Blondie

Had some insight the other day into my marriage. My STXAH always seemed to "play with my head". I thought he didn't realize that he was doing it, but I have come to the conclusion that he knew EXACTLY what he was doing (his father loved to play with people's minds too and isn't ashamed to admit it). Now my STXAH is in therapy and called me the other day and he was talking about his therapist. He says he enjoys the sessions, and always leaves her each week with a question to "play with her mind" to see if she'll answer - and she always does. Last week's question he asked her is if she liked the toilet seat up or down. And she answered the question. She seems to answer his question every week and he seems to get the last word or thought in. I would never do this to my therapist as it seems a waste of time and very disrespectful really.

Now this got me to thinking about our marriage. It has occured to me that he always knew what he was doing when he manipulated me and I do believe that he does this to people (especially women) to have some type of control over them. I look back at a lot of incidents and can see where I LET him control me. There are times when he knew how to hurt me by playing a cat and mouse game - he enjoyed it and I usually ended up looking crazy and hurt. Flirting with other women in front of my face is one - and then denying that he did it and saying I was to sensitive. I hate mind games - so childish and abusive.

tallulah

Yep yep..

And it sounds like you have had experience of the old 're-write history and have 'em second guessing themselves' shuffle..

kj3880

Very manipulative and silly behavior. And who is the real loser of this mind-game, though??? The therapist making about 50 bucks an hour to listen to him play around and waste his own time and money, or your STXAH, who is paying money and taking time out of his precious life to play a childish game with someone he's paying to help him??? Goofiness just never ends, does it?
Love,
KJ

MissFixit

Childish behavior for sure.

I bet the therapist is aware of what he is doing and takes notes about the lack of maturity/manipulation. Not that it is any of my business.

Still Waters

Mental abuse, if you ask me (in a marriage).

Janitw

Hmmm...Narcisist comes to my mind with this thread...

Freedom1990

My question is why did you bother to stay on the phone and listen to the entire conversation about what silly games he 'plays' with his therapist?

I have no desire to listen to people bragging about childish crap like that.

GiveLove

Good point there, don't you think Blondie? Are you getting anything good out of listening to his bragging & bullsh*t ?

His behavior is definitely narcissistic. "Look what I can make other people do" (answer my questions, send me their picture, pay attention to me in a bar, stay married to me even though I treat 'em like a dog) I had one of those once too. Ick-a-bick.

ReadyToHelp

It is aggravating to have afterthoughts about something an A has done to us. I know I think back of when my ABF moved in and I told him he didn't have to pay any rent, I'd give him money to buy our food (he loves to cook) and I'd give him money to take a cab home from work (he's a waiter and gets off late at night). (Now that I believe he makes a lot more than he claims to make, I can say...WTF???)

OK, don't punch me. I know I was completely wrong and the biggest and "best" enabler he's ever met.


But you have to forgive yourself for being tricked and maniuplated and for falling for the games. I forgave myself a few weeks ago for falling for his games and being tricked into this You're The One Who Saved Me crap. It was love and compassion and caring, and trust and believing he could and would stop drinking. It was not knowing about his history (until last weekend when his brother visited and told me a bunch of horror stories about his pitiful drunken moments), so I didn't know what I was getting into.

Forgiveness is a way you can release all the stuff he did, and the hurt that you hold may be holding onto.

I focus now on my self image and how I am changing who I believed I was (his other half, his one and only, his soulmate, The One) to who I really am (the woman who deserves a lot more than this rediculousness, who doesn't fall for mind games, who does not take responsibility for anyone's welfare and who will let him go even though he said I'm the reason he's alive).

We give energy to what we focus on.

With that said, I'm going to go read a book on self-esteem and responsibility, then visualize our breakup so when the moment comes, it won't be as scary as it seems right now!

Good luck. :ghug2

kj3880

Readytohelp, when will you be changing your name to readytogo!?! It sure sounds like the time is ripe and you're prepared to me!
Love,
KJ

bluejay6

i agree.....pathological narcissism. makes me shudder.

i'm so sorry. find some loving people for your life and treat yourself with lovingkindness, ok?

there's a book called "the wizard of oz and other narcissists". i think you'll see him on every page!

ReadyToHelp

KJ, it's interesting to see where my mind was when I signed up for an account on this site. A few months ago I realized that I was in the EnablerMode big time - ready to help, someone show me what to do!

That's one reason I have to sign my posts "AlmostReadyTo...stop the madness!"

Blondie

I did listen to him because while he was telling me all of that I slowly realized that he KNEW what he was doing to HER and it occurred to me that he KNEW what he was doing to me AND that he enjoyed it! I wanted to hear more about how he liked to manipulate her and I used it to apply to his treatment of me (and all women). It's like I heard him for the first time - clearly. He hurt me on purpose. And had fun doing it. He does it because he is so insecure in himself and uses people. I realized that I let him manipulate me with the threat of his anger for years. I was so afraid of him! But at the same time I felt sorry for him. I found myself keeping my opinions to myself, dressing to please him, and even growing my hair longer to please him. But it was NEVER enough and never will be enough. It was crazy! I got a book from the library about gaslighting and that is him to a tee - and me. Throw in the alcohol and there you go - craziness for two.:wtf2

Narcissism is right on the money (I had read that book a few months ago). I know what that means - it is highly unlikely that he will ever recover, because narcissist usually don't. It's like which came first the alcoholism or the narcissism? But it doesn't really matter does it - it is what it is and trying to understand it will only drive me crazy and is a waste of time.

ReadyToHelp

I guess it was good to listen to him and realize who he really is.

What I colored in is so much my situation, or was. Wow. My best friend told me today that my ABF is manipulative, rude and disrespectful towards me (but in public he's a gentleman) because that's who he is PLUS he's an A. So, if he stopped drinking, he still would take advantage of my good naturedness. Sigh.

Blondie, when you wrote that a narcissist usually doesn't recover, do you mean from alcoholism or from being a narcissist? Or do I have my Denial-Glasses on and my A Narcissist BF won't stop being an A because he's a narcissist and that's what you've written and I don't want to read it that way?

(Is the book called Gaslighting?)

Blondie

I was talking about Narcissism not being cured because a Narcissist rarely (if ever) will admit that THEY have problem. They just think the problem is with their spouse - never giving enough, never affectionate enought etc.

I know Gaslighting is in the title - I'll have to bring it tomorrow and check the title and author. It is interesting.