Can you help me figure out how to relate to my mom?
On the road of happy destiny
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: OHIO
Posts: 210
Can you help me figure out how to relate to my mom?
I hope it's ok to be posting for advice on this side. I would love to hear your perspectives on this.
I'm an alcoholic, sober since December 13th. I was a goody-two-shoes kid, never drank in high school. I started drinking in college and, well... you can see how it turned out. I told my mom earlier this week that I was going to AA meetings and since then, she's driving me bonkers. She's so proud of me, so relieved, she was so worried and now she's so glad. And on and on and on....
I'm a mom, too, so I can understand worrying about your child. I'm glad she cares. But GAH, I don't feel strong enough to take on her emotional well-being right now. I love my mom, she's is an awesome woman, but I believe she could benefit from some honest reflection and some time in Al-Anon. Alcoholism is all over the family tree and she's still reeling from how it's affected her in the past. I feel like she can't see my as my own "case" and she is just copy/pasting her experiences with her dad/brothers/uncles/etc onto my recovery. I want to say, "Mom -- I started drinking to prove that I wasn't like the rest of the drunks in the family. I wanted to show them that I could hold my liquor. But now that I'm here, I'm still out to prove that I'm not like the rest of the family. I want to stay sober so I'm actually going to work on my recovery, day by day, and not let this disease kill me. But in order to do that, I need you to SHUT UP!" Now obviously, I can't say that to her. My mom still won't call me before noon because once, when I was off at college, she called me in the late morning and I b*tched her out for waking me up. It's been at least 10 years... and I have a two year old! I'm up by noon now. But she still worries about offending me....
Anyway, I'm feeling very selfish about my own recovery. I feel like RIGHT NOW, I am not benefiting from the comments about how proud she is of me. I am glad she's relieved but I don't want to hear it.
Sooo... if the alcoholic or addict in your life had said something like this to you (especially if s/he is your child), how would you have handled it? I don't want her to think I'm drinking again (I'm not!) and I don't want her to think I'm mad at her (I'm not!). But I also realize that I can't afford to spend this much time worrying about what someone else thinks of me. Can I say something to her, or should I just try to let it roll off my back?
I'm an alcoholic, sober since December 13th. I was a goody-two-shoes kid, never drank in high school. I started drinking in college and, well... you can see how it turned out. I told my mom earlier this week that I was going to AA meetings and since then, she's driving me bonkers. She's so proud of me, so relieved, she was so worried and now she's so glad. And on and on and on....
I'm a mom, too, so I can understand worrying about your child. I'm glad she cares. But GAH, I don't feel strong enough to take on her emotional well-being right now. I love my mom, she's is an awesome woman, but I believe she could benefit from some honest reflection and some time in Al-Anon. Alcoholism is all over the family tree and she's still reeling from how it's affected her in the past. I feel like she can't see my as my own "case" and she is just copy/pasting her experiences with her dad/brothers/uncles/etc onto my recovery. I want to say, "Mom -- I started drinking to prove that I wasn't like the rest of the drunks in the family. I wanted to show them that I could hold my liquor. But now that I'm here, I'm still out to prove that I'm not like the rest of the family. I want to stay sober so I'm actually going to work on my recovery, day by day, and not let this disease kill me. But in order to do that, I need you to SHUT UP!" Now obviously, I can't say that to her. My mom still won't call me before noon because once, when I was off at college, she called me in the late morning and I b*tched her out for waking me up. It's been at least 10 years... and I have a two year old! I'm up by noon now. But she still worries about offending me....
Anyway, I'm feeling very selfish about my own recovery. I feel like RIGHT NOW, I am not benefiting from the comments about how proud she is of me. I am glad she's relieved but I don't want to hear it.
Sooo... if the alcoholic or addict in your life had said something like this to you (especially if s/he is your child), how would you have handled it? I don't want her to think I'm drinking again (I'm not!) and I don't want her to think I'm mad at her (I'm not!). But I also realize that I can't afford to spend this much time worrying about what someone else thinks of me. Can I say something to her, or should I just try to let it roll off my back?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
But I also realize that I can't afford to spend this much time worrying about what someone else thinks of me.
It's your choice what you want to worry about.
The first times my brothers had stretches of sobriety it really was such a huge relief - and maybe they thought I was acting differently but I was acting the same way I always did they just NOTICED how other people were acting then because their head wasn't inside a bottle.
It is hard to control the RELIEF I felt when they would stop drinking. Maybe it annoyed them that I was so relieved. Funny, it never bothered them how much hell they put me through when they were drinking - but God forbid I did something human that got on THEIR almighty nerves...
So when they relapsed and all that "relief" went away I finally had to learn how to get and keep myself on an even keel- so that I wouldn't be so affected whether they drank or not. They've been in and out of sobriety, I don't keep track like I used to anymore - really, it's none of my business! My relationship with them is based on their behavior around me and the strong boundaries I keep in place to protect myself from the pain of watching them destroy themselves. But that took a lot of work! So my guess is Mom isn't gonna change on a dime!!!
I learned in AlAnon that I cannot make another person DO anything. At all. Period. But I can choose how to react, how to handle things etc.
I can make a suggestion and then let go. Just let go of any expectation that the person will act on my suggestion. But sometimes a first mention of something plants a little seed.
Try handing your mom the local schedule for AlAnon meetings and say "I think you'd really like this. It will help you stop worrying about ME so much and get yourself healthy." And then, well you got to let it go and do your best to protect your recovery.
She's probably as addicted to her worrying as you were to booze so you can have compassion for that right? But you certainly get to choose how you want to handle her annoying behavior- it's your choice.
I feel like RIGHT NOW, I am not benefiting from the comments about how proud she is of me. I am glad she's relieved but I don't want to hear it.
Yeah, this would feel like a lot of pressure to me.
Take care. We all need to have boundaries to keep our mental health in A-1 condition!
peace-
B.
It's your choice what you want to worry about.
The first times my brothers had stretches of sobriety it really was such a huge relief - and maybe they thought I was acting differently but I was acting the same way I always did they just NOTICED how other people were acting then because their head wasn't inside a bottle.
It is hard to control the RELIEF I felt when they would stop drinking. Maybe it annoyed them that I was so relieved. Funny, it never bothered them how much hell they put me through when they were drinking - but God forbid I did something human that got on THEIR almighty nerves...
So when they relapsed and all that "relief" went away I finally had to learn how to get and keep myself on an even keel- so that I wouldn't be so affected whether they drank or not. They've been in and out of sobriety, I don't keep track like I used to anymore - really, it's none of my business! My relationship with them is based on their behavior around me and the strong boundaries I keep in place to protect myself from the pain of watching them destroy themselves. But that took a lot of work! So my guess is Mom isn't gonna change on a dime!!!
I learned in AlAnon that I cannot make another person DO anything. At all. Period. But I can choose how to react, how to handle things etc.
I can make a suggestion and then let go. Just let go of any expectation that the person will act on my suggestion. But sometimes a first mention of something plants a little seed.
Try handing your mom the local schedule for AlAnon meetings and say "I think you'd really like this. It will help you stop worrying about ME so much and get yourself healthy." And then, well you got to let it go and do your best to protect your recovery.
She's probably as addicted to her worrying as you were to booze so you can have compassion for that right? But you certainly get to choose how you want to handle her annoying behavior- it's your choice.
I feel like RIGHT NOW, I am not benefiting from the comments about how proud she is of me. I am glad she's relieved but I don't want to hear it.
Yeah, this would feel like a lot of pressure to me.
Take care. We all need to have boundaries to keep our mental health in A-1 condition!
peace-
B.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
This would be a good time to work on honest and real communication.
Tell her exactly what you just expressed in your post.
The more we practice this type of communication, the better we get at it.
Telling my story and listening to other's stories in the rooms of al-anon, along with working on my character defects has greatly improved my communication skills.
I can speak from my heart and express my emotions. I can now express my needs
in a way that is satisfactory to me and to my family.
You can probably get better at this too. This type of communication will benefit your relationship with your own child and model a healthy way to communicate.
Tell her exactly what you just expressed in your post.
The more we practice this type of communication, the better we get at it.
Telling my story and listening to other's stories in the rooms of al-anon, along with working on my character defects has greatly improved my communication skills.
I can speak from my heart and express my emotions. I can now express my needs
in a way that is satisfactory to me and to my family.
You can probably get better at this too. This type of communication will benefit your relationship with your own child and model a healthy way to communicate.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by StrongBird 
I want to say, "Mom -- I started drinking to prove that I wasn't like the rest of the drunks in the family. I wanted to show them that I could hold my liquor. But now that I'm here, I'm still out to prove that I'm not like the rest of the family. I want to stay sober so I'm actually going to work on my recovery, day by day, and not let this disease kill me. But in order to do that, I need you to SHUT UP!" Now obviously, I can't say that to her.
I would also suggest she try AlAnon but leave it at that. It's up to her to deal with her own issues/concerns.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Congrats on your 30+ days!!!
Sounds like mom is relieved and proud...Maybe it is just okay to soak up that feeling that "ya done good" to take a huge step and take care of you. Mom can not control your recovery - that's all about you, but isn't it kinda a warm fuzzy to know she loves you so much that she is happy you are clean?
Beyond that -she has to work on her. Sometimes, as hard as it is ...all we can do is say I love you and I know that you will find your own way. Hugs
Sounds like mom is relieved and proud...Maybe it is just okay to soak up that feeling that "ya done good" to take a huge step and take care of you. Mom can not control your recovery - that's all about you, but isn't it kinda a warm fuzzy to know she loves you so much that she is happy you are clean?
Beyond that -she has to work on her. Sometimes, as hard as it is ...all we can do is say I love you and I know that you will find your own way. Hugs
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