blessed4x

Last night my AH decided he wanted to crawl in bed (not drinking) and snuggle. When he was met with indifference he started in on the same old, same old. He thinks I've been brainwashed. The difference was that this time I did not get sucked in. He knows I went to Alanon, I assume feels threatened, and is trying some new approaches to keep his status quo. He became sad, talked about the good times, how much he loves me, blah, blah, blah. While I admit it's a much gentler version of the past quacking, I can see it for what it is.

The bottom line is, he is able to say he drinks too much, but when "alcoholism" is brought up he's not going near it. He continues to refuse counseling and believes that I hold the magic key to his happiness. I'm so thankful that this time I didn't wake up with that crazy feeling that I'd been running in circles all night. I am not exactly sure where to go from here, but I know something in me has changed, and I think I'll do everything I can to get to my counselor or Alanon tonight to explore it a little further. Just wanted to share a little forward progres......albeit a baby step!

Bernadette

(((((blessed4x)))))))
it's a good feeling to know you are changing in healthy ways--it's like being a little green shoot in the spring when the dark and ice are gone and the soil is rich and you're just pushing, pushing, up towards the sun!

where to go from here? sounds like you are on a good path- keep doing what you're doing, keep the focus on you & the kids, keep the counseling/meetings discipline, and keep reaping the benefits of that work! More will be revealed.

peace,
b

Tally

When I first detatched I was told I was brainwashed too and that I came here too much and shouldn't listen to the people on this board because they didn't know it all. Thank god I ignored that quacking!

I find once you realise that you are being manipulated it is very easy to stand back and see the actual manipulation in progress. I could actually look at my BF whilst he was trying to manipulate me and see his facial expressions change and see his mind ticking overtime thinking about what to say next to reel me in. I also found when you know you are being manipulated it is so much easier to ignore.

If he's going for the "good old days" and the sad face the he's bringing out the big guns, lol...

I'd been brainwashed by him for so long it was a blessed relief to be "brainwashed" by you guys.

Stay strong, you know your truth x

Ago

Blessed,

I have to tell you how proud I am of you, your last posts have shown an incredible "shift" forward, although I am sorry it took such pain to do so.

Recovery is incredibly threatening to people still "stuck" in "old behavior", it threatens their very way of life.

17 years later I still have friends that "explain" their drinking to me, and point out how "messed up" I was before I got sober.

When I first began "setting boundaries" the biggest thing I had to watch for, and this is just for me (although I've witnessed this in many others) was "running over in their yard", setting a boundary (in their yard) "punching them", and then running away.

I am by no means suggesting you have done this, and I haven't seen you do this, I mention this for preemptive purposes, so maybe you can possibly avoid making the same mistakes I have made so many hundreds of times.

Every time I did this, it was used as "ammunition" to invalidate me, so what I do now instead is run things by my sponsor and support group before I shoot my mouth off, which is one of the most important "tools" I have in my toolbox today (a support group to check my thinking and restraint of pen and tongue....and email, which can be a deadly combination of both)

I believe it's part of the process of learning where our boundaries are, the reason I mention it is every time I did it I had to go back and make amends, and apologize, and it gave them "ammunition" to "invalidate" my recovery, it gave them something to point their finger at and say "you are doing this wrong, so this is ALL wrong (recovery)", and so YOU are wrong, and "bad" and it would set me back quite awhile.

It only harmed me....every time.

Anyhow, once again, I am very very proud of you, it takes incredible courage to start breaking patterns that have been in place for untold numbers of generations, that get handed down from Father to Son, and Mother to Daughter like Precious Family Heirlooms, when in fact they are what "keeps us sick" and picking harmful relationships to be in.



Keep coming back Kid, it just keeps getting better and better.

Chrysalis123

I did this toward my AH. All the "if only's". You sound strong and much better.

sillysquirrel

Until I came to this website a couple of weeks ago, I had no idea how manipulating my AH was nor did I know it was a symptom of alcoholism. I now realize (most of the time) when he is manipulating me and point it out to him. There are still plenty of occasions where I am still left asking myself if I did something to cause this (whatever the current argument is about, usually something very trivial). EVERYTHING that goes wrong in his life is someone elses fault. Wife, parents, brother, friend, kids, dog, teacher, boss, etc. He does not take responsibility for anything.

In response to blessed4x, good for you!! Your AH sounds alot like mine in that mine tends to think if he shows he cares (or pretends) I should immediately be happy with him and all is well. He also thinks that I have that magic key to happiness and if only I would quit holding grudges for past behavior and just be happy instead of so negative all of the time, our marriage would be great. It is all my fault, in his eyes. Why can't I just be happy, he wonders.

blessed4x

Hey, thanks for the kind words! It was so nice to get home from work and have some encouragement. Still planning on making that 6:30 meeting, and left a message with my counselor, so maybe I can squeeze that in over the next couple days too. It feels good to finally put some actions to words in learning to take care of me. I can see now that I made about as many excuses for avoiding my recovery as my AH has made for why he continues drinking......hmmm, maybe I'm on to something, LOL!