anubus

Having a rough night, PLEASE be gentle on me here!!! Okay, we've talked the "tool situation" out for months (maybe years now). You all have point blank told me I need to get rid of the tools, so he has no more contact, etc. I do understand & agree, but am having a REALLY REALLY hard time with letting go, on believing in him. I WANT him to face this dui hearing on april 21st. I know, it's HIS life, his choice.......but it is HARD!!!!!!!! A person just can't run from a warrant/dui all their life!!! He is a sweet person, didnt kill anyone....just a dui, pulled over for a broken headlight.
I KNOW he is in a tight position.......no car, no $$ for4 a lawyer, now no job, and this dui issue which I kinda threw him in the fire by calling the police.....ugh. I should never have done that......he chose to run from it since 2004........I opened up the lions den (as he calls it) by turning him in.....Gosh, I wish I wouldn't have done that!!!!! But hindsight is 20/20........I feel slightly responsible for this situation!! I know, he was already IN the lions den when he failed to show up for the hearing back in 2004..........but he had been successfully avoiding it since 2004....now it's 2009....I was the one who turned him in....ugh.

His tools here are the "bargaining tools", his connection to me so to speak...this has kinda been going on for a couple of years now...... It's "what we do".....weird but true....lol.

SO he phoned tonight, and just talked for awhile. Said his job was done, the place he worked part time shut down....he wasn't sure what he was gonna do. His boss was trying to get him another job, but nothing yet. He kinda talked some small talk first.....weird conversation, I don't know quite how to read it. I planned on letting him do the talking, but he didn't talk.....lol......so I ended up making the conversation. Naturally it was all about HIM...he never asked how I was.
But then he asked if he could come up for the tools, and asked if I was gonna call the cops. I just answered that he no longer had a warrant on him (the warrant was lifted when I called the cops on him, they released him on bond.....if he doesn't show for the hearing 4/21 it will be placed back on him). He said he was gonna borrow his boss's truck, but didn't want me to call the police, because he doesn't have a license. I said I wouldn't do that.
I told him I was tired of fighting over tools, and that he could come get them anytime he wanted. He said he hoped to sell the tools (probably quacking, to get me to feel sorry for him), but I didn't reply. I never mentioned the dui (usually I ask if he's gonna face it, he avoids the question)....so today I never mentioned it, but I did say if he needed anything to ask (so I assume he knows this pertains to help with the DUI hearing). he didn't answer.

I think under the circumstance s I did OKAY.......I mean I didn't beg him to come back (have done THAT before), didn't offer him my extra car, didn't say he shouldn't sell the tools, etc. But I offered help if he needed it. So STILL the codie.......lol.

But I just am NOT ready to give up on this man I REALLY want him to deal with this dui/hearing, and get his life in order!!!!!!

And yes........I KNOW.......I should MIND MY OWN BUSINESS......but geez I just can't give up on him!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!

WHY do I keep thinking he's gonna SEE THE LIGHT???????

mamaplus2kids

If you don't want to give up on him, and you want him to see the light, don't help him. BELIEVE in you heart that he can do it on his own. Have the confidence that he can handle his own problems without your help. He can if you let him. By helping him, you are giving up on him, and he will never see the light if you do the thinking for him.

I bet you felt sorry for him when he talked about his job loss. That compounded with no car, $$, etc., I am sure your heart went out to him. I would listen and say: "I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I am sure you'll figure it out. You're a smart and capable man."

Good for you for calling he cops! Now, you can have a clear conscience that you did all you could to save innocent lives. The probability that he might have killed someone was very high. If someone is shooting a gun in the middle of a neighborhood but doesn't kill anyone, it would be easy to say that this someone doesn't deserve punishment because none of the bullets hit anyone. But, it is against the law to shoot a gun in a residential neighborhood, and that someone must pay the price. This whole DUI hearing is what he deserves. If he runs from it, it will catch up with him later. Let him deal with his own mess.

I hope I was gentle enough. Don't feel guilty. He is lucky to have you as a friend who is willing to listen to such boring and uninspiring matters. Imagine the wonderful things you could accomplish with the energy you spend worrying about him!!

Pelican

I think this quote is applicable:

"Few things help and individual more than to place responsibility upon him,
and to let him know that you trust him." Booker T. Washington

And mommaplus2kids gave the best example of how to convey that to him:
I would listen and say: "I am sorry to hear that you are having a tough time. I am sure you'll figure it out. You're a smart and capable man."

Impurrfect

(((Anubus)))

I think this says a lot... "I just am NOT ready to give up on this man". As you know, I know the feeling, very well. I read the books, my friends/family talked to me until they were blue in the face..I just wasn't ready. I wonder, now, if my life may have been drastically different if I'd had SR or gone to meetings...who knows? I may have STILL be "not ready".

You and he are basically dealing with consequences. He got a DUI. You turned him in on a warrant for the DUI. None of what is going on with this court date would be happening if he hadn't driven while under the influence in the first place. Personally, I don't think you should feel guilty about turning him in, because he should have taken care of it in the first place.

In August, I went to court to take care of some tickets I got when I was on the streets, smoking crack (mostly loitering, being present in a drug area, etc.). They totaled over $4000. I had $1000 on me, was honest with the judge, told him I hadn't done anything about the tickets because I was trying to save up money, offered to pay him the $1000 and asked for a payment plan on the rest. He wiped out $3000 of the tickets because I was honest and in recovery. These tickets were from 2004/2005, and there were bench warrants out on me, but I didn't know it....I now live in another town.

I'm only saying this, because I want you to see how someone in recovery handles a similar situation.

To me, he's just using the tools as a form of manipulation. He doesn't call when he says he will, doesn't come to get them when he says he will. When you talk to him, he has a "poor me" story that tugs at your heartstrings, but he got himself in his own situation.

However, as someone who has been-there-done-that, I understand you have to hit your bottom with him, and you won't do it until you're ready. I just hope you realize that you, too, will have to face the consequences of YOUR decision. I had a very dear friend, way back when, who, when I said "how could he DO this to me", answered "because you let him". Stung like hell, at the time, but she was right.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Freedom1990

The difference between God's will and my will is that my will hurts.

As the others have already said, you'll let go when you're ready, when you've hurt enough, Anubus.

Barbara52

Yes, his life, his choices. Not yours! Pay him the respect he deserves and let him run his life the way he wants too even if you see it as filled with bad choices.

People evade the courts every day. Its not at all rare. And eventually the consequences of their choices find them. It will with your xAB also. His consequences, not yours.

Why is it you want to direct his life? What makes you think you have the right to tell him what to do? What makes you want to ignore his self dignity and act the parent to his child?

All of which are a result of his choices and behaviors.


Whether you were wrong or right (and I personally think your were right) is irrelevant. It is what it is and he gets to decide what to do for himself. Not you. You can disagree, think he's crazy to make the choices he does, but they are his choices, not yours!

And you will continue the same sick dance until you decide the dance is done and take action to stop it.

I want a million dollars to appear in my bank account. That's not in my control either.

Until you understand that your wanting something for him is not part of the equation, you will continue to drive yourself a tad crazy.

I want my xAH to find sobriety. But my wanting it will never make it happen. Only xAH gets to decide if and when he wants that.

Because you haven't learned to let go yet. I pray you do.

Bernadette

He is a sweet person, didnt kill anyone....just a dui, pulled over for a broken headlight.

I read this and was like, WOW, minimizing a DUI! It is a serious offense that has lethal consequences. If he shot a gun into a crowded street but he happened not to hit anyone would you minimize that? To me it is no different. Ask anyone who has lost a loved one to drunk driver. Do they care that the drunk driver was a sweet man when he was sober!!!!!!!!!?????????? Does that have anything to do with them losing the LIFE of their sweet man/woman/child?????????? Seriously!

He told you point blank he was going to drive without a license and you said you would look the other way. And as far as you know he is still actively drinking correct? You seem really intent on protecting this MAN from reality. And on not being in reality yourself.

I am not saying it is your job to babysit or report him, but you are aware that your attitude that somehow he is special or different and therefore it's OK that he is a regular lawbreaker is major ENABLING.

Protect yourself. Get the tools off your property - you do it- not him - and go no contact. That doesn't mean you are "giving up" on him. It means you're ttreating him like a responsible adult and not a child and it means you are protecting yourself and your mental health. Otherwise it sounds like you are back on the obsession merry-go-round, with the artificial cheery music and the spinning, spinning, dizzy ride. You have the controls. You can stop anytime you want....but it takes commitment, discipline, and for me personally I needed local help (therapy and AlAnon) and I just followed directions once I was ready to change.

good luck anubus--
b

Ago

just seems like more drama to me

why not just let go and walk away?

concentrate on yourself for awhile

take a walk

watch the sunset

let go

seriously

If you want drama watch some soaps or like Jerry Springer or something, that way you can turn the TV off when you are done and walk away.

Drinking and driving is a crime by the way

In the ten years the Vietnam War was fought, what did we have....68,000 casualties?

That war tore this country apart, demonstrations, upheaval etc.

In that same ten years I was told 800,000 people died in Alcohol related driving accidents (drunk driving) so yeah....it's serious

No one said a word....not a peep

He didn't kill anybody but it wasn't for lack of trying.

LaTeeDa

The more I treated my AH like a child, incapable of taking care of his own life, the more he continued to act like one.

I will tell you the realizations I finally came to in my life. No, I'm not gonna be gentle, because the truth is sometimes harsh and difficult.

I was arrogant and controlling. I thought I knew what was right for another human being. I did not trust him to make his own choices and take care of himself. I was playing god and justified it the same way you do. It took a long time and a lot of pain, but I finally "saw the light" myself. I am not in control of anyone but me. I cannot drag someone kicking and screaming, into my way of doing things. How self-important I was, thinking I knew what was best for someone else.

It's not "giving up on him." It's giving up the illusion that you are so powerful. And, yes, I too needed therapy to help me get out of the superior, self-righteous attitude that I had.

L

anubus

Thank you all for the replies. I feel better about calling the cops on him, and that really was throwing a guilt trip on me. I appriciate everyone sharing their thoughts & experiences with me, hopefully I'll get to the point where I can finally LET GO. I am trying, it's just HARD.

TakingCharge999

"I opened up the lions den (as he calls it) by turning him in"

He opened up his own lions den. That is just manipulation....
Just keep working on yourself anubus, many times we have learned codie stuff for years or decades, so it won't magically just fly away in a few weeks/months. Be patient, but keep working we are together in this...

((anubus))

Freedom1990

Life is hard. No one is excluded from that. You don't have the market cornered on 'hard'. Give me a break.

When I was 18, I had an academic scholarship to a well known nursing college. Within two months, I walked away because I couldn't even attend classes, let alone make the grade, and lead the drinking/drugging lifestyle I had found out there when I left the sheltered life I had at home.

When I found recovery at age 28, I had an 8 year old daughter. Two years later, I was a single parent of two daughters. I continued to make a lot of selfish choices well into recovery that had consequences for many years.

I also have consequences from my drinking/drugging years that I am still feeling at almost age 51. When I walked away from that college education at age 18, little did I know that today I would be sitting in front of a computer just now getting my college degree.

Since age 28 I have taken whatever jobs I could get to support me and my two daughters. I have worked everything from sales clerk to veterinary assistant to washing dishes in a restaurant for 3 long years to working in a welding shop beating slag off of hot iron and running a drill press.

There were days I was so tired I cried. There were days I didn't know if all the bills were going to be paid. But that was the consequence of decisions I made during my active addictions.

I tried to do college and work at the same time, and I did manage to get 33 credits throughout the years here and there, but I just couldn't do it full-time and work. I'm not one of those women. So here I finally am.

Life is hard. I have a choice. I can either put one foot in front of the other, do the next right thing, or I can sit and wail and moan about how hard it is and stay stuck.

I'm moving forward. How about you?

Jadmack25

There is nothing wrong with wanting to believe in someone, in wanting the best for them. I would hope we all could do that.
What is wrong is me deciding what is right for them, pushing them to do it my way and not giving them the basic right to live their life the way they want.

If their way is unacceptable or unpleasant for me, then I can say so and if they want to make changes that is fine. If they don't then I don't have to stay around. I can go live my life how I want and leave them to do the same with their life.

I finally got this message after years of enabling, and he decided it was worth him trying hard to change. So far so good. Had he just continued on as he was I had decided to take myself off and leave him to it.

God bless

Rainbowsend

The above quote is very telling too, he doesn't know what he's going to do, his boss is trying to get him something and he was only working part time anyway!!!!

It's up to him to take the responsibility for his life, for finding a job, do you really want someone with so little gumption and drive?

I find weak men that can't stand up to the plate and take responsibility decidedly unattractive now.

silkspin

Anubus, we already know what you want of him; may I ask what you want of YOURSELF in all this? If you exclude him from your thoughts for a moment, could you tell me who you are and what you'd like out of this life? That is the type of thinking that will move you into the right direction.

First off, if you wouldn't have turned him in, then it likely would have happened but through different circumstances. Would you feel less guilty if someone else had done it? Would you feel for him the way you do if someone else had turned him in?

Something that helped me a lot was this - you have been with him for awhile (sorry don't know how long) and I'm guessing you have behaved this way for that same time - wanting to help him, bailing him out of situations, trying to handle it for him etc. Has it worked? Why hasn't your intervention brought solved everything? Do you think if you try even HARDER it will happen? Working off of what you said - if you feel that YOU have thrown him into the fire and made a mess of things, then you're proving that your intervening is clearly making things worse. If you can't stop wanting to meddle in his affairs, then at least listen to yourself. Maybe if you step out, he can fix the mess you 'helped' him get into. Perhaps a bit of reverse psychology, but it really made me see that I have no right to direct anyone's life, despite how much I want something for them. Because it doesn't matter what I want for them, only what they want for themselves. For all my trouble, my AH can wake up tomorrow and tell me our relationship is over and walk out. I'd have NO CONTROL over that. And my unhealthy behaviour was actually having the OPPOSITE effect and pushed us farther down the WRONG road.

You ask when he's going to see the light. In your head I think it sounds more like "when is he going to see MY light?" His light is not yours; we all hold a different light bulb in our hands. Stop reaching over and trying to turn his on; instead turn your own on and see what it illuminates for you.

anubus

I am reading the replies, and working on applying them to my life. Thanks everyone.

Silkspin, thank you for bringing out: if you wouldn't have turned him in, then it likely would have happened but through different circumstances. Would you feel less guilty if someone else had done it? Would you feel for him the way you do if someone else had turned him in?

I am feeling alot of guilt/responsibility for turning him in, wish I'd never done it..I feel like I betrayed him..and I honestly have NO IDEA why I did it....just an arguement that escalated. His teenage kids HATE me, his daughter yelled at me "Look at all the $$ you are costing him" (from turning him in.....legal fees, fines, et). But I need to keep reminding myself, that by me doing so, at least they picked him at my house, so no additional charges are on him. He doesn't have a license because of running from this thing (warrant etc), and often drove without one. SO....that would have been another charge to add to his mess. So, IF he choses not to run again (show up for the new hearing etc), he could finally put this behind him alot easier than getting caught driving might have been. I understand I can't control his going/not going....but at least I can look at my turning him in as a positive thing on that respect. He put himself into that Lion's Den back in 2004, and was cowering in the corner all these years.....turning him in just pushed him to chose to stand up to the lion, or run back in the corner again. I realize it was NONE of my business to turn him in, but I can't turn back time, so can only deal with my own feelings now.

I hope that makes sense......I have to come to terms with my guilt somehow.

silkspin

Anubus, I understand the guilt. I have been shouldering my share for many years, not only with AH but going back to my childhood. It's a tough feeling to shake, especially when others blame you. Try to see things from a different perspective. If you saw a weaving car driving by you and realized it was a drunk driver, would you call the police? I sure as hell would, since I wouldn't want to be meeting with that front end when taking a walk with my baby girl. THAT wasn't meddling with his business, it was being an upstanding citizen with other people's safety at top of mind. EVEN if it was after a fight, or for malicious reasons.

So the past is done and can't be changed. You can deal with your feelings by acknowledging them, feeling them, and letting go. Through Al Anon, meditation, journaling, therapy. But if you re-read your above post, you've again gone into a whole paragraph about his legal fees, licenses, hearings.......where are you in all this? What about your life, sitting and waiting to be lived, while all you think about is him and his issues and what he should do and how he should do it? What if, you took that energy and pointed it at yourself? If you tried looking at yourself as another person, what would you tell THAT person to do? Clearly us codies like to control; I've realized it's simply misplaced. I CAN control me, and doing that gets me results because I'm the one person I can change.

Could you tell me one thing you can do today to stop your cycle and start focussing on yourself? One concrete thing.