MissFixit

Active A's aren't in love as you might want to be.

TakingCharge999

Thanks MissFixit.

Its a warped mind like mine, that thinks he is the same wonderful guy again. Its strange because I dont want to accept the ex as he was, is lost forever, however when I am able to accept that at least, it will be easier to move on.

Sorry to bump this old thread rehashing my issues. It helps to get it out.

MissFixit

He'll be the same eventually with the new woman too. Probably worse this time as he is progressing.

TakingCharge999

I cannot believe I am fooled by him. As he is in his Prince charming stage I am getting a front seat to, its easy to fall for it and think "he has changed". He said in the last chat that there was nothing we could do but learn from the mistakes and not repeat them again. As if he could easily take that decision and someone else could be with the "nice" version of him just like that. ARGH.

I remember he said he wanted someone who understood him. I guess he got what he wanted. Only another addict can make sense of him. Its just, an alternate universe altogether, isn't it.

I guess I am another case of believing the quacking instead of the ACTIONS.
The run tomorrow has been cancelled so I will get to sleep later, hopefully will journal and go to AA (its just a few steps from my new home), keep remembering how he made me feel, and keep releasing this harmful stuff.

It is true. No one can give what he or she does not have. Casual sex, binges and love words, are not the real thing. In love's presence there is freedom and joy, and there is no hurt at all. This could not have been the love I seek.

Thanks a lot, you guys rule.

MissFixit

"I cannot believe I am fooled by him. As he is in his Prince charming stage I am getting a front seat to, its easy to fall for it and think "he has changed". He said in the last chat that there was nothing we could do but learn from the mistakes and not repeat them again. As if he could easily take that decision and someone else could be with the "nice" version of him just like that. ARGH.

I remember he said he wanted someone who understood him. I guess he got what he wanted."

This is manipulation. He is trying to make you doubt yourslef and blame you for not understanding him. It is HIM, not you. He will do it again to her after she can't live up to his ideal image either. No one will be able to stay on his pedestal and put up with drinking/lying.

Rainbowsend

No contact is hard at first but gets easier. I can liken it to addiction to cigarettes, the longer you give it up for, the easier it gets. I'm nearly 10 months down the line with no contact (one accidental slip when I bumped into him at a social gathering) and it is hugely liberating.
If no contact is the best choice for you stick with it

TakingCharge999

Thanks Rainbowsend. It gives me hope that it will get easier with time, its been 3 months since I went no contact. Not that much time, I need to be more patient with myself. In fact I am surprised I am doing well, and obviously disregarding all my efforts and thinking its just because of the antidepressants. I am under heavy duty soul searching too.

I just need to remember the bad stuff and use that anger to keep me away and safe. Sometimes I think its all forgiven (of course isn't yet) and I fantasize on sending him this note:

F.
I learned a lot during our time together.
But you taught me much more, during your absence. Very important stuff I will carry with me the rest of my life. Thank you for helping me open my eyes.
All is well between us.
S.


And to achieve what? I am still in codie mode thinking about him and how he may feel better knowing I am letting go of hatred and don't hate him and if we see each other we can say "hi". As if he had moved a finger to make ME feel better these last months.

Sigh.

On a lighter note, yesterday I had a few drinks with a friend, he is cute, and I had the time of my life. It is great to drink and enjoy good times without it ending in abuse, fights or drama, just fun and laughter. I am learning the problem is not a glass of wine, but using anything, drink, drugs, videogames, sex, etc. to get away from reality. Reality hurts, but facing it is the only way to become free.

Thanks for letting me share. It helps me a lot.

TakingCharge999

Someone just told me that exAH does not live in the past and that I need to have the same "WILLPOWER" as he has.

Its so easy for someone who hasn't been there. WILLPOWER? As if he is not in the bars daily. That comment got me. ARGH!!!!!!!!!
Sheeeeeeeeesh. Please remind me / never listen to someone who is not in SR or Alanon.

They can be very hurtful, but I need to remember, they have no idea how this is like.
Its another mask of alcoholism, is it? Denial from the enablers/ "friends" as well. Of course they know my ex as I knew him at first too - the happy smiley guy, kind to strangers, super social. They were not there behind close doors enduring abuse and later be told they are too sensitive and boring.

One breathe at a time...
Another lesson to be learned: my experience is as valid as anyone, and for God's sakes, my willpower is not subject to someone else's random opinion!! I hate it when you swim against all the currents in heroic efforts and they tell you "hey you need to make a little effort"

:wtf2 :wtf2



I NEED to get my anger out. I'll think of ways. I hate it I am at work and have to bottle it up.

TakingCharge999

Another idea/ no contact with alkie, AND no contact with allies.
Man is it hard to deal with gossip and opinions.
At least I remembered how lonely it is, to be next to an alcoholic and the allies, where YOU are the nagging, boring, overly sensitive person and everyone else is OK....

TakingCharge999

Sorry for the 4 posts LOL
ANYHOW, planning on moving on with my day, I arrived very happy, alcoholism won't take another day of joy. Just a temporary relapse on hell. But no. I am back to my apartment now to put some order, play some music, prepare a sandwich, read codie no more. Cry if needed. Call therapist. AA/Alanon. SR. Friends and family.

Repeat, until healed.

TakingCharge999

Sorry today I am using this as my journal.

guess what , I suddenly got smarter and realized “will I believe what a random person that knows nothing about alcoholism or myself, tell me the truth about my willpower or lack of it? Or will I trust my experience and know its just a comment, let it pass, and go on with my day knowing my willpower is EXTRAORDINARY and I have made all the efforts to move forward LEARNING??

Will I believe an alcoholic who keeps drinking has more willpower than me? Is that even logic?
Or is that another way alcoholism hides itself to make ME the one at fault, the one who is not enough and bring me down... AGAIN?"

Great lessons I am learning. Sorry to ramble but I am struggling now.

I send you hugs and I thank you for being out there for me. I do not feel the same sucky way, after knowing I am not alone, and I am not crazy.

bookwyrm

Great Ah-hah moment!

I had a similar revelation - why do I trust what my STBXAH said more than what I think?

Now I just have to go back and weed out all the things he said to me that I believed automatically...(I'm the reason he drinks, I'm no fun, I'm lazy and selfish - you get the idea).

Learning to trust me is hard. You seem to have made a huge jump in learning to trust yourself though - which is great!

TakingCharge999

sometimes I wonder how I could survive these years without the most basic tools. this recovery thing is cool

i hope one day i receive that kind of comments and instead of triggering me i go:


and thank HP i no longer engage, not even for a second.