I feel my drinking has changed my partner
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
I feel my drinking has changed my partner
She used to be so happy and a go getter, who was always smiling and willing to go the extra mile for a good time. Now she seems so unhappy and miserable with her life, and that I always seem to bring her down. No matter what, I cannot make her happy. If I do one thing, well you didn't do this, and that would have made me happy.
I have told her many times that I alone, cannot make you happy. She then gets pissed and says, well if you would do this and this I would be happy. But I have came to the conclusion that she is not willing to let herself have fun. She hands that control over to me.
For example, she mentions she wants to go to the casino and the mall of america. Two weeks later, she says we never do anything. I say what would you like to do, she says I told you about the casino and mall. I ask, well why did you plan that out and ask me if I wanted to do it. Instead of waiting for me....if its what you really wanted to do. I then said that you have to be willing to do some things to make yourself happy. Not do everything, but happiness does not come to you, you go find it. I said, I sure let you know if I want to go do this or that I would like this. Why shouldn't you, if it will make you feel better or happy.
She also says, without you, I can be happier. So I said, why don't you do the things you would do alone to be happy, but with me. That's what I sure try to do. I cannot wait for you to ask me to go downhill skiing, and be upset when you don't, if I really want to do it.
Certain times, I feel like we cannot make it together. But it also seems she also cares a lot for our relationship. We have been together for about 4 years, 3 of which I was an active alcoholic.
My question is this; What can I do for her to show her that she needs to be in control of whether she is happy or not. And be willing to go get it. Not me. I do really love and care for this woman, but since I have been sober, she seems to be stuck in the past and has become to expect unrealistic things from me on a daily basis for her to be happy.
What do you all think? I needed to share this with someone....can this be saved, or is it better to just let go.
I have told her many times that I alone, cannot make you happy. She then gets pissed and says, well if you would do this and this I would be happy. But I have came to the conclusion that she is not willing to let herself have fun. She hands that control over to me.
For example, she mentions she wants to go to the casino and the mall of america. Two weeks later, she says we never do anything. I say what would you like to do, she says I told you about the casino and mall. I ask, well why did you plan that out and ask me if I wanted to do it. Instead of waiting for me....if its what you really wanted to do. I then said that you have to be willing to do some things to make yourself happy. Not do everything, but happiness does not come to you, you go find it. I said, I sure let you know if I want to go do this or that I would like this. Why shouldn't you, if it will make you feel better or happy.
She also says, without you, I can be happier. So I said, why don't you do the things you would do alone to be happy, but with me. That's what I sure try to do. I cannot wait for you to ask me to go downhill skiing, and be upset when you don't, if I really want to do it.
Certain times, I feel like we cannot make it together. But it also seems she also cares a lot for our relationship. We have been together for about 4 years, 3 of which I was an active alcoholic.
My question is this; What can I do for her to show her that she needs to be in control of whether she is happy or not. And be willing to go get it. Not me. I do really love and care for this woman, but since I have been sober, she seems to be stuck in the past and has become to expect unrealistic things from me on a daily basis for her to be happy.
What do you all think? I needed to share this with someone....can this be saved, or is it better to just let go.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Magic man, I'm sorry you're in pain, but just as we tell folks here that the alcoholics in their lives have a right to their choices (sad as we might find those choices) your partner also has freedom of choice over how she lives her life.
If she is unhappy and doesn't feel she needs or wants to seek help to save the relationship -- if she feels she'd be happier by leaving it -- it's not for us to second-guess her. We don't know her. And there can be many bridges burned during relationships with alcoholics that can take away one partner's desire to stay. That is a risk alcoholics run when they follow their addiction, sadly.
I wish you happiness, and wish you luck with your sobriety. I see you're coming up on 90 days - congrats!
If she is unhappy and doesn't feel she needs or wants to seek help to save the relationship -- if she feels she'd be happier by leaving it -- it's not for us to second-guess her. We don't know her. And there can be many bridges burned during relationships with alcoholics that can take away one partner's desire to stay. That is a risk alcoholics run when they follow their addiction, sadly.
I wish you happiness, and wish you luck with your sobriety. I see you're coming up on 90 days - congrats!
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
This time, out of lots of tries, is entirely for me.
I just want her to be happy...but I think the desire to just BE with each other and do they things each other like because we are with that person are gone. I am not saying I say never no to her, but the tons of things I suggest get shut down that I would really enjoy. Versus they few she suggests but never does....as it is expected I will do this for her, every time.
Thanks for the input, I know it sounds like a rag on her, but I really do enjoy my time with Sara, and this sucks.
I just want her to be happy...but I think the desire to just BE with each other and do they things each other like because we are with that person are gone. I am not saying I say never no to her, but the tons of things I suggest get shut down that I would really enjoy. Versus they few she suggests but never does....as it is expected I will do this for her, every time.
Thanks for the input, I know it sounds like a rag on her, but I really do enjoy my time with Sara, and this sucks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Seriously...........I doubt she is considering leaving a four-year relationship just because you don't take her to mall of america enough.
Sometimes people are unable to articulate why they're unhappy until they've worked through it for themselves, and many people feel they need time & space to work through it and make themselves better.
I know it has to hurt like hell for you but...she's got to figure this out for herself, just as you found sobriety for yourself. She's an adult who has the right make her own decisions, and find healing & happiness on her own terms and her own timetable. Take care of yourself in this tough time.
Sometimes people are unable to articulate why they're unhappy until they've worked through it for themselves, and many people feel they need time & space to work through it and make themselves better.
I know it has to hurt like hell for you but...she's got to figure this out for herself, just as you found sobriety for yourself. She's an adult who has the right make her own decisions, and find healing & happiness on her own terms and her own timetable. Take care of yourself in this tough time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I'm sorry I don't have any real suggestions for you, but I have a feeling the A in my life feels the same way about me. From a person in the other shoe what I can say about me is.. I now find it really hard to express myself in terms of my needs. I've spent so much time trying to figure him out and how to keep him happy that I've completely lost myself. He doesn't like it, and I don't like it. Now I'm not saying this about your relationship, but in mine, I've spent a lot of time avoiding situations, walking on eggshells and just kind of going with the flow. It took me some years to get to this point and it's going to take me some time to get out of it. He misses me suggesting things that we used to do.. well we used to go to the bar! I don't want to do that anymore. He's still and A and we have two small children.. that's not what I want to do. We also have VERY different interests. We just didn't notice because we both loved drinking and when your drinking.. well anything is fun.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, it may take her some time to find herself again. To even remember what it is she feels like doing, or makes her happy. She may even be a little bit depressed. Yall are in MN right? I used to live in WI and I had really bad seasonal depression.. did she used to love the winter?
I could be wrong but I'll be willing to bet if she stuck by you through the A-ism she's going to give it a good hearted chance now that your sober too. Unfortunately sometimes the damage is too much, but only time will tell.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, it may take her some time to find herself again. To even remember what it is she feels like doing, or makes her happy. She may even be a little bit depressed. Yall are in MN right? I used to live in WI and I had really bad seasonal depression.. did she used to love the winter?
I could be wrong but I'll be willing to bet if she stuck by you through the A-ism she's going to give it a good hearted chance now that your sober too. Unfortunately sometimes the damage is too much, but only time will tell.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Frustrating, isn't it?
Whether it's family members, a spouse, or GF/BF, when we get sober, it messes up the dynamics our loved ones have become accustomed to.
It's like a baby mobile that hangs over the crib, and the alcoholic, and the loved ones are each one piece on that mobile that hangs in balance.
The alcoholic gets sober, imagine that 'piece' of the mobile gone, and viola, the mobile is tilting wildly and trying to balance back out. It's all askew now.
Keep your recovery first and foremost. Try not to get frustrated with her. Her world is out of balance now. :ghug :ghug
Whether it's family members, a spouse, or GF/BF, when we get sober, it messes up the dynamics our loved ones have become accustomed to.
It's like a baby mobile that hangs over the crib, and the alcoholic, and the loved ones are each one piece on that mobile that hangs in balance.
The alcoholic gets sober, imagine that 'piece' of the mobile gone, and viola, the mobile is tilting wildly and trying to balance back out. It's all askew now.
Keep your recovery first and foremost. Try not to get frustrated with her. Her world is out of balance now. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
This is my experience. I am the X-wife of an alcoholic and we were together 20 years, married 18. Just as alcoholism is a progressive disease so is codependency. I started out trusting, happy, joyous, fun to be around bla, bla, bla. Right before I reached my bottom I was depressed, withdrawn, tired all the time, didn't protect my kids, in tremendous denial, and pretty much acted liked a crazed nutcase. In between those 2 extremes our relationship cycled and was like a dance. Each time the cycle repeated I was less trusting of what he told me as I realized he was playing me like a fool, and I also was sicker. It happened so slowly I didn't realize it.
No one could help me but me. I am a lot better now after a year of hard work on my recovery and I have a long way to go. My X-AH has not chosen to seek recovery which saddens me.
No one could help me but me. I am a lot better now after a year of hard work on my recovery and I have a long way to go. My X-AH has not chosen to seek recovery which saddens me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I feel exactly the same as Chrysalis. At the beginning of our relationship I was outgoing, flirty, happy, trusting, maybe a little naive.
In the midst of co-dependancy I because seriously unhappy, also suspicious because I was lied to so much. I was scared of saying what I wanted or what I thought because it caused arguments, so it became easier to retreat back into ones self.
Living with an alcoholic changes you, it changed me for the worse and I began to hate myself and the way I had become too, always so gloomy and pesamistic, I too felt like I had forgotten how to have fun, I still have days like that too now.
You needed help and you got it, she needs to get help for herself. Has your gf tried any means of recovery, Al-Anon or even SR?
In the midst of co-dependancy I because seriously unhappy, also suspicious because I was lied to so much. I was scared of saying what I wanted or what I thought because it caused arguments, so it became easier to retreat back into ones self.
Living with an alcoholic changes you, it changed me for the worse and I began to hate myself and the way I had become too, always so gloomy and pesamistic, I too felt like I had forgotten how to have fun, I still have days like that too now.
You needed help and you got it, she needs to get help for herself. Has your gf tried any means of recovery, Al-Anon or even SR?
mle-sober
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Golden, CO
Posts: 1,243
Magic,
I also was wondering (along with TheMissus) whether Sara has any type of therapy or recovery help? Is she the type of person to value therapy or al-anon? I know my husband doesn't feel like al-anon has anything to offer him. (He says it's not "a good fit.") And he won't go to individual therapy but he will go to marriage therapy twice a month. Even that helps.
Like me, you probably have a lot of making up to do in your relationship. I am actively working on building trust with my husband, after being a raging and stupid alcoholic for 9 years with him. It takes time and serious committment on my part. At first, I was impatient and wanted it to just happen. I'm slowly "getting it" about how much time it takes.
It sounds like Sara is a little lost and is blaming you. That's unfortunate but understandable. I don't think people heal spontaneously. I think it takes time and work. But if you don't even recognize that you need to be the one taking those first ginger steps to heal and find yourself again, it's probably really hard. It sounds like she's looking around and saying to you and herself, "I'm unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it's his fault."
That won't change anything, unfortunately. But I don't think it would hurt the relationship to go out of your way for her and maybe do the things she suggests - plan outings and dates, etc. What would it hurt? Ultimately, one would hope that both people would make those kinds of plans. But for now, while she's so miserable, why not try to do that for her?
I made a list for my husband of three things I needed from him. A long time ago when we were having a hard time. He put it in his wallet and 9 years later does a pretty good job of meeting those needs. Why isn't it okay for your gf to ask you to listen to what she might like to do and initiate doing those things? I don't think that's an unreasonable request on her part.
I understand what you mean about wanting her to take more responsibility for her own happiness. But that's a BIG goal. It will take her time and you patience. In the meantime, you initiating dates that she's mentioned she'd like seems like a pretty benign way to show her you care.
I'm glad you're back at SR.
I also was wondering (along with TheMissus) whether Sara has any type of therapy or recovery help? Is she the type of person to value therapy or al-anon? I know my husband doesn't feel like al-anon has anything to offer him. (He says it's not "a good fit.") And he won't go to individual therapy but he will go to marriage therapy twice a month. Even that helps.
Like me, you probably have a lot of making up to do in your relationship. I am actively working on building trust with my husband, after being a raging and stupid alcoholic for 9 years with him. It takes time and serious committment on my part. At first, I was impatient and wanted it to just happen. I'm slowly "getting it" about how much time it takes.
It sounds like Sara is a little lost and is blaming you. That's unfortunate but understandable. I don't think people heal spontaneously. I think it takes time and work. But if you don't even recognize that you need to be the one taking those first ginger steps to heal and find yourself again, it's probably really hard. It sounds like she's looking around and saying to you and herself, "I'm unhappy. I don't know why. Maybe it's his fault."
That won't change anything, unfortunately. But I don't think it would hurt the relationship to go out of your way for her and maybe do the things she suggests - plan outings and dates, etc. What would it hurt? Ultimately, one would hope that both people would make those kinds of plans. But for now, while she's so miserable, why not try to do that for her?
I made a list for my husband of three things I needed from him. A long time ago when we were having a hard time. He put it in his wallet and 9 years later does a pretty good job of meeting those needs. Why isn't it okay for your gf to ask you to listen to what she might like to do and initiate doing those things? I don't think that's an unreasonable request on her part.
I understand what you mean about wanting her to take more responsibility for her own happiness. But that's a BIG goal. It will take her time and you patience. In the meantime, you initiating dates that she's mentioned she'd like seems like a pretty benign way to show her you care.
I'm glad you're back at SR.
Helping Others, Helps Me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
(I am amazed at the responses of this thread, but it is wonderful for you all to take the time and very insightful)
I will have to see if she is willing to go to alanon....but in the past she has not.
There is no doubt my alcoholism has changed her, from being let down, lied to, not hearing from me.....heck her family won't speak to me and she won't bring me around them
I no doubt need to take initiative on these things that she wants to do, but sometimes it can be difficult. As I have no drivers license right now. But they need to be done.
I sometimes just want to throw the towel in and move on, but it is difficult when I have lost all of my friends and only have her. It is lonely with her now, but without her....
I will have to see if she is willing to go to alanon....but in the past she has not.
There is no doubt my alcoholism has changed her, from being let down, lied to, not hearing from me.....heck her family won't speak to me and she won't bring me around them
I no doubt need to take initiative on these things that she wants to do, but sometimes it can be difficult. As I have no drivers license right now. But they need to be done.
I sometimes just want to throw the towel in and move on, but it is difficult when I have lost all of my friends and only have her. It is lonely with her now, but without her....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I wouldn't say you need to take the initiative for things she needs to do, surely that's her responsibility. Of course suggest and initiate things to do as a couple as anyone would in a regular couple but leaving it all down to you to make her happy is what, penance?
Her saying that without you she could be happier says to me that she's probably blaming you for how she feels and is feeling quite bitter.
Just as she couldn't stop you drinking, you can't stop her being co-dependant, maybe you could get a copy of Co-dependant No More and leave it lying around for her, or both of you read it, it's an eye opener....Even tell her about this place, maybe it might help her to chat with us lot, she could be bottling stuff up that she needs to work through but not wanting to do it with you for fear of causing a row or a trigger?
Her saying that without you she could be happier says to me that she's probably blaming you for how she feels and is feeling quite bitter.
Just as she couldn't stop you drinking, you can't stop her being co-dependant, maybe you could get a copy of Co-dependant No More and leave it lying around for her, or both of you read it, it's an eye opener....Even tell her about this place, maybe it might help her to chat with us lot, she could be bottling stuff up that she needs to work through but not wanting to do it with you for fear of causing a row or a trigger?
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Magic, I am sorry your relationship is in difficulty right now. However I would imaging that this is a common experience for people who are early in recovery to have with their partners. Have you spoken about this issue in the A forum? It is very likely you will find your fellow RAs have been through this before and could help you.
I personally do not like to assume your gf is suffering from codependency. I have never spoken to her and gotten to know her. Therefore I am not comfortable saying anything along the lines of 'she is codependent and needs to work on herself', just as I would never think of telling anyone, 'Oh your partner is an alcoholic you know and he really needs to get into AA'. That is NOT my place to do so.
What step are you working on? Have you spoken to your gf about your alcoholism and how that has effected her? I believe that when a RA gets to working on steps 4-9 they begin looking at this, admitting shortcomings and making amends to those harmed? I should imagine your gf will be on this list. All I mean to say here is that she will have her hurts and painful memories and times that have been as a direct result of your alcohol abuse, and I think it is good to keep that in mind. In the meantime, she is not working any programme, but you are.
Do not misunderstand me, I know she has her part to play and her own recovery to seek, but it is not for me or you to push her into that, she has to come to it in her own time just as you and I did. She may never choose to find recovery for herself. If she does, she will address her issues just as you are doing now.
At some point in your relationship past, your gf had to make the choice of whether to stick with you and hope you find recovery, with the big uncertainty of whether or not you ever would. Now you my friend are in the same boat.
You are powerless over how she chooses to live her life, like she was over yours. So you are left with choices too. For example... can you stay with her dispite what is happening and be happy and maintain your own serenity?
That is the advice I would give to a F&F, so that is the advice I will give to you.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I personally do not like to assume your gf is suffering from codependency. I have never spoken to her and gotten to know her. Therefore I am not comfortable saying anything along the lines of 'she is codependent and needs to work on herself', just as I would never think of telling anyone, 'Oh your partner is an alcoholic you know and he really needs to get into AA'. That is NOT my place to do so.
What step are you working on? Have you spoken to your gf about your alcoholism and how that has effected her? I believe that when a RA gets to working on steps 4-9 they begin looking at this, admitting shortcomings and making amends to those harmed? I should imagine your gf will be on this list. All I mean to say here is that she will have her hurts and painful memories and times that have been as a direct result of your alcohol abuse, and I think it is good to keep that in mind. In the meantime, she is not working any programme, but you are.
Do not misunderstand me, I know she has her part to play and her own recovery to seek, but it is not for me or you to push her into that, she has to come to it in her own time just as you and I did. She may never choose to find recovery for herself. If she does, she will address her issues just as you are doing now.
At some point in your relationship past, your gf had to make the choice of whether to stick with you and hope you find recovery, with the big uncertainty of whether or not you ever would. Now you my friend are in the same boat.
You are powerless over how she chooses to live her life, like she was over yours. So you are left with choices too. For example... can you stay with her dispite what is happening and be happy and maintain your own serenity?
That is the advice I would give to a F&F, so that is the advice I will give to you.
Good luck to you
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Magic Man, I'm going to share something with you that I hope you take with an open mind. I really appreciate your honesty here with your situation, and I know you're really trying hard to turn your life around.
But: If my boyfriend said I was his only friend, I could not stay in that relationship. That is much too heavy a weight to carry. Along with the rest, your history, lack of trust, your current realities (driving).......this kind of dependency can really put a huge wet blanket over any loving feelings.
In this forum, you see us say this a lot to spouses & families of alcoholics: Work on YOU. Work a program. Rebuild your own life, complete with friends, a job, a bank account, things you love to do for YOU, a set of dreams and goals for your life. Make yourself a complete person; don't wait for someone to complete you. We aren't alcoholics, but still, this is what makes us strong enough to make the right decisions around alcohol problems.
In your case, it may be what needs to happen in order to have any kind of healthy relationship with your GF, and it is definitely what you need to do for you regardless of what choices she feels she has to make for herself.
I know it's damned hard...some weeks for me it is like slogging through wet cement to keep moving toward being happy even when someone isn't doing what I want/need them to do. But becoming stronger like this might really help you get out of the trap you find yourself in. it's the key to your cell.
Good luck with your sobriety ---- brighter days are on the horizon if you'll keep walking toward them, with or without this partner.
But: If my boyfriend said I was his only friend, I could not stay in that relationship. That is much too heavy a weight to carry. Along with the rest, your history, lack of trust, your current realities (driving).......this kind of dependency can really put a huge wet blanket over any loving feelings.
In this forum, you see us say this a lot to spouses & families of alcoholics: Work on YOU. Work a program. Rebuild your own life, complete with friends, a job, a bank account, things you love to do for YOU, a set of dreams and goals for your life. Make yourself a complete person; don't wait for someone to complete you. We aren't alcoholics, but still, this is what makes us strong enough to make the right decisions around alcohol problems.
In your case, it may be what needs to happen in order to have any kind of healthy relationship with your GF, and it is definitely what you need to do for you regardless of what choices she feels she has to make for herself.
I know it's damned hard...some weeks for me it is like slogging through wet cement to keep moving toward being happy even when someone isn't doing what I want/need them to do. But becoming stronger like this might really help you get out of the trap you find yourself in. it's the key to your cell.
Good luck with your sobriety ---- brighter days are on the horizon if you'll keep walking toward them, with or without this partner.
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