freya

He wishes!!!!!!!!...because wouldn't that just be oh-so-convenient for him? I really did laugh aloud when I read that; although, I do, of course know that it's not at all funny to be on the receiving end of this BS.....My partner's line, which she actually did get a lot of mileage out of at the time, as I knew nothing about alcoholism, was "But there can't be any problem; I'm not drinking!" How embarrassing it is to look back now and think about how much sense that kind of BS seemed to make to me!

Personally, it might be fun, next time he pulls that on you, to say, if you can do so totally seriously and helpfully: "Well, then I guess it would be really helpful for both of us if I go!"...and just walk away and let him "quack."

freya

Chrysalis123

I attend Alanon. It is very rare (at the meetings I attend) to hear stories about what alcoholics act like. In fact I hardly ever hear anyone talk about an alcoholic. What I do hear are shares about people struggling to find peace, mental stability, and serenity.

Sometimes we laugh, but we never laugh at anyone. We are usually laughing in recognition of our own behavior in someone else's share. I come away from meetings feeling less alone and definately not unique...I used to think I was the only one dealing with all the craziness. But after a year of attending and reading here quite a bit I have learned that alcoholism is a disease that effects relationships. Everyone in contact with an alcoholic can be effected. Once I started educating myself about alcoholism and addiction I realized that my reactions to the alcoholic in my life were fairly common and predictable, and the alcoholic in my life did not act like a skid row bum either. I also learned that the actions of an alcoholic are predicatable...read around here and you will see the same stories over and over. Alanon helped me tremendously. I highly recommend it.

ItsmeAlice

I got an eerily similar comment many many moons ago from my alcoholic boyfriend. It was the first time I questioned his being an alcoholic. I'm a born skeptic so why I believed him outright back then is still baffling to me.

He doesn't drink every day. Mine doesn't either. If he drinks, he can be a real jerk. When he doesn't drink, to prove he's not an alcoholic, he can be an even bigger jerk.

He says he doesn't stay out all night. Mine said that not too long ago, then last weekend he called to say he was going to be late (already drunk) but would be home shortly. Five hours later, I was awakened by him drunkenly knocking on the door to get in. They say it's a progressive disease. I tend to agree with that.

He says he doesn't beat you. Mine has gotten closer to that point every year. Last year on a bender was the first time he made threats of hitting me.

What your Husband and my ABF don't realize is that Al-Anon won't reveal them to be anything but what we already perceive them to be...(people whose lives and the lives of those around them are being affected in negative ways by alcohol use.)

lostheart

i believe you should go for your own sanity. I have been in your shoes, i have dealt with the late nights out with the friends only to come home, fight with me and then pass out. Waking up and not remembering a thing but all of it still vivid in my mind. It will drive you insane if you don't do one of two things, 1. get help from others going or who have gone through it or 2. get out before its to late. Your physical and mental health is most important. I am finding with each passing day that this is our life and should be lived the way we see fit to be happy and healthy no matter how much we love someone, sometimes that isnt enough.
I will be going to my first meeting for family and partners of addicts soon.

TakingCharge999

my main mistake in my last relation was believing what he said. most of them were lies or manipulation. go to a meeting. he cannot speak of them. he has never been there. get better. for YOU

jennygirl73

My husband does not drink every day either, (just almost every OTHER day) but his drinking affects me and our family. He quit one time for a whole month! (wow, huh?) So he doesn't think that he has a problem. He makes fun of me for going to Alanon meetings, but I am not going for him... I go for me. And I am going to keep going back. You should go too. I haven't spoken yet, and I cry alot, but realizing that I am not alone and learning about his disease helps me immensley.
Good Luck to you!

peaceteach

Girls, it is not right that your HUSBANDS are making fun of you. That is not love. That is not a good relationship. That is an immature, bratty boy acting more like your mean brother than your life partner. You do NOT have to take that or live with that. I would not allow any man to treat me that way, to make fun of me like that, but most especially one whom I lived with in MY home. I would rather live alone than be treated so meanly and disrespectfully by a lying, denying drunk.

Please invest some time into codependency readings, such as Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" book. I found it so eye-opening, and it was a real education on how to take MY life back rather than let some alcoholic/addict run MY life for me.

ReadyToHelp

I went to a few and I've gone to a few AA meetings. I've spoken to my ABF's sponsor from his last attempt to get sober. Well, the sponsor brings me back to reality. He is very much capable of detecting when my ABF is manipulating me by saying certain things.

After reading Emotional Blackmail and Getting Them Sober Vol.1, I can see it better, even though it's hard to accpet that he's saying these things to make me doubt myself.

A few weeks ago, my ABF told me that the reason I don't have a lot of friends is..."maybe it's because you turn people off...have you ever thought about that?" The best part of that was - he spoke gently, like he was helping me discover something about myself. He was speaking slowly, like I was the slow one. Uh, I don't think so. "And what about your sister? She never wants to see you when you are in town? Did you ever think it was you? You push people away.

Translation: "I'm the only person who can tolerate you. You should be thankful for being with me, and you should accept my alcoholic ways and question/doubt your motives and yourself when you smell alcohol on me, and ask me to pay my share of the household expenses. Ok, honey? That's right, even though you've been nothing but loving, generous, caring and understanding, you work extra hours to pay our bills - it's you that is causing all the problems in our relationship."

And to think - last year - I would have sat down and tried to analyze that as if it were a real statement.

A's are so good at playing mind games that it's hard to believe that they didn't go to school to learn these methods.

Al-anon people are so welcoming that I just wanted to cry when I was there. They look at you with compassion and understanding, and know you're going through a lot. :ghug2

Good luck!

bottleslave

"Quack! Er, that is, I am not threatened at the prospect of your attending Al-Anon. Not one bit.

"However, should you choose to go, you risk being shamed.

"If you take that risk, you will merely discover that you got things pretty durn good right here."

And I, not your husband, would add: "Go get me another turkey pot pie."

jaguarpcb

My husband didn't drink every day. He didn't get drunk every time he drank. He never went "out with the boys," so there wasn't any coming home late....well, only a couple times in the 11 years we've been together anyway. He has NEVER been physically agressive in any way, it's just not in his nature. He's never even been verbally/emotionally abusive.

That doesn't mean I should put up with the self loathing inconsiderate jerk he becomes when he does drink more than a few beers. It doesn't mean he's not an alcoholic who needs to never drink again.

Nobody ever laughed at me at an al-anon meeting unless I said something funny.

:ghug3

Please don't be afraid to go to a meting. Not everyone there has been beaten and abandoned by their alcoholic.

Jadmack25

When I finally told my abf (many years ago) that I was going to Alanon, his comments were about how I was "publicly telling people he was a drunk, shaming and making a fool of him". This was from someone who staggered down the streets of town, fell off bar stools or fell asleep on them, vomited into gutters, had been thrown out of nearly every bar, hotel and nightclub in town and "publicly" cheated on me with a couple of sl**s that others actually called dogs.

I ceased going after he turned up drunk at a couple of our meetings and it was necessary to call the police to remove him. I decided that those people didn't need any more hassles, so that was it for me as there were no other meetings he didn't know about. I did keep in touch for about 2 years, by phone and secret visits to some of the members homes, kept reading "one day at a time" and "Courage to change which also helped.
Lurked on SR for months, read posts and learned so much from those in the same boat, til I felt I had to be part of this group and finally joined. Best thing I ever did for me, and I guess also for him, as I got the strength to say "ENOUGH", and stick to it after so long pussyfooting around. He got real help and has been sober and in counseling for over 4 months and has supported me thru some bad times eg, heart attack and being homeless for a while. This support would never have been given had he not changed at all, and had still been drinking - of that I am positive.

I leave him in God's hands now, and take responsibility for me.

gowest

Some people who go to Al-Anon don't even have an alcoholic in their life.
No one judges you for why you go. If YOU feel that YOU will get something out of the meetings that is all that really matters.

ReadyToHelp

I saw one of the sponsors at an Alanon I'd gone to a few times in the street. She didn't speak, maybe because I didn't realize who she was until I'd passed her. She has a gentle face and kind eyes. I wish I'd smiled at her. I think she smiled but she had an expression on her face that you could take as a smile or as a plain expression.

No one judges you. I'd rather get feedback regarding resources or books people have read that pertain to the situation, but hey, I guess it's just a place to vent.

I saw a woman with whom I was going to do a business transation at one of the meetings. It was wild. She just seemed so 'together' and even a little authoritative, but was down to earth when we stood outside trying to figure out how to get into the building.

I think I may return, but I have a bad feeling I'll just cry because I pity the guy so much. I think his rock bottom will happen right after I ask him to leave. How awful is that??

Good luck!!:ghug

Glenna9802

Sounds like your husband is speaking out of fear. Mine thinks Al-Anon is a place where women go to advise each other how to leave their alcoholic spouses. They are missing out on what it's really all about.

JoBloggs

Hi dlbysnd39. Mine has spent over a decade telling me that I am crazy for thinking he has a drinking problem. He doesn't drink every day although he does drink most days, but he only gets very drunk a couple of days a week, he has never hit me, but he has punched windows and walls, and truth be told, I am scared of him as soon as he has one drink. He goes through bad times when he drinks more and better times when he drinks less. I think SR has helped me to see the reality of what I live with - because it's what other women describe here - and how unacceptable it is. Please reach out and get some help for yourself.

itisatruth

I hope you go soon.......for you.

My Thursday night Alanon meeting is always one of the best parts of my week. The kindness, understanding, hugs, love, and compassion - not to mention recovery - I get at my meetings and the friends I have made are INVALUABLE to me. I wish I would have started going much, much earlier.

My AH knew it was good for me to go....even though it's hard for him to accept sometimes....he just doesn't know what to do with the changes in our relationship, the changes in me -- not yet. But then I'm no longer doing it for him; I'm doing it for me. Hugs~

CatsPajamas

One of the things I love most about Al Anon is that no one asks me why I am there. Never in 15 yrs has anyone asked me WHO my A was or what was going on in my life for me to "qualify" to be there. When I walk in the room and sit down, they presume I belong there.

I remember when my ex threw a hissy fit that I was going to Al Anon - his ego was so huge he could only think that we would all be talking about him. He didn't know the part about how we keep the focus on ourselves and NOT on the alcoholic.

My ex actually attended a few meetings. When it came his time to share he talked about me and about how much I misunderstood him. God love the people at that meeting... they let him talk and they didn't even laugh HIM out of the room. A few of them told me later that they wondered who it was he was holding hostage...

Setting my boundaries and going to meetings were some of my first steps in taking care of ME. Al Anon saved my life. It's really that simple.