NEW and in need of some insight
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
HI there,
Sorry that you are going through this.
You have a lot of opinions here, so remember to "take what you want and leave the rest."
My exabf did the sudden about face too. Prior to that he distanced himself from me for about 2-3 months. I had laid down a hard "no drinking if you want to be with me line." During that time, he met another woman, got engaged and didn't have the balls to tell me.
Tipping Point: He suddenly became distant and ugly out of the blue. His desire to include me in everything changed. Then, he quit speaking to me entirely. A week passed and I had to ask friends what the hell happened to him. I thought it was cold feet. Reality was that he had started drinking again with a new woman, etc...
During the time he distanced himself, I asked him repeatedly if he had met someone. He told me consistently that he had not, he just needed space to work his program and get on his feet. We had been friends for 10 years, dated for almost 4 and planned to marry this spring.
My goal in telling you this is not to scare you, but let you know that if things seem fishy, ask him about it. If he gives you ANY indication when you ask or the strange behavior continues, ask again or ask a trusted friend if they know anything.
Miss
Sorry that you are going through this.
You have a lot of opinions here, so remember to "take what you want and leave the rest."
My exabf did the sudden about face too. Prior to that he distanced himself from me for about 2-3 months. I had laid down a hard "no drinking if you want to be with me line." During that time, he met another woman, got engaged and didn't have the balls to tell me.
Tipping Point: He suddenly became distant and ugly out of the blue. His desire to include me in everything changed. Then, he quit speaking to me entirely. A week passed and I had to ask friends what the hell happened to him. I thought it was cold feet. Reality was that he had started drinking again with a new woman, etc...
During the time he distanced himself, I asked him repeatedly if he had met someone. He told me consistently that he had not, he just needed space to work his program and get on his feet. We had been friends for 10 years, dated for almost 4 and planned to marry this spring.
My goal in telling you this is not to scare you, but let you know that if things seem fishy, ask him about it. If he gives you ANY indication when you ask or the strange behavior continues, ask again or ask a trusted friend if they know anything.
Miss
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MissFixit 
Tipping Point: He suddenly became distant and ugly out of the blue. His desire to include me in everything changed. Then, he quit speaking to me entirely. A week passed and I had to ask friends what the hell happened to him. I thought it was cold feet. Reality was that he had started drinking again with a new woman, etc...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Bella,
Thank you. But, I hope you can benefit from my mistake.
He was "getting sober" too. He did start out sober, but things changed and I was the last to know. We were best friends and he never told me. I never expected L to do that as he was a "cheating is always wrong" kind of man.
My intuition told me somehting was off, but when I asked him, he denied it. You said that your fiance is distancing himself so he might just be trying to find his way in sobriety.
Take care of yourself first.
Miss
Thank you. But, I hope you can benefit from my mistake.
He was "getting sober" too. He did start out sober, but things changed and I was the last to know. We were best friends and he never told me. I never expected L to do that as he was a "cheating is always wrong" kind of man.
My intuition told me somehting was off, but when I asked him, he denied it. You said that your fiance is distancing himself so he might just be trying to find his way in sobriety.
Take care of yourself first.
Miss
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Bellaterra, just a quick word to add my support.
I have nothing to add to the above possibilities, except to emphasize that this is a time where self-love and loving candor will serve you well.
You sound like a very well-put-together person emotionally and I know you will find a way to approach him to learn what may be happening, in a loving but self-protective way. If you approach this in an open, non-judgmental way, you may even find that there are things HE is afraid to ask YOU. One just never knows.
After two years with an alcoholic/addict, I think the suggestion to gain some local support for yourself (al-anon, counseling, etc.) is a solid one as well.
My best wishes to you!
I have nothing to add to the above possibilities, except to emphasize that this is a time where self-love and loving candor will serve you well.
You sound like a very well-put-together person emotionally and I know you will find a way to approach him to learn what may be happening, in a loving but self-protective way. If you approach this in an open, non-judgmental way, you may even find that there are things HE is afraid to ask YOU. One just never knows.
After two years with an alcoholic/addict, I think the suggestion to gain some local support for yourself (al-anon, counseling, etc.) is a solid one as well.
My best wishes to you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
We are genuinely concerned! I've been on both sides of the fence, as a recovering addict/alcoholic, and as a loved one.
Just remember to keep you and your own recovery first and foremost. :ghug :ghug
Just remember to keep you and your own recovery first and foremost. :ghug :ghug
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 10
update
I talked to my fiance last night and it definitely helped. He was very open and explained to my why he has been short and irritable. He said a large part of the problem is that I’m working right now and he’s not, so he’s been projecting his feelings of guilt and insecurity on me. This is an explanation, but not an excuse, and he promised to work on being more open about his feelings instead of taking his frustrations out on me.
I also realized that part of what was upsetting me was that our codependency was being alleviated and I wasn’t ready. He had stopped calling me 10 times per day and driving into the city every day to take me to lunch and contacting me via email 15 times per day because he had stopped drinking and was spending that time working on himself, looking for a job, going to meetings, reading the big book, etc. But I took it personally and assumed it was about us.
We plan on going to an open meeting together this evening and talking some more about things. I will continue to take care of myself and follow my own program. I also intend on keeping all your stories in mind as I move forward and never ignoring my intuitions. I trust the man I love, but not blindly.
Thanks all for your support.
I also realized that part of what was upsetting me was that our codependency was being alleviated and I wasn’t ready. He had stopped calling me 10 times per day and driving into the city every day to take me to lunch and contacting me via email 15 times per day because he had stopped drinking and was spending that time working on himself, looking for a job, going to meetings, reading the big book, etc. But I took it personally and assumed it was about us.
We plan on going to an open meeting together this evening and talking some more about things. I will continue to take care of myself and follow my own program. I also intend on keeping all your stories in mind as I move forward and never ignoring my intuitions. I trust the man I love, but not blindly.
Thanks all for your support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
When my AH started withdrawing, he relapsed 2 weeks later. His sponsor said a relapse starts in the head before the A takes a drink. Just adding that it could be a number of things other than he could be cheating.
My counselor suggested that we stop "sniper fighting" and start sharing our feelings. It's a little difficult at first. But if he cares about you, he should know how his actions make you feel. Additionally, it's sort of hard to argue with that.
"Why didn't you invite me to your meeting?"
"Because I didn't want to."
vs.
"I feel left out. I feel like you're carving me out of your life and it scares me.."
See? Just a suggestion, but A's lie and they lie well. You can ask him whatever you like, and he'll give you whatever answer he wants to.
My counselor suggested that we stop "sniper fighting" and start sharing our feelings. It's a little difficult at first. But if he cares about you, he should know how his actions make you feel. Additionally, it's sort of hard to argue with that.
"Why didn't you invite me to your meeting?"
"Because I didn't want to."
vs.
"I feel left out. I feel like you're carving me out of your life and it scares me.."
See? Just a suggestion, but A's lie and they lie well. You can ask him whatever you like, and he'll give you whatever answer he wants to.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Bellatarra
I also realized that part of what was upsetting me was that our codependency was being alleviated and I wasn’t ready. He had stopped calling me 10 times per day and driving into the city every day to take me to lunch and contacting me via email 15 times per day because he had stopped drinking and was spending that time working on himself, looking for a job, going to meetings, reading the big book, etc. But I took it personally and assumed it was about us.
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