited, if need be. I would enforce limits on my child so he wouldn't rip down the curtains or stick his fingers in a light socket.

But we're talking about an ADULT MAN here. Maybe he has to lie in his own feces or vomit or wake up in a trashed kitchen. If it's his bottom, if it gets him to realize the mess is he is, then let it happen.

I'm glad you found this site. Please keep posting. But it might be time for you address your enabling because it sounds as if you are babysitting an addict.

Love allows somebody the freedom of choice to trash their lives. I didn't like watching it. I didn't want it to happen. But I had to let go of my AH. For me, it's merely a financial matter of getting a job in this rotten economy so I can walk out the door. And, believe me, I've seen the damage of addiction - lacerated eyebrow, multiple scars, bruises, fractures, DUI's, jail time.

I refuse to do anything to stop the progression of the disease. I don't own it, nor do I own the consequences of someone else's actions to drink and/or drug himself into the grave. Yes, I DO care; but I am no longer the caretaker.

Latte

You can love him, but don't love him to death.

Welcome to SR.

While my first husband was not an alcoholic (he may be now, who knows) I married him thinking I would fix him. HA. The second time around I married a man who I didn't need to fix and I don't want to.

My father is the alcoholic in my life and I'm an addict/alcoholic.

Things are so much clearer now.

NYC_Chick

This all sounds like a lot of work.

Before I found out about xabf's alcoholism, I would call him every morning to make sure he was awake. He told me it was because he was a heavy sleeper. That was true, but it was because he was drinking a pint of whiskey a night.

It's so much nicer not having to take care of another person. All the love in the world from me was not going to save him, and in the end it cost me a lot. Why do you want to live this way?

Lisacris

Well, it's been a little while since I've been here. I want to thank you all for making me feel so welcome. And for all the sound advice I'm receiving. I guess in my own warped way I really didn't want to believe I was enabling him. Reading everything everyone has written and listening to everything I'm hearing at my meetings, I know that I am. I will tell you that he hasn't been drunk in a couple weeks, I am not saying he hasn't drank, he just hasn't been drunk. He's working on the yard, the car, the house...trying to keep busy. He goes to court tomorrow for his divorce and I know he's stressed but he hasn't had a drink today and it's 4:30 pm now. Things here have been quiet.

Lisacris

I guess it really does come in waves....a month ago it was quiet, this past weekend it was everything but...In my heart I know I need to move on....and I need to let him go, my brain keeps telling me that I can't financially afford to break up with him at this point, he does work, he pays all the bills, I'm on disability...I have so many excuses...and the sad truth is I know they are excuses...I want to run and never look back....and I've got a whopping $100.00 hidden away....I just feel trapped.

FunnyOne

Lisacris,
Welcome. I think for me the big AH HA moment was when I finally saw the difference between love and need. I loved my husband (still do) and he needed me. Very unsatisfying. But you said ".and I do want him to get better...and I do want to be there when he does," Well, when my husband finally decided to get sober, he moved out and there has never been a word of discussion about the reasons why. So, what really happened here is that he no longer needed me to parent him. If he loved me he would care about what this has done to me, to my future, to my illusion of spending the rest of my life with the love of my life, care enough to at least talk to me to help me understand and bring on closure.....so, back to the need part, the need for me was gone. Point being, don't be so sure that he will want you IF he gets sober.

I also would point out that you are both in very vulnerable positions having come off of divorce. Maybe you want to go it alone and put some distance between your divorce and your next relationship?

Good Luck