Blondie

Now the pleading starts. I wanted to know what he intended to do in the future to try to save the marriage. He says I'm blowing this out of proportion. How would you take this behavior:

Spends nights at single female's house (supposedly playing cards with another couple, and lied about who's house it was saying it was a guy he went to school with that owned the house and actually introduced me to said couple.

Runs his (in his name) credit card bills up to $30,000 and had the bank stop sending statements to the house and does all his banking elsewhere but not at home.

Refuses to show me his credit card statements (asked many times and said I can't accept that answer) because he says I would ask questions and it would make things worse???? (What am I supposed to assume here is what I told him, but still refuses).

Has gone out to drink at the same bar (there is only one for him) at least five days a week and comes home totally plastered talking about other women finding him attractive.

Has taken and kept sexy photos of his Pamerla Anderson look alike bartender.

Hardly spends any time at home and when he's here just yell at everybody to be quiet as he takes a nap.

Wants me to get a job because we are short on money (wonder why).

Is nasty and verbally abusive to me, but denies it of course.

Does not help around the house but goes to OW house and works on hers.

Etc, etc, etc.

Blowing it out of proportion? Only one of these things would be a deal breaker for a "normal" woman. How in the world do we let people get away with treating us like this???? What in the world happened to me???? I know you can all relate.

Seeing an attorney at 11 am for consultation. Did a little research and will probably shop around a little for an attorney that meet my needs before hiring one.

kingston

"Blowing it out of proportion? Only one of these things would be a deal breaker for a "normal" woman. How in the world do we let people get away with treating us like this???? What in the world happened to me???? I know you can all relate."

During my 20+ years of marriage with my AH this happened and more. Why? Because I was just as sick as him and I ALLOWED it. He didn't DO this to me, but by my actions I condoned it.

It was only after I left I realized just how sick, chaotic and unhealthy our relationship was.

I left him last year in August and have maintained no contact, it's been an extremely difficult time but it's been worth it. I am much happier, content and grounded now. I'm building a new life based on me.

Saving graces for me, group meetings, SR (lots of great people and information), no contact with him, surrounding myself with loving and supportive friends and meditation.

Keep reading and posting, see a lawyer is a great first step and I hope the beginnings of lots more. K.

Freedom1990

My own personal experience was I was broken long before I ever met my EXAH, and once I hooked up with him, I was so desperate for love that I just kept lowering my bar of standards more and more and more.

It still hurts me to look back and see what I eventually became in that marriage, a non-entity.

Blondie

I agree with you Kingston. It is a sick relationship and I allowed myself to be treated like this. I was afraid of him for so long because he threatened me years ago because I was thinking of leaving way back then. Then things got better (you know, the roller coaster) and then worse. If he said boo, I jumped. I'm going back to counceling to get me through this tough time. There is no way I can stay now as I am so worn out and tired all of the time from the stress and sometimes I shake, but he keeps going his merry way - because I let him do it to me. That's sick.

One question: His female "friend" texted him on Christmas saying: Merry Xmas, babe. And his female bartender sent Lots of Love that day too. He said all women do that??? I wouldn't text a married man, let alone THAT, and she knows he's married, she's his insurance agent.:wtf2 I think he's surrounded by sick (alcoholic) people and doesn't know what normal or acceptable is anymore.

Seren

Oh Blondie, I'm sorry for what you are going through, and consulting an attorney is a very positive step toward protecting yourself and your interests.

You are NOT responsible for his debt and, frankly, his impending bankruptcy.
You are NOT responsible for keeping a roof over his head while his behavior is unacceptable.

Take care of yourself! Keep safe! One day at a time!

Barbara52

Unfortunately, depending on the laws where she lives, she may be. Another thing to talk to the attorney about.

Barbara52

Congrats blondie on taking steps to take care of yourself. {hugs}

Blondie

At this point I would pay anything to get the heck out of dodge. But I will be smart about it.

inahaze

I think we have some of the same experiences!

It's crazy what we let ourselves go through in the name of love, devotion and committment.

None of what he's doing is your fault and for most of the regular world not involved with alcoholics that get the Jekyl/Hyde persona, they would of left when he stayed the night at another woman's house.

Someone here told me that you use the tools that have at the time to deal with your situation, but as you grow and learn more your tools grow as well.

GiveLove

Blondie,

I'm glad you're meeting with an attorney today, but this statement above really made me confused. Do you still want to be married to a man like this, who lies, cheats, drinks, treats you like dirt, his girlfriends text........? Why are you saying things like this to him? THAT'S why the pleading starts, because he thinks that once again ------ based on this statement ----- he can just say the right things and pull a few strings to get back in your good graces. That you'll forget all this disrespect that keeps going on.

Just wondering, because fwiw, knowing your story, I personally think that you deserve better than this, and anything he might "do in the future" is not going to change the spots on this leopard. Do you want to go through this again when you're 60? 70? What will you do then?

Hoping you take care of yourself here and maybe consider the mixed messages you're sending to him, and how that's setting you up for a loootttt of quacking.

GL

Chrysalis123

This was my experience as well.

Individual counseling, Alanon, a good attorney, reading as much as I could about alcoholism and codependency and abuse helped me find my way back to me. One book that helped with the abuse was "Why Does He Do This?" by Lundy Bancroft...excellent insightful book that greatly opened my eyes. Also, I spent time gathering lots of paperwork because my XAH was secretive, a pathological liar as well as did things like hide my mail. So I collected and copied things like mortgage paperwork, life insurance, income tax returns, pulled a credit report, ran a police check on him etc, before i was even sure I was going to divorce. Any good divorce book can tell you all the paperwork you need to have and it is cheaper than having the lawyer explain it all to you!!!
We are here for you. :ghug3

Seren

It's true....the attorney will be the best way to advise you on how to protect yourself. Back when I was going through a divorce, most of the states in the US would allow one part of the couple to prove by the items listed on the credit card invoices, that he or she was not responsible for those purchases.

It was also my understanding that he has all the bills going to an address other than the house and that the card is in his name only. That seems supporting evidence for the debt no being your responsibility.

But please, rely on the advice of the attorney, and keep as many records as possible. Write stuff down.

Best of luck and warm wishes! You are getting some really great advice by all the SR family who have been going through this a lot longer than I.

HG

suzieq1972

I would take this behavior as that of an addict. Sounds like all of the same stuff I've read here a hundred times, if not more.

You're not blowing anything out of proportion. He just doesn't want to admit that there is a problem.

I know what was wrong with me, why I put up with the craziness. I was afraid to be alone. I thought no one else could ever love me like my XAH did. I know it's not true, but it didn't stop me from thinking it.

I'm glad to see you're consulting an attorney. You don't have to put up with any of this. And if he isn't willing to make a change, then maybe you should.

Good luck!




Sue

Blondie

I wanted to know what he wanted to do to "save" the marriage because I wanted to see what he would say, and just like I thought he said he'd "work on things." No change, no sorry, no phone call for counseling, no AA, no nothing, just the same old feeling sorry for himself, blah, blah, blah. The why aren't you attracted to me anymore, I thought everybody was going to leave me, I'm the only one who works (talking about his parents and mine but of course they are all retired).

Lawyers office went great. I want to see one more before I make a decision (I'll make that appointment today). With all the proof I had he wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Even the DUI he got a few years ago is on record because he never took the time to have it exsponged. Hopefully he will do the sensible thing and not contest it because then all of his dirt will come out. The lawyer advised me about my upcoming inheritance and how to protect it and a lot of other good advice.

I'm going to start moving my stuff tomorrow (he probably won't notice). He's cleaned out his cell phone of photos of other women and all of those phone numbers, but they are still stored on his old phone I take it. If he does give me a hard time about the divorce the lawyer said he can get OW in to do a deposition. He probably wouldn't want to upset her (that would be awful, wouldn't it). But it's to late. The lawyer said he can obtain cell phone records and the credit card statements. Now THAT is something I want to see.

Jazzman

If the cell phone is in your name you don't need a lawyer to get the records. I had a bit bull on crack lawyer that , if she had her way, would have racked up tons of billable hours filing this motion for discoveries and that motion for sole use of the marital home. She was hard to manage to my strategies and not hers.

This process sucks to go through, best of luck.

mle-sober

Hey Blondie!

You know what I want to say? I want to say that it sounds like you are really ready to make some change and to stop living a life dominated by chaos and misery. And for that, I want to say congratulations! From that last time I read your posts to now, there is a huge shift in your attitude. It sounds like your done taking it.

I think that's wonderful and I hope you find that you have the wind at your heels. I hope you find that the further away you get from that sick man, the more you believe in yourself and your own self-worth. Way to go!

- Emilie

GiveLove

Oh thank HEAVENS. I was worried about that and forgot to mention it before. I'm so glad......he sure doesn't deserve any of that, what with how he treated him and all.

Hugs,
GL