Approaching 90 day mark.....opinions please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Approaching 90 day mark.....opinions please
My A-BF is approaching his new 90-days sober mark this week.
I am incredibly proud of him, particularly since 90 days ago from TODAY I was not sure he would live to see 2009
What are people's thoughts on marking this day.....there is a very cool store near me called the Peace Love Serenity shop, that has all sorts of recovery themed items...I was thinking of getting him something, and getting a card with some special thoughts. Not some big public display, just us.
BUT....is this ok to do?
For me, this 90 day mark is huge, is great, is awesome
But, for the person IN recovery....do they want the day mentioned, or do they want it to be just another day?
I want him to know how proud I am of his progress, but I don't want to do anything that might be offensive.
I am incredibly proud of him, particularly since 90 days ago from TODAY I was not sure he would live to see 2009
What are people's thoughts on marking this day.....there is a very cool store near me called the Peace Love Serenity shop, that has all sorts of recovery themed items...I was thinking of getting him something, and getting a card with some special thoughts. Not some big public display, just us.
BUT....is this ok to do?
For me, this 90 day mark is huge, is great, is awesome
But, for the person IN recovery....do they want the day mentioned, or do they want it to be just another day?
I want him to know how proud I am of his progress, but I don't want to do anything that might be offensive.
I'm just a little unwell
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,219
As a recovering A who's not too far past 90 days, I am going to say I'd be tickled if my partner realized it, thought about it, and wanted to do something nice for me to show me he was proud of me for it. I think it's very sweet.
What's his attitude like these days? Does he seem happy and relaxed, or does he seem like he's struggling and is depressed?
I think it's awesome that you're even considering it.
What's his attitude like these days? Does he seem happy and relaxed, or does he seem like he's struggling and is depressed?
I think it's awesome that you're even considering it.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Would you throw a party for him if he finally got a job after years of sitting on the couch? Nobody throws a party for me when I choose to go to work every day--even when I don't feel like it. And nobody throws a party for me when I choose, as I do every day, to drink responsibly.
Acting like a responsible adult isn't cause for celebration in my opinion; it's expected.
Acting like a responsible adult isn't cause for celebration in my opinion; it's expected.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I can't speak for your ABF, but I know for me that those milestones like 90 days were huge and it felt so good to be recognized for making it that far. My loved ones live a distance away, and I only had my young daughter with me, so my celebration was at my local 12 step group where I received my 90 day coin. 
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
I was not talking about a "party" I was talking about an acknowledgment.
How does he seem? Well.....he seems strong and determined. He does have days he seems down, but I think that has a lot to do with some financial issues....at least when we talk, that is where his focus is
How does he seem? Well.....he seems strong and determined. He does have days he seems down, but I think that has a lot to do with some financial issues....at least when we talk, that is where his focus is
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Just wanted to update.
I went to that store, which was WONDERFUL....I bought him a great book (Daily Reflections), a Serenity Prayer card with a medallion, a great Blue Mountain card....and wrote him a note expressing a lot of things. We stayed in, I made a nice dinner.
He seemed very touched....and had not realized it was Day 90....was proud, but said it is just a small step.
Anyway, just wanted everyone to know it went well, and thank you all for your input.
I went to that store, which was WONDERFUL....I bought him a great book (Daily Reflections), a Serenity Prayer card with a medallion, a great Blue Mountain card....and wrote him a note expressing a lot of things. We stayed in, I made a nice dinner.
He seemed very touched....and had not realized it was Day 90....was proud, but said it is just a small step.
Anyway, just wanted everyone to know it went well, and thank you all for your input.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
JerseyGirl,
I celebrate every great thing my H does.....and every great thing I do. So I'm glad you shared how you felt with him, and I'm glad he was touched by it. IMHO that's the way it's supposed to work (and vice-versa of course)
I celebrate every great thing my H does.....and every great thing I do. So I'm glad you shared how you felt with him, and I'm glad he was touched by it. IMHO that's the way it's supposed to work (and vice-versa of course)
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
The _only_ reason I would not buy a small token or card would be if that gift or token came with expectations either from myself or them.
I don't attend anniversaries at meetings unless asked and even then have on a few occasions declined going, because at the time (in the past) listening to their side of _my_ sad story was not productive for me.
I'm thrilled to support my family and friends in their recovery efforts just as they support me in my own. At this time in my life- these celebrations are like the cherry on top of a whipped cream sundae; something to be grateful of and enjoy.
I don't attend anniversaries at meetings unless asked and even then have on a few occasions declined going, because at the time (in the past) listening to their side of _my_ sad story was not productive for me.
I'm thrilled to support my family and friends in their recovery efforts just as they support me in my own. At this time in my life- these celebrations are like the cherry on top of a whipped cream sundae; something to be grateful of and enjoy.
JTinStLouis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 115
I think it is a wonderful idea to offer your thoughts and share that you are proud of your loved one for anything you seem fit. For me I am also an A who is about 100 days sober and yes each of the 30 days have been milestones for me. I do hold the coins in a special place as they are important reminders of where I am, where I have come from, and where I need to continue to go.
Good for you and good for him being humble in the receiving of your gifts.
JT
Good for you and good for him being humble in the receiving of your gifts.
JT
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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Congratulations on you abf reaching 90 days of sobriety. I'm sure he has faced many challenges. There is nothing easy about walking the road towards recovery.
I guess your post made me think of a question regarding our recovery from codependency. After I worked my fourth step, nobody gave me a card. My sponsor helped me along the way, and after I worked through this step, she urged me to continue digging deeper.
I wonder if our own hard-fought recovery is deserving of a card or a book as well. Don't we frequently become as sick, if not sicker than the alcoholic in our lives?
I guess your post made me think of a question regarding our recovery from codependency. After I worked my fourth step, nobody gave me a card. My sponsor helped me along the way, and after I worked through this step, she urged me to continue digging deeper.
I wonder if our own hard-fought recovery is deserving of a card or a book as well. Don't we frequently become as sick, if not sicker than the alcoholic in our lives?
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by prodigal 
I wonder if our own hard-fought recovery is deserving of a card or a book as well. Don't we frequently become as sick, if not sicker than the alcoholic in our lives?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Y'now, I thought about this thread overnight, to let it settle. I agree that it's ridiculous to reward people for normal behavior. I agree that we should support our loved ones.
After the fog cleared here's what I came up with.
It's NOT normal for an alcoholic to be sober. So, it is an extra effort for them to attain 90 days sobriety. It takes work on their part, and focus, to do that; it doesn't for a non-alkie.
It's ok and even good to support our loved ones. To give encouragement and acknowledgement of accomplishments or even good faith efforts.
I think that the key is balance. Support your loved one in a balanced way. By that I mean that the support and acknowledgment you give should be the same level you would reasonably expect to receive for a similar effort on your part for some accomplishment/effort. Often, in alkie relationships, the alkie gets all the attention, and the codie gets all the abandonment. So just keep it balanced, and EXPECT balance.
And keep it proportional. We live in a culture where if some is good, then a cartoonishly ridiculous amount is considered better. We fawn and stroke over kids' efforts until they feel so entitled they become arrogant and lazy, when a simple quiet statement would be much more powerful.
I like that you wanted to acknowledge his efforts, and the way you did it. I think it was proportional. I think his response/expectation was proportional, too. The only missing information is whether you would expect the same type and level of response from him, if you had an accomplisment, which you didn't address in your post. But after I thought about how I'd think about this, this was my conclusion. Balance, in a word.
Now, the hardcore Alanon-ers may nitpick my suggestion of expectations. But think of it this way: you don't expect x from another person. You expect from YOURSELF to choose FOR YOURSELF a partner whose values would include this level of balance toward you.
Thanks to OP for a great post; it required me to clarify for myself how I think about this.
CLMI
After the fog cleared here's what I came up with.
It's NOT normal for an alcoholic to be sober. So, it is an extra effort for them to attain 90 days sobriety. It takes work on their part, and focus, to do that; it doesn't for a non-alkie.
It's ok and even good to support our loved ones. To give encouragement and acknowledgement of accomplishments or even good faith efforts.
I think that the key is balance. Support your loved one in a balanced way. By that I mean that the support and acknowledgment you give should be the same level you would reasonably expect to receive for a similar effort on your part for some accomplishment/effort. Often, in alkie relationships, the alkie gets all the attention, and the codie gets all the abandonment. So just keep it balanced, and EXPECT balance.
And keep it proportional. We live in a culture where if some is good, then a cartoonishly ridiculous amount is considered better. We fawn and stroke over kids' efforts until they feel so entitled they become arrogant and lazy, when a simple quiet statement would be much more powerful.
I like that you wanted to acknowledge his efforts, and the way you did it. I think it was proportional. I think his response/expectation was proportional, too. The only missing information is whether you would expect the same type and level of response from him, if you had an accomplisment, which you didn't address in your post. But after I thought about how I'd think about this, this was my conclusion. Balance, in a word.
Now, the hardcore Alanon-ers may nitpick my suggestion of expectations. But think of it this way: you don't expect x from another person. You expect from YOURSELF to choose FOR YOURSELF a partner whose values would include this level of balance toward you.
Thanks to OP for a great post; it required me to clarify for myself how I think about this.
CLMI
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