This time I was doing the quacking
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
This time I was doing the quacking
After 2 months of not getting drunk, AH got drunk last week and that had been a boundary. I was determined to leave AH, I was calm, I felt emotionally healthy, I announced it to the board. I should have just kept going with the arrangements. But unfortunately I announced it also to my AH who then said he would start going to AA and give up the alcohol totally.
And now like many other posters I have stopped the arrangements and wait yet again to see how it will all play out. I don't feel angry at my husband for not staying sober whilst still trying to drink at a moderate level because I fully expected it. I am just disappointed at myself at my latest effort. I have to admit to myself I must have said it to him to manipulate him. To push him towards a recovery program. I haven't even achieved the first step of giving up the illusion of control.
I know I can keep going with separation regardless of what he is doing but there are a couple of things that stood out for me as signs to stay for now.
I would say that I have been in recovery for 3 years but I have only been going to Al-Anon for 2 months and the advice has been "no major changes for 6 months". Try and get a grasp of the first three steps during this period.
He has improved his behaviour enormously. And it hasn't been the over the top, fake 'win her back' honeymoon period of the cycle but something genuine. His anger has mellowed and it isn't that he is biting his tongue. I've been better too these past months and have not had knee jerk reactions and I think it is filtering through to him that there are other ways to be.
In short, I'll have to keep going with my recovery.
And now like many other posters I have stopped the arrangements and wait yet again to see how it will all play out. I don't feel angry at my husband for not staying sober whilst still trying to drink at a moderate level because I fully expected it. I am just disappointed at myself at my latest effort. I have to admit to myself I must have said it to him to manipulate him. To push him towards a recovery program. I haven't even achieved the first step of giving up the illusion of control.
I know I can keep going with separation regardless of what he is doing but there are a couple of things that stood out for me as signs to stay for now.
I would say that I have been in recovery for 3 years but I have only been going to Al-Anon for 2 months and the advice has been "no major changes for 6 months". Try and get a grasp of the first three steps during this period.
He has improved his behaviour enormously. And it hasn't been the over the top, fake 'win her back' honeymoon period of the cycle but something genuine. His anger has mellowed and it isn't that he is biting his tongue. I've been better too these past months and have not had knee jerk reactions and I think it is filtering through to him that there are other ways to be.
In short, I'll have to keep going with my recovery.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
In short, I'll have to keep going with my recovery.
Being aware of what you are doing and saying is huge and a step in the right
direction-towards your recovery.
When I stopped trying to control what others were doing and placed focus on
what I was doing-my life began to get better as I took those steps towards
recovery for ME. I left others to their own choices in their lives....
Recovery takes time...give yourself a pat on the back as you are going to Al-Anon
and listening and sharing and in short, RECOVERING!
Be gentle with yourself!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It's fine to change your mind. Heck everyone does it for all sorts of reasons and situations. The only thing would say is everytime we make a statement about "you violated X boundary and I am going to do Y" and then do not follow through, we are teaching the person who violated our boundary that we don't really mean what we say.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
I've been told more than once "Progress, not Perfection." Few of us do all this recovery stuff right the first time. It's a process, and each day / each encounter we learn more about ourselves, the world around us and the disease of alcoholism.
What helped me the most was understanding the 3 A's: awareness, acceptance, action. The big challenge for me was acceptance. I wanted to see something, figure it out and then immediately take action. That didn't work for me and I typically made a big mistake, sometimes I crashed and burned. The acceptance part is KEY. I had to recognize something (in myself, in him, in our relationship) and then I had to just sit with it for awhile. Acceptance does NOT mean that I have to like something, oh no ! It just means I have to accept it for what it is. It IS what it IS. And when I have finally accepted that, then and only then can I move towards action, with that new found knowledge. The 3 A's are what helped me learn about boundaries and how to put them into place in my life.
No one is going to beat you up about your choices, ICant. Trust me, we understand. We're here to hold your hand thru the scary parts and to share the journey.
Hugs
Cats
What helped me the most was understanding the 3 A's: awareness, acceptance, action. The big challenge for me was acceptance. I wanted to see something, figure it out and then immediately take action. That didn't work for me and I typically made a big mistake, sometimes I crashed and burned. The acceptance part is KEY. I had to recognize something (in myself, in him, in our relationship) and then I had to just sit with it for awhile. Acceptance does NOT mean that I have to like something, oh no ! It just means I have to accept it for what it is. It IS what it IS. And when I have finally accepted that, then and only then can I move towards action, with that new found knowledge. The 3 A's are what helped me learn about boundaries and how to put them into place in my life.
No one is going to beat you up about your choices, ICant. Trust me, we understand. We're here to hold your hand thru the scary parts and to share the journey.
Hugs
Cats
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
B52 was posting at the same time I was. She said good stuff... I agree with her statement if we
do not follow through, we are teaching the person who violated our boundary that we don't really mean what we say.
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