Paulos

Hello all, something from my journal... I'm also the son of an alcoholic who knows what she does effects me but she insists she's always alright even though she's been very bad to me when she drank in the past and that trauma is never forgotten...

"I have something important to note down. I was happy that mom was drinking water and not wine, and I was talking to her around 11:30pm upstairs and was happy, but then ... when she started the wine, even a little, I just got SO ANGRY... I think it's my resentment that she drinks in front of me and she KNOWS she's said so many horrible things to me when she was drunk, and even when she's not it still effects me."

Just thought I'd share this.

Latte

Thank you for sharing that. It is hard to share about how my family makes me feel.

ANGELINA243

Thanks for sharing Paulos.

prodigal

The thing is, whether it affects you or not, she WILL drink. It sounds as if you are trying to make yourself part of the equation in an A's drinking. You do not figure.

I can understand YOUR anger, but that is your reaction. You own it. As to what she remembers as far as saying horrible things to you while drunk, who is to say? She may remember some of it, but she may be in a blackout.

However, you are not in a blackout. You have the choice to refuse to allow an alkie's rantings to affect you. I've heard it all and seen it all. I learned to blow it off. It was either that, or suffer the ongoing trauma of someone saying cruel things to me.

I have made the choice to not believe what I see or hear. Please do not allow what somebody else chooses to do, by their own free will, affect how you feel. I realize this is easier said than done, but it is possible to detach from what an addict it saying or doing. You are hearing the booze, not the person.

Her choosing to drink in front of you is HER choice. You have the choice to leave the room and not watch what she is doing. It took me a long time to come to the realization that what somebody else does is not going to influence my happiness, or lack thereof.

Seren

Hey Paulos,
I'm glad that you can recognize how you feel and can understand why! That is very important in the process of dealing with it. It might help to enjoy the times when she does not drink and remove yourself when she does.

Hugs! HG

CatsPajamas

Paulos,

I know how difficult it is to be around someone who says cruel things and later forgets the conversation. I remember every word and I used to take all of those things very personally... and they hurt.

When I first got to Al Anon, I learned about "quacking". They told me it really wasn't my place to say if someone was an alcoholic or not, but they also said , "If it walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, well then it's probably a duck."

They taught me that I could replace the angry words that were being hurled at me with QUACK QUACK QUACK. If my loved one was in the grips of his disease, and he was yelling at me or being cruel, then "he was just quacking".

It's silly, but it helped me to realize that I didn't have to take his words personally. I learned to tell myself he's just quacking, and then I could either ignore him or walk away or enforce some other boundary I had set. There were times I had to stifle a laugh when I imagined him yelling QUACK QUACK at the top of his lungs instead of whatever else he was saying.

Remember, when just one person in the family relationship finds recovery and a new set of tools for dealing with things, it can change ALL of the dynamics. You are learning those new tools, and I think your life will get better as a result.

hugs
Cats

justjo

HI Paulos

Words hurt, I know!
This is what I said to myself:

This is NOT the person I know.
This is the addicted person I have got to know.

Remembering the other person who I could have a laugh with and share life with keeps me smiling and I hope one day, the person I knew will return.
In the meantime, the person I dont know, doesnt play a part in my life - RIGHT NOW.

Luv JJ