ineedanangel

I am new to SR and want to let everyone know how valuable your posts are! I have been with AH for 14 years. He was sober the first 7, then decided to start drinking after I became pregnant with our first child. He has drank ever since. Yes, I too have put up with his cheating with the college girls, calling me a b**ch, telling me to shut the f**k up, slamming my head against a window, threatening to kill my cat, etc. However, have stayed with him, because every time he can tell I'm about ready to leave, he straightens up and things are really good for a while. Can't believe it's taken me this long to realize this is all a part of the never ending cycle. Since cheating with the college girls, he has decided he does not believe in God anymore and says that the Bible is the greatest "story" ever written. I have recently noticed my 5yr old and 2yr old children being extremely aggressive and gritting their teeth(kinda like daddy does) when they are frustrated. This is why I am reading your posts daily to remind myself why I am getting ready to leave. MY KIDS! I can't believe I have to have daily reminders, but whatever it takes to go through with it this time.

lovtolaff

Alot of us went through the "never ending cycle" that you mention. Keep reading and posting - it will give you strength that you never knew you had.

Hugs.

Ago

Welcome

We are glad you are here.

Keep posting, tell us how you are, we do care so much.

I found this helpful personally when I got here:

Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Worth Reading and re-posting... - DailyStrength

cmc

Welcome to the forum.

I'm so glad to learn that you are seeking a better life for yourself and your children. Don't forget to check out the sticky threads which have been selected as especially helpful.

TakingCharge999

hi ineedanangel
be your own angel
then the other angels will come more easily
hugs and i am glad you are thinking about your kids and yourself!!!

ineedanangel

[Just found out that AH is already planning his next "outing" with his drinking buddies in about a week. Of course, he wants me to come to. I'm sure this is so he feels better(if I go then I'm condoning it). What the h*ll is he thinking. I don't even drink. As if I want to go and babysit him and his friends. He has just started a new job today in another town, so he is living with a friend until(he thinks) my job is over at the end of May. After my job being over, I am suppose to move with the kids to this new town. Meanwhile, he is planning on coming home on the weekends. While we have this job/living arrangement, I am treating this as a trial run. I have only ever left him once last year. It was only for a week, because of the death of his father(we got back together). Of course, he wouldn't go to counseling because that's "for people who can't solve their own problems". --Hello!!!! And of course, I just let things go and we never resolved any of our problems. I have been talking with my sisters and mom and dad. They are great support, but don't believe that I will leave this time. They say I have said this many times before.---Which, I have. My mom is very concerned about him possibly doing something(flipping out--anger management issues!!) when I tell him that I am going to leave him. Is there any advice I can get about how to go about telling him?

TakingCharge999

oh oh, got that one too

"for people who can't solve their own problems".



i guess drinking them is SOLVING them. oh wait, i remembered - they live in a parallel universe !

i am glad you have time now to think more clearly...

ineedanangel

even though I feel as if I've made my mind up about leaving. I don't understand how I still love him as much as I do when he has been so mean in the past??? I feel like all day every day I go back and forth in my head about how I am going to be able to emotionally handle leaving. But, then I keep reading the posts from people reminding me why I should think about my children and then I know why I need to make the decision. I hate this constant fighting in my head. I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes from both of those people in my head.

GiveLove

Not sure, ineedanangel.

Picture this: Your best girlfriend, a much-loved sister or aunt or cousin, or your own daughter at age 20 comes to you and asks you:

"He hits me and calls me a b*tch and fools around with anything that moves and gets drunk and isn't there as a father and threatens innocent animals and is a flaming, irresponsible drunk but.........but OH I love him so much!!! What do I DO, mom?"

What would you think? Think that's "love" going on? Or maybe something else?

What would you say to her?

Turn it around and see what comes up for you. You are so used to this that you can't even see what a horrible situation you're in.

You deserve better. And your kids deserve better. And if they're already showing signs of being like him, you either have to find the strength to do the right thing, or start preparing yourself NOW for watching them self-destruct in a few years. Go on over to the ACOA forum and read the stories of some of the people whose parents forced them to grow up in terrible situations because they wouldn't leave alcoholics or wouldn't stop drinking. See if you want your kids to end up like them.

They are learning how to be adults from you and from him. Right now. Men get mad, break things, hurt people, yell, get drunk, and it's all okay - we still stay because "we love them." Women take whatever crumbs they're handed. Life in general is anxious, stressful, and full of anger.

Talk to your local battered women's shelter about the best ways to handle someone with anger management issues, and how to safely get yourself and your kids out of this. They are the experts in it.

Sending you hugs, hope, and strength. This isn't what love's supposed to be like.

Glenna9802

GiveLove, we talked about this exact thing in my meeting last night, how the abnormal becomes normal in situations like this. I live with that every day.

I recently spent the evening at a friend's house for a cookout. AH was not there. I sat and talked with the adults and watched the kids and marveled at how "normal" everything seemed. It's not like they were doing anything special, just that I had become so used to the abnormal that I could hardly recognize normal when I saw it. Like I couldn't believe people actually LIVE this way.

Ineedanangel...I have two little boys who used to live with me and with AH as their stepdad. Both kids exhibited physical symptoms as a result of the stress, which promptly went away after they went to live with their father. I would never put those boys in a position where they had to spend time with AH again, even though it means I don't get to be with them that much. One day I hope to be strong enough to break away, but just because I can't now doesn't mean the boys have to suffer, as they are too young to make those kinds of decisions. I have a daughter with AH who lives with us (she is 2), and frankly I'm worried about what kind of physical symptoms she is going to develop if this madness doesn't stop.

AWEDA

Ago,
That was an excellent article.
Thank You for posting it.

cmc

Here are two links that contain vital & practical information about finances and personal safety.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...read-book.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html

ineedanangel

Thanks so much for the advice. It always sounds so much more logical when someone else is saying it, as opposed to when I'm thinking it. AH came home this weekend and the minute he walked in the door, he was bitching and griping at the kids. Apparently they get on his nerves. It's Sunday night now and he has left again to go back to work for the week. We now have our quiet house back to ourselves again. I shared what you guys told me with my mother. She couldn't agree more with you. She lived with an alcoholic father and brothers. So, she too understands this way of life. She has been my support and will continue to be my support when I move out in May. Thank you again for your support.

sillysquirrel

I understand your struggles. I, too, have an AH and am having a very hard time breaking away from him. We have 4 children together and I am trying to get myself to do it for the kids. I just don't want them growing up thinking that this is how life is supposed to be. I worry that my girls will think it is ok to be disrespected and mistreated and that my boy will think it is ok to disrespect and to mistreat.

I know that I need to do it for myself, too. I am learning alot here. I have only been here for about 3 weeks, but feel like I am progressing slowly. I think that once I work on myself, it will help me to leave.

Anyway, keep posting. It really is a great outlet and you will learn alot, too.

Daisy30

I always try to envision my children talking to me as adults.....

what would they say if I stayed? Let it continue?

what would they say if I left? Showed them this wasn't normal/acceptable?

It always helps me make the right choice not only for my kids, but for me as well.

(((())))

Marriage on the Rocks is a great book! Also, You will find a lot of support at Al-anon. You may also beable to connect with others who have left their A's and what they have done