criscee

it has been advised that i seek one of the anon parts of this program so i'm starting here.

i am a recovering addict/alcoholic. i have been sober for almost 4 years. last year i got involved with a man who was having sobriety issues but had been in and out of the rooms for like 20 years and against my better judgment we got involved.

after 3 months of his constant relapsing i told him this wasn't fun anymore and he either pulled it together or went about his life without me. he went into detox 2 weeks later. when he came out he was living with me. he made promises to me that he had kept. he was gainfully employed and when he wasn't working he found something. he contributed into the relationship financially and emotionally. he was working a program of sorts.

2 months ago he had an accident in his bosses truck. against His better judgment he drove a truck he knew was not safe cuz the brakes were screwed. anyway his boss who is in the program instantly fired him.

well he was okay for a while. but he relapsed big time and has been doing so consistently. i can't live like this. i'm so frustrated. i don't trust him with money. i don't trust that he is doing what he says he's doing. he is so depressed. i can't even get him up to go look for work. i need him working or the ends won't meet for long.

i keep saying i do NOT want to live with an active alcoholic/addict. i do not know what to do from here. it is so frustrating and sad to me that he can't find one thing to be happy or grateful for. we have a great life. but obviously it's just not enough. i know it wasn't enough for me when i was using. but now what do i do?

thanks for any help!

Gabe

own problem. You aren't getting anything positive from this man. He isn't being responsible, you can't trust him and he isn't making you happy. Now it's up to you. You have to find a way to live a sane life and it doesn't sound like that life includes him. Making choices and decisions like this can be overwhelming. Try to come up with a plan and do one thing each day to move towards your goal. He isn't responsible for your happiness, you are.
In the meantime, keep reading and posting here if you find it helpful. Maybe try an Alanon meeting. Anything you can do to make you feel like you are pulling your life back together is a step in the right direction.
Welcome to the forum.
Peace,
Gabe

EyesOpen

It feels like cruelty, but if you want relief from his lifestyle, you're going to have to tap into your survival skills and cut him loose. Physically, emotionally, however much distance you need, take it.

I applaud the fact that you've made your recovery from your own addiction from substances. Now, use the same courage to recover from your addiction to him.

It may sound odd to call a relationship an addiction, but that's what staying in an unhealthy relationship long term becomes - an addiction. It's hanging on and on to something in the hopes that it will make you feel better but all it causes is pain.

P.S. Thanks for being honest about "having a great life wasn't enough for you when you were using". That makes alanoners like me feel relief from the guilt. We keep thinking that if we work hard enough, we can give the alcoholic a good enough life that they'll let go of the alcohol. Hearing testimonials like yours reminds me that riding that treadmill is pointless.

criscee

i keep thinking if the life is good, solid, beautiful that he'll see that and will stop himself from getting loaded. his sponsor told me that i had to put myself in his face and remember the victims i left in my own wake and then put on my nikes and start running.

i'm trying to give him this last chance. i'm sure you've heard it all before. intellectually i know what road i need to take. i'm sure he'll put me in that position in the not too distant future when he gets loaded again. i told him that will be it.

i do not want to learn to live with an alcoholic/addict. i can't accept that for myself. i was forced to set down these like ground rules that i know as an addict will only be met for a limited time. then i'll be done.

maybe i just feel like i can't do any better than that of punishing myself. i never in a million years thought that i would be going thru this kind of thing once i got sober. it was a vicious cycle when i was loaded but now i thought that would be the last problem i would have in a relationship and it seems to be the main one. funny how life goes full circle. i get to see how the things i did affected the people around me.

thanks for the input. i'm so glad to have someone here.

EyesOpen

Speaking of full circle:

I have a very dear friend who is a recovered alcoholic. After all the years of self-destruction, she got herself healthy.

Then, her teenage daughter was nearly killed in a car accident caused by a drunk driver in the other vehicle.

The ER docs had to cut an emergency incision pretty much right down the center of the daughter in order to address the internal injuries and save her life. She lost her spleen, they couldn't save it. She has a huge scar. She wonders if she got HIV from the blood transfusions that saved her life.

My friend wanted so badly to exchange places with her daughter -- she thought that it would be more "fair" if she was the victim of a drunk driver since she'd been a drunk driver herself for so many years.

But, this stuff isn't fair. It hurts everyone who gets around it.

Save yourself.

criscee

i don't really know what to say. i mean he's sober today. i know they say one day at a time and that is how i live my life. but with each new day comes new stress. he is depressed big time. he is seeking help for that but that depression ultimately takes him out. i just don't know. believe me i don't want to trade places with him. i've been down that road. it's a lot easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. i don't ever want to go thru that again. it's just funny to me that i can see it so clearly now the destruction i did. but when you're in it you just simply can't see the forest for the trees.

JT

I have gotten some of my best advice from recovering addicts. You have a unique perspective of what he is going through. He will not stop until the consequences of his actions become so unappealing that he has no choice.

Being a codie is a whole different can of worms. We can care ourselves to death. And for me it was the consequences of my own actions that drove me to recovery...it was not the addict. I was participating in his insanity by hovering, pleading, bitching, being a martyr and helping him out of his messes. This whole thing is between him and his higher power. Love him as much as you want but hands off!

Hugs,
JT

Daffodil

This is the way trying to "save"an acolcholic was put to me....

If he/she were bleeding to death; Would you cut your main arterity trying to save their life?

Noooo...I wouldn't. I'd call in the experts and get out of their way.....In the case of additions I have to get out of my Higher Power's way. As long as I am trying to "HELP" they will stay with the drug of their choice....

Today, I know that means LIVING my life and allowing others to live theirs. I can't give them soberiety no matter how much I love them...but I can love myself enough to live the life I've been given.

You can live your life and love him but the best way to love him (as I see it) in your case is by example...Your recovery is a mircle but it is your mircle, your recovery can contiue to grow and grow...and IF he wants what you have he'll do what you do to get it..

Love and prayers from one who cares....

criscee

that makes a lot of sense to me. you're right. the funny part of it is that last night's meeting topic was progress not perfection. i realize that i keep wanting him to fit in my "perfect" box. instead of living in today i am stressed out about tomorrow. so i'm trying to just relax for now. thanks for the analogy.