nordicwalker

Thanks for all that Ago!
Hope it does as much good for "loverof1" as it has for me!
N.Walker.

felicidade

Loverof1:

It is for the birds. It sucks. It hurts indescribeably. And, of course, you're angry, for G-d's sake. You believed in him. He betrayed you, again.

Despite the mountain of evidence in my face proving otherwise, I still want to believe my XAH. (Lucky for me, he doesn't want me!! lol!)

I used to vent to my dad daily (BTW I'm 37 with 2 kids), who echoed my complaints and hugged me. He eventually stopped, because i wasn't making any decisions that helped ME or my kids. (he hung up on me - and I felt doubly betrayed) I just kept believing in someone who was too sick to love me the way I needed, or support me or reciprocate in any real way beyond feeding me illusory hope.

I came here to ask for advice about what to do about him and was greeted with very, very direct questions about me and my self-denigrating choices. I tuned it out. I thought that the people here were Melodie Beattie'd and cynical about reconciling with an A. I tried harder with him.

When I hit a bottom, I came back here for support and received answers to questions I hadn't asked. None nice to answer, because it would mean I'd have to stop believing in him and start believing in me. I didn't want to betray him (ironic, I know). [and I am sure i tested the patience many times of more evolved/recovered people with my situation and refusal to change - bc I tested my own patience]

But, since he wouldn't have anything to do with me (except for conjugal visits when my self-esteem was below sea level), I lined up the ducks and took the plunge (like on a Monday morning after a great weekend, you HATE IT but you get up and go to work, because, really, you have to eat, shelter yourself, keep warm).

That's when the advice from SR became critical support to me. Because, I was relying on myself to feel strong, good, and healthy (and pretty too - but I'm from Miami, so superficiality still creeps in!) and I just didn't know how. The tough language seemed very wise and do-able (like when I grew up and my parents didn't seem so overbearing anymore!), and the cynics became prescient sages!

This is all to say - please keep venting. People who understand - at all phases of the cycle/or levels of recovery - are here and care and listen. I'm not on the other side yet. But I "hear" you. :ghug3

escape artist

anger was what got me in the doors of alanon and the first question i asked them. how do you get rid of the anger. they smiled, they knew exactly what i was talking about. then then started giving me their experiences and talked about how i need to take care of myself. i cannot control it, didn't cause it and cannot cure it.

i also would go out to my garage and get a hammer and a big piece of wood and beat the ever loving crap out of it, until i was totally drained. whatever you need to do to get rid of your anger that doesn't hurt you or others is good. have a whack. (btw, i did it when my kids were in the house!- i would absolutely hate to have someone watch me when i was taking my frustration out on that wood!)

Pajarito

You have a right to be angry- we all do. Get it out and move on. Then- instead of asking WHY- ask HOW. HOW is a question I now ask myself daily. Why keeps me stuck- some questions have no answers. But how? I can ask myself How do I want to live my life? How can I move forward on my path and be the strong woman I want to be? How can I, as a single mom, be a good role model for my dd? THOSE are questions I can answer. How is a question you can answer for yourself and your children. If you decide to find those answers, I believe you will find the peace you seem to be looking for.

inahaze

I've started asking HOW instead of WHY about my life. For the longest time I wondered why the drinking, BS and verbal assaults. Why could he do this time me one day and the very next profess how much he loves me? One day I'd be treated the absolute best and the next the absolute worst. I could never wrap my head around it and I still cannot. Quite honestly I don't think I want to understand where my AH's thinking process.

Now I've been asking myself HOW can I do better in my life? Education. Working. Being a great mom. Care for my critters. Take care of me. I do those things and honestly I think I do them well. The one last thing I can do for my children is to give them a safe home. And that is so close, it makes me excited and queasy at the same time. Giving up my codependant behaviors, leaving almost 14 years of toxic thought processes behind is hard. I'm doing it though!!!

I've came to this board whining, venting and received comforting help all the way to the point blank what am I going to do questions. Some of it may of seemed harsh, but that's what I need. The in your face, non-sugar coated answers.

THANK-YOU!

As for the anger, I'm mad at my AH for ruining my children's safe home. I'm mad at how he's treated me. I'm mad at how he continues to treat me. I'm mad that he loves beer more than all of us. I'm mad at how he tries to dump all the bad stuff on me while making himself out to be awesome. I'm angry at the lies I've caught him in.

I didn't realize how angry I was for a long time. Now, that angry feeling is going to carry me into my new place away from him. After that there will be nothing more to be angry about. My kids will have their safe home.

Pajarito

AWESOME inahaze! I could spend forever trying to figure out why he did what he did. It's productive to think about why I did what I did, but now I want to move forward and ask how. I find the less I focus on him, the better off I am. And like you, I prefer no sugar-coating. My goal in this life now is to find a peaceful way to live. HOW do I want to live MY life? If I can answer that- my dd will be ok. Living with STBXAH- we were not ok. I don't want to give my precious life- or dd's- over to anyone else- especially if their priority is alcohol. No thanks.

prodigal

I believe "loverof1" has left us, perhaps for good. However, the thread continued, and I would like to thank those of you who continued to post and address the issues that were raised.

I got a great deal out of this thread. I'm sorry if our original poster did not find that what others had to share to be to her liking, but what can I say? Live and let live ...

Thanks again for the insightful posts!

FlwrofFrgttng

The truth hurts. It hurts me every day. But I can and will take it, because I want to be better. I want to get off the psycho slide. I wouldn't have wanted to hear this either even just a week or two ago. But I NEED to hear it now. Just starting gives me my SELF back. And guess what? I like ME.