I Told Him
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Originally Posted by ToughChoices 
This pain, this time, is not nearly so incredible as my pain before my recovery began.
No. Where. Close.
What a wild ride! My life is NOT what I always thought it would be. It is not boring. It is exciting and vibrant and untold. Who knows what the future will bring?!
There is likely pain to come - alcoholism is painful. But now it will not be the intense pain at the loss of my dreams, my love, my hope. I get all of those things back!
No. Where. Close.
What a wild ride! My life is NOT what I always thought it would be. It is not boring. It is exciting and vibrant and untold. Who knows what the future will bring?!
There is likely pain to come - alcoholism is painful. But now it will not be the intense pain at the loss of my dreams, my love, my hope. I get all of those things back!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
(((((TC))))) you are recovery in action, every one of your posts are full of wisdom and strength, you really are an inspiration.
Blessings to you as you go on into this new realm of your life,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Blessings to you as you go on into this new realm of your life,
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
I discovered that I was wanting, very strongly, to wait until P had another ugly alcohol incident to tell him that I was filing for divorce. That realization left me uneasy.
I wanted it to be clear that this was HIS fault.
HE was the problem.
But I realized that it was that kind of thinking that brought me to my knees in the first place. It hasn't served me well to blame P.
I wanted it to be clear that this was HIS fault.
HE was the problem.
But I realized that it was that kind of thinking that brought me to my knees in the first place. It hasn't served me well to blame P.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
I discovered that I was wanting, very strongly, to wait until P had another ugly alcohol incident to tell him that I was filing for divorce. That realization left me uneasy.
Let me scoop my jaw off the floor....
TC, this is EXACTLY how I felt immediately after AH's last drunken episode. The clouds parted and I felt this tremendous sigh of relief that he blew it for the LAST time.
AH even said so: "This finally gives you an excuse to leave"
ing:
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Hi, Robinsfly!
I'm glad to see you back here!
I logged on tonight and saw my "I told him" thread at the top - it did me good to read back through it.
Can I just say that my life today is beautiful?
Filled with family, good food, laughing kiddos, wedding plans (my brother's getting married!), girls-only vacations, early morning runs, and (today) a bouquet of beautiful tulips! I am at peace with my situation. I am home.
My ex-husband's life actually seems to be looking better, too (though he is still drinking from time to time), and that truth (his apparent improvement) doesn't hurt nearly so much as I once thought it would. We are better apart than we were together.
I think the universe has good things in store for both of us!
I hope that others out there can read this and find reassurance - divorce is not the end. It can be the beginning.
Trust yourself. Listen to your heart. You deserve
a life that is joyous and free!
-TC
I'm glad to see you back here!
I logged on tonight and saw my "I told him" thread at the top - it did me good to read back through it.
Can I just say that my life today is beautiful?
Filled with family, good food, laughing kiddos, wedding plans (my brother's getting married!), girls-only vacations, early morning runs, and (today) a bouquet of beautiful tulips! I am at peace with my situation. I am home.
My ex-husband's life actually seems to be looking better, too (though he is still drinking from time to time), and that truth (his apparent improvement) doesn't hurt nearly so much as I once thought it would. We are better apart than we were together.
I think the universe has good things in store for both of us!
I hope that others out there can read this and find reassurance - divorce is not the end. It can be the beginning.
Trust yourself. Listen to your heart. You deserve
a life that is joyous and free!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Hi TC!
The universe must be aligning for me tonight. I'm getting the chills as I'm reading all these past posts.
Really powerful.
It give me peace of mind to hear that you are doing wonderfully. Sounds like you are thriving.
Laughing kids, flowers, friends, vacations.....my heart is singing.
My situation:
I had this epiphany last July, and I wanted a physical separation, but finances did not allow. So, I shoveled my desires and hoped and prayed that AH would have interest in doing the "work".
He's a good man, he's been sober for 10 months, he loves our kids, he has so many great qualities. I do love him.
However, he's not interested in the recovery process. Like you said, he wants to continue couples counseling to get the attention off him and onto the relationship.
This is not working for me.
My therapist told me to be authentic. It is scaring me TO DEATH.
deep.breath.
I thank Andrew for directing me to your post.
Thank you for posting.
The universe must be aligning for me tonight. I'm getting the chills as I'm reading all these past posts.
Really powerful.
It give me peace of mind to hear that you are doing wonderfully. Sounds like you are thriving.
Laughing kids, flowers, friends, vacations.....my heart is singing.
My situation:
I had this epiphany last July, and I wanted a physical separation, but finances did not allow. So, I shoveled my desires and hoped and prayed that AH would have interest in doing the "work".
He's a good man, he's been sober for 10 months, he loves our kids, he has so many great qualities. I do love him.
However, he's not interested in the recovery process. Like you said, he wants to continue couples counseling to get the attention off him and onto the relationship.
This is not working for me.
My therapist told me to be authentic. It is scaring me TO DEATH.
deep.breath.
I thank Andrew for directing me to your post.
Thank you for posting.
Yield beautiful changes
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by RobinsFly
My therapist told me to be authentic. It is scaring me TO DEATH.
deep.breath.
Why is it so scary to be authentic, Robins? Is it because your truth, the truth in your heart, is not the desire of your heart? What do you want? What do you have?
What I wanted and what I had did not line up. This caused me great pain.
The way out of that pain, for me, was to honestly assess the validity of my wants - then change what I had.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Why is it so scary to be authentic, Robins? Is it because your truth, the truth in your heart, is not the desire of your heart? What do you want? What do you have?
What I wanted and what I had did not line up. This caused me great pain.
The way out of that pain, for me, was to honestly assess the validity of my wants - then change what I had.
What I wanted and what I had did not line up. This caused me great pain.
The way out of that pain, for me, was to honestly assess the validity of my wants - then change what I had.
Fear that what I desire (a relationship of communication and dialogue) does not exist. Fear that my children will suffer from an ugly divorce (as I did).
Fear of AH's anger.
I realize happiness resides only within myself. But, ultimately, what I want is a relationship w/ someone who shares my passion for learning, for communication, for time spent with friends.
I am starting to enjoy life. AH seems angry much of the time. He is, and always has been, a hermit.
That is so much not where I'm at. I'm a social worker, for peet's sake.
and finally, finances are a real scare.
I have one year left of grad school, and no income. I cannot move out.
It seems that AH would rather live in the basement guestroom than face up to reality. I don't want to be the agent of change, dammit.
Getting Over It
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere out there
Posts: 110
Ive been following Robinsfly's posts for a few days now and Im astonished at the similarities in our lives... My RAH has been sober for 28 months. Hes still waiting for me to open my arms and say welcome home, my long lost love!! Aint gonna happen. Ive worked on forgiving him for his past misdeeds, but hes sober now, theres no longer the alcohol excuse for verbal abuse and manipulation tactics and anger. Thats just him.
I quit couples counseling a few months ago only after he ducked out on a few due to "work". The counselor thought it was because he didnt want to own up to the fact that he did not do the things the counselor asked him to do.... Now he is sooo upset that I wont go back. He even made an appt for me only but I refused to go. He went alone recently, came home saying the counselor kicked his butt and for a whole week things were "ok". (Aside from his tantrum when I wouldnt have sex on demand just before going to a bike rally.... )But yet, while we are there he never gets honest with things and later I 'pay' for what Ive said. He tells me I dont dish on you, why do you do that to me? Uhhh, thought we were supposed to let out our feelings there... This week, following an argument caused by his inappropriate sexual advances, he admitted to lying to me about the counselor telling him I was pretty much a lunatic when I got very emotional and upset during a session. I already knew he was lying and even brought it up to the counselor when it was just a single session. My RAH seemed amazed that I told the counselor and that I never even believed him. Well, I did, but only for a second! (Wait, maybe I AM as crazy as he says I am...)
Anyway, it so helps to know that others are in the same position as me. I want out but cant seem to move my feet. I have a free temporary place to go just across from our home. I have the support of my family and friends. My boss is more than aware of my situation and is willing to help as needed.
I have alot of fear. My stepdad committed suicide when my mom left him when I was 15. Some of my fear stems from this... I worry about how he will live. He has no true friends and his family is 800 miles away. He has lied to them and said that everything is great between us now. How will this affect my kids?? In many ways, I KNOW it will be better for them...
Its wonderful to see the posts of those who have recently moved on and are doing well and seeing the light. It gives me great hope for my and my kids future.
Ive set myself a deadline to make a move. God, give me strength...
I quit couples counseling a few months ago only after he ducked out on a few due to "work". The counselor thought it was because he didnt want to own up to the fact that he did not do the things the counselor asked him to do.... Now he is sooo upset that I wont go back. He even made an appt for me only but I refused to go. He went alone recently, came home saying the counselor kicked his butt and for a whole week things were "ok". (Aside from his tantrum when I wouldnt have sex on demand just before going to a bike rally.... )But yet, while we are there he never gets honest with things and later I 'pay' for what Ive said. He tells me I dont dish on you, why do you do that to me? Uhhh, thought we were supposed to let out our feelings there... This week, following an argument caused by his inappropriate sexual advances, he admitted to lying to me about the counselor telling him I was pretty much a lunatic when I got very emotional and upset during a session. I already knew he was lying and even brought it up to the counselor when it was just a single session. My RAH seemed amazed that I told the counselor and that I never even believed him. Well, I did, but only for a second! (Wait, maybe I AM as crazy as he says I am...)
Anyway, it so helps to know that others are in the same position as me. I want out but cant seem to move my feet. I have a free temporary place to go just across from our home. I have the support of my family and friends. My boss is more than aware of my situation and is willing to help as needed.
I have alot of fear. My stepdad committed suicide when my mom left him when I was 15. Some of my fear stems from this... I worry about how he will live. He has no true friends and his family is 800 miles away. He has lied to them and said that everything is great between us now. How will this affect my kids?? In many ways, I KNOW it will be better for them...
Its wonderful to see the posts of those who have recently moved on and are doing well and seeing the light. It gives me great hope for my and my kids future.
Ive set myself a deadline to make a move. God, give me strength...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 68
I haven't posted in a while, but something told me to check the site today & saw that TC's post had been bumped it. It was her post about telling her AH that she wanted a divorce that stuck in my head for months while I got my head & heart in line with what I knew I needed to do (for me, my head knew, but my heart lagged behind.) Anyway, almost 3 weeks ago, I got the strength to sit down at dinner one night with my AH & told him that I was ready to move on. I was a nervous wreck for days before-hand & had a major meltdown the following day, but since then, I finally feel relief. Fortunately, AH is being agreeable to sorting out settlement terms so we can keep things as quick, inexpensive, and amicable as possible. Last Saturday night, I went out with a girl friend for the first time since asking for the divorce & had such a wonderful time (and enjoyed getting attention from a few men.) I felt a sense of freedom and excited anticipation as to what lies ahead for me in life; something I haven't felt for a very long time. So, TC, thank you for helping me, too, realize the strength to bring peace and happiness to my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Thank you for bumping this up. I know the same thoughts have gone through my mind. If he screws up again then I can say That's it--enough. I am done with this. However, I have had many opportunities in the last 6 months to say this and I have not. I know way back in some part of my brain there is some love--but that is the AH I created in my own mind--the one that he was if I ignored all the other stuff. He is a great guy when he is not drinking and getting high. He is a great father also.
But right now--during the beginning of his recovery--he is not so great. He is mean spiritied and is blaming all that goes wrong on me or older DS. Last night I came home from work to chaos (both kids are home sick). AH cannot handle being with the kids when he is not high. When I got home yesterday he told me older DS was driving a wedge in our marriage. So now it is not only my fault but older DS's fault. Yes, older DS has some serious issues--and if you don't handle them properly and realize what he is doing is not intentional it can drive you crazy. But sorry, DS is not his whipping boy and somehow our marriage problems had nothing to do with his alcohol/drug use or my response to them. I tried as hard as I could to tell AH that our relationship had not changed because of DS--his behavior has actually improved in the last 2 yeasrs--but that I have changed and my attitude has changed about our relationship. He did not wat to hear it and started his usual rant of nothing he will ever do will be good enough for me.
I really do not hate AH. I am feeling less and less animosity toward him. In my mind--if he would allow it himself--we too could have a better divorce than our marriage. He is so stuck on staying married through thick or thin--not wanting to lose face--that he cannot see this. If he would step back and look at his previous marriage he could see that whereas he hated his ex before--they are now good friends--but she also does not have to deal with his abuse anymore either.
Thanks again for bumping this up. It has made me think a lot about my own recovery today.
But right now--during the beginning of his recovery--he is not so great. He is mean spiritied and is blaming all that goes wrong on me or older DS. Last night I came home from work to chaos (both kids are home sick). AH cannot handle being with the kids when he is not high. When I got home yesterday he told me older DS was driving a wedge in our marriage. So now it is not only my fault but older DS's fault. Yes, older DS has some serious issues--and if you don't handle them properly and realize what he is doing is not intentional it can drive you crazy. But sorry, DS is not his whipping boy and somehow our marriage problems had nothing to do with his alcohol/drug use or my response to them. I tried as hard as I could to tell AH that our relationship had not changed because of DS--his behavior has actually improved in the last 2 yeasrs--but that I have changed and my attitude has changed about our relationship. He did not wat to hear it and started his usual rant of nothing he will ever do will be good enough for me.
I really do not hate AH. I am feeling less and less animosity toward him. In my mind--if he would allow it himself--we too could have a better divorce than our marriage. He is so stuck on staying married through thick or thin--not wanting to lose face--that he cannot see this. If he would step back and look at his previous marriage he could see that whereas he hated his ex before--they are now good friends--but she also does not have to deal with his abuse anymore either.
Thanks again for bumping this up. It has made me think a lot about my own recovery today.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Down Under
Posts: 25
I must have missed this post back in Feb, but boy it's hit me between the eyes this morning.
I'm telling my AH that the marriage is over on sunday. He's gone off for a fishing (definition: drinking) weekend which gives me time to gather the paperwork, pack a few bags. When he's arrives home I'll be there but the kids will be at my Mum's. I haven't slept all week knowing what I've got to do. But I feel hints of relief at the same time.
My reasons for holding off on the "it's over" chat were two-fold. On the one hand I wanted a major binge to happen so that I could feel some justification and on the other hand I'm the queen of avoiding confrontation, I'm so adept at smoothing the waters and calming everyone down that I couldn't resign myself to the fact that upsetting the kids etc would be instigated by me.
Thankfully I'm in a better place now and can see the bigger picture. Yes, the kids will be upset, yes the AH will probably make things difficult, yes, I will be embarrased by the gossip that my small community will thrive in for a couple of months, but - in the long run it's just something I have to get through. Peace, calmness and a bright future are about to come my way.
Sunday - I'm ready for you!
I'm telling my AH that the marriage is over on sunday. He's gone off for a fishing (definition: drinking) weekend which gives me time to gather the paperwork, pack a few bags. When he's arrives home I'll be there but the kids will be at my Mum's. I haven't slept all week knowing what I've got to do. But I feel hints of relief at the same time.
My reasons for holding off on the "it's over" chat were two-fold. On the one hand I wanted a major binge to happen so that I could feel some justification and on the other hand I'm the queen of avoiding confrontation, I'm so adept at smoothing the waters and calming everyone down that I couldn't resign myself to the fact that upsetting the kids etc would be instigated by me.
Thankfully I'm in a better place now and can see the bigger picture. Yes, the kids will be upset, yes the AH will probably make things difficult, yes, I will be embarrased by the gossip that my small community will thrive in for a couple of months, but - in the long run it's just something I have to get through. Peace, calmness and a bright future are about to come my way.
Sunday - I'm ready for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by RobinsFly
Holy smokes, Ago. Is this what you suggested I read?
Let me scoop my jaw off the floor....
TC, this is EXACTLY how I felt immediately after AH's last drunken episode. The clouds parted and I felt this tremendous sigh of relief that he blew it for the LAST time.
AH even said so: "This finally gives you an excuse to leave"
ing:
Let me scoop my jaw off the floor....
TC, this is EXACTLY how I felt immediately after AH's last drunken episode. The clouds parted and I felt this tremendous sigh of relief that he blew it for the LAST time.
AH even said so: "This finally gives you an excuse to leave"
ing:She's something our TC
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