FlwrofFrgttng

I'm posting so much. I feel like I'm continuously updating. If I am posting too much just ignore me.

I had a fairly bad day today. I woke up this morning and started off well, breakfast with the boys, phone call with my best friend who lives in new orleans, looked for a job and a daycare, called the court to find out what I need to do to get spousal. Then I realized that today is our anniversary. That precious little nugget threw me into a blue funk. Then my son started in with the "where's papi?" and the "papi is gone?" and "wanna talk to papi, mom." which just made me want to rip apart the universe with my bare hands. I wish I could video this crap and kidnap him from the bar and tie him to a chair to make him watch it. Why in the blue blazes do *I* have to deal with this? AH hurts us all with his behavior but I'm the one that picks up the pieces. I'm the one that has to dodge and evade a toddler's questions. Because I don't know what to tell him other than "papi's not here right now, pumpkin" or "papi's at work". he's too sharp to believe the at work if it's dark outside and will continue to ask me. This is not my fault but yet and still I have to pick up the pieces.

The poor little thing asked to talk to him so much that I sent him a text asking him if he could talk to his son for a minute or two. That was over 6 hours ago. The little man is in bed now and the last thing he said to me before he went to sleep was that he wanted to talk to his father. Big. Fat. Laugh.

I'm tired and feeling bitter. I don't want to be bitter. I wish there was an easy button for letting go.

-Kay

Ago

No one "minds"

We are here 24/7

keep posting

:ghug

Bernadette

Hi Kay-- how old is your son?

Just know that your warm consistent love and home routine is the A #1 important thing for your son's healthy growth!! He is so lucky to have you.

It is hard to guard against bitterness when their own father is hurting them - but it is worth the effort since resentment is only going to poison you. His destiny with his dad will be his own to work out, all you can do is stay out of the way- meaning you cannot control what dad does or doesn't do.

I just tried to comfort my boys without ever trashing their father. Not easy because I would be LIVID sometimes. But I read so many books on divorce and had a good therapist who told me how VITALLY important it was that I not bad mouth their father.

So I could share their frustration "Ugh, it is aggravating when you want to speak to dad and he doesn't return your call." or answer their questions "I don't know why dad hasn't called, but I know it's not fair that he's kept you waiting again and I know it hurts and is disappointing. But it's not your fault. He does love you - he just doesn't seem to be able to return your calls on time! It is so frustrating!!"

I mean, it was crazy-making for me sometimes...you just look at their little faces -- or their little sleeping bodies and your heart breaks...

My boys are both teenagers now. They see the real deal for themselves now very clearly- and I am so relieved that I bit my tongue and didn't trash their dad, and that I did not give away my power to HIM and succumb to bitterness. I can see now that would have made a huge emotional mess for them.

So blah blah sorry! all that to say just keep doing the next right thing for your son. Accept that dad is going to be steaming turd and that you can acknowledge what a struggle it is for your son without actually trashing dad.

I found that the discipline I had to apply to myself to NOT trash their Dad and not accept his behavior as an excuse for bitterness in my heart really made me stronger. If I start to feel bitter I go look in the mirror and remind myself that I do not want to become an old bitter woman -- I want to be a glowing wrinkly jolly ol granny someday -- no room on my brow for bitterness!!

(((((hugs)))))
one day at a time--
peace,
b

lovtolaff

No advice from me but I just wanted to say that you should post as often as you feel like it. It really does help - saying "it" out loud makes it more real.

Hugs to you and yours.
:ghug

LaTeeDa

Bernadette has given some really good advice above. I learned that the most important thing for children is not to "make it all better" for them. And, really, you can't even if you tried. What's important is to validate their feelings. Let them know that it's okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, or whatever. They are entitled to their feelings. I wish my parents knew that.

L

TakingCharge999

Hi Flwr

I would suggest for you to take some physical exercise so you do not keep your anger inside. As I work odd hours what I did was buy some Tae Bo, Chii Kun, Tai Chi and Yoga videos. So whenever I got an hour I can kick all I want and imagine I am kicking him. Or if I needed to relax I just did some easy Yoga exercises... may take only a few minutes but they help. Afterwards you'll feel better. I had to drag myself to that but it works wonders. Try to think you need to be healthy for you and your sons and you do not want to have your body resent all that anger.

My dad is not an AH but he left when I was 3. I am 27 now and just began to forgive him. Not sure if I asked for him but I have surely resented him and missed him all my life. Specially during very bad times.

You are not responsible for their relation. If your kids see you healthy, if you teach them whats important (emotional health in your daily living) then when they are older they can understand what happened and take steps to forgive their dad. That is about the only thing you can do, its between them. My mom never badmouthed him and I am grateful, because my feelings were already too complex, it would have been much worse.

Now we talk about Keane and Borges and Obama and visit each other and are working in recovering the time. We love each other and I am almost to tears as its great to be able to forgive. He has not forgiven himself yet it seems, I just hope he knows I have forgiven him and it may help.

But without my mom who was ALWAYS THERE I would have never reached this state!!

Stay strong.

FlwrofFrgttng

my son is almost 3. thanks for listening and for the advice.

BeyondBSC

Three is tough…they sure do like to repeat themselves. With my youngest I had to have a “mummy-3” rule…he could only say, “mummy, mummy mummy!” not mummy times 50! Hahaha…good memories there (the boys are now 16/12). But to get back to you, bashing the other is bad at any age for a child. They see their parents; you and your husband, in themselves…so keep doing what you are doing and be careful of pointing out BAD characteristics in his father. Use the shower to talk out all your bashing, assuming that you get that 15 minutes alone. Your little man-cub will be fine. He has you to talk to. Answer him as honestly as possible. This thing with your husband may not go away, and you are going to have to be the one to teach your child about boundaries. That is a tough one to teach, so start now. Keep boundaries for him, repetitive questions are not going to change the answer or give him the answer that he wants. As a mom, we have to suck it up a lot! Be the disciplinarian. It is not fair, and it gets MUCH harder when they get older. But it pays off in the long run.