blessed4x

I sure don't have all the answers (but plenty of questions, LOL), but from my experience my AH is not all that different even when he is "trying". He's been not drinking, having family dinner with us every night, warm, etc. But still, when dinners over it's a bee-line to the bedroom to read a book and relax in peace and quiet. I'm left to give baths, read stories, brush teeth, say prayers. I love my kids and I love doing these things, but I guess it would be nice to have a little help........I have asked for it when I get really frustrated.

I get sad when I see other dads out doing things with their families who appear to be having so much fun. I had that man several years ago, and I wish he'd come back. Rome wasn't built in a day though, huh?

Pajarito

I wouldn't use the word selfish- I would say you are not being realistic. It's not selfish to want what you want/need what you need- and to ask that your spouse meet those needs as a loving, equal partner. The reality, though, is that he is an alcoholic who has no intention of changing to behave like a loving, equal partner in your marriage.

Loving myself means I accept people for who they are- it doesn't mean I have to bang my head against the wall trying to convince them they have to meet my needs. Loving myself means changing my situation to suit what I want and need- for me and my dd. It is not selfish- it is self-care. I ran circles around my STBXAH trying to be and do everything for the sake of our marriage- while he sat in front of the tv with a laptop on his lap- every night. I needed more- and it sounds like you do too. How can you get what you want/need for yourself- without expecting him to give you what you obviously can't get from him?

cyclelady

cyclelady, let's try this from a different approach...tell me specifically WHY you love this man, what it is ABOUT him that you love admire and respect. and i'm talking about in the last six months, not 40 years ago....in current REAL time....

WOW! I never thought it would be this difficult....

He is a good provider
He "has been" warm, caring (manipulation?)(in the last 6 months)

This is WHY I love reading your posts Anvil... Your posts always make me think / see in a different light, they are not even hard questions, very simple, in fact, but I guess this is what fog does that covers my eyes...Thank you Anvil. These are the facts. It is just hard looking at them/myself...

HoopNinja

I too find that I often faked my feelings toward others. When no one is modeling love for you as a child it is a little hard to figure out what is normal. I built a brick wall around myself for so many years not letting anyone else in and discovered in the process I never let any love out either--I did not know how. I am still going to therapy and trying to learn to do this. I wind up doing for others before I do for myself. Part of this is because I took on the caregiver role in my family and still have a hard time shaking that off--but I am working on it. But case in point, went to the allergist the other day and he asked me why I was not doing something he told me I should be doing and I told him I did not have time. He told me to make time and I would feel better, be healthier and have more fun with my kids. It made an impact. I am trying to do a little for myself each day. I am trying to take care of myself each day.


peachtree--thank you! Wow--this is something I had totally forgotten I had worked on with a therapist about 8 years ago. She asked me to bring in a picture of myself when I was about 5 years old (my first recollection of my mom being a drunk). Then she wrote on a piece of paper "I deserve to be loved and taken care of. I love myself." I also remember crying when she did that. I found the picture in one of my drawers the other day and it was not until I just read this that I remember her telling me to do just this. Look at that picture and tell that little girl every day that I deserved to be loved and that I loved myself. Somewhere along the line I stopped doing this. I need to take that picture out again and write that down on the back of it.