Reddmax

First I'd like to thank everyone that responded to my last post. You were a bit rough, but I probably needed the tough love.

My situation now.

Well, I'm out of the house and away from the craziness. We're still being civil, but I don't know how long that will last, and its not something I can control.

I have a good friend, who's letting me stay, so I have someone sane to help me check my reality.

My position regarding my life. I'm going to do what's best for me. As I told the AW the morning after I left, via phone, I've had enough. I'm going forward in my life, and her decisions are her decisions. She has to decide what's important to her, and who is important to her. I will take some time for myself to think about myself, and then I will take action in my own best interests.

So... feelings... I'm miserable, anxious, having trouble sleeping. But, I was miserable, anxious, and having trouble sleeping while living with an active A. The pluses in the situation is that no one screams abuse at me, I'm relaxed (when I'm not worried), and I don't have to clean up anyone else's messes.

The negatives are regret.... for a lot of things, both mine and the AW. I can only control myself, so I've got to let things go. Maybe the horse will learn to sing.

Redd

laurie6781

Now would be a good time Redd, to either start attending AlAnon on a regular basis or beef up the meetings you are already attending.

There you will get GREAT face to face feedback, and some really good tips on how to 'keep working on you.'

I am sorry if we sounded 'rough on you' but you were at the point you needed a good 'boot in the azz.' rofl

Now you have some space, some serenity, and time to work on you.

Keep moving forward. Way to go!

Love and hugs,

Ago

Well Done Redd

I reiterate what Laurie says, for me, if I didn't change I just kept going back to the "buffet" and ordering the same thing off the "menu" and it got worse each time, until I DID start going to meetings and taking action and personal responsibility for my own choices and breaking my life long patterns then each "item" I got was a little healthier.

This touched every aspect of my life, from interpersonal relationships with my friends and family to actual romantic relationships, plus I can't convey how much actual face to face meetings and working the steps made me "feel better" until I actually had a strange feeling in my tummy I didn't even recognize that I eventually came to understand was "happiness".....it was very confusing.

lovtolaff

Hi Redd. I don't think I've ever posted to you before but I wanted to come by and tell you that it WILL get better.

This too takes time to get through. It's like being sat down out of a tornado. What do you do with yourself now that it's just you? After xabf moved out I went for weeks not wanting to go home because it was too quiet and depressing without all of the "excitement" (how sick is that?) Luckily I had a friend that would let me come hang out for a couple of hours and let me babble on about things.

I'm not a meeting go-er but I have read alot and spent alot of time focusing on me and why I let someone like x in my life in the first place. It's been 7 months and I'm really starting to see him for what he was....broken.

Anyways - just wanted you to know that it does get better but you should continue reading here and posting often - I found that the more posts I read and really thought about, the better I felt.

Peace to you. Breathe....long deep breaths. Embrace the "quiet".

cmc

Hi Redd...thanks for the update and I'm glad that things are getting better for you.
Al-Anon helps me with those feelings, regrets and fears too.
Take care.

MeHandle

>>So... feelings... I'm miserable, anxious, having trouble sleeping. But, I was miserable, anxious, and having trouble sleeping while living with an active A. The pluses in the situation is that no one screams abuse at me, I'm relaxed (when I'm not worried), and I don't have to clean up anyone else's messes.

The negatives are regret.... for a lot of things, both mine and the AW. I can only control myself, so I've got to let things go. Maybe the horse will learn to sing.>>

Hi Redd,

I am pretty new here, but went back and read some of our post.

So are you miserable , anxious and not sleep because your worried?

Sounds like you have the solution though,"to let things go."

So what are you worried about that you can't let go of?
( I know I strung this all together, but am I on to something?)

At least no one is screaming abuse at you anymore so you have "cut down." lol

FormerDoormat

Now you're talkin' some sense, Redd. YEAH!

herewego

Loving detachment is a good tool to have at a time like this. Its hard to define but I read in odat that it is not a wall you build, as in boundry setting, but a bridge. I look at it as transformative. Sometimes it does mean leaving a relationship behind.
I'm gaining so much in my alanon recovery that it no longer matters quite so much what my AH is doing in his recovery. Solid recovery=fewer doubts and regrets.

Lilyflower

Redd thanks for the update! I am glad you are taking positive steps for your highest good.

The space away from your AW will indeed help you gain perspective and a clearer mind. I hope you take this time to check on you, address your issues, i.e. what is making your anxious/worry? What messages are you hearing that make you feel the way you are feeling?

I know with me, when I feel the way you described, it is usually my way of trying as best I can to control a situation to make it turn out in my best interest, rather than allowing things to happen and being open to change and healing.

For example, when I worry, I am trying to think of every possible senario that can happen or conversation I will have and overthinking everything that I will do or say or avoid etc etc. I am trying the best to control the events, sometimes known, sometimes imagined, into turning into what i want; or mistakenly believing that if I worry about them enough, I may have the power to avoid going through them at all.

The way out is through - through the feelings, through the situations, feel what you feel and understand its origin. That is the best thing I did for myself.

Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

MsPINKAcres

((Redd))

hate that things were rough - it is difficult to make that decision to leave and it is one that everyone has to make in their own time frame.

What has helped me since I made the decision is lots of self-care - meetings, reading literature and taking care of myself (sleep when I can, good meals, exercise - just lots of healthy things)

Sending out lots of prayers and good thoughts for you!!

HUGS,
Rita

Pajarito

(((Redd))) I am so glad to hear you've removed yourself from the chaos. From what you posted about feeling anxious- I felt the same. I have heard/read that we become "addicted" to the chaos- to the alcoholic. Now that I've had some distance and time to step back and see him for who he is, as well as who I can be if I let myself, I feel better. It's taken a lot of reading, counseling, meetings and surrounding myself with healthy people to realize how unhealthy my situation was. Try not to have so many regrets. You did the best you could with what you had at the time. What is important now is you- protecting the quiet, safe place you have now to do some good things for yourself. Right now you just have today- I hope you will do something to enjoy it! Take care. . .

respektingme

Redd, if you're around, just wanted to say I hope you are doing well and have more peace now in whatever decision you've made.

baileyboop

Good to hear from you, Redd.