babaluu

If someone has any experience or advice please offer it.

I am in a situation where my boyfriend is an alcoholic and also an adult child, his parents were both alcoholics and he grew up in bars. We are breaking up due to him never doing anything he says he will and he lies, he lies about everything and anything. I believe he loves me but now he has started with abuse. It began with extreme jealousy, if I spoke with any other man but especially from me using my computer. He says I spend the whole day talking to other men. We started fighting about this and I stopped going out with the fear that he should see me talking to another man. Things began to get ugly as I got fed up and can not accept this unhealthy behavior in my relationship. I asked him to please move out and he has every excuse and shows up every day. The one day when I really forced him leaving he came back saying he took 6 heart pills and tried to kill himself. It is possible that he did take some pills, he survived and of course I comforted him and started to show love again. I feel it was to make me feel sorry for him and it worked. In fact the relationship was good for a whole day after that. When I insisted he still move out he kept saying that then it was over. I tried to talk to him and told him that he needs professional help for his drinking but also his past and as he calls it “skeletens in the closet”. I told him that if he moved out I would help him with this and that my goal was to still be together. Last night he came back late and got in the door by saying that he went and found somewhere where he could get some help and asked me to go with him. Earlier in the day however he followed me everywhere and I escaped him and hid, he has started to verbally abuse me by calling me a whole, **** and worse words, he yells this on the street in front of everyone and then he started fighting with people and also he tried to pick up some girls by attempting to kiss them etc…etc….it is becoming horrendous.

In the last few hours he has been coming to my door threatening to break it down saying he wants to check what I am doing on my computer and when I don’t open it he starts to call me the same names. He then goes outside the building and yells it at me and all the people on the street can hear it. He comes back every 10 minutes and repeats it. He sat outside the restaurant that I ate at tonight and when the waiter was talking to me came in and threatened him and told him that I am his woman, almost starting a fight.

The difficult part here is that I am in mexico in a place without police and anyhow I would not want to involve the police and hurt him. He does have violent tendencies and does fight. Many people here at this small beach have never seen him act this bad. He is telling everyone off….and threatening to hurt them. He has been trapped here for 10 years and says I am the only woman he has ever felt this way, I suppose this could be true since he tatooed my name on his arm. I believe he is sufferring immensely.

I do not know what to do. One option, which I will very likely take very soon is just to leave. My concern is not for myself here (although if anyone has experienced something similar – please let me know if I should be more worried about my safety than I think!!) he has hit me once not punched me but a slap in the face with both hands, he denies he did this of course.

i must also mention that he owns nothing, works hard for very little money and drinks all of his money away... he has no life here except for his alcohol.

I am worried for him, and worried what will happen once I leave. Is it a good idea for him also that I leave here or is there something more I can do. Is there something I can say to him to stop all this from happening, ease his mind……..is there something, anything I can do??!!! I really like it here and would like to stay……I am at total odds what to do and if you are giving advice please remember that this is mexico and things do not work the same as other countries. I really do want to help him. What is my best option to do this??

he needs his mind eased, he makes threats saying what would happen if i sleep with someone else. he is extremely insecure....

Any help would be very very helpful, please….

Thank you very kindly.

escape artist

Get out and don't look back. Leave him to himself. He is a grown man and you NEED to get out and get away and be safe from him. You are helping him by helping yourself. Please read the stickies at the top about abusive relationships, but please do not wait to leave. Good luck and keep in touch.

laurie6781

Call the police.

HE HAS THREATENED YOU. He is a danger to himself and others.

You are in danger.

If need be, please find the nearest Domestic Violence Center and call them.

This is escalating and it sounds like fast.

You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for him. If he were to attempt suicide that too is NOT YOUR FAULT but the fault of his lousy thinking process and reality because of his drinking.

If he won't leave, or police won't take him away, you leave.

I do not mean to frighten you but to do hope you will look deeply at the seriousness of the situation you are in.

Love and hugs,

babaluu

but how does it normally work, when verbal/emotional/physical abuse starts does it always worsen? it is my first experience in this type of relationship...

the worst is that the relationship was the most wonderful one i ever had, or i should say how he made me feel. you know when you see two people that stare each other in the eyes and look so perfect together, that was us!!

is there a way i can get this back,...would serious counselling help this, perhaps.

for sure i will leave, probably tomorrow, and i am feeling i will write him a letter explaining what help he needs and if he could do that then we could try again.

or, how does it work, once abuse starts it will always be there, and worsen?

there are no police or shelters here, he could break into my room i suppose, i think he will just get drunker tonight and maybe stay away. the last time he came back which has been a half hour, the longest time yet, and he said he wanted to check my computer i told him i was writing a verbal/mental abuse forum for advice. i wonder if that perhaps made some sense to him....he has not been back as of yet.

jehnifer

hey babaluu how are things going now? has he been back to bother you? im here if you want to chat...

want2bfreenow

Babaluu, I hope you are ok. I have witnessed a few abusive relationships and from my experience they don't get better. Everything is wonderful at first, they make you feel like you are the most beautiful, sexiest woman alive. Once you fall for them and they "got you" it's all down hill. Of course, I'm no expert, but my biological father was abusive with my mother and I have had friends over the years in these types of relationships and none of them ever got better. His mental health is NOT your responsibility! There is NOTHING you can say to ease his mind or help him get better. Please leave and don't look back. Be safe!

babaluu

hi, thank you all so much......i feel like i understand so much more now about how and why this is happening. i also see that i can not help him and am not responsible for him. i feel stronger now and know i will have my attitide and happiness back soon!

i will leave tomorrow and without telling him.

the thing i am more interested to learn about now is how "abusive men" operate...the quote from want2befreenow "Everything is wonderful at first, they make you feel like you are the most beautiful, sexiest woman alive. Once you fall for them and they "got you" it's all down hill.". that is interesting!! so, they are more skilled at getting woman to fall for them.

richard was the most attentive and sweetest charming guy i have ever been with. he continuously told me how beautiful and sexy i am, and how he looked at me!! if he was in a conversation with someone else and i was arriving he would stop talking and turn and intently watch me walk up with his eyes never leaving mine. and then completely forget about who he was talking with and whoever else was there. he always moved my chair as close as possible to his and was never more interested in anything anyone else was saying than me. it seemed like it was always he and i talking. continuous affection, always asking me if i had a spare kiss lying around.... i left after a wonderful month with him and while away for two months jealousy started coming through a bit in emails. things were only good for a week when i got back (but partly cause i gave him a hard time for not doing things he said he would do).,..and things these last two weeks got progressively worse. i guess he figured he "had me" since i came back here for him. damned interesting that is.

who else has had similar experiences to this....like it being ones greatest love ever. and why is they are so skilled at wonderful romantic behavior when deep down and in truth they are total negative destructive uncaring and unloving jerks?? how is this, how does this all work? i mean after all it isnt love, is it?? he doesnt love me he wants to hurt me. or, can they truly have the same emotion of true/real love?

escape artist

how can you tell when is an addict is lying??????? whenever his lips are moving. you are being manipulated and his sweet talk is his BIG hook. get the hook out of your mouth and RUN

MeHandle

>>You are NOT RESPONSIBLE for him. If he were to attempt suicide that too is NOT YOUR FAULT but the fault of his lousy thinking process and reality because of his drinking.>>

I agree with Laurie. Quoted above.

What you are experiencing is a norm of progression of how the alcoholic handles things because of his immature emotions , coupled by his related sick thinking. YOu can not change or predict what he might do next. He doesn't know for sure. You do not know at this point how he interprets anything you say or do, his ability to think is imaired. Since you are saying you have no means of depending on police you need to be prepared to make decisions that will protect you. Please be honest with yourself so that you can do what is necessary. You can't protect yourself and protect him from himself in this situation.

Daisy30

I just wanted to add a few things. You need to take care of yourself "there is a first time for everything". When living with an active acoholic things will get progressively worse. Just when you think he has hit bottom, the bottom drops out.

Remember you didn't cause this disease, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Get out of the there, and start educating yourself about alcoholism. There are lots of great books listed in the "classic reading" sticky.

A quick, easy read that helped me in thebeginning is "Marriage on the Rocks".

Take care of yourself, your safety should be your priority

Keep reading and posting

want2bfreenow

As I said in my original post, I am no expert and everything I say is purely my opinion based on what I have witnessed in the abusive relationships I have seen.

That said, I don't believe they are more skilled at getting woman to fall for them per say, but they say and do all the right things in the beginning to wrap you around their fingers. Of course, everyone in a new relationship is always on their best behavior, but I believe they take it to the next level. Once you are in-love and committed, its starts with little jealousies. From what I have seen, it progresses little by little into controlling everything you do. Eventually, they try to get you to cut off your family and friends. In the beginning they put you up on a pedestial, and then slowly bring you down and make you feel like you are incapable of living without them. Sometimes it also progresses to physical abuse.

Again, all this is only based on my experience and is opinion. Please take care of yourself and know that you are not responsible for his alcoholism or well being. The threat of suicide is nothing more than his attempts at emotional blackmail. My first DH threatened this, and finally I told him if he was going to do to just do it and quit talking about it. That pretty much stopped that talk.

:praying

mtr

As I read this I could see a pattern of possessive behavior through your rose colored glasses. Be good to yourself and put yourself first. I pray that you will run and don't look back. The longer you stay the more trapped you'll feel.

I wish you wellness and peace.

Chrysalis123

I read a great book that helped me understand abusive. It was called, "Why Does he do That?" by Lundy Bancroft

Gold

You are already in an abusive relationship. He is being emotional abusive and that cycle of behaviour needs to stop. The cycles get closer together and worse. Emotional abuse can be extremely desrtuctive and can lead to phyisical abuse.. I agree with the other posts. You need to get out.

Please educate yourself on abuseive relationships. there is much valuable literature around including internet information.

Do not buy into his manipulative game of threatening suicide. That is the ultimate manipulative tactic.

Hugs to you.

FormerDoormat

Following is a list of pre-incident indicators associated with spousal abuse:

1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger.
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse affects.
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct.
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses.
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior.
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."
16. He projects extreme emotions onto others (hate, love, jealousy, commitment) even when there is no evidence that would lead a reasonable person to perceive them.
17. He minimizes incidents of abuse.
18. He spends a disproportionate amount of time talking about his wife/partner and derives much of his identity from being her husband, lover, etc.
19. He tries to enlist his wife's friends or relatives in a campaign to keep or recover the relationship.
20. He has inappropriately surveilled or followed his wife/partner.
21. He believes others are out to get him.
22. He resists change and is described as inflexible, unwilling to compromise.
23. He identifies with or compares himself to violent people in films, news stories, fuction, or history.
24. He suffers mood swings or is sullen, angry, or depressed.
25. He consistently blames others for problems of his own making.
26. He refers to weapons as instruments of power, control, or revenge.
27. Weapons are a substantial part of his persona; he has a gun or he talks about, jokes about, reads about, or collects weapons.
28. He uses "male privilege" as a justification for his conduct (treats her like a servent, makes all the big decisions, acts like the "master of the house").
29. He experienced or witnessed violence as a child.
30. His wife/partner fears he will injure or kill her. She has discussed this with others or has plans to be carried out in the event of her death (e.g., designating someone to care for her children).

So what can we tell a woman who thinks she (or her children--emphasis mine) might be injured? Seek and apply strategies that make you unavailable to your pursuer. If you really believe you are at risk, battered women's shelters provide the best way to be safe. Shelter locations are secret, and the professionals there understand what the legal system doesn't; that the issue is safety--not justice....It is unfair that (the abuser) gets away unpunished, but it is more important that you come away unhurt....Shelters are where the safety is, where guidance is, and where wisdom is. Admittedly, going to a shelter is a major and inconvenient undertaking, and it's easy to see why so many victims are lured by the good news that a restraining order will solve the whole problem. But imagine that your doctor said you needed immediate surgery to save your life. Would you ask, "Isn't there a piece of paper I can carry instead?"

Excerpts from "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker

FormerDoormat

"But he has such potential." "When he's not drinking he's the sweetest, kindest, gentlest man I know." These are phrases I hear often on SR and two I used for many years until I was able to chip away my layers of denial and see my situation for what it really was.

In his book, "The Gift of Fear," Gavin DeBecker addressed this issue in a way I thought might be useful to others on this forum, so I'll share it here:

One of the most common errors in selecting a boyfriend or spouse is basing the prediction on potential. This is actually predicting what certain elements might add up to in some different context: He isn't working now, but he could be really successful. He's going to be a great artist--of course he can't paint under present circumstances. He's a little edgy and aggressive these days, but that's just until he gets settled.

Listen to the words: isn't working; can't paint; is aggressive. What a person is doing now is the context for successful predictions, and marrying a man on the basis of potential, or for that matter hiring an employee solely on the basis of potential, is a sure way to interfere with intiution. That's because the focus on potential carries our imagination to how things might be or could be and away from how they are now.

Spousal abuse is comitted by people who are with remarkable frequency described by their victims as having been "the sweetest, the gentlest, the kindest, the most attentive," etc. Indeed, many were all of these things during the selection process and often still are--between violent incidents.

But even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always choose to detect them. I made these points on a recent television interview, and a young woman called in and said, "You're wrong, there's no way you can tell when a man will turn out to be violent. It just happens out of no where." She went on to describe how her ex-husband, an avid collector of weapons, became possessive immediately after her marriage, made her account for all of her time, didn't allow her to have a car, and frequently displayed jealously.

Could these things be warning signs?

In continuing her description of this awful man, she said, "His first wife died as a result of beatings he gave her."

Could that have been a warning sign? But people don't see the signs, maybe because our process of falling in love is in large measure the process of choosing not to see faults, and that requires some denial. This denial is doubtless necessary in a culture that glorifies the kind of romance that leads young couples to rush to get married in spite of all the reasons they shouldn't, and fifty-year-old men to follow what is euphemistically called their hearts into relationships with their young secretaries and out of relationships with their middle-aged wives. This is, frankly, the kind of romance that leads to more failed relationships than successful ones.

The issue of selection and choice brings to mind the important work of psychologist Nathaniel Branden, author of "Honoring the Self." He tells of the woman who says: "I have the worst luck with men. Over and over again, I find myself in these relationships with men who are abusive. I just have the worst luck." Luck has very little to do with it, because the glaringly common characteristic of each of this woman's relationships is her. My observations about selection are offered to enlighten victims, not to blame them, for I don't believe that violence is a fair penality for bad choices. But I do believe they are choices.

- Gavin DeBecker, "The Gift of Fear"

Powerful stuff and tons of useful information for anyone who's ever made poor relationship choices now or previously. This should be on the top of every woman's reading list.

FormerDoormat

The best advice I've seen hands down regarding how to handle stalkers can be found in "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Debecker. How you handle a stalking situation is very important to your safety. Well meaning police know little about how to handle the situation and often escalate it. The best place to go for advice on how to handle this situation is a woman's shelter.

One quick piece of advice: don't do anything with the intention of angering him. He's dangling a worm, don't take the bait. This is a dangerous game he's playing. Don't be his partner. Contact a woman's shelter and ask for their advice and pick up a copy of "The Gift of Fear" TODAY. It's worth every penny.

FormerDoormat

May I offer a few more words of advice? This is a public forum and your boyfriend is able to see everything you post about him. And while his stalking efforts are resulting in a negative response from you, he's still getting a response--one that he's able to read online--and that's better in his mind than no response at all.

The best response is none at all. Not here, not via e-mail, not via phone. Remember what I posted above: the best way to handle a stalker is make yourself completely unavailable to him. That means don't open the door to him, don't open his e-mails, don't answer his phone calls, don't post about his efforts on line, don't open his snail mail, etc.

When he no longer can reach you in any shape or form, his efforts will be in vain, and he will tire of the game. But you'll learn that soon now that you know about "The Gift of Fear." Please read the chapter on "Intimate Partners" first then go back and read the entire book from beginning to end.

Gold

Wise advice.

GiveLove

Yes, but only
1) If you live, and
2) If you dare to stand up for yourself

If you are content to shut yourself in a cell, never talk to another human being, take all the abuse that is dished out, and do nothing to protect yourself because HIS security and happiness mean more to you than YOURS do, then you'll be just fine.

I hope you'll choose otherwise. You may have to live somewhere else....you have gotten into a very dangerous situation. Assuming he is seriously screwed up mentally and makes the personal choice to end his life, a jealous suicide will sometimes choose not to "go" alone. PLEASE take care of yourself out there.