Mambo Queen

I like to use these forums as ways to quiet the "Devil's Advocate" in my head that always crops up when I'm thinking of leaving the AH. I don't think Al-anon is the place for such concerns, so I hope people are comfortable with me asking questions like this subject title in an attempt to get more comfortable with dealing with my own uncomfortable situation. I don't feel I'm an alcoholic, but I'm definitely not a teetottalor, and I tend to turn to alcohol when under stress--for example, when I know my AH has relapsed, I tend to then drink myself, first, because I'm upset about the relapse, then second, as a way to numb myself against the abuse that inevitably happens. Yet, I never go out of my way to abuse the AH when drinking, nor do I ever shirk either my work duties or my duties to my dd, both of which the AH shirks in spades. I also don't get wasted out of my gourd like the AH does, or drink round the clock, or get crazy sick like he does-both mentally and physically. I also quit smoking three weeks ago, and believe me when I say I would saw the arm off a three-year-old if I thought I'd get a cigarette out of it (OK, so I stole that line from David Sedaris), but I haven't let myself go there because even though I'm totally living in stress-city due to AH's relapse, I DON'T want to die of cancer, so I WON'T let myself succomb to the temptation (the real, persistant, and painful temptation) of smoking my cares away. Yeah, I quit cold turkey. That, plus the comparison of my relatively harmless problem juxtaposed with my AH's, makes me think that my own alcohol problem is minor enough at this point to not fret about. But the AH doesn't think so. The AH is, at this point, hella pissed that I recently told him that I would "probably" quit drinking if he did, and that what I would really like to do is still be allowed to drink socially with my friends/family about once every month or so,and be totally sober in the household (this is a situation that worked for us in the past--after his first hospitalization, I never drank in the home, but did go out with friends outside of the home and drank about three times in a 5-month period). Of course, to him, that is just proof positive that I am an evil person who never cared about him. My point was that he asked me this after a night of him getting drunk and then mentally and a little bit physically abusing me, so I wasn't really in the sacrificing mood. Since then, I have told him that I would be willing to give up booze entirely if it would help his sobriety. And I'm still straight on the no-smokes thing, even though that has been really tough with all the stress my living situation has put me in.

Hell, I don't even know what the question was anymore. I guess its...do any of you still drink? Should you/did you feel guilty?

TryingSoHard

I'm the recovering A in my house, and my opinion is that non-As have NOTHING to feel guilty about when it comes to their own social, non-a drinking.

My husband voluntarily quit drinking when I confessed my problem to him, but I did not expect him to do so. Our home is alcohol-free, but if he wants to have a drink at a restaurant or when he's with friends - whether or not I'm present - of course he is absolutely entitled to do so. And he shouldn't have to worry that he's hurting me or "stepping on any toes" or anything else like that. The only thing that I think would make me uncomfortable is if he were to drink on a frequent and regular basis in our home in front of me, but even that would be within his rights. It's his house, too... I'd just have to go be in another room while he did it. And I'd have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had no access to the alcohol. But if he wants to drink when I'm not around, or when we're out with friends, I have no problem with that. I'm very thankful that he is so supportive.

Alcohol is MY problem, not the rest of the world's. Just because I can't drink anymore doesn't mean other people can't. I am not that important.

I hope you can find some peace soon.

Latte

I'm the A in this house and I believe the same as TryingSoHard.

My DH gets single serving bottles of liquor sometimes and I really don't mind at all. I have a real aversion to rip roaring drunk (I grew up with an alcoholic father who is still active.) I will not allow my father to drink in this house, but if my neighbor (who is not an A) comes over for a cup of coffee and adds liquor to hers (she brings her own) it doesn't bother me.

We all are allowed to have boundaries and the people who love me and respect me respect mine and I respect theirs, I don't allow people around me who don't treat me with respect.

Tally

I mostly stopped drinking long before my RABF did, I have come to dislike alcohol and getting drunk is no longer fun for me...I guess it's one of the things that come out of living with an active drunk.

The last time I was tipsy was on my 30th birthday, I'm 32 in June. The last time I had a drink was Christmas day, just one before lunch. I can take it or leave it and I leave it less not just for him but for both of us. I wouldn't feel comfortable drinking at home infront of him (why would I want to drink alone at home anyway?) the same way I don't like him smoking infront of me.
I stopped smoking 18 weeks ago with patches and have been off the patches for about 12 weeks now and am feeling great, he now smokes outside so our home is now smoke free.

So the answer to your question would be yes, I would drink if I wanted to but as the urge hasn't really taken me, I choose not to.

Barbara52

I drink now and then. A glas of wine here and there. But if I were living with a RA, I would not drink in my home, at least not when they were early in their recovery. Just as I would not smoke around you out of respect for the struggle you are going through.

Whatever the definition you want to use, this is not "normal" drinking and could be alcohol abuse if not alcoholism. You might want to examine this further and take your own inventory here.

Please do something to help yourself and your child to protect yourself from the abuse you are experiencing. No one deserves that in their life whatever excuse is given by the abuser.

Strangef8

Me and my wife are trying to figure this one out as well. I am the a and only on the second day of sobriety, but I don't want her to feel that she has to suffer for my issues. She is a daily glass of wine girl and right now, as I am so gung-ho about being sober it isn't an issue. I don't want to touch the stuff. I think that once the newness of sobriety wears off we may have to talk about getting rid of all the alcohol, but it's ok for now.

Taking5

Great question. My sister and her son live with me and know my drinking history. They had some friends over while I was out of town on business. I came home a few days early right in the middle of a small social gathering that involved 7 people and 2 cases of beer.

My sister tried to "hide" the beer, thinking I would relapse. I told her nothing to worry about, alcohol is everywhere and I don't need to see people drinking it to get tempted.

Besides which I was a bar drinker and I hate beer. My relapses have been at a bar with whiskey. So now I avoid bars and casinos at all costs.

But to bottom line it, while I respected my sister's attempts to "protect" me, it really wasn't any protection and it is not her place to maintain my sobriety.

Having said all that, if I came home to an open bottle of Maker's Mark I probably would've gone to the next AA meeting I could find.

brundle

When I was younger I use to be a real party animal! After 8 years of living with AH I've pretty much quit drinking. It happened over time. At this point just the smell of him makes me feel sick. When I smell alcohol it gives me that same feeling. So I rarely drink; even socially, I may order something but then I just kind of sip on it.

I did at one point drink kind of heavy just to "deal" with what was going on. Then I felt I didn't want my kids seeing me the way I see my husband so I started cutting back.

Alcohol addiction is what created all the things that are ugly and wrong in my life. It makes it really hard to order one.

Mark75

My wife has a nightly drink. She is Non-A, but very much likes that period of chilling out at the end of a long day. I am a little more that 4 months clean and sober. After coming home from rehab, I went through some serious resentment over this and we had some difficult conversations about it. I lost the resentment, ultimately... she is my friend too, and I wouldn't tell a friend not to have a drink just for my benefit...

Then, I went through some fear, I still have some. Fear that her drink could come between us at a time of day when we are finally alone together. Now, it is mostly resignation with the previously mentioned fear. Also, I do get a little jealous and mad at my disease... it sure looks good, too bad I can't drink that way! If I am having a tenuous day of recovery (still happens!!), I go to another room or to bed, which, unfortunately, fuels that previously mentioned fear.

We have a good 24 year marriage which will weather these turbulent times.

I put it this way...

It is fine with me if she has a drink, it would be more fine with me if she didn't...

Mark

nowinsituation

MY Ex AH and I drank together, we met in our early 20's and both lived the party lifestyle that is common at that age. We continued to drink probably more heavily than most people, but it definately slowed down after we had children. Looking back it now seems like that was one of the few ways we were able to connect in the later years of our marriage. It was pretty shocking for me to learn that he was drinking "behind my back" and being deceiptful about it.

After we separated I found I did not enjoy drinking nearly as much any more. I guess I truly am a social drinker -- and my social life was in the toilet so I was not drinking much. I do absolutely enjoy the taste of beer; and nothing can substitute for it with certain meals or at the end of a work-week on Friday afternoon. It would be tough for me to give it up completely.

My AH never seriously attempted sobriety. So, I don't have experience here ... but my feeling is that any A working on their recovery needs to communicate with their spouse what their needs are in regards to the spouse drinking. We don't understand what you are going through, and we can't read your minds. If it is important to you to not have alcohol in the house, and that your spouse not drink -- let them know that is how you feel. Understand that they may refuse your request! In a perfect world both parties could communicate their needs and reach a compromise. Please don't feel that "if they loved you they wouldn't drink"; because that shoe didn't fit very well when it was on the other foot.

GiveLove

I now drink very little -- and it's not something I do to self-medicate or to create a social life for myself. I have A beer at the game, A glass of wine at dinner or whatever. I just don't care for the Alcohol Culture or the Bar Culture any more. Makes me a little nauseous, really, how much we've come to depend on alcohol to feel good, and I just don't want to be part of it any more.

MeHandle

So I reply and then it says i can't so now this is just a test

freya

I'm not an alcoholic, so why on earth would I feel guilty if I drank????

Actually, even if I were an alcoholic, why would I feel guilty if I drank???? Guilt is a pointless, disempowering emotion that's both born of and exacerbates low self-esteem. Personally, I don't do guilt -- and I really, truly mean that. If I were an alcoholic, I would hope that I would approach a drinking "slip" the same way that I approach any other mistake I make in my life: Well, I did it; it was stupid; now, what do I need to learn from it and what can I do to try to keep it from happening again?????

So, all that being said, I guess I should add that I drink very little and realtively rarely -- and when I drink I do not abuse alcohol. In other words, I do not use alcohol to enable me to stuff my feelings or to put up with things that I should not be putting up with or to keep me from paying attention to things that I need to be paying attention to and working on in order to take good care of and best actualize myself....I guess, in my mind, it would be worse, from an ethical stand-point, for me to use alcohol in that way than it is for and active alcoholic because an active alcoholic is acting under the influence of a physical complusion and a mental obsession, whereas I would just be making a choice out of fear and/or laziness.

freya

...and BTW, an alcoholic, or anyone else, who tried to guilt me out because I had a drink would find him/herself out of my life real quick because that kind of guilting-out is just power-play BS and my motto is: Just say "NO" to head games!

Bernadette

I drink occasionally - usually only when I'm out with friends I'll have a beer or a glass of wine. I find I stop after 1 or 2, and I probably only drink twice a month if that.

I do not drink around my A brothers at all anymore. In fact being in a room with them and alcohol in it usually means one of them is drinking and so - I'm outta there!!

My dad was recovered/sober for the last 20 years of his life. I might have a glass of wine around him if we were out to dinner but that'd be it. I asked him if he minded he said not at all. In relation to myself I don't think much about alcohol-- meaning it's not an important element of my life - I don't look for it if I'm having a bad day or anything- in fact it doesn't even cross my mind.

peace-
b

prodigal

There have been times when I've been under stress that I drank more wine than I should. I don't get intoxicated. I absolutely hate that feeling and too much booze tears up my stomach. If my stress is school-related, I don't drink at all because my mind needs to be clear to focus on my studies.

I drink if, and when, I feel like it. Then I go for months and don't drink at all. I don't feel any desire to drink at 9 a.m. In fact, I don't think it boils down to how much or when I drink; it's my approach to drinking. I enjoy good wine. I won't drink cheap wine just to get a "buzz."

I suppose that is why I'm never going to be able to wrap my mind around the A's approach to drinking and how they become addicted.

Freedom1990

Something that did not come to light for me till many years after I had left my EXAH and was into my own recovery from alcoholism and addiction was how convenient that marriage was for me to not focus on my own drinking/drugging.

When I first met him, my gawd, it was lust at first sight! His wild hair was flying back, jailhouse tattoos on both arms, fresh out of the penitentiary for the second time! He was the bad boy I had been looking for all my life!

As his alcoholism/addictions progressed, my focus was completely on how sick and out of control he was, and I never had to look at me.

That violent, brutal, and bloody marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me because it was the catalyst that finally brought me to my knees. When he went to rehab, there was nothing left between me and me, and that is when I truly hit a bottom in my own alcoholism and addictions.

That man is now dead, and I will be forever grateful that God put him in my life when he did.

FormerDoormat

I've never liked alcohol. I hate the way it tastes. Always have. When I was younger, I'd order one drink and sip on it all night so I'd "fit in" with my friends at social gatherings. I hated the way alcohol would make my head feel fuzzy, cloud my mind, make it difficult to move about, walk, or talk.

Why anyone would want to lose control of their ability to think clearly, walk a straight line, or talk is beyond me. The thought of using alcohol as a means to unwind, escape reality, or numb my feelings never occurs to me. It has no hold on me; it serves no purpose.

When someone says they need a drink to unwind, escape reality, numb themselves, forget painful feelings, etc., it makes me wonder if the line has been crossed between social drinking and problem drinking. I think you're asking Mambo, because you may be wondering the same thing yourself.

LaTeeDa

I'm going to be candid here, and will probably get some harsh reactions, but so be it.

I was a recreational pot smoker for years. Smoked on "special occasions" and drank once in a while.

Toward the end of my marriage, I was smoking pot on a daily basis just to get through the evening. My AH actually used to make sure I had a stash because he liked me better that way. I wasn't such a nag and a biotch when I was high. When it would get really bad with him, I would drink, too. Not as much as him, but more than I should. He used all this against me and it helped to keep me stuck. He would say things like "you're just as bad as I am, so you can't complain." I know my children got the worst of the deal.

Within one week of kicking him out of the house, I gave up both pot and alcohol completely. It was like I finally had a reason to live--really live--without the influence of any substance. I once read a poster on here who was prescribed antidepressants because of the stressful situation of living with an A. She said that was her bottom. She would not stay in a marriage that she had to be medicated to deal with. I think that's how it was with me. I was self-medicating in order to deal with the unlivable situation I was living in. For a while, I chose to numb myself in order to deal with it. Once I ended the awful living conditions, I no longer wanted to be numb.

Now, I have a glass of wine now and then. But, I never want to drink wine when I am stressed or upset. That is when I most avoid alcohol. I have it when I am happy and at peace. When it adds to my life. I don't use it to block out the bad things anymore.

I was very likely on a scary path, given my family history. But I chose to change my circumstances, rather than use something to ignore it. Life is so much better when you are alert and involved.

L

blessed4x

I can't imagine who could possibly find anything harsh to say about your honest sharing......and thank you.

Initially I didn't want to even respond to this thread, but I kept coming back to it. I used to drink ALOT, but once I started having kids (17 years ago) I could take it or leave it. Now I just feel like alcohol has stolen so much of who I am that I don't want any part of it. Hopefully some day my feelings will moderate. I recognize that black and white thinking in the gut level reaction I get to alcohol, and I don't think that is so healthy either.

GiveLove

LTD, that's a great post.

My path was similar.

Glad to be out from under the thumb of those habits......and glad for my recovery tools, which enabled me to change my life circumstances rather than continuing to mask my anger and sadness with chemicals.

Dodged a bullet, I believe....