Overcoming being the scapegoat
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Overcoming being the scapegoat
This has been something that I've personally have battled or years.
Since I went through an abusive, young marraige, I made some wrong choices and drank to numb them out along with the pain. It was a vicious cycle of wanting to be a good mom, but not knowing how and my self-esteem was beat down...so I existed.
For 15 GREAT years now, I don't drink and don't numb out and I thank God for that.
But, my two adult kids and ex have blamed me for years for that. Whenever they get depressed, drink, my son's two DUI's and now he's in jail.......it's always "if only you would of been there for me, Mom" or the ex "you need to work on your relationship with the kids". I've heard that for years,
And, guess what? My two children are grown....son's 30yrs old and daughter's 27 and ex is 52. I worked though the layers of my own pain, I took responsibility for my wrong choices and I've been here ever since waiting for my kids to gain trust in me and forgive.
I wasn't the only one in the family that numbed out. The ex did pot for years and he still drinks. But, because he's put his own blame on me for leaving him in 1984 and has never let go of that...he conveys that message to the kids.
How can my son move forward when the people in his life have not let go of the past and forgiven themselves?
I DO NOT deserve to be the scapegoat for their problems any more and I won't. It is THEIR choice to move forward and stop blaming me....or anything else for that matter.
I found this Co-depency article on how to overcome being the scapegoat.
http://www.mcgeepublishing.com/catal...cyChapter1.pdf
And in it, it also describes the different roles that each one in the family plays in a toxic family.
I am not in control over their pain and I can't fix it, but I can AND will, no longer give them the permission to make me the reason why their lives are messed up. They make their own choices.
I will always be here as a supportive mom, I'm not going anywhere. But, the past and blame has to be let go. I have my own life, too.
Since I went through an abusive, young marraige, I made some wrong choices and drank to numb them out along with the pain. It was a vicious cycle of wanting to be a good mom, but not knowing how and my self-esteem was beat down...so I existed.
For 15 GREAT years now, I don't drink and don't numb out and I thank God for that.
But, my two adult kids and ex have blamed me for years for that. Whenever they get depressed, drink, my son's two DUI's and now he's in jail.......it's always "if only you would of been there for me, Mom" or the ex "you need to work on your relationship with the kids". I've heard that for years,
And, guess what? My two children are grown....son's 30yrs old and daughter's 27 and ex is 52. I worked though the layers of my own pain, I took responsibility for my wrong choices and I've been here ever since waiting for my kids to gain trust in me and forgive.
I wasn't the only one in the family that numbed out. The ex did pot for years and he still drinks. But, because he's put his own blame on me for leaving him in 1984 and has never let go of that...he conveys that message to the kids.
How can my son move forward when the people in his life have not let go of the past and forgiven themselves?
I DO NOT deserve to be the scapegoat for their problems any more and I won't. It is THEIR choice to move forward and stop blaming me....or anything else for that matter.
I found this Co-depency article on how to overcome being the scapegoat.
http://www.mcgeepublishing.com/catal...cyChapter1.pdf
And in it, it also describes the different roles that each one in the family plays in a toxic family.
In the dysfunctional family system, the primary goal of the family
members is survival. Very little development takes place in the
children. They assume rigid roles and don’t develop a strong
sense of self-worth. As a result, they are doomed to keep playing
these roles in their marriages and other relationships.
In this type of family system, most normal self-development is
lost. All of the unconscious focus is on the primary dysfunctional
person.
The enabler tries to make everything okay.
The hero thinks that by being perfect, the problems will go
away.
The scapegoat rebels against the family problems and
ultimately believes that he is the problem.
The lost child pulls into a shell, withdraws and isolates
himself from meaningful relationships.
The mascot tries desperately to make everyone laugh in
the midst of the tragedy of the family situation.
Children in these systems rarely build healthy self-concepts. They
are at great risk for multiple marriages, addiction, codependency
and stress-related physical problems.
members is survival. Very little development takes place in the
children. They assume rigid roles and don’t develop a strong
sense of self-worth. As a result, they are doomed to keep playing
these roles in their marriages and other relationships.
In this type of family system, most normal self-development is
lost. All of the unconscious focus is on the primary dysfunctional
person.
The enabler tries to make everything okay.
The hero thinks that by being perfect, the problems will go
away.
The scapegoat rebels against the family problems and
ultimately believes that he is the problem.
The lost child pulls into a shell, withdraws and isolates
himself from meaningful relationships.
The mascot tries desperately to make everyone laugh in
the midst of the tragedy of the family situation.
Children in these systems rarely build healthy self-concepts. They
are at great risk for multiple marriages, addiction, codependency
and stress-related physical problems.
As codependents, we…
feel responsible for others’ behavior, but often don’t take
responsibility for our own.
need to be needed.
expect others to make us happy.
can be demanding or indecisive.
can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel.
feel responsible for others’ behavior, but often don’t take
responsibility for our own.
need to be needed.
expect others to make us happy.
can be demanding or indecisive.
can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel.
I will always be here as a supportive mom, I'm not going anywhere. But, the past and blame has to be let go. I have my own life, too.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Thank you.
Great reminder for me and I am sure many others.
I have been sober for many years now, and I have also been in Alanon for many years, and that was one of the hardest things I had to learn for me. I made my amends a long time ago and I do not have to take responsiblity for 'their choices'.
Love and hugs,
Great reminder for me and I am sure many others.
I have been sober for many years now, and I have also been in Alanon for many years, and that was one of the hardest things I had to learn for me. I made my amends a long time ago and I do not have to take responsiblity for 'their choices'.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Thanks, Laurie.....it's been too long for me to be the one to blame. I was the one that got sober and have stayed that way. Yet, I still get the past thrown in my face and I'm not taking it anymore.
I love my kids with all of my heart....but, enough is enough. I've paid for my mistakes way too long and I'm not allowing it anymore.
I love my kids with all of my heart....but, enough is enough. I've paid for my mistakes way too long and I'm not allowing it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Girlfriend, thanks so much for posting this! I know there is a way for you to love them without taking their toxic blame for what is not yours to carry, and I know you'll find it.
:ghug3
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
There is of course no reason why you should accept being the scapegoat. I will only point out from the POV of an ACOA and the former spouse of an A that denial runs deep in the families of As also and that it is difficult to break out of that denial. Their issues are their issues not yours but your behaviors did indeed play a strong part in who they are today. That doesn't mean they are free to absolve themselves of responsibility for their own lives but I can see where they are coming from and I do know how difficult it is to begin looking inside one's self for healing.
Last edited by Barbara52; 01-10-2009 at 07:42 AM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
Ya know....I blamed my parents and ex husband for years for my drinking and anger...gosh, there was so much anger. I felt like my whole childhood was ripped from me .
I got married at a really young age to escape from a very over-protected home and right into an abusive marraige that freaked me out the first time I got hit physically...AND, still had to go to high school with two black eyes and lie about it. No longer was I a "child", I was all of a sudden a grown adult.
So, I know the blame and anger thing really well. I'd drink and then call up my Dad and ask him "are ya proud of me NOW, DAD?" because I never felt like I lived up to his standards.
My son has done the same thing to me and so I do understand that part and yes, I did hurt my son by not emotionally being there for him.
But, my Dad got colon cancer in 1996 and by then, I had quit drinking and somehow knew that my Dad was sick even before he was diagnosed. I asked my sister to join me in finally forgiving him for being so hard on us when we were young.
She couldn't......I could. And, I gotta say, THANK YOU, GOD for that because I got to know my Dad's REAL heart. He let his walls down and told me that he loved me and was always proud of me and that he was hard on us kids because he wanted us to become fighters...to stand strong. And, my siblings and I are just that
I got to spend 18 months with my dad just being him and there were no walls between us, only an amazing amount of love being shared. Parents aren't given handbooks on how to raise their children.....none are perfect. But, I feel the key is to learn and not make those mistakes again.
It hurts me alot, when I try to get close to my kids, there is always some wall that goes up, either from them or the ex and then I get mad, say things out of hurt and the cycle continues.
I know that they don't want to go to therapy for fear of what they might see. But, therapy for me, was thee greatest choice for myself to make. Yeah, I heard some hard things in there that I did need to look at and work on, but was more happy to do that then continue drinking and runnin'.
There will be a day when my kids can totally forgive me and that's something that they need to do, I can't do that for them. In the meantime, consistency and loving is what I feel I need to be for them, but NOT to enable the drinking OR the blame they continue to have for me.
I'm not that same person.....I've worked hard and sacrificed alot and so I can no longer beat myself up for the past, cuz that's what it is......the past. I'm a far better person now than I was.
Hugs!!
I got married at a really young age to escape from a very over-protected home and right into an abusive marraige that freaked me out the first time I got hit physically...AND, still had to go to high school with two black eyes and lie about it. No longer was I a "child", I was all of a sudden a grown adult.
So, I know the blame and anger thing really well. I'd drink and then call up my Dad and ask him "are ya proud of me NOW, DAD?" because I never felt like I lived up to his standards.
My son has done the same thing to me and so I do understand that part and yes, I did hurt my son by not emotionally being there for him.
But, my Dad got colon cancer in 1996 and by then, I had quit drinking and somehow knew that my Dad was sick even before he was diagnosed. I asked my sister to join me in finally forgiving him for being so hard on us when we were young.
She couldn't......I could. And, I gotta say, THANK YOU, GOD for that because I got to know my Dad's REAL heart. He let his walls down and told me that he loved me and was always proud of me and that he was hard on us kids because he wanted us to become fighters...to stand strong. And, my siblings and I are just that
I got to spend 18 months with my dad just being him and there were no walls between us, only an amazing amount of love being shared. Parents aren't given handbooks on how to raise their children.....none are perfect. But, I feel the key is to learn and not make those mistakes again.
It hurts me alot, when I try to get close to my kids, there is always some wall that goes up, either from them or the ex and then I get mad, say things out of hurt and the cycle continues.
I know that they don't want to go to therapy for fear of what they might see. But, therapy for me, was thee greatest choice for myself to make. Yeah, I heard some hard things in there that I did need to look at and work on, but was more happy to do that then continue drinking and runnin'.
There will be a day when my kids can totally forgive me and that's something that they need to do, I can't do that for them. In the meantime, consistency and loving is what I feel I need to be for them, but NOT to enable the drinking OR the blame they continue to have for me.
I'm not that same person.....I've worked hard and sacrificed alot and so I can no longer beat myself up for the past, cuz that's what it is......the past. I'm a far better person now than I was.
Hugs!!
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
I'm glad you know you don't have to accept that responsibility of blame from them.
Life is full of choices. I talk to my nieces (2 and 5 years) all the time about good choices.
As little as they are, they understand. Everyone needs to accept their own choices. You accepted yours, they need to accept theirs without blame. To blame is to make and excuse. I hate pointing fingers.
I think of my grandpa when I see people pointing fingers and blame.
When he was 2 years old his mom died. His dad didn't want him and his siblings so he gave them to an uncle. He didn't want them either but he kept them to work on his from. so they all served as his whipping post for all kinds of abuse. When he was old enough to leave at 16 i believe he made out on his own. Without detail to keep it short, grandpa had a hard road in life. Nothing was easy for him. But... he managed to find a nice life, he didn't drink, he didn't hurt others or BLAME anyone. He made things better for himself and got on with it.
Can't we all blame our parents for something wrong with us? I can blame all kinds of things on my ex if I want to. Or, I can accept it, take a lesson from it and move on.
Maybe your kids and ex could benefit from a little 12 step help. It seems like it applies to almost every trouble in life. I think that will be new post on another day.
Sorry I rambled, sleepy....
Life is full of choices. I talk to my nieces (2 and 5 years) all the time about good choices.
As little as they are, they understand. Everyone needs to accept their own choices. You accepted yours, they need to accept theirs without blame. To blame is to make and excuse. I hate pointing fingers.
I think of my grandpa when I see people pointing fingers and blame.
When he was 2 years old his mom died. His dad didn't want him and his siblings so he gave them to an uncle. He didn't want them either but he kept them to work on his from. so they all served as his whipping post for all kinds of abuse. When he was old enough to leave at 16 i believe he made out on his own. Without detail to keep it short, grandpa had a hard road in life. Nothing was easy for him. But... he managed to find a nice life, he didn't drink, he didn't hurt others or BLAME anyone. He made things better for himself and got on with it.
Can't we all blame our parents for something wrong with us? I can blame all kinds of things on my ex if I want to. Or, I can accept it, take a lesson from it and move on.
Maybe your kids and ex could benefit from a little 12 step help. It seems like it applies to almost every trouble in life. I think that will be new post on another day.
Sorry I rambled, sleepy....
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