Books by Richard Skerritt
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
Books by Richard Skerritt
Have any of you read either of the following books by Richard Skerritt?
Tears & Healing
Meaning from Madness
In Love & Loving It
Way of Respect
I was reading this website.. Are you Codependent? Find the way to break out.
And thought the premiss sounded good. I just don't want to waste money on the books if there are better ones out there.
Below is the part of the website that really caught my attention.
Are you Codependent?- Overcome the love locking you in.
Are you codependent? Have you been convinced that there is something fundamentally wrong with you? What does codependence really mean?
We end up in abusive and unhealthy situations for lots of reasons. Moreover, we often stay in them for reasons that are healthy, even though the situation isn't. Some people want to tell us that is were are in an unhealthy situation we must be "codependent". The problem is, it's not true. What's more, "codependence" isn't a defined problem that we directly address. It sells books, but does it help us?
So ask some of these questions of yourself: Did your relationship start out in a positive way? Did your partner change after you were in a committed situation, where it was difficult to just break things off? Have you held a reasonable hope that things will improve? Does your situation make you sick, and make you wish for a safer and healthier relationship? Are you putting up with bad treatment for a higher purpose, like trying to make the best home for your children?
If you answer yes to these questions, then you should feel that you are coping with a difficult situation that you did not create. Don't paint yourself with the amorphous label that you're "codependent". Recognize that although your situation is unhealthy, there may be no simple options to make it better. Just because you're weighing the balance and hanging in there doesn't mean there's something fundamental wrong with you. You may have hard work ahead to make your life better, and you may be facing some difficult choices and changes, but that doesn't make you "codependent."
The truth is that in many cases abusers really do make victims of otherwise innocent people. Their behavior early in the relationship may be wonderful, and it often stays that way until a lasting commitment is made. Then things change for the worse, often dramatically. This "now you see it, now you don't" phenomenon is common with people who have narcissistic defenses, and I talk about this in Meaning from Madness (to the right.) Once we're married, and even worse have children, there aren't' any simple ways to put an end to the abuse, because such major sacrifices must be made to force change. This isn't codependence. It's a painful and difficult situation that we need help to deal with.
Overcome the Love Locking You In
Many of us got into unhealthy situations because our partners held up a facade. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationships changes due to children being born, job changes, or other major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning from Madness. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!
At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?
While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears and Healing, but it was so important it eventually became its own short book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we'll be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can't fill those needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.
Tears & Healing
Meaning from Madness
In Love & Loving It
Way of Respect
I was reading this website.. Are you Codependent? Find the way to break out.
And thought the premiss sounded good. I just don't want to waste money on the books if there are better ones out there.
Below is the part of the website that really caught my attention.
Are you Codependent?- Overcome the love locking you in.
Are you codependent? Have you been convinced that there is something fundamentally wrong with you? What does codependence really mean?
We end up in abusive and unhealthy situations for lots of reasons. Moreover, we often stay in them for reasons that are healthy, even though the situation isn't. Some people want to tell us that is were are in an unhealthy situation we must be "codependent". The problem is, it's not true. What's more, "codependence" isn't a defined problem that we directly address. It sells books, but does it help us?
So ask some of these questions of yourself: Did your relationship start out in a positive way? Did your partner change after you were in a committed situation, where it was difficult to just break things off? Have you held a reasonable hope that things will improve? Does your situation make you sick, and make you wish for a safer and healthier relationship? Are you putting up with bad treatment for a higher purpose, like trying to make the best home for your children?
If you answer yes to these questions, then you should feel that you are coping with a difficult situation that you did not create. Don't paint yourself with the amorphous label that you're "codependent". Recognize that although your situation is unhealthy, there may be no simple options to make it better. Just because you're weighing the balance and hanging in there doesn't mean there's something fundamental wrong with you. You may have hard work ahead to make your life better, and you may be facing some difficult choices and changes, but that doesn't make you "codependent."
The truth is that in many cases abusers really do make victims of otherwise innocent people. Their behavior early in the relationship may be wonderful, and it often stays that way until a lasting commitment is made. Then things change for the worse, often dramatically. This "now you see it, now you don't" phenomenon is common with people who have narcissistic defenses, and I talk about this in Meaning from Madness (to the right.) Once we're married, and even worse have children, there aren't' any simple ways to put an end to the abuse, because such major sacrifices must be made to force change. This isn't codependence. It's a painful and difficult situation that we need help to deal with.
Overcome the Love Locking You In
Many of us got into unhealthy situations because our partners held up a facade. Many of us felt or thought that we had met our soul mate; found the perfect partner; met that one special person in the universe. It's no surprise that we can fall in love with someone like this!
Later, usually after we've made a binding commitment like marriage, or sometimes after the relationships changes due to children being born, job changes, or other major life changes, our partner shows a completely different side. The person who was once perfect now can become angry, demeaning, demanding, and harshly critical. I talk about this dynamic in my book on disordered behavior, Meaning from Madness. From someone we have deep feelings for, these actions are brutal. Yet we may still have strong feelings of love pulling us to that person. Talk about being torn!
At some point, many of us realize this situation needs to change, but feelings are not chosen. How can you overcome the love that pulls you to someone who is abusing you?
While you can't turn those feelings off like a switch, you can learn to understand where those feelings come from, and how our minds create them, and then set the stage for new feelings to develop - hopefully toward someone who's better for us. At first this issue was a chapter in my book, Tears and Healing, but it was so important it eventually became its own short book, In Love and Loving It - Or Not! The really sad part is that our minds create these feelings so that we'll be motivated to engage in a relationship that meets our emotional needs, yet those same feelings can end up locking us in, pulling back again into a broken relationship that just can't fill those needs! Its like a trap, one that we need new understanding to get out of.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Sorry never heard of it. It does sound interesting. I have thought that sometimes I feel like I have that syndrome where you bond with a hostage taker more then a co-dependent sometimes. Or even a battered woman, but he hasn't physically abused me. So I think the ideas are interesting because I think that sometimes there are other things going along with the drinking.
Like my AH was completely one way, then I married him and he became a whole other person. I mean even without the drinking I wouldn't want to be with him. So if you get it let me know how it is.
Like my AH was completely one way, then I married him and he became a whole other person. I mean even without the drinking I wouldn't want to be with him. So if you get it let me know how it is.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
This guy makes the word codependent sound like "cooties!!"
Who cares what you call it?
You say tomato I say tomahto -- if this guys books speak to you and if NOT labeling yourself a codependent is useful to you in finding recovery from whatever it is that is mucking up your one precious life - then just dive in!!
It simply doesn't matter.
I take the best from all I read/see/hear and if I can use it I do. If I can't or it offends me then I just walk on by.
The beauty is in the self-examination-- whatever gets you there is almost irrelevant -- if I say "my misplaced sense of self kept me in a bad relationship" and someone else says "my codependence kept me in a bad relationship" it just doesn't matter-- what am I doing NOW to get healthy? To break my unhealthy habits of mind? To move closer to achieveing the goals I've set for myself?
Whatever path you choose - it only works if you work it! And whatever helps you make healthy progress is a good thing.
The books sound interesting!!
peace,
b
Who cares what you call it?
You say tomato I say tomahto -- if this guys books speak to you and if NOT labeling yourself a codependent is useful to you in finding recovery from whatever it is that is mucking up your one precious life - then just dive in!!
It simply doesn't matter.
I take the best from all I read/see/hear and if I can use it I do. If I can't or it offends me then I just walk on by.
The beauty is in the self-examination-- whatever gets you there is almost irrelevant -- if I say "my misplaced sense of self kept me in a bad relationship" and someone else says "my codependence kept me in a bad relationship" it just doesn't matter-- what am I doing NOW to get healthy? To break my unhealthy habits of mind? To move closer to achieveing the goals I've set for myself?
Whatever path you choose - it only works if you work it! And whatever helps you make healthy progress is a good thing.
The books sound interesting!!
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I think your right. He does go a little over board with the label descriptions. I think this is the part that really caught me..
Recognize that although your situation is unhealthy, there may be no simple options to make it better. Just because you're weighing the balance and hanging in there doesn't mean there's something fundamental wrong with you. You may have hard work ahead to make your life better, and you may be facing some difficult choices and changes, but that doesn't make you "codependent."
Sometimes when I read about co-d and it's recovery it's described as a personality disorder. I can see that, however it also seems to be formed as a defense mechanism. I guess in hind sight that those definitions don't make that much difference either.
Sometimes the more I think I get it, the more confused I get. LOL
Recognize that although your situation is unhealthy, there may be no simple options to make it better. Just because you're weighing the balance and hanging in there doesn't mean there's something fundamental wrong with you. You may have hard work ahead to make your life better, and you may be facing some difficult choices and changes, but that doesn't make you "codependent."
Sometimes when I read about co-d and it's recovery it's described as a personality disorder. I can see that, however it also seems to be formed as a defense mechanism. I guess in hind sight that those definitions don't make that much difference either.
Sometimes the more I think I get it, the more confused I get. LOL
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