ariesgirl

I am new to the forum and didn't see any recent posts on this subject, so I want to throw this out there to get some feedback.

My husband is an alcoholic, and lately his drinking has gotten worse. He has not been working this summer because he is finishing his doctorate and is in the final stages of writing his dissertation. All this time on his hands has led to the worst drinking I have seen in nine years of marriage. I have found ways to cope with it, and fortunately we live in a large enough home that I can pretty much avoid him when I need to.

My concern is for my children, who don't have the skills to cope with this situation the way I do. My two younger children seem to just take it in stride, follow my lead and stay away. My husband is not a "mean drunk" he just gets very stupid, can't speak properly, gets very sentimental, tells long rambling stories, repeats himself...in short, he's really annoying and eventually falls down and passes out. My oldest daughter (from a previous relationship), however, cannot stand to be around the house when he is drunk. She is 11, just started middle school, and is at that age where kids just don't automatically respect their parents anymore just because they are parents, they start seeing parents as people and need a reason to respect them (that's just my take on adolescence). Anyway, she has no respect for him, and gets terribly upset when he drinks. Last night he was drunk and she went to ask him a question and he just started laughing. She came upstairs to my room and started crying about how she can't stand to come home to this kind of atmosphere. Is it fair for me to stay when my husband's problem is affecting the children? I worry that the younger children only take it in stride because it is all that they know (which saddens me on a whole other level) but that eventually, all the children will lose respect for their father. Worse, what if they follow in his footsteps? After all, he is a successful man, professionally, they might think that alcohol has not really had a negative affect on him.

Any advice, feedback, similar stories would be appreciated.

I'm really glad I found this forum.

constant

Welcome,

I too have three children, one who is 12 and I have worried about it a lot. There is an al-anon for kids called al-ateen. Maybe you could check in your area for a meeting.

I have talked with my oldest and he is aware of his dads drinking. Some time back he thought that his father and I might get a divorce and that had opened the door for discussion. I tried to explain that he doesn't know what he does when he is drinking and that IF he couldn't stop that it wasn't fair for us to keep living it, but it was a sickness not intentional to hurt us.

You would be surprised at how much they already know. My 8 year old commented on how my hubby has been doing really good at not drinking beer. They know.

Try your local library or post the question on our forum here for the doc.

Best of luck to you
Constant

Ann

Airiesgirl

I just want to welcome you and suggest that you just make yourself comfortable and take a read around. The Powerposts at the top of the Al-Anon and Nar-Anon boards offer some great info from members here.

I don't know what to suggest about your children, but others will be along to offer their experience. Have you been to any Al-Anon face to face meetings? Many of us go to meetings as well as posting here and find it helps immensely. Also, your oldest daughter might benefit from Ala-teen.

The thing is that we can do nothing to change the addict or alcoholic - only they can do that when they are ready.

But we can do many things to help ourself and live happy lives, with or without the alcoholic. The decision to stay or leave rests entirely with you and doesn't have to be made until you are ready. Working a program for yourself will help you get your balance and think more clearly.

I'm glad you joined us and hope you will continue to share as often as you like.

Hugs
Ann

Gabe

it sure does affect the children. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and was also married to an alcoholic and share a child with him. As a child, I didn't want to be anywhere near my mother when she was drinking. In the summer, I would get on my bike in the morning and stay gone all day until my Dad got home from work.
And I have watched my son endure heartaches due to his father's drinking.
Talk to your kids and explain that their father has a problem. Let them talk to you and tell you how they feel about this. You might be surprised at what you hear from them, once you initiate the conversation. Let them know that you are there for them. Children of alcoholics need to know that they have at least one stable parent.
As was mentioned above, Alateen is a great program for the children of alcoholics. It might be beneficial to your children. I don't know if catching your husband in a sober moment and expressing your concerns about your kids and his drinking would work, but if you think it would help, I would give it a try. It won't work if he's in denial though.
Try to make the best of a bad situation. When your husband is drunk and making an ass of himself, take the kids out for dinner or ice cream, or to the park, or anywhere...just to get you all away from his destructive behavior. I actually rounded up my three kids one night years ago (I have two from a previous marriage) and we all went and stayed in a hotel room to escape the drunken, puking presence in our house. I can't tell you how satisfying it was to leave him passed out at the kitchen table with a mess of his own puke that he could deal with by himself in the morning.
Take care of you and take care of your kids. By taking care of you, you are taking care of them as well. I know how heartbreaking it is to see how alcoholism saddens your children.
Hugs to you and your kids.
Peace,
Gabe

gracie

Hubby and I have no children together but he has 2 from a previous marriage. Those poor kids are a mess from all of the dysfunction they have witnessed in their young lives, worse still, they are now 12 and 13 and out of control. We took them to counseling for other issues and I was surprised to hear them speak of Dad's drinking. He certainly did it openly but again, he is not a bad drunk, half the time you wouldn't know he was drunk but then again, his children know him well and they reported feeling scared and angry. He would often drive them around after having had a few which really ticked me off to hear. He also apparently would deprive them of minor things, like candy or whatever but as they report he always had extra money for beer. The worst of it was before he and I got together. Following his divorce, he drank constantly and excessively and his girls witnessed this self destructive,selfish behavior too many times. I am sad to say that he no longer sees his kids these days, not due to the drinking but because of a psychotic ex wife who lo and behold comes from a long line of alkies..she was having none of my perceived well adjusted-ness and made my life a living hell, managing to brainwash the kids into hating their father and me in the process. But alas, this story is a whole other support group!!! Now they have no stable adults ANYWHERE that I can tell. We have done the legal dance and lost miserably so unfortunately the kids seem to be another causalty of divorce and alcoholic parents. We just try to parent from afar and love them from a distance in hopes they will reach out when they are ready.
You know, R, my husband told me that he has been drinking so long, he can't tell if it's addiction or habit. He said he spent most of his 20's in an alcoholic haze because he was so miserable, he had made a mess of his life and was running from it..he says he was less of a mess than his ex (which is scary in and of itself) so he felt that staying in the marriage was the best thing for th kids and in fact, during the marriage, he was less inclined to drink as he was bailing the wife out of jail after her second DUI or whatever. It was just a big ol bumbling mess! He said that when she left him, he didn't know how to live alone - they accidentally started their family young which is how the obligatory marriage came to be but he had no sense of self at all when the dust settled. He most certainly has come a long long way than when we met but the affects on the kids are pretty bad. I think it's been easy for them to buy into the 'Dad's a horrible man' game, too many times in their pasts they have had to take care of him or worry about him or be afraid of him, it's a horrible thing to do to a kid, to put that responsibility on their fragile little shoulders. I felt so bad for them after hearing how they felt. We made lots of headway with them, as far as providing some normalcy and a home away from home. R never drank around them again after this and they were absolutely thriving with us..but I digress..another topic, another sad story, another support group...
So, the moral of the story - yes, it affects them, significantly so I agree that it needs to be discussed. The kids need to know their feelings are valid and important and that they have some say in how they are being made to feel. I would agree that approaching your husband in a sober moment would be best. Let's hope that he can exercise his intellect that makes him a success in his professional life and avoid scarring his kids for life..

mamasmitty

I feel your pain. I moved back in with my X husband about 2 years ago. We were going to try to work it out. He has custody of the "kids" (Now 21 and almost 18) And I wanted to be with them too! I will try to make a long story short. He started drinking a half a fifth of whisky a day and then goes to the bar after that shortly after I moved in. He throws up almost every morning, and the kids hear this. It upsets me greatly that they have to whitness this. Like your husband, he is basicly a good man. Has a good job and "takes care of busness" at home. Every day I must hear him "justify" his going to the bar. He will say things like "You had a good dinner didn't you"? (he cooks, I clean) I say "yes, it was wonderful" (he really is a good cook!) then he goes through one ot two other things that he has done that evening, then says "I'm going to go have a beer." The kids come home and ask where he is, I point to the bar (which is within sight of our house) I know they know where he is without asking me. They have expressed concerns for his health. We have all asked him to go to the doctor, but he is in denile, and makes up every other kind of excuse for why he is throwing up and other assorted ailments. He is parinoid and insecure. He wonders why I don't want to have sex with him! He smells and is VERY sweaty, has bad hygean (to my standards) and is now VERY overweight! Although my kids are older, my youngest still has one more year of highschool to go. I know he already gets high, I hate for him to have this "role modle" in front of him. If you ever want to talk, I am here. It would be good to have someone who is going through the same thing to talk to!