New Member of the Club
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 10
New Member of the Club
Hello all,
Well, this makes about the third time I've tried to post. I start composing my story then I close the browser window. Courage is in short supply in my house. Where shall I begin? The whole story is far too long for the forum that is certain.
My husband of nine years is a functioning alcoholic. His drink of choice is beer, which he drinks every day starting immediately after we get home from work and continuing until he reaches his quota of 8 to 12 cans. He won't eat dinner until he is drunk. Food apparently interferes with the effect. After he's drunk enough, he eats dinner and goes to bed.
On the weekend, he will busy himself with household chores, trips to the store, etc., until 1 or 2 PM rolls around. The drinking continues until he gets drunk, he eats dinner and goes to bed. I can usually tell if he's had more than 8, but no one else would ever know. Suffice it to say we don't get out much.
Last Monday, I called in sick with a major sinus infection and racking cough. He took me to urgent care, where I got antibiotics and cough medicine. He takes me back home and then goes to work. We had been having trouble with the air conditioning off and on in our apartment for a while, so after battling this illness and being uncomfortably warm; my temper was not at all stable. I have major depressive disorder as well (I do take Zoloft, thank God), or I may have completely lost my mind. I went in to work again on Wednesday thinking I was feeling better. That was a little premature. So, Thursday I stayed home. My boss called me later in the day and told me to go ahead and stay out on Friday too. She knew how sick I was.
I should have gone to work, because the air conditioner stopped cooling completely. I called the landlords home and had to leave a voice mail. I called the AH and told him the problem. He says, "We'll have to work hard this weekend and get the place cleaned up and then call them." He didn't want them to see the place messy. I bucked up and said, “I already called and left a message for them. I'll do what cleaning I can.”
I did as much as I could in 84-degree heat. Bear in mind that I'm not a small woman. I get hot just walking to the bathroom. At around noon, AH comes home. He had stopped on the way and bought another fan. I already had three blowing on me full blast. It was very hot air. This is South Florida. Heat and humidity are manufactured here. To cool off, AH began his ritual a little early and carried the normal 3 cold beers into his bathroom (aka, thinking lounge).
At 4PM I still had not heard from the landlord, so I went mildly insane. I looked up the number of a nearby AC repair place. The man would be here before 5PM. I thanked him and informed the AH after he came out of the bathroom. He didn’t comment but he continued to pop the tops. I was in my PJs on the sofa and told the AH, “I hope you’re prepared to deal with them when they get here.” To which he replied sarcastically, “You’re the one who started this, you deal with them.” “You didn’t consult me on what to do!” After a few more of those nasty back and forth’s I had to go to the bathroom. Then, he’s at the door, shoves it open and hands me my phone. I despise having my privacy invaded. He mouths for me to answer the phone. It’s the AC guy. He went to the wrong apartment and wanted clarification on which place was ours. The AH (aka, belligerent a$$) could not simply tell the man this, I had to. Go figure.
Anyway, the man is making his repairs and then, AH notices that one of our cats is missing. Oh, great. He had let the cat slip out the door and wastes time looking for him inside the apartment, then makes a cursory glance around outside and comes back inside. I then realize the man is too drunk to look for him! So, I jerk on some clothes and rush out behind our complex calling the cat. The AC guy tells me he saw him. After making my way down the back calling his name, he comes up behind me. Silly cat. Drunken husband. Guess which one I wanted to kill?
<<Even as I write this, it is now precisely 1PM. He’s taking his 3 beers to his bathroom>>
Eventually, the air conditioning is restored and the AH has to pay $400.00 for it. He realizes I am very upset about how ****** he treated me. At around 8PM he goes to bed—or, in reality passes out on the bed, because I figure he drank at least 15 beers. My consolation is that, I am no longer hot and I’m starting to feel better, that is until my landlord knocks on the door at 10:20PM. Long story short, he’s upset that I called a repairperson to fix the AC since he did not get my message until after 2PM. I called the repair people at 4PM. Why hadn’t he called me? He wanted to see the receipt. I went into the bedroom and for the first time ever, could not wake the AH up. I repeatedly asked him where the receipt was and he finally slurred. . .” on the stove.” It was on the counter. The landlord got the message that I was in a very foul mood. I said, ”I bet every dime we paid today on getting this fixed that you would never spend two days in a building that’s 84 degrees.” He offered to split the costs; but I really didn’t care either way, so I stopped talking. He left. Does anyone think that the drunk in the other room should have been taking care of this especially since I have am not allowed to spend money without asking from our joint checking account? Especially since I was sick? Well, believe me it gets really strange the next day.
I had decided that it was time for this train wreck of a marriage to be scrapped. I was sick and tired or the anxiety, the depression all of it. So I asked to sit down with him a have a talk about things. He had to delay it of course by taking an extended shower and waiting for his anxiety meds to kick in…another story.
Well eventually, I was granted an audience and I talked. He listened and I kid you not, he took notes!! I explained my feelings about the day before and some other very emotional things, my total lack of self-esteem, his controlling behavior toward me and that from my perspective, he would never stop drinking; it would eventually kill him. I told him that I was not willing to watch his life ebb away and mine as well. (We’re in our early fifties.) I suggested he move to where his daughter and 1-year-old grandchild live and spend the remainder of his life close to them.
He then proceeded to make up the following Questionnaire for us both to fill out over the course of next week.
GET THIS:
ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS:
What changes do I need to make in my life?
What is my plan of action for achieving these changes?
What changes does _____ need to make in his life?
How can I help ____ to make these changes?
Note: Changes includes doing something, not only in terms of actions included but not limited to:
a. Behavior
b. Working together
c. Life styles
d. Relationships
e. Basically anything and everything that will improve the quality of our lives, health and relationship.
I propose that we put some real effort into this and meet again next weekend.
Alrighty then! I'll get right on that!
So far this man has never been violent. His disposition has always been reserved, yet with an air of great intelligence (which is true to a certain degree, but he’s no genius). I’m the one that has the bad temper with a side of major depressive disorder for good measure. Both are pretty much controlled by Zoloft.
What’s your take on this questionnaire? It’s just a delay tactic, right? His way to continue drinking while appearing to want to resolve our problems? He’s a master of procrastination. He has also mastered that art of controlling my behavior toward him. I enable. Yes. I am a master enabler. How does he do that? I can be mad as hell with good reason and I end up feeling like the guilty party. I end up relenting, submitting and "letting it slide" just to keep the peace.
I want to leave. I want to break away so I can get control of my own problems. I can never do that if I stay. Help me. Talk to me. I need to talk. I need to know how to heal a broken heart as well as spirit. His drinking is not the only thing that has demolished our marriage. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you in advance for being here.
Overture
Well, this makes about the third time I've tried to post. I start composing my story then I close the browser window. Courage is in short supply in my house. Where shall I begin? The whole story is far too long for the forum that is certain.
My husband of nine years is a functioning alcoholic. His drink of choice is beer, which he drinks every day starting immediately after we get home from work and continuing until he reaches his quota of 8 to 12 cans. He won't eat dinner until he is drunk. Food apparently interferes with the effect. After he's drunk enough, he eats dinner and goes to bed.
On the weekend, he will busy himself with household chores, trips to the store, etc., until 1 or 2 PM rolls around. The drinking continues until he gets drunk, he eats dinner and goes to bed. I can usually tell if he's had more than 8, but no one else would ever know. Suffice it to say we don't get out much.
Last Monday, I called in sick with a major sinus infection and racking cough. He took me to urgent care, where I got antibiotics and cough medicine. He takes me back home and then goes to work. We had been having trouble with the air conditioning off and on in our apartment for a while, so after battling this illness and being uncomfortably warm; my temper was not at all stable. I have major depressive disorder as well (I do take Zoloft, thank God), or I may have completely lost my mind. I went in to work again on Wednesday thinking I was feeling better. That was a little premature. So, Thursday I stayed home. My boss called me later in the day and told me to go ahead and stay out on Friday too. She knew how sick I was.
I should have gone to work, because the air conditioner stopped cooling completely. I called the landlords home and had to leave a voice mail. I called the AH and told him the problem. He says, "We'll have to work hard this weekend and get the place cleaned up and then call them." He didn't want them to see the place messy. I bucked up and said, “I already called and left a message for them. I'll do what cleaning I can.”
I did as much as I could in 84-degree heat. Bear in mind that I'm not a small woman. I get hot just walking to the bathroom. At around noon, AH comes home. He had stopped on the way and bought another fan. I already had three blowing on me full blast. It was very hot air. This is South Florida. Heat and humidity are manufactured here. To cool off, AH began his ritual a little early and carried the normal 3 cold beers into his bathroom (aka, thinking lounge).
At 4PM I still had not heard from the landlord, so I went mildly insane. I looked up the number of a nearby AC repair place. The man would be here before 5PM. I thanked him and informed the AH after he came out of the bathroom. He didn’t comment but he continued to pop the tops. I was in my PJs on the sofa and told the AH, “I hope you’re prepared to deal with them when they get here.” To which he replied sarcastically, “You’re the one who started this, you deal with them.” “You didn’t consult me on what to do!” After a few more of those nasty back and forth’s I had to go to the bathroom. Then, he’s at the door, shoves it open and hands me my phone. I despise having my privacy invaded. He mouths for me to answer the phone. It’s the AC guy. He went to the wrong apartment and wanted clarification on which place was ours. The AH (aka, belligerent a$$) could not simply tell the man this, I had to. Go figure.
Anyway, the man is making his repairs and then, AH notices that one of our cats is missing. Oh, great. He had let the cat slip out the door and wastes time looking for him inside the apartment, then makes a cursory glance around outside and comes back inside. I then realize the man is too drunk to look for him! So, I jerk on some clothes and rush out behind our complex calling the cat. The AC guy tells me he saw him. After making my way down the back calling his name, he comes up behind me. Silly cat. Drunken husband. Guess which one I wanted to kill?
<<Even as I write this, it is now precisely 1PM. He’s taking his 3 beers to his bathroom>>
Eventually, the air conditioning is restored and the AH has to pay $400.00 for it. He realizes I am very upset about how ****** he treated me. At around 8PM he goes to bed—or, in reality passes out on the bed, because I figure he drank at least 15 beers. My consolation is that, I am no longer hot and I’m starting to feel better, that is until my landlord knocks on the door at 10:20PM. Long story short, he’s upset that I called a repairperson to fix the AC since he did not get my message until after 2PM. I called the repair people at 4PM. Why hadn’t he called me? He wanted to see the receipt. I went into the bedroom and for the first time ever, could not wake the AH up. I repeatedly asked him where the receipt was and he finally slurred. . .” on the stove.” It was on the counter. The landlord got the message that I was in a very foul mood. I said, ”I bet every dime we paid today on getting this fixed that you would never spend two days in a building that’s 84 degrees.” He offered to split the costs; but I really didn’t care either way, so I stopped talking. He left. Does anyone think that the drunk in the other room should have been taking care of this especially since I have am not allowed to spend money without asking from our joint checking account? Especially since I was sick? Well, believe me it gets really strange the next day.
I had decided that it was time for this train wreck of a marriage to be scrapped. I was sick and tired or the anxiety, the depression all of it. So I asked to sit down with him a have a talk about things. He had to delay it of course by taking an extended shower and waiting for his anxiety meds to kick in…another story.
Well eventually, I was granted an audience and I talked. He listened and I kid you not, he took notes!! I explained my feelings about the day before and some other very emotional things, my total lack of self-esteem, his controlling behavior toward me and that from my perspective, he would never stop drinking; it would eventually kill him. I told him that I was not willing to watch his life ebb away and mine as well. (We’re in our early fifties.) I suggested he move to where his daughter and 1-year-old grandchild live and spend the remainder of his life close to them.
He then proceeded to make up the following Questionnaire for us both to fill out over the course of next week.
GET THIS:
ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS:
What changes do I need to make in my life?
What is my plan of action for achieving these changes?
What changes does _____ need to make in his life?
How can I help ____ to make these changes?
Note: Changes includes doing something, not only in terms of actions included but not limited to:
a. Behavior
b. Working together
c. Life styles
d. Relationships
e. Basically anything and everything that will improve the quality of our lives, health and relationship.
I propose that we put some real effort into this and meet again next weekend.
Alrighty then! I'll get right on that!
So far this man has never been violent. His disposition has always been reserved, yet with an air of great intelligence (which is true to a certain degree, but he’s no genius). I’m the one that has the bad temper with a side of major depressive disorder for good measure. Both are pretty much controlled by Zoloft.
What’s your take on this questionnaire? It’s just a delay tactic, right? His way to continue drinking while appearing to want to resolve our problems? He’s a master of procrastination. He has also mastered that art of controlling my behavior toward him. I enable. Yes. I am a master enabler. How does he do that? I can be mad as hell with good reason and I end up feeling like the guilty party. I end up relenting, submitting and "letting it slide" just to keep the peace.
I want to leave. I want to break away so I can get control of my own problems. I can never do that if I stay. Help me. Talk to me. I need to talk. I need to know how to heal a broken heart as well as spirit. His drinking is not the only thing that has demolished our marriage. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you in advance for being here.
Overture
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Hi Overture. You sound frazzled, girl! It's so hard being married to an alcoholic, I know. I am divorced from my exAH. I kind of equated being in an extended relationship with an alcoholic as a trauma that change ME as well. I do not do well when constantly exposed to irrational and stupid drunken behavior...I tend to also act irrational and crazy myself pretty quickly. It is amazing how serene my home is now that I don't have to deal with any of that craziness! Don't be so hard on yourself. I recommend reading a great book by Melodie Beattie called "Codependent No More" which really opened my eyes to how low I had sunk in my codependent relationship. Changed my life. Stick around, read the stickies at the top of the page, vent, listen openly to people's responses, and make yourself at home. S.R. has really been a great place for education and support in my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Happyland
Posts: 193
My take on this is he took a break (shower) then proceeded to offer you a way to work on your relationship. Now you have a choice. You can either complete the requested form honestly and see where it leads, or you can decline and go on about your life. Sending hugs to you. In my past dealings, that would have thrown me for a loop too. I was usually awaiting the big fight and blame game to loom.
btw..welcome!!!!!!
btw..welcome!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Africa
Posts: 65
Hi Overture! What is his take on his drinking? Does he admit that it's problematic? Has he expressed a willingness to stop?
It sounds to me like your assessment of it is pretty accurate, that he is acting like he is trying to resolve problems in your relationship while being able to continue to drink.
"I want to leave. I want to break away so I can get control of my own problems. I can never do that if I stay."
You have answered your own questions haven't you?
From what I have read on SR and in a great book called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood, the important thing for you is to focus on YOU. You can't do anything about his behaviour, but you can change yours, including your responses to him. I know that I have played roles that are talked about in that book like the victim and the martyr, but I have come to realize lately that I am no victim and that I can take decisions to improve my own life. Take the focus away from his behaviour, look at yourself and your behaviour and concentrate on finding your path towards happiness.
I am still finding my own way in living, detaching, separating from my AH. You will find lots of useful advice here from people who are much further along on the path to serenity and peace!
I wish you well. X
It sounds to me like your assessment of it is pretty accurate, that he is acting like he is trying to resolve problems in your relationship while being able to continue to drink.
"I want to leave. I want to break away so I can get control of my own problems. I can never do that if I stay."
You have answered your own questions haven't you?
From what I have read on SR and in a great book called "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood, the important thing for you is to focus on YOU. You can't do anything about his behaviour, but you can change yours, including your responses to him. I know that I have played roles that are talked about in that book like the victim and the martyr, but I have come to realize lately that I am no victim and that I can take decisions to improve my own life. Take the focus away from his behaviour, look at yourself and your behaviour and concentrate on finding your path towards happiness.
I am still finding my own way in living, detaching, separating from my AH. You will find lots of useful advice here from people who are much further along on the path to serenity and peace!
I wish you well. X
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
he is beating you down and will continue to do so. the chances of you going crazy or dying are probably greater than his, because you are being so abused.
i believe the questionairre is a brilliant -manipulative -cruel tactic to make him look superior and rational and to make you look like the one who needs major reconstruction.
he has left the marriage already, dear. if you leave him, remember that.
i hope you will save your own life and separate from him if that is what you feel in your heart needs doing. i doubt you will get any clarity or return to health otherwise.
it's a very very toxic home, and you are risking a major health crisis if you stay.
if you are reaching out to ask others if they think you should follow your gut instinct to go,or make him go, then i vote yes.
however: he is cunning and cruel, and if you try to do this on your own, you will be up against a great deal of power. so if you can find and afford counseling, i recommend you start right away. and you need to go to al-anon every week to retain your sanity and to find yourself again. he has beaten down the best of you, sweetheart.
please post whenever you need support. the veterans here will give you excellent anchor. (weekends here are slow, so feel free to start a new thread tomorrow).
many blessings to your wounded heart. you will get stronger and you will survive this, with God's help. it's time for things to change. and he knows, as all A's know, that if nothing changes...he doesn't have to.
read those stickies at the top of the page...and begin recovery today. you can do this.
i believe the questionairre is a brilliant -manipulative -cruel tactic to make him look superior and rational and to make you look like the one who needs major reconstruction.
he has left the marriage already, dear. if you leave him, remember that.
i hope you will save your own life and separate from him if that is what you feel in your heart needs doing. i doubt you will get any clarity or return to health otherwise.
it's a very very toxic home, and you are risking a major health crisis if you stay.
if you are reaching out to ask others if they think you should follow your gut instinct to go,or make him go, then i vote yes.
however: he is cunning and cruel, and if you try to do this on your own, you will be up against a great deal of power. so if you can find and afford counseling, i recommend you start right away. and you need to go to al-anon every week to retain your sanity and to find yourself again. he has beaten down the best of you, sweetheart.
please post whenever you need support. the veterans here will give you excellent anchor. (weekends here are slow, so feel free to start a new thread tomorrow).
many blessings to your wounded heart. you will get stronger and you will survive this, with God's help. it's time for things to change. and he knows, as all A's know, that if nothing changes...he doesn't have to.
read those stickies at the top of the page...and begin recovery today. you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
What a piece of crap that questionaire is! Talk about trying to make it all your fault! Sorry but I would have told him where to shove that piece of work.
His drinking is a problem for you in your relationship. He's not going to stop 'cause he doesn't see it as a problem.
So that leaves what are you willing to do for yourself to make your life better?
His drinking is a problem for you in your relationship. He's not going to stop 'cause he doesn't see it as a problem.
So that leaves what are you willing to do for yourself to make your life better?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 10
Thnak you all
I appreciate very much that you took time to read this "epic" which I might add is only one of many that I could write.
Thank you all for your insights. I think I will fill out his little questionnaire. How would you guys answer the questions if you were in my shoes? I have some ideas, not very nice ideas if you get my drift.
Thanks for everything...
ghug
overture
Thank you all for your insights. I think I will fill out his little questionnaire. How would you guys answer the questions if you were in my shoes? I have some ideas, not very nice ideas if you get my drift.
Thanks for everything...
ghug
overture
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
i would not engage in any game-playing with him. addiction--and addicts--have too much power and you will never win in a power match. you will never win in any cat and mouse games. never.
the best start for you is to get yourself some recovery started by attending al-anon or counseling, getting your head straight, making a plan and deciding what terms you absolutely require for staying with him or leaving....
then when you are clear and you know: SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
then follow through.
addicts will always outmaneuver us if we don't know what we want or where we're headed.
i agree with barbara....tear up the questionairre and get yourself to recovery. life will get a lot better. but it won't be easy. but it WILL get a lot better, when you get help.
if you choose to stay and outwit him or engage in power plays or roll with ongoing resentments and accusations and dramas....then that will be your choice for your life and you don't have to defend it to anyone. your choices will have consequences and you will be the one who lives the outcome.
so do whatever you want to for you. it is your free will that will determine your future. not his behavior nor anyone else's. whatever you choose, sweetie, will be your ballgame.
good luck and post again for support whenever you need. anytime. change is hard and you'll need healthy friends. you will find many here, when you need them.
the best start for you is to get yourself some recovery started by attending al-anon or counseling, getting your head straight, making a plan and deciding what terms you absolutely require for staying with him or leaving....
then when you are clear and you know: SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND MEAN WHAT YOU SAY.
then follow through.
addicts will always outmaneuver us if we don't know what we want or where we're headed.
i agree with barbara....tear up the questionairre and get yourself to recovery. life will get a lot better. but it won't be easy. but it WILL get a lot better, when you get help.
if you choose to stay and outwit him or engage in power plays or roll with ongoing resentments and accusations and dramas....then that will be your choice for your life and you don't have to defend it to anyone. your choices will have consequences and you will be the one who lives the outcome.
so do whatever you want to for you. it is your free will that will determine your future. not his behavior nor anyone else's. whatever you choose, sweetie, will be your ballgame.
good luck and post again for support whenever you need. anytime. change is hard and you'll need healthy friends. you will find many here, when you need them.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Fascinating questionnaire.
1) Tell me what's wrong with you.
2) Tell me what you'll do to fix yourself.
3) Tell me the bad things you think about me.
4) Tell me what you'll do to fix me too.
I would take his first two, and work them out for myself. Take a few weeks to do this, maybe working with a coach or a counselor. They are the only ones that matter, and the answers can actually contribute to your healing no matter what you choose to do.
I too had to get out of a toxic, sad, sick, endlessly painful relationship before I could chart my own path to happiness. It was like having a knife stuck in my back, day in and day out, and I left it there because I was afraid I might bleed if I pulled it out.
I pulled it out.
I bled.
I healed.
I am a hundred times stronger, happier, and clearer now.
If I'd left it there, I would still be miserable, sick, and probably would have cancer like my sick, unhappy parents.
You deserve better than this. I hope you will get some help focusing on yourself (counseling is great for this - PERSONAL counseling, not marriage counseling) and finding out what it will take for you to find joy again.
Good luck!
1) Tell me what's wrong with you.
2) Tell me what you'll do to fix yourself.
3) Tell me the bad things you think about me.
4) Tell me what you'll do to fix me too.
I would take his first two, and work them out for myself. Take a few weeks to do this, maybe working with a coach or a counselor. They are the only ones that matter, and the answers can actually contribute to your healing no matter what you choose to do.
I too had to get out of a toxic, sad, sick, endlessly painful relationship before I could chart my own path to happiness. It was like having a knife stuck in my back, day in and day out, and I left it there because I was afraid I might bleed if I pulled it out.
I pulled it out.
I bled.
I healed.
I am a hundred times stronger, happier, and clearer now.
If I'd left it there, I would still be miserable, sick, and probably would have cancer like my sick, unhappy parents.
You deserve better than this. I hope you will get some help focusing on yourself (counseling is great for this - PERSONAL counseling, not marriage counseling) and finding out what it will take for you to find joy again.
Good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 10
I have Decided
That yes i am "frazzled". So, I've decided to see a good psychiatrist. I picked one out from my Health Provider Network and will make an appointment tomorrow. I have a host of issues that have never been properly dealt with and on self examination, I am definitely not thinking clearly. The "illness" has really taken me down too, I have to get more antibiotic tomorrow to kick this thing. Thank God for sick leave.
I will take the AH questionnaire in with me and get the doctor's take on things. The assessment that it is a manipulative tool is dead on target designed to keep me busy and quiet while he formulates a new plan to keep the status quo going. Oh, and he made it up while I was talking to him the other day. It was a real treat to see him sit livingroom for a change.
I will keep all of you posted. Thanks again...
overture
I will take the AH questionnaire in with me and get the doctor's take on things. The assessment that it is a manipulative tool is dead on target designed to keep me busy and quiet while he formulates a new plan to keep the status quo going. Oh, and he made it up while I was talking to him the other day. It was a real treat to see him sit livingroom for a change.
I will keep all of you posted. Thanks again...
overture
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