mle-sober

I think part of the difficult dynamic of this conversation is that there are different understandings of the word, "support."

It sounds like many here are reading the word "support" and thinking about "tolerate" or maybe even "accomodate." (?)

I think of support as "helping to maintain a normal physiological balance." And the appropriatly supportive role of the "other" in a relationship where one person is an alcoholic is that they educate themselves about alcoholism and work to be healthy themselves.

What I would love my husband to do and what would feel "supportive" to me is if he took responsibility for his own life and emotions, took the time to educate himself on what alcoholism is (so he can stop judging and blaming) and made a committment to find a way to be be happy.

I'm deeply invested in my recovery and don't expect or want my husband to be accomodating me or tolerating bad behavior from me. I am truly a reformed person, deeply changed by sobriety and recovery. And, one year into recovery, it would be wonderful if my husband would find a way to participate in healing. He seems locked into a very small and uncomfortable room filled with angry denial, hair-pin mistrust, blame, and judgement.

When I say that everyone here is seems supportive to me, I mean that you all are in your own recovery. That's what support looks like to me - both individuals in the relationship being invested in being healthy. That, in my opinion, is truly supportive.

ToughChoices

I know that, for me, there are certain words and phrases that tend to get my ire up based on my history with that expression.

"I need your support" is one of those phrases.

It was frequently said to me, accompanied by tears and professions of deep regret and love, in order to attempt to convince me to keep putting up with a big load of alcoholic B.S. It worked for a long time.

So, the hair on the back of my neck stands up when I read something that reminds me of that sentiment.

But.

Zing is not my husband. He IS actually in recovery. His expression doesn't mean the same thing that my alcoholic's expression meant.

I have to remind myself of this.

Interesting thread. Thanks for the discussion.

-TC

JenT1968

hey captainizing

glad to see you here, just as I am pleased to see everyone here, because, selfishly, I gain from everyone's sharing.

LaTeeDa

I don't see this thread as 'us' vs. 'them' at all. My impression was just that it could be unhelpful to recovery from codependency. As a codependent, I know that some alcoholics recover. That knowing was a part of my justification for my own denial. Seeing or reading about recovering alcoholics kept me clinging to the hope that mine would, too. It kept me sacrificing myself and living in a fantasy future where all would work out the way I wanted it to.

What helped me was seeing or reading about codependents who have recovered. People who had the same issues and problems as me and had found a way to live a good life regardless of whether or not the alcoholic in their life found recovery. No, it's not about us vs. them, it's about fantasy vs. reality.

L

CAPTAINZING2000

I hadn't gave it as much thought as many of you have when, I posted this.

A friend of mine said, his wife wanted him to stop drinking but, didn't want him attending AA.
hmm.



Support can mean many different things to many people.

We all benefit by, each spouse doing well in life, be it recovery, job or any other area in life.

Perhaps, I should have been more specific in my post.


Thanks, for all the insightful replies. Many of which, never even entered my mind when, placing this on the board

cmc

Thanks to Capt. for a great thread.

The whole reason for my recovery is to learn how to live my life in a way that allows me to be a part of relationships without losing or harming myself. Sometimes, in many cases my well being may require that I end or limit my involvement; but thankfully that is not always the case and my recovery does not hinge upon removing every single obstacle I face.

Taking the 'qualifier' out of the equation does nothing for my own recovery because my problems are all about 'me' and the way I choose to think and act. In my recovery I learn how to relate in healthy ways. I learn the difference between enabling and support.

The truth is that these days I have several recovering people in my life and I support them, in their recovery. If I don't know what recovery looks like- I may not be making good choices for myself or for them either. I need to know what it's like for the recovering person. In Al-Anon I've learned how to separate and prioritize my needs versus the needs of others.

In the end, the only one ultimately responsible for their recovery is that person themself, yet I can contribute in both negative and positive ways that do have an impact and can either help or hinder someone else's best efforts.



The 3 C's of addiction/alcoholism;
I didn't Cause it
I can't Cure it
I can't Control it

The 4th C :
I can Contribute.

Blondie

When my STXAH went to AA, he asked me to join him. He was only into his third meeting and I wasn't ready to go with him as he was going to the meeting to get signatures to show a judge in his DUI case. I really didn't think he was serious about AA - and I knew he wasn't as soon he came home and announced that he was not like "THOSE people." The day he filled all the spots on that paper is the day he quit going to AA and hasn't been back since.

But I was opened minded about AA and would have attended some meetings with him had I felt that he was serious about his recovery. He even went so far as to come home and announce that "EVERYONE is an alcoholic." That meant ME too so he felt that I needed AA and not al-anon.

freya

Interesting....it defintely worked the opposite way for me....going to AA meetings and seeing/listening to the people who had good, long-term recovery did give me hope for my partner when she was in relapse....but it was hope, not expectation or fantasy....and it also, along with my Al Anon program, made it abundantly clear to me that I was not her hope or her HP, so it freed me to to "release" her into the care of the Forces that are.

....So, for me, that was a very helpful part of attending AA meeetings in the beginning -- now I atend them because I also found that AAs tend to have a slightly different, "edgier" approach to recovery and to Step work, and, personally, that really resonates with and is helpful to me.

Well, as I indicated earlier, this very specific identification with others in a particular recovery program was really only important to me for, maybe, my first few months in Al Anon. Once I got the basics of what alcoholism entails and how it manifests in the alcoholic and those aorund him/her down and understood, on a very basic way, how 12 Step Recovery programs work, it really has not been a problem for me to be able "to get something," and usually something important and helpful to me, from any "recovery" meetings or discussion that I find myself in....because I do believe very stronlgy that, ultimately, if we work our recoveries sincerely and with a sense of urgency (as in "vital importance," not "speed") they grow to impact our entire lives and selves, way beyond just helping us address the specific addiction or fixation that "brought us in" to begin with.

freya

CAPTAINZING2000

I'm truely grateful for the feedback I got on here.

Time will tell what happens after my son gets back from the service. I still have 2 other kids I'm concerned over but, they're not living near me. I can only try and give them sound advice from my own experience or, what I learn from everyone on this site.

freya

OMG...I thought of something really funny in relation to this on my way home just now....

Where I live, we have our local AA/Al Anon convention in the middle of March, so the first year I was in program, it was going to happen when I'd been in Al Anon less than 2 months. Anyways the week before the convention, this woman, who is one of the founders of my homegroup, came up to me after the meeting and asked me if I was going to convention...

....and I looked at her in total shock and with no small amount of incredulity, and said: "I wouldn't go to a convention of vampires; why would I go to a convention of alcoholics?"

She just smiled, gave me a hug and said that maybe I'd feel different next year, because there really was a lot of good program to be found there.

...and I thought: "Yeah, right! Lady, you're out of your friggin' mind!"

Good thing I didn't say it because, boy, would I have had a BIG amend to make there -- Now I totally love and can't wait for convention!

freya