verbal abuse_he wont leave_afraid he will kill himself_please help
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Fort Myers, FL
Posts: 161
Originally Posted by babaluu 
[...]
richard was the most attentive and sweetest charming guy i have ever been with. he continuously told me how beautiful and sexy i am, and how he looked at me!! if he was in a conversation with someone else and i was arriving he would stop talking and turn and intently watch me walk up with his eyes never leaving mine. and then completely forget about who he was talking with and whoever else was there. he always moved my chair as close as possible to his and was never more interested in anything anyone else was saying than me. [...]
richard was the most attentive and sweetest charming guy i have ever been with. he continuously told me how beautiful and sexy i am, and how he looked at me!! if he was in a conversation with someone else and i was arriving he would stop talking and turn and intently watch me walk up with his eyes never leaving mine. and then completely forget about who he was talking with and whoever else was there. he always moved my chair as close as possible to his and was never more interested in anything anyone else was saying than me. [...]
I too feel you are in danger. Get out, don't tell him you're leaving, have no further contact with him. I know you like where you are, and there may come a time when you can return again in safety. But for now, err on the side of caution and safety. There are many more men who will treat like gold and be the caring partner you deserve.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 15
hello all, again thank you all for your opinions and experience.
i am a little embarrased to say that i am still here, things had, once again, gotten good when he said he would go for help. then after more violence with him trying to beat a friend up and the same old he wrote me an email today more or less saying that he would end it, but in a gentler way than before, leading me to believe there is some truth in it. he also, for the first time, said that the problems were his fault and told me how much he loved me (he normally blames this on me or something else)...he then went to one of his best friends to talk, who had no time and then to a couple of people that he had previous problems with and apologized and also left a message for someone to tell me that he loves me.
i feel these are the signs of suicide. he left and i have not seen him for 7 hours.....and feel this really could be what is happening/happened. i was going to leave today and he knew this and now i am still here because i feel i need to know if he has done that and if he has not that i would like to truly try and help him by offering to take him to an addiction center. i know i should not be doing this for someone who has treated me so badly but i also know he is sick.
i feel that i must do all that i can or if he does/did kill himself that i would blame myself or not blame myself but for sure feel that i did not help him the best i could.
he has been 10 years without anyone significant and i AM his life. he has absolutely nothing to live for.......
if he has not killed himself what CAN i do to give it my best shot but also and more importantly to not have to live my life with guilt?
i am a little embarrased to say that i am still here, things had, once again, gotten good when he said he would go for help. then after more violence with him trying to beat a friend up and the same old he wrote me an email today more or less saying that he would end it, but in a gentler way than before, leading me to believe there is some truth in it. he also, for the first time, said that the problems were his fault and told me how much he loved me (he normally blames this on me or something else)...he then went to one of his best friends to talk, who had no time and then to a couple of people that he had previous problems with and apologized and also left a message for someone to tell me that he loves me.
i feel these are the signs of suicide. he left and i have not seen him for 7 hours.....and feel this really could be what is happening/happened. i was going to leave today and he knew this and now i am still here because i feel i need to know if he has done that and if he has not that i would like to truly try and help him by offering to take him to an addiction center. i know i should not be doing this for someone who has treated me so badly but i also know he is sick.
i feel that i must do all that i can or if he does/did kill himself that i would blame myself or not blame myself but for sure feel that i did not help him the best i could.
he has been 10 years without anyone significant and i AM his life. he has absolutely nothing to live for.......
if he has not killed himself what CAN i do to give it my best shot but also and more importantly to not have to live my life with guilt?
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
The best thing you can do for you and him is to not help him......
He has to find help on his own and want it on his own otherwise he will not recover.
I hate to say this but, He has you just where he wants you. You were ready to leave....and now he has you sitting there waiting. It is manipulation.
You can not change what he is going to do.
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Now please go take care of yourself. :ghug2 If he does decide to recover, he WILL understand why you needed to leave.
He has to find help on his own and want it on his own otherwise he will not recover.
I hate to say this but, He has you just where he wants you. You were ready to leave....and now he has you sitting there waiting. It is manipulation.
You can not change what he is going to do.
Remember you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Now please go take care of yourself. :ghug2 If he does decide to recover, he WILL understand why you needed to leave.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 15
i know you are all right about the addict needing to make his own decision and seek help himself.
this situation is different though. there is nothing available right here and its sort of complicated to get around becasue the transport is only available sometimes and well, its just really difficult. moreso because of the "lifestyle" of the place...its a beach backpackers partyplace....and he has been here for 10 years surviving from fixing cars on teh street and he just lives, as everyone else, day to day. its impossible to plan anything here as circumstances and committments are the mexican "way of life" - nothing ever happens when it is supposed to....its hard to explain but, well, for example, he buys his shampoo in little packages when he needs them and has only a few clothes and his toolbox. he moves from room to room, if and when he does have a room. he did do criminal activities and did have a collection of guns before he had to leave the US..some of the posts above were such a learning experience, thank you all so much for that.
the worst is that he has probably two real friends here, and i am the first real girlfriend, where he would see a future with, in these ten sad years he has lived. he said that before he met me he just wanted to lay down and die. he lost his family in the us and can never go back. he has a horrible past. his father used to place bets on him, while drunk in the bars, from age 7 that his son could win beating up someone elses son - that his son was teh best. he was driving his parents home from the bar also at the age of 7 and started drinking on fridays with his dad around that age too. i often cry when i think of these things he has said.
he has fought some people here before but his behavior has never been what people are seeing here now. people here start to say that this is my fault and apparently he has convinced some that this is true, but one thing that is true from that is that he is much much worse now and this is because of me. the abusiveness is always when i tell him i want him to move out and am trying to end the relationship. last night he tried breaking the door down of a friend who has just arrived, 5 times and had me banned from the place....talking to the owner and someone, unbelievably convinced him that i am to blame. the employee chased him away with a machete and i was there only to try an stop him from beating my friend up. he keeps saying that i want him to leave because my friend is now here.
so, i know it is true what you are all saying - about me being in a bad situation and the best is to leave - but i feel that this is not a usual situation and the reason why his behavior is so bad is because he cares so much for me and i mean so much to him. me leaving him is taking away something beautiful he finally found after all those years...finally he had hope for the future. now his life is even worse without it. and when i met him he was happier and a better person than he is now. he always said that he drinks because "he has nothing to look forward to" or "nothing to go home to". he was already talking about going for a "long" swim when i did meet him and i am almost sure he really will take his life.
how can i just not care. i do love him and do care. no-one else does. can anyone understand this a little deeper and there just must be something i can do or something i can say so that this will not feel so bad for him. i just want him to be okay.
i would rather spend some time and money and have peace of mind....at least my relationship with him will not have harmed him further. i feel that our relationship brought a lot more emotions and feelings from the past out and this is the worst he has felt since in mexico. in the beginning when things were great he said on a couple of occassions that those were his best days in mexico. i want/wish only i could leave him as he was when i met him or preferably with something more positive. this is all so unbelivably negative for him - and me.
can anyone understand this a little deeper...and from your perspective think of what i could do to leave him in a good way/where he will be feeling better than now - if he is still alive.
i also dont understand why this is happening. ok the abuse problems started when i was upset that he does not do the things he says he will and then when i let him know he cant control me. does this also mean that he was almost definitely an abuser before as well? is it maybe a normal progression and that abusers will destroy their relationships and feel a need to hurt someone that had some control over their feelings.... i mean that no relationship would work for him...
anyhow i just want to leave him in a good way and that he can be happier than now. any suggestions?
this situation is different though. there is nothing available right here and its sort of complicated to get around becasue the transport is only available sometimes and well, its just really difficult. moreso because of the "lifestyle" of the place...its a beach backpackers partyplace....and he has been here for 10 years surviving from fixing cars on teh street and he just lives, as everyone else, day to day. its impossible to plan anything here as circumstances and committments are the mexican "way of life" - nothing ever happens when it is supposed to....its hard to explain but, well, for example, he buys his shampoo in little packages when he needs them and has only a few clothes and his toolbox. he moves from room to room, if and when he does have a room. he did do criminal activities and did have a collection of guns before he had to leave the US..some of the posts above were such a learning experience, thank you all so much for that.
the worst is that he has probably two real friends here, and i am the first real girlfriend, where he would see a future with, in these ten sad years he has lived. he said that before he met me he just wanted to lay down and die. he lost his family in the us and can never go back. he has a horrible past. his father used to place bets on him, while drunk in the bars, from age 7 that his son could win beating up someone elses son - that his son was teh best. he was driving his parents home from the bar also at the age of 7 and started drinking on fridays with his dad around that age too. i often cry when i think of these things he has said.
he has fought some people here before but his behavior has never been what people are seeing here now. people here start to say that this is my fault and apparently he has convinced some that this is true, but one thing that is true from that is that he is much much worse now and this is because of me. the abusiveness is always when i tell him i want him to move out and am trying to end the relationship. last night he tried breaking the door down of a friend who has just arrived, 5 times and had me banned from the place....talking to the owner and someone, unbelievably convinced him that i am to blame. the employee chased him away with a machete and i was there only to try an stop him from beating my friend up. he keeps saying that i want him to leave because my friend is now here.
so, i know it is true what you are all saying - about me being in a bad situation and the best is to leave - but i feel that this is not a usual situation and the reason why his behavior is so bad is because he cares so much for me and i mean so much to him. me leaving him is taking away something beautiful he finally found after all those years...finally he had hope for the future. now his life is even worse without it. and when i met him he was happier and a better person than he is now. he always said that he drinks because "he has nothing to look forward to" or "nothing to go home to". he was already talking about going for a "long" swim when i did meet him and i am almost sure he really will take his life.
how can i just not care. i do love him and do care. no-one else does. can anyone understand this a little deeper and there just must be something i can do or something i can say so that this will not feel so bad for him. i just want him to be okay.
i would rather spend some time and money and have peace of mind....at least my relationship with him will not have harmed him further. i feel that our relationship brought a lot more emotions and feelings from the past out and this is the worst he has felt since in mexico. in the beginning when things were great he said on a couple of occassions that those were his best days in mexico. i want/wish only i could leave him as he was when i met him or preferably with something more positive. this is all so unbelivably negative for him - and me.
can anyone understand this a little deeper...and from your perspective think of what i could do to leave him in a good way/where he will be feeling better than now - if he is still alive.
i also dont understand why this is happening. ok the abuse problems started when i was upset that he does not do the things he says he will and then when i let him know he cant control me. does this also mean that he was almost definitely an abuser before as well? is it maybe a normal progression and that abusers will destroy their relationships and feel a need to hurt someone that had some control over their feelings.... i mean that no relationship would work for him...
anyhow i just want to leave him in a good way and that he can be happier than now. any suggestions?
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
me leaving him is taking away something beautiful he finally found after all those years...finally he had hope for the future. now his life is even worse without it.
What he has done to sever relationsships in the US is NOT your fault.
You can not cause someone else to drink anymore than you can cause them to breath.
How about you leave and not tell him. That way he will not have time to make up an excuse for you to stay....or threaten to kill himself etc..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 15
Thank you all again for all the help! I did leave him a week ago, i planned to just sneak away but he caught me packing. he was not drunk and we went for a friendly goodbye drink where i told him to let us both please just remember the good. he walked me to the taxi and it was peaceful and easy.
he wrote me a couple times about how much he loves me and i just write back that i will not be with him until he has been sober for many months and he has fixed his "problems" and nothing personal or anything else.
now i am in guatemala and have 4 weeks of holidays left. i really love the beach there and really want to return. and truly NOT because of him, i would need to travel twice as far to somewhere else that is not as good.
am just wondering if anyone has a good idea of how i can successfully go back there and just remain aquaintances with him and be in peace there. there simply must be a way, he has no right to take my freedom away.... There MUST be a way. it will have been about 10 days since i left and he has not written me back since my email to him.
i am a little embarrassed to admit wanting to be there, after all that has happened., but it is about me and my freedom to do as i wish.
one idea, and i know this is really crazy, is to go back with a girlfriend explaining that I do not prefer men anymore. yes, crazy i know. so far its all i have come up with....there must be a better way...
any suggestions??
he wrote me a couple times about how much he loves me and i just write back that i will not be with him until he has been sober for many months and he has fixed his "problems" and nothing personal or anything else.
now i am in guatemala and have 4 weeks of holidays left. i really love the beach there and really want to return. and truly NOT because of him, i would need to travel twice as far to somewhere else that is not as good.
am just wondering if anyone has a good idea of how i can successfully go back there and just remain aquaintances with him and be in peace there. there simply must be a way, he has no right to take my freedom away.... There MUST be a way. it will have been about 10 days since i left and he has not written me back since my email to him.
i am a little embarrassed to admit wanting to be there, after all that has happened., but it is about me and my freedom to do as i wish.
one idea, and i know this is really crazy, is to go back with a girlfriend explaining that I do not prefer men anymore. yes, crazy i know. so far its all i have come up with....there must be a better way...
any suggestions??
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There are many beautiful, beautiful beaches in Mexico and Central America. Consider Costa Rica. Consider Belize.
Going back, you run the risk of serious drama, triggering pain and bad feelings in both of you (especially him, from the sound of it), and more trouble. Living a lie -- this is what you want?
There is no beach in the world that could entice me to mess with my sanity in that way. Good luck with everything!
Going back, you run the risk of serious drama, triggering pain and bad feelings in both of you (especially him, from the sound of it), and more trouble. Living a lie -- this is what you want?
There is no beach in the world that could entice me to mess with my sanity in that way. Good luck with everything!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 56
Your freedom is in choosing to be safe or be in danger. You cannot force him to live at peace with you or in any other way. You might really want to think about why you MUST be at that beach...You can only control you actions - not the behavior of anyone else.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 8
>>anyhow i just want to leave him in a good way and that he can be happier than now. any suggestions?<<
He met you and you showed him what love is. That, in and of itself, appears to be the one light in this man's life. If you walk away, you will have left him with the hope that there is another, better, different way to live, and that his current way is absolutely unacceptable. He can be happier now because you have shown him love.... But right now it's time to really love yourself and walk away, knowing that you did your part in his life....
He met you and you showed him what love is. That, in and of itself, appears to be the one light in this man's life. If you walk away, you will have left him with the hope that there is another, better, different way to live, and that his current way is absolutely unacceptable. He can be happier now because you have shown him love.... But right now it's time to really love yourself and walk away, knowing that you did your part in his life....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
I would not go back later. As others have said there are plenty of beautiful places to go that are not near him. It sounds like before you left he was extremely violent. Even though he seemed to calm down and you had what seemed a peaceful parting--you are maintaining contact with him.
Also, I would not tell him that when he has been sober a particular period of time you can start again. He needs to get sober for himself--not as a condition of your relationship.
Someone yesterday recommended some excellent books on Codependence--I went to Amazon and ordered both:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie and The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Co-Dependents-same author. If you can find them--maybe give them a read and see if you recognize yourself.
Keep yourself safe and away from a potentially volatile situatioin. Like people said--there are many beaches out there. You are in Guatemala now?--ever been to Panahachel, Lake Atitlan--it has been awhile since I was there--but when I went it was one of the most peaceful place I have ever been. Peace might be nice. . .
Also, I would not tell him that when he has been sober a particular period of time you can start again. He needs to get sober for himself--not as a condition of your relationship.
Someone yesterday recommended some excellent books on Codependence--I went to Amazon and ordered both:
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie and The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations for Co-Dependents-same author. If you can find them--maybe give them a read and see if you recognize yourself.
Keep yourself safe and away from a potentially volatile situatioin. Like people said--there are many beaches out there. You are in Guatemala now?--ever been to Panahachel, Lake Atitlan--it has been awhile since I was there--but when I went it was one of the most peaceful place I have ever been. Peace might be nice. . .
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
a fire is a beautiful thing - but if i get close enough to it - it will burn me.
sometimes we have to stay far away from things that are beautiful so that we will not harm ourselves.
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
sometimes we have to stay far away from things that are beautiful so that we will not harm ourselves.
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
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