genrs123

well here is an update. and a vent. its just a hard day.

about two or so ago, i was still so depressed, just found a good combination of meds... but i decided i needed to focus on school and move / go to school on campus. it was too hard online, i wasnt motivated anyway etc.

right before i left, i heard XABF was trying to not drink because he missed me. even with recognized the fact that he wasnt actually in recovery etc., i still, a week before i was moving.... talked to him. about everything. it was clear he was still drinking and using coke- but a lot of the guilt that i had was better and i felt good knowing he still loved me. we had some really intimate and good conversations where i felt i did the best i could.

we exchanged a lot of i love yous and really intimate conversations that i still believe valid despite his addiction... sigh.

we agreed to write (real) letters so he could build his trust and we could keep in touch. he does NOT have my number, and during this time he JUST got my email. after i left, we exchanged emails a few times. he wrote me on valentines day. he wrote me a real letter about a week and a half after i got there. i got it after i had been there two weeks. i wrote him back immediately. he got it around the 25th of february. although i think it got there around the 20th. i still havent heard from him in pen.

however, wed been emailing frequently, all lovey dovey and then he "dissapeared". i check his social networking site, which he usually is on daily. i freaked out. i was worried. i emailed constantly. he got annoyed, but did write me. finally, and say he hadnt been home... and was at a friends house (which i do believe). and that he was going to read my letter first thing the next day when he was home.... i got really upset. sounded so uninterested and apathetic to what was going on with me .... so i told him and got annoyed. he stopped emailing. i think i freaked out some more, and then realized i was policing him about his whereabots which wasnt helpful (not to mention attractive) at all. i apologized. but said i was depressed and thinking about ending it (dramatic, i know. at the same time, i had just ran out of my meds /stopped cold turkey... and they were pending in the mail too long. i couldnt get a perscription since i just moved). and that i just had wanted to know he cared. he still doesnt respond.

so i apologized again. i said, yes i have made some mistakes out of sadness or emotion that i regret, but thats not a reason to ignore me. and that it was messed up. id been there for him when was super depressed and we have a lot of history. and i just wanted to know he cared.

he wrote back: "i love you. you know that. but i cant deal with this up and down day to day. not everything is a life or death situation. i love you more than anything. you should know that" . i wrote him back and said that sometimes i forget, and he just needed to remind me . ... and that when he dissapears etc. it was up or down for me, tooo. but then i talk about some other things- just small talk unrelated... he never writes back. that was exactly a week ago.

meanwhile, today is my birthday. he knows my birthday. its possible that he doesnt know what day it is, but he knows its my birthday.

i really want to cheww him out via email, but im writing here instead first. i just want to know that im important to him. im afraid hes going to stop caring and thinking of me- if he ever did. its hard to remember those days. and theyre apparently getting further and farther between. i just wanted to remember that i was something to him. that he loves me.

i even explained that when i didnt hear from him, it made me think he did not care... and i guess he doesnt. i am trying not to email him and remind him that it is my birthday and how much it HURTS but i dont know if thats a good idea. i want him to hurt like im hurting- from someone not caring-- but i guess he knows that i care about him so he doesnt have to ever feel that hurt.

thanks for letting me share.

naive

genrs-

in reading, it doesn't appear to be about him and his drinking/drugging; rather, it feel to be about your clinging to him to define who you are.

love is free!

who he is and whether he calls does not define who you are.

you are in a new environment at the college and that in itself is unsettling. give it a bit of time. maybe take a break from checking what he is doing all the time and put that energy towards yourself, your studies, your goals.

i would imagine that on a college campus, there would be many activities you could join in. what do you enjoy doing?

as for your meds, are these for depression? are you seeing a counselor? it might help if you had someone to talk to. it's also not a good idea to come off meds cold turkey, no wonder you were out-of-sorts.

is there a guidance counselor available to you at your college?

i wish you a happy birthday.

naive

TakingCharge999

genrs!! :ghug3 hi hon!! i often think and wonder about you. i am glad to see you posting but i am not so glad when i know you are not doing OK

i am sure others will be around soon sharing their wisdom..

but first of all i wanted to send you a cyberhug and tell you that i feel you

as someone here said "people will forget what you said or did, but will never forget what you made them feel" its true..

what is also true (and hard for me to accept) is that we have NO CONTROL of what others feel about us... and how they show those feelings to us

as Ago told me, its the road to madness...

when i accepted that my exAH wouldnt be acting like a normal person, and when i regarded every one of his words as a lie, my life became easier... i have seen that trend with the AHs... one day its one thing, and you think its settled, and the next day SURPRISE!! its a completely different story

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome

the truth is that we cannot expect someone that doesnt have a healthy relation with himself, to have a healthy relation with us...(or anyone else)

just remember:


and you need to focus in YOU... what he says or feels or expresses... its his problem.. please remember all the ppl that do love you starting from your HP, us, your family... yourself... what are you going to do for your wellbeing? even if its a little thing you can do for yourself this weekend, i hope you do it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GENRS!! i hope this is the first year, of the rest of your life, surrounded by healthy people !! may all your dreams come true.

((((genrs))))))

genrs123

thanks. i havent emailed him.

i know i cant control it. but i cant say it doesnt hurt when the person you love doesnt say anything or isnt talking to you. i have put up with a lot of his BS and even texted him a happy birthday message from a friends phone on his.

Naive- im in counseling. i go twice a week. and i sold my car so i exercise too.

it is about my codependency. i am hurting. i know i SHOULD detatch. thats what i hear. detach detach detach. i just cant. and everyone that says change your thoughts dont think about it, stop obsessing.
you can control that does not know what it is like inside my brain, or how taken over it is by this situation.

i used to wake up with anxiety as to where he was but i knew he still loved me. now i wake up, and i worry about both, and dont think he does. its just ******. i know i cant control that, or that he cant do that when he has an addiction

but i refuse to say it doesnt hurt!!!!!! i know i should focus on myself but i am in pain. i am in a new city and i dont have friends

this semester i am going to schol online since i was moving mid quarter.

genrs123

its like my grandad always said... laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

i dont have anything to say about his drinking, its true. i am just venting my codependency. but its my birthday, and it HURTS that hes out drinking, that he thinks IM too emotional, that im too dramatic. when he gambles his life away and neglects me for days at a time. yes, i shouldnt care. yes i should take better care of myself. but i just CANT im stuck. ive been stuck for months. some days the only self care i have is writing on here. ive gone through good moments and less than good... ive tried a lot of things over the past months.

but when it comes down to it i feel like im stuck in that kanye west song, heartless. and im just heart BROKEN. still. i hope that one day ill forgive myself for this because i know for sure i am doing the best that i can.

ChangeIsHard

I want to offer you hugs and Happy Birthday!
I know how much it sucks when it seems like someone you love is ignoring you. But the truth is, you don't know what he's thinking or feeling right now (regarding your birthday) and the challenge is to try not to fill in the blanks with a million paranoid thoughts. it will make you crazy and it's not healthy for the relationship between you and him, or for yourself. Personally, I think he's told you everything you need to know. You know the facts - that he misses you and wants to stop drinking, and that he loves you more than anything but that he can't handle the constant ups and downs. Listen to what he is saying AND doing. I have no doubt that what he says is honest - it sounds like he honestly is trying to sort his life out and you may be one of those motivational forces for him. It does not help when you are reaming him out every other day for not being there for you. And like he said - it's not an attractive quality. My advice is to just consider him as a friend right now - nothing more. Try to not get sucked into bickering - and if weeks go by without contact don't be alarmed. This is just part of his journey. Realistically, you broke up for a reason, and you wouldnt want him when he's drinking/drugging anyway. Be honest with yourself. If you absolutely feel the urge one week to email - make it a friendly update email about your situation. try not to be intense or demand anything from him. Be a positive force in his life. And i also totally agree with everyone else who said focus on yourself right now. Make yourself a better person by following the goals and interests that you have for yourself! it makes you saner, more confident - and a greater catch in the long run. I know its hard i've been there (and am still sort of there...). When he didn't email me i used to take it so personally - but i now consider it his issue - and know through conversations with him that he feels that i deserve better. They are going through their own stuff that believe it or not, has nothing to do with you. Good luck, and hugs again!6

genrs123

Thanks was a really great reminder. i hope i havent driven him away too much, now... yikes.

orviske

((((((Genrs)))))))

Do me a favor? Stand where you are.....reach out with your left hand as far as you can to the left. Now reach out with your right hand as far as you can right. Place your left hand on your right shoulder and your right hand on your left hip. SQUEEZE. REPEAT. (as often as needed)

Your post struck me because although I do not understand your personal relationship with this man, I have walked in your shoes.

My birthday was January 3rd. I remember talking to my babies father (my XABF). Usually when you talk to someone on the phone, and you know it's their birthday, it's the first thing you say. We got five minutes into the conversation and he still hadn't said it. And so I said "Do you know what today is?" To which he said...."It's January 3rd...(long pause)....and it's your birthday".

Same for my phone number. Funny how I've had his memorized for 2 years now. Sometimes I even call it by mistake when I mean to call XABF's ex wife, because they have the same area code.

Sometimes XABF would dissappear, not come home, not answer his phone---it would go straight to voicemail and he would tell me that his phone died, which was his excuse for not calling. When I told him he could have used a friends' phone or a pay phone, he told me he didn't know my number. THIS SPEAKS VOLUMES, my friend.

I know it is hard to let go. I have been in a different state from my ABF for the past 5 months, and yesterday I decided that I am no longer going to waste any time on his feelings......but it is SO HARD.

And it is because we are codependent.....and there is help for us, we just have to choose it.

P.S. You're too emotional? I got that alot too. Funny how my nightly ritual of crying myself to sleep stopped when I got away from him........

Emma38

Genrs123,

A friend just told me about this website today, and yours is the first post I went to because I am dealing with the incredible disappearing guy - I didn't realize it was such a wide spread phenomenon. I've gotten the "too emotional" thing too. I'm not sure how much we are supposed to take before we are allowed to get angry, but apparently its a lot. So then I"m too emotional and all our problems are my fault, and have nothing to do with his behavior. And it always works on me. Every time.

If it's any consolation, your venting helped me feel like less of a freak. Evidently I am not the only one who goes through this. I guess I don't know much about the disease. I thought he was just thoughtless and every confession of love had been a big lie, didn't realize this was normal.

At any rate, your post helped me out, and I wanted to say thank you for sharing.

orviske

[QUOTE=Emma38;2142593]Genrs123,

A friend just told me about this website today, and yours is the first post I went to because I am dealing with the incredible disappearing guy - I didn't realize it was such a wide spread phenomenon. Evidently I am not the only one who goes through this. QUOTE]


You are not the only one by a long shot!!! Welcome to SR, and keep reading and keep posting.

I still don't understand enough about the diseases of addiction, alcoholism and codependency.....but the more you learn, the more tools you have to combat them!

Welcome again,

K